Getting married is easier said than done

[chevalier]

Specific example? Here’s one of many: Singles are instructed to wear their Sunday best, in some cases spending upwards of $300-$500 at department store for a nice sport coat and pants that will probably be never worn again after that first date. No jeans, no shirts, no t-shirts. Absolutely, necessarily has to be the finest in high fashion because if the guy looks like a cheapskate, that’s a red flag for women.

Tell me, please: How is that not deception? How is that not lying? Why can’t singles go on a first date with whatever they’re comfortable wearing? The relationship starts, the guy begins to wear t-shirts, jeans, shorts, and the woman starts to wonder, “Oh, gee, so this guy’s a slob?” First impressions are inherently and inescapably deceptive.

Getting married is easier said than done.

I’d say they should wear what they normally would when hanging around. What you describe is not even a question of cash as it is a whole different style or level of care. However, one would generally dress up a bit for a social occasion and what people wear around the house is sometimes more casual than what they wear outside casually–same as they will dress up a little for the guests. Some people will also drop the formality level a notch only when they’ve known their company for a while, e.g. it may take a while before one lawyer sees another not in a suit. I don’t know about price levels on clothes in the US, but $500 for something that isn’t office or evening wear sounds rather extreme, as in trying to appear wealthy or something. You could buy a new Hugo Boss suit for $500 in local currency here.

 

[joandarc2008]

Because some parishes won’t allow it, that’s why. Here’s a specific example:

I’m told I have to talk with a priest, which requires me to schedule an appointment during the week (away from my work schedule), rather than talking with him after church. (Why can’t I talk to the priest after church?) Anyway, so I get the appointment and talk with him:

Me: “Can I start a singles group at this parish?”
Priest (skeptical): “Write something up and I’ll be sure the parish council brings it at up at their next meeting.”

A few days go by, I don’t hear anything.

A few more days go by.

And so on.

When people say, “Start something at your parish,” this is what happens. You can’t just “do” something at your parish just because you want to. It requires approval from the church’s parish council. The way ‘married people’ seem to lecture ‘singles’ about all we need to do is just start a church group like it’s Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland staging a musical…no offense, but life - and parish politics - doesn’t work that way. If a particular Catholic parish doesn’t want you starting a “singles group,” guess what? You can’t start a “singles group” unless you go rogue. That’s not fair. That’s not right.

Then document your efforts and after you have been turned down a couple times get information on what your demographics are at your Parish - contact your Archdiocese and tell them that the needs of this demographic is not being met and ask them if there is a program in place through the diocese that can be adapted to the parish or if there is any advice they have to offer. The priest is the Good Shepherd. The Church is the Community. If the singles community is not represented on the parish counsel maybe that is where God is gently nudging you or have you been defeated?

 

[Charlotte1776]

I’ll tell you a secret. If you’d like to find ladies to date join a social or dancing group. Usually the ratio of ladies to men is like 5 ladies for every guy.

I know a guy who met his wife through dancing classes. It definitely works! I’ve heard it’s actually the primary reason most guys take those classes in the first place.

 

[Demetra2]

I understand what you are going through since I am the mother of two beautiful practicing Catholic daughters in their twenties who are equally frustrated in their search to find a good Catholic man. We live in Boston and I can tell you that even here most of the Catholics have tossed their faith and the Archdiocese does very little to bring Catholic young adults back to the church (they put their effort into vocations which is funny when you consider how many churches are closing due to lack of interest.) I have written many letters to our cardinal and he blindly refuses to admit there is even a problem. The problem is twofold. First of all there is no support for young adult practicing Catholics. I suppose the Bishops think that Catholic Match will solve the problem but it is a problem for all Bishops to tackle and take seriously. There is a ministry for everything but helping young catholic adults in our toxic culture. The second part of the problem is that most catholics in the twenties and thirties are poorly catechized and don’t care about God or the Church. I agree with you that we are at the point that you have to “pay” (sin) to play.Unless you hook up you will not even be able to meet people. It is a very serious situation that good young people face and our very stodgy old Bishops/priests cannot even fathom the coming crisis or the pain that good catholic young adults experience as their church denies that there is a problem. Many more churches will close because most young adults do not get married in the church and certainly do not raise their children in the church. I have a suspicion that our bishops ,cardinals and priests are somewhat OK with the people who hook up and live together as long as they eventually come back to the church when they have kids. This is foolish as I doubt very much that this will happen without a huge effort to bring them back. In the meantime the church needs to support young people who are living their faith. Jesus never said it would be easy but no other generation has had to deal with such a toxic dating culture and no support from the church or society. The lack of concern by the church bewilders me and it is insanity.
I wish you the best in your search and I will pray for you. You are not alone and please remember that there are wonderful young women with the same problem! Please write to your Bishop and cardinal and make them face the problem!
God Bless!

