Getting married in a year

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Xander

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My fiancee and I are getting married in just about a year and from what we have been lead to believe sex in marriage should only be used for procreation and not for pleasure. We both feel that it is an important part of a healthy relationship, we dont mind learning about NFP and even using it over the ABC she is on right now, but we feel that it is also ment to bring a husband and wife close together as one. We only want 2 or 3 kids, we want to be able to give our kids a comfortable life not worrying about us scraping by and always worried about money. I will say this though just getting engaged has made us want to participate more at our parish and has made us want to grow our faith. We love each other deeply and all I care about right now is making her happy, she is a wonderful beautiful woman and she is a gift from God. But I digress, I just wanted it air my opinon and welcome replys, that is why I’m here is to talk to others.

God Bless,
Xander
 
I don’t know how much help I can be… I’m not sure what your opinions are, since your post is ambiguously worded in places, but it sounds like you and your fiancee would benefit from revolutionizing the way you think about marriage, children, and sexuality. There are a lot of books out now about JPII’s Theology of the Body. 🙂

You seem to have a desire to plan out the details of your future, and you have preconceived notions about what a “good life” entails. (Number of children, amount of money, Rest assured that God will mess up those plans. 😉

On a side note, you mention that your fiancee is on ABC. Hopefully you’re not implying that fornication is taking place. That would seriously inhibit your ability to think clearly about the future.
 
Sorry for some of the ambiguity, I woke up and wrote that. Basicly what we are planing on doing is waiting 3 or 4 years untill we have kids, we both want to be secure in our jobs before we have kids so that we can provide for them. We both come from wealthy familys and both of us would like our children to have the same kind of life that we had. Also we don’t believe that sexuality is something to be seen as bad or just for having children, we beleive that it is healthy for a husband and a wife to have sex. But we want children, we have been talking about kids quite freqently over the past few weeks, if we feel that God wants us to have kids sooner we will but we want to wait. Sexuality is really the only thing we disagree with the Church on.
 
Xander said:
Sexuality is really the only thing we disagree with the Church on.
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But do you truly understand the Church’s teachings?
Sex is both unitive and procreative, at the same time. Sex is not bad if done during an infertile time or if you enjoy it;)

Malia
 
That was the answer I was actually looking for lol, I just don’t want us to feel like we are sinning everytime we have sex. You have no clue how much better that actually makes me feel, we thought that we were only supposed to have sex when we wanted a child, I know its nieve (sp?) but that is what we both though. Well then we would be following Church teaching, that makes me feel alot better. How complicated is NFP by the way?
 
Xander said:
That was the answer I was actually looking for lol, I just don’t want us to feel like we are sinning everytime we have sex. You have no clue how much better that actually makes me feel, we thought that we were only supposed to have sex when we wanted a child, I know its nieve (sp?) but that is what we both though. Well then we would be following Church teaching, that makes me feel alot better. How complicated is NFP by the way?
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Yes I agree (and so does the Church) with the previous poster who said that sex in marriage is both unitive and procreative. I highly recommend this book called “Good News about Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West. I am engaged to be married in July and just finished reading it. My fiance is going to read it too. Christopher gives good background on Church teaching and answers nitty gritty questions that your average person could understand (ex question that got my atten in the book is this: is oral sex okay?) I told you it was “nitty gritty”. Here is a link to one site that is selling the book (I just did a quick i net search). catholiccompany.com/product_detail.cfm?ID=513

You may be able to get it used at www.abebooks.com. Also I would encourage you to look up “theology of the body” or “Christopher West” online.

The Churches teaching on Sex is AWESOME! The Church says sex is more than just physical, it is SPIRITUAL and even a foreshadowing of HEAVEN!

Anyway, just wanted to share that with you. God is good! 👍

I will be praying for you. I also encourage you and your fiance to pray together that God would lead you in purity and holiness as you prepare to enter into the marriage covenant with each other and with God!
 
I am going to go out and buy this book this week as soon as I get paid. This really does allay our fears about what we though sex and marriage were going to be. Any more replys would be great too, but we both appreciate all the responses.
 
Xander said:
I am going to go out and buy this book this week as soon as I get paid. This really does allay our fears about what we though sex and marriage were going to be. Any more replys would be great too, but we both appreciate all the responses.
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I would recommend that you go to a local Catholic bookstore and see if they have any “Christopher West CDs”. Sometimes they will even have cheap ones for like $2.50 or 5$. There is one about marriage and the Eucharist.

I dont want to overwhelm you with too much info but I found this site too: giftfoundation.org/pages/planning_your_family.htm. I think you can listen for free online and order CD’s for $1 each.

