Getting married outdoors with no ordained minister

[theresa]

My heart is aching. My son just got engaged to a really wonderful young woman. I’m happy that they are making their relationship legal because they’ve been living together for two years now. I found out today that they plan to get married outside with a friend officiating. He will evidently be getting some online degree that allows him to perform the ceremony. My son has not been attending Mass for several years. It’s so hard to see him reject the faith completely like this. Yikes. Pray for me. Thank you.

 

[1ke]

I’m sure that is distressing. Keep praying for him.

 

[SilverLight]

My heart is aching. My son just got engaged to a really wonderful young woman. I’m happy that they are making their relationship legal because they’ve been living together for two years now. I found out today that they plan to get married outside with a friend officiating. He will evidently be getting some online degree that allows him to perform the ceremony. My son has not been attending Mass for several years. It’s so hard to see him reject the faith completely like this. Yikes. Pray for me. Thank you.

I’m sorry this is making you upset and I wish you the best. Though he is an adult I presume so he can make his own decisions regarding faith.

Best Wishes,
SilverLight

 

[Don_Ruggero]

My heart is aching. My son just got engaged to a really wonderful young woman. I’m happy that they are making their relationship legal because they’ve been living together for two years now. I found out today that they plan to get married outside with a friend officiating. He will evidently be getting some online degree that allows him to perform the ceremony. My son has not been attending Mass for several years. It’s so hard to see him reject the faith completely like this. Yikes. Pray for me. Thank you.

I am very sorry to read this. Yes, I am sure it is unspeakably upsetting.

I will remember both of them in prayers, especially when I celebrate Mass, asking that they may find their path back to the Church.

Look for inspiration to Saint Monica and ask her to pray for you and with you as you both intercede for your son and this young woman. Monica spent many long years in prayer for her son – and her prayers were answered beyond all hope. It ended up he became one of the greatest saints and doctors of the Church. A mother’s prayers are very powerful with the Lord. God bless you.

 

[Little_Sheep]

My heart is aching. My son just got engaged to a really wonderful young woman. I’m happy that they are making their relationship legal because they’ve been living together for two years now. I found out today that they plan to get married outside with a friend officiating. He will evidently be getting some online degree that allows him to perform the ceremony. My son has not been attending Mass for several years. It’s so hard to see him reject the faith completely like this. Yikes. Pray for me. Thank you.

I am sorry for the hurt that you feel. I have an online degree that allows me to officiate weddings and, over the years, I have married a handful (10) of good, solid couples and I continue to support all of them in their unions to this day.

It is clear that your son and his bride are not interested in getting married inside of the Catholic Church. But how beautiful that he and his wife wish to form such an important bond - and to have someone they both love officiate it.

Marriage involves much compromise from the couple themselves and from all the parties who wish to support their vows and their commitments.

I will keep you and your son and his wife-to-be in my prayers. It is thrilling when two people wish to commit their lives to each other.

 

[Dorothy]

My heart is aching. My son just got engaged to a really wonderful young woman. I’m happy that they are making their relationship legal because they’ve been living together for two years now. I found out today that they plan to get married outside with a friend officiating. He will evidently be getting some online degree that allows him to perform the ceremony. My son has not been attending Mass for several years. It’s so hard to see him reject the faith completely like this. Yikes. Pray for me. Thank you.

I will say a prayer for you right now…and just continue praying for your son and his wife. You can give them to our Blessed Mother every day. That is what I do for my children, and there has been many blessings.

 

[Kelfa28]

It’s really tough. I can imagine.

As hard as it can be…support him, attend the wedding, celebrate the fact that he is getting married and taking the commitment seriously and wants to remain with this young woman for life.

My sister and her husband are both baptized Catholics who were married in an outdoor ceremony with a friend of theirs who officiated.

I love them both dearly and pray for them every day because I want them to return to the faith.

I don’t want to turn them off from the faith and lecture them on what they are doing right and wrong.

The topic has come up with them…they are interested in Catholicism but feel it’s too difficult for them to make it happen.

They ask my husband and I questions and we are very careful to speak the truth without pointing fingers.

I don’t want to alienate myself from my family…I love them and I don’t want to lose them because of a disagreement.

 

[Bonnie]

My daughter married last year in a civil ceremony - at a doughnut shop. It was very light-hearted, but at least it was legal. Which made me happy.

Try to not show that you are unhappy - you want to be able to continue to be a part of their lives. We pray for our daughter and her husband, but we don’t preach. We’ve had enough problems in the past and I don’t want to be cut off from her.

 

[tawny]

Praying to the Holy Spirit to give your son & his fiance guidance & direction back to the Catholic Church.

 

[SilverLight]

I agree with this statement with one caveat.

If the original poster has minor children, he or she needs to think carefully about bringing them to the actual wedding ceremony as it could create scandal. Very sad situation indeed.

Pardon but scandal? How may I ask would this create scandal? I mean none of this to be rude at all.