Demetra

 

[IgnatiusDaughtr]

I understand what you are going through since I am the mother of two beautiful practicing Catholic daughters in their twenties who are equally frustrated in their search to find a good Catholic man. We live in Boston and I can tell you that even here most of the Catholics have tossed their faith and the Archdiocese does very little to bring Catholic young adults back to the church (they put their effort into vocations which is funny when you consider how many churches are closing due to lack of interest.) I have written many letters to our cardinal and he blindly refuses to admit there is even a problem. The problem is twofold. First of all there is no support for young adult practicing Catholics. I suppose the Bishops think that Catholic Match will solve the problem but it is a problem for all Bishops to tackle and take seriously. There is a ministry for everything but helping young catholic adults in our toxic culture. The second part of the problem is that most catholics in the twenties and thirties are poorly catechized and don’t care about God or the Church. I agree with you that we are at the point that you have to “pay” (sin) to play.Unless you hook up you will not even be able to meet people. It is a very serious situation that good young people face and our very stodgy old Bishops/priests cannot even fathom the coming crisis or the pain that good catholic young adults experience as their church denies that there is a problem. Many more churches will close because most young adults do not get married in the church and certainly do not raise their children in the church. I have a suspicion that our bishops ,cardinals and priests are somewhat OK with the people who hook up and live together as long as they eventually come back to the church when they have kids. This is foolish as I doubt very much that this will happen without a huge effort to bring them back. In the meantime the church needs to support young people who are living their faith. Jesus never said it would be easy but no other generation has had to deal with such a toxic dating culture and no support from the church or society. The lack of concern by the church bewilders me and it is insanity.
I wish you the best in your search and I will pray for you. You are not alone and please remember that there are wonderful young women with the same problem! Please write to your Bishop and cardinal and make them face the problem!
God Bless!

Demetra

I used to live in Boston and I found a huge support for single young adults. There are many Theology on Tap programs (the one at Bad Abbots in Quincy is particularly good) and there is an amazing young adult group at St. Clement’s Shrine in the Back Bay. The Office of New Evangelization in the Archdiocese does all of the outreach for youth and young adults. I know that they run monthly activities for young adults in the North End (usually adoration and Mass - often times with the Cardinal - and then a social). The activities are there in Boston, you just need to look for them!

 

[Norseman82]

Because some parishes won’t allow it, that’s why. Here’s a specific example:

I’m told I have to talk with a priest, which requires me to schedule an appointment during the week (away from my work schedule), rather than talking with him after church. (Why can’t I talk to the priest after church?) Anyway, so I get the appointment and talk with him:

Me: “Can I start a singles group at this parish?”
Priest (skeptical): “Write something up and I’ll be sure the parish council brings it at up at their next meeting.”

A few days go by, I don’t hear anything.

A few more days go by.

And so on.

When people say, “Start something at your parish,” this is what happens. You can’t just “do” something at your parish just because you want to. It requires approval from the church’s parish council. The way ‘married people’ seem to lecture ‘singles’ about all we need to do is just start a church group like it’s Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland staging a musical…no offense, but life - and parish politics - doesn’t work that way. If a particular Catholic parish doesn’t want you starting a “singles group,” guess what? You can’t start a “singles group” unless you go rogue. That’s not fair. That’s not right.

How much money do you donate to your parish? If you donate an above average amount, that might get their attention. Make friends with the parish secretary or whomever makes out the tax statements in January.

 

[purplesunshine]

if you live in or near boston and say that their are no ya events you would have to be blind and deaf. oops i forgot they actually have a sizable deaf ministry. go on their website or call the dioceses and ask for danielle. i live 1.5 hours away and my friends and i will join then 2-3 times a year for their big events…often 400+ people between 19 and mid 40`s. and if you dont like your parish find a new one (even if you have to travel) this isnt china. we do have freedom.

 

[cmscms]

I apologize - I am lucky to be in a parish that has a Young Adult Catholic program that includes service work, Bible study, and outings such as camping and does not include drinking, drugs, or sex. Couples are allowed - dating or married as well as divorced but the youngest age starts at 18 and can go to 39. Why not start a program like this

Hi Joan,

I feel bad that I made you feel the need to apologize. Perhaps I was too harsh in what I wrote. I think the point I was trying to make is just because some parishes have good social outlets not all of them do. And to try and start a social group would be an uphill battle. In order to get a good enough crowed, we would have to open the doors to anyone which means all the divorced people would show up. It would quickly become a church social instead of a genuine place for singles to pair up.