You can get “marriage and the Eucharist” here for 1$. Not sure if there is shipping and handling. catholicity.com/cds/

Okay, that is it for now. Hope its not too much stuff to process. God bless you both my dear brother in Christ! 😃
 
Xander said:
My fiancee and I are getting married in just about a year and from what we have been lead to believe sex in marriage should only be used for procreation and not for pleasure.
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I don’t know who led you to believe this, because the Church does not teach this.

The Church does teach that each act of intercourse must be both unitive and procreative-- an unaltered act of intercourse.

So, if you have a just reason to avoid a pregnancy, then you can use the infertile periods of the cycle. What you may not do is contracept. Contracepting alters the act of intercourse and negates the procreative element of the act.

I highly recommend Theology Of The Body For Beginners.
Xander said:
We both feel that it is an important part of a healthy relationship, we dont mind learning about NFP and even using it over the ABC she is on right now,
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It is an important part of marriage, not “a relationship” so I would suggest if you are having sex currently you go to confession and cease.
Xander said:
We only want 2 or 3 kids, we want to be able to give our kids a comfortable life not worrying about us scraping by and always worried about money.
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I suggest you do some more discerning. The Church teaches one may space children for a just reason, and that reason may not be motivated out of selfishness. Your post implies a desire for the “easy life” and that you equate children with denying yourself material things.

I hope you will discern that more carefully. The book Life Giving Love is a good book to read on the subject as are several other resources available at www.omsoul.com. Archbishop Sheen’s Three To Get Married would be a good book for the two of you to read as you prepare for marriage.
Xander said:
I will say this though just getting engaged has made us want to participate more at our parish and has made us want to grow our faith.
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The desire to live a life pleasing to the Lord is always a good thing.
 
Thank you again for the replies. By the way when I earlier stated “relationship” I was refering to the relationship of a husband and a wife. Also, it seems that everytime that I mention that we only want 2 or 3 children I seem to get what amounts to a scornful remark. Yes I would prefer to live comfortably right now, as of this moment I am not living comfortably, I work long hours and get paid far under what my skill set is. I want to be able to provide for my family to the point of not having to worry about money issues stemming from working paycheck to paycheck, I also want to be able to give my children a quality education (I must say that the public education system here in Texas is severly lacking). I am not adverse to having more than 3 kids, it is just all that, at the moment, I can see being feesiable in the near future. I have great respect to people with large familys, it is wonderful thing to see large happy familys, but I want my children to grow up not worrying about their father not making enough money to support them. My fiancee is the oldest of 2 and I am the oldest of 5, that being said my parents are divorced (my mom has been divorced twice, but has been infertile since my full brother and sister were born in 1986). I have 2 half sisters that I love dearly, but the spacing between my full brother and sister has been about 16 years. Also when I was born my parents were not making very much money, untill my dad returned from the first Gulf War and he became the main news Anchor for NBC here in DFW (he was in the news prior to this but was only a reporter). Now he makes close to a $1M a year. I apoplogise for digressing, but all I am saying is that every time i mention that I would like to make a good living and give my childern a comfortable life, and if my fiancee and I end up having more than 3 children then that would be wonderful, I just want to make sure I have to income to support them comfortably. Again thanks for the replys.
 
Xander said:
Also, it seems that everytime that I mention that we only want 2 or 3 children I seem to get what amounts to a scornful remark.
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That is because as a married couple you will be called to *continually *discern if you have a just reason to avoid a pregnancy at that time.

It is not a “once and done” decision. You are framing your statement as a decision made.

A true discernment process is a day-by-day, month-by-month, year-by-year process. “Are we called to have another child?” should always be a question you are asking yourself as a couple when you have 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, … Not a year before you are married.
Xander said:
I want to be able to provide for my family to the point of not having to worry about money issues stemming from working paycheck to paycheck
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You will always worry about money. Whether you make 10K or 100K. I promise.
Xander said:
I also want to be able to give my children a quality education (I must say that the public education system here in Texas is severly lacking).
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Again, discern some more on that. There are many options, homeschooling, private, and public. That doesn’t mean you can only have a few children. (I also disagree regarding the quality of the schools in TX. They are no better or worse than any others… I am a product of the public education system of TX and I am also a former teacher in a public school in TX).

As for college, don’t think you have to-- or even that you should-- give a free ride. Your kids can get scholarships, grants, loans, work, etc. Giving them everything is not always the bets way to help your children grow into good citizens.
Xander said:
but I want my children to grow up not worrying about their father not making enough money to support them.
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Guess what? Kids don’t think about that stuff. Kids think about why dad wasn’t at their band concert (because dad was too busy at work).
Xander said:
Now he makes close to a $1M a year.
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This is irrelevant. That type of lifestyle is something you can chase and chase, but it can’t really make you happy. And, how much money is “enough” anyway?
Xander said:
I just want to make sure I have to income to support them comfortably. Again thanks for the replys.
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If by “comfortable” you mean over $1M a year, then seriously, you have some issues.
 