Personally what helps me best is knowing married people do not judge me or feel sorry for me to be single. Single life has enough pressure in itself, I just don’t need the added pressure to ‘hurry up and find someone’

CM

 

[joandarc2008]

Hi Joan,

I feel bad that I made you feel the need to apologize. Perhaps I was too harsh in what I wrote. I think the point I was trying to make is just because some parishes have good social outlets not all of them do. And to try and start a social group would be an uphill battle. In order to get a good enough crowed, we would have to open the doors to anyone which means all the divorced people would show up. It would quickly become a church social instead of a genuine place for singles to pair up.

Personally what helps me best is knowing married people do not judge me or feel sorry for me to be single. Single life has enough pressure in itself, I just don’t need the added pressure to ‘hurry up and find someone’

CM

No problem - I understand - believe me - going through a divorce and being the “new single” and not even being single yet (considering I still need a divorce and an anullment) I feel as if I already have men waiting until I “hit the market” and I am not even sure that this is something I want after the last fiasco. But it is just a matter of me being strong and having boundaries. It also does not preclude me from having friends - I have realized this - and it is freeing. I just am one of those people that (and I think this is the military part of me) that refuses to dwell in problems - I want to look for solutions - and if there isn’t one - time to make one. God bless.

 

[Sierrah]

I am a 40 year old woman who has never been married and I can relate to the frustration. I think both genders go through it. However, it never ceases to amaze me when men say ‘I think the reason I can’t get a girl is because of blah blah blah’ and the truth of the matter is ‘blah blah blah’ sounds like the biggest turn off to me. I have to wonder are men really that mis-informed or am I simply not a real woman.

I always though woman worried more about close than a man. So when I see a man with a $500 jacket I think
-1) While we are dating I will never be able to keep up and dress as fashionably as him

• 1. If ever we do get married, I will be with an irresponsible man who wastes money on trivial things instead of saving for the futre.

One thing that REALLY boils my blood is when people suggest ‘get involved with your parish, it is a great way for singles to meet other singles’. NOTHING could be farther than the truth. Most of the singles at church events are divorced and on a mission to change the church’s teachings and get remarried. Or even worse. I have often been at a Catholic function where I was the only single woman and there was only 1 single man. Everyone though that since we were both single it was a given we were to date !!! That just made a really akward for situation for me and the man since it was obvious to us we were not a match. When I was in my 30’s, a single guy who was 12 years older than me use to drive me home from church (Canadian winters can be cold). When the priest saw that, he immediately though we should become an item. That just made it really akward for me and I started walking home in the freezing cold. I had no interest in a man who was 12 years older.

So… just because there are other singles out there, it does not minimize the frustration for us. We obviously did not wait this long to marry any old person. Finding someone who is compatible is really important and it would be nice if married people could remember that

CM

Couldn’t have said it all better myself.

 

[joandarc2008]

CM- that was absolutely terrible of that priest - and personally I would have spoken to the priest offline about how that made me feel as I would not have wanted to be pushed into a situation where I was alone with a man that I either had an interest in or did not have an interest in as there is this other little word involved - SCANDAL.

That being said- if a sport coat is to be involved on a first date I would be happier with a man that can pick one up on a clearance rack for 49.99 or at a charity than one that buys one brand new for 500.00.

 

[havana1]

if you live in or near boston and say that their are no ya events you would have to be blind and deaf. oops i forgot they actually have a sizable deaf ministry. go on their website or call the dioceses and ask for danielle. i live 1.5 hours away and my friends and i will join then 2-3 times a year for their big events…often 400+ people between 19 and mid 40`s. and if you dont like your parish find a new one (even if you have to travel) this isnt china. we do have freedom.

Boston? The bank-robbery capital of the world? Well, considering the Catholic diocese there gave us the guy who got “promoted” to the Vatican for diddling little kids and there’s not much else besides the Red Sox…weren’t 80’s teenyboppers New Kids on The Block from Boston?, it’s no wonder the diocese has already written off singles. They seem to all be at A.A. meetings. (No, I don’t like Boston. At all. Sorry.)

 

[joandarc2008]

Boston? The bank-robbery capital of the world? Well, considering the Catholic diocese there gave us the guy who got “promoted” to the Vatican for diddling little kids and there’s not much else besides the Red Sox…weren’t 80’s teenyboppers New Kids on The Block from Boston?, it’s no wonder the diocese has already written off singles. They seem to all be at A.A. meetings. (No, I don’t like Boston. At all. Sorry.)

Well, havana if you insist on being negative about everything than there is not much we can do for you. Honestly - it just seems to me like you are looking to whine rather than looking for any real meat of a solution.

 

[Charlotte1776]

Honestly - it just seems to me like you are looking to whine rather than looking for any real meat of a solution.

It seems to me like this is mostly a vent thread. Some people just really need to get things off their chest but aren’t really looking for actual solutions sometimes.
I’m not sure the solution that’s been posted here most (starting a group at his parish) is really much of a solution, though. It’s much, much easier said than done and there’s no guarantee it will work or that he’ll form a relationship from it. I just don’t think it’s practical. I know the people who started and run a young adult ministry at my parish, and it really is a part-time job. Not everyone has the time and resources to do that even *if *you can sort through all the red tape and general lack of interest to get it going in the first place.

eHarmony worked for me, though! Again, I highly, highly recomend it to anyone genuinely looking for a relationship!

 

[Sierrah]

I know a guy who met his wife through dancing classes. It definitely works! I’ve heard it’s actually the primary reason most guys take those classes in the first place.

The guys have their pick in the dancing groups tha’s for sure.

 

[ForAll]

Well, havana if you insist on being negative about everything than there is not much we can do for you. Honestly - it just seems to me like you are looking to whine rather than looking for any real meat of a solution.

Sometimes CAF can be a great place to vent. Havana, if that’s what you wanted to do, we feel your pain. If you want solutions, you’re going to have to do some things yourself.

Several friends of mine met their spouse online (Catholicmatch and avemariasingles both). I met my fiancé by going to a good Catholic school.

The greatest advice is to take this to prayer. If you really feel moved to get married, ask the Lord what he wants you to do. Search online? Take a new job opportunity in a bigger city? Change parishes? Get that graduate degree you’ve been pondering, maybe at a great Catholic school? Sometimes our search for God’s path can lead us to some unlikely places, doing unlikely things–but if we’re called, then we’re called. And sometimes, we’re asked to be more patient than we think is fair.

Best of luck. Keep your eyes open and your prayer life strong.

 

[joandarc2008]

If it is a vent - I apologize - I was trying to offer solutions and I will pray for your peace of mind in your situation and healing.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

I don’t know what to tell you; it sounds like you have to help yourself. It seems you have to take some initiative and cast a wider net. Do you smile at the available women you see and tell them hello? Even just a simple smile and a hello puts you ahead of all of the men who pass without saying anything. Add a genuine conversation and then you’re miles ahead of the competition.

If you have the stones for it you should really learn to dance or go and take a foreign language class. Work on improving yourself and put yourself in the right situations to perform and your game should come together.

 

[havana1]

I don’t know what to tell you; it sounds like you have to help yourself. It seems you have to take some initiative and cast a wider net. Do you smile at the available women you see and tell them hello? Even just a simple smile and a hello puts you ahead of all of the men who pass without saying anything. Add a genuine conversation and then you’re miles ahead of the competition.

If you have the stones for it you should really learn to dance or go and take a foreign language class. Work on improving yourself and put yourself in the right situations to perform and your game should come together.

Well, if “sex” threads are ok, then I’ll say this: I have met a few Catholic - practicing Catholic - women from an adult web personals site. Why an adult site rather than a Catholic web site? Easy answer: If someone is honest enough and truthful enough about the private stuff, they will be honest and truthful about the less-private stuff. Makes it easier for everyone. There actually are a lot of Christian adults who legitimately look for a partner on adult sites instead of the match.com’s and e-harmony’s for that very reason. (I am not exaggerating any of this, by the way.) So, yeah, I’ve got the stones to take the initiative.

 

[Sierrah]

Well, if “sex” threads are ok, then I’ll say this: I have met a few Catholic - practicing Catholic - women from an adult web personals site. Why an adult site rather than a Catholic web site? Easy answer: If someone is honest enough and truthful enough about the private stuff, they will be honest and truthful about the less-private stuff. Makes it easier for everyone. There actually are a lot of Christian adults who legitimately look for a partner on adult sites instead of the match.com’s and e-harmony’s for that very reason. (I am not exaggerating any of this, by the way.) So, yeah, I’ve got the stones to take the initiative.

I’m tell’n you get out there and try swing dancing or even just a social group that does dinners…the guys are scarce and lots of ladies there. Or try a catholic singles group…ratios are the same there.