First I want to apologise for sounding combative. I don’t meen $1M as comfortable, I meen being able to pay for things like piano lessons and baseball etc. We are planning on decerning more about having kids, 2 to 3 is just our premlimary estimate on how many we want, we dont want to rule out how many kids we will end up having, we just were considering 2 to 3. I am looking forward to the day that I am a father, we both will decern more once the time comes. We both just want to be as ready as possible once we are married. Also the reason we want to be able to provide for college is that my father didn’t even help with anything for my college and I am still finishing my degree after 6 years. It also sounds like you are trying to say that it is a sin to want to live comfortably. Thanks again for all the insightful help thus far.
 
Xander said:
It also sounds like you are trying to say that it is a sin to want to live comfortably. Thanks again for all the insightful help thus far.
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No. That’s not it.

There’s comfortable, and then there’s comfortable.

You seem to be very focused on things, but maybe that’s just the way your post is coming across.
 
Xander said:
My fiancee and I are getting married in just about a year and from what we have been lead to believe sex in marriage should only be used for procreation and not for pleasure.
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that incorrectly and incompletely states Catholic teaching. Why not read Theology of the Body for Beginners, and get the real deal which is much more beautiful, profound and hopeful than your statement. and take an actual NFP course, go to the Couple To Couple league for reference to instructor in your area ccli.org. search on NFP in the family forum for great links and discussions on NFP from NFP users. Sex in marriage is very much about pleasure, the pleasure God himself has endowed as one of the joys of marriage, and which is only fully enjoyed and experienced when everything in the marriage, including marital relations, is ordered to conformity with his will and openness to all his gifts, including and especially the gift of life.

another essential for your future happiness and peace of mind is the realization that God, not you, is in charge of your future. You can plan what is in your power to plan–your education, preparing for a career to support your family, where to live, sound financial management etc. but you can do absolutely nothing to insure what will or will not befall you in the future. God already has a plan for how many children he has for you, or even if you will have children. Order your lives to discerning, accepting and submitting to his will for you, and let him handle the plan.
 
I am no where near as materalistic than I once was, I have all I need in my fiancee. The only thing we “want” right now is a house, we both have apartments right now and would like to have a backyard and a garage (I know it sounds stupid but I want a place for my dog to run and I want a place to park my truck). Comfortable to me at the moment would be no more ramen noodles. I apologise for coming across as materilistic. Comfortable in the future would be able to have a good savings plan so that we arent living paycheck to paycheck. I do appreciate all the help so far.
 
I did not see it in OP, but if it is true your fiance is on the pill please beg her to see a good natural family planning doctor, or see the above reference for a referral. The hormonal destruction of the pill is devastating and dangerous to a woman’s health, and the younger you are when you start the more cumulative damage ensues.
 
I think a lot of people are missing something here.
  • They have a desire to learn about the churches postion. He is here asking for advise not judgement.
  • Him and his fiancee are talking about their future. No set plans are definte. They might not be able to have any childern or they might end up having a set of quads. Who knows because it is God’s plan in the end.
  • They know ABC is wrong. She is going to the doctor to get off of BC. They are still a year out from marriage. She has plenty of time to get use to not being on the pill and learning about her body and how to chart and use NFP.
  • IT is human nature to be fearful of the future. Our past make us into the people of today.I saw my father start his own business and i have seen his struggles to keep that business running and to provide for our family. From that experience i don’t have a great desire to date someone who runs their own business. If Xander feels like he knows certain things that he wants to provide (house, yard, education) for his kids then who are we to judge? AS long as they stay open to letting God control their paths then they will be fine.
    Xander- Do not worry to much about college. God will provide. My mother got a random raise at her job that with my step-fathers income allowed them the freedom to put 6 of kids (3 in school at the same time for 3 years----Texas Tech got a lot of money from us) through college on her paycheck.Mom never thought it was going to be possible to give eachof us a debt-free education.
We all know that marriage prep classes don’t teach you ever thing.Lets give them support for wanting to live and understand God’s love and beatuiful plan for marriage.
 
Thanks Becky, you are right all I was really looking for was help. We both want to have the best marriage possible and that is why I posted here so we could get the help of others. We are looking forward, albeit with a little trepidation, to going to our pre-cana and our mettings with the deacon at our parish. But we want to do everything we can to have a long, happy, fruitful marriage. Again any and all help is greatly appreciated.
 
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