If this was the 1800’s or early 1900’s yes I can see perhaps some scandal.

My cousin and her husband got married at a wonderful rustic barn and there where small children there also I believe. It was a wonderful wedding and one of the best I have been to in a long time. Marriage to me is about love and it sits at the core of all of them I would hope.
I know it was once done for money and status but that has changed so much.

I am so happy for the OP’s relatives and I wish them the best in the world.

I do hope I have not been rude.

Best Wishes,
SilverLight

 

[lax16]

My heart is aching. My son just got engaged to a really wonderful young woman. I’m happy that they are making their relationship legal because they’ve been living together for two years now. I found out today that they plan to get married outside with a friend officiating. He will evidently be getting some online degree that allows him to perform the ceremony. My son has not been attending Mass for several years. It’s so hard to see him reject the faith completely like this. Yikes. Pray for me. Thank you.

I’m sorry that you are going through this.

My suggestion is to pray a novena to St. Padre Pio. It s available online.

 

[SilverLight]

Thank you for your post. By scandal I mean something specific as outlined by the Catholic church. I do not mean the “scandal” found in the dictionary meaning generally something disgraceful or shameful.

Paragraph #2284 in the Catechism of the Catholic Church “Respect for the Dignity of Persons” “Respect for the Souls of others: Scandal” is the scandal I am talking about.

In essence, by presenting something to a young person that should not be done, a young person could get the impression that it would be okay, therefor we are leading the soul astray. If I am an adult and I steal something, I am guilty of stealing. If I am a girl scout leader and I steal something in front of my girl scout troop with the girls watching not only am I guilty of stealing but I am also guilty of the sin of SCANDAL. I just caused scandal to the girls because I am in a position of authority and could have given the girls the impression that it was okay to steal.

It is always prudent for parents to think carefully before taking children to invalid weddings that take place on the beach, in backyards or wherever because contrary to your post, we should be teaching our children that no, weddings are not “all about love” they are a Sacrament, instituted by Christ, primarily about God and about sacrifice. I know we disagree occasionally, but enjoy your thoughts and discussion. God bless your day.

Well I am sorry to say to you then that I believe it is about God and love. If I want my dream wedding on a beach then I want to have it there. You get married once hopefully and when you dream of something your whole life and you plan it out bit by bit. You take the time to do it all. If a family member said that to me I would just die inside.

This makes me sad I am sorry to say reading what you wrote here. I do not mean to be rude but the last part made me sad. I hope I have not hurt your feelings or anything of the sort.

Girl scouts and stealing are a whole other ball game. I would still take my children to a wedding like this because marriage is wonderful either way.

Now have a good day.

 

[agapewolf]

Well I am sorry to say to you then that I believe it is about God and love. If I want my dream wedding on a beach then I want to have it there. You get married once hopefully and when you dream of something your whole life and you plan it out bit by bit. You take the time to do it all. If a family member said that to me I would just die inside.

This makes me sad I am sorry to say reading what you wrote here. I do not mean to be rude but the last part made me sad. I hope I have not hurt your feelings or anything of the sort.

Girl scouts and stealing are a whole other ball game. I would still take my children to a wedding like this because marriage is wonderful either way.

Now have a good day.

That’s the thing…it isn’t a marriage.

The government has rules for a marriage to be valid, so does the Catholic church for Catholics. Catholics have to follow the correct form of marriage in order for it to be valid (or get a dispensation). If they don’t, they aren’t married. It is a public state of turning away from the church and publicly stating they are living together, but not married. (though most people don’t see it this way, even they probably don’t think of it that way).

To have a valid sacrament, you need the correct form and matter.

 

[SilverLight]

That’s the thing…it isn’t a marriage.

The government has rules for a marriage to be valid, so does the Catholic church for Catholics. Catholics have to follow the correct form of marriage in order for it to be valid (or get a dispensation). If they don’t, they aren’t married. It is a public state of turning away from the church and publicly stating they are living together, but not married. (though most people don’t see it this way, even they probably don’t think of it that way).

To have a valid sacrament, you need the correct form and matter.

You can have a priest as far as I know at a location though like a beach for instance. The location does not matter much to be honest well to me anyway.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

My heart is aching. My son just got engaged to a really wonderful young woman. I’m happy that they are making their relationship legal because they’ve been living together for two years now. I found out today that they plan to get married outside with a friend officiating. He will evidently be getting some online degree that allows him to perform the ceremony. My son has not been attending Mass for several years. It’s so hard to see him reject the faith completely like this. Yikes. Pray for me. Thank you.

What kind of really wonderful young woman shacks up? And conversely why does it surprise or hurt you that your so who is “living in sin” doesn’t want a church wedding?

Another poster was right it isn’t a marriage. But you better go if you ever want to see your grandkids…

 

[SilverLight]

Unfortunately that is not true. Unless you got permission from the Bishop, and it would have to be for a good reason. Like: thousands of guests at your wedding that wouldn’t fit inside the church so it has to be outside that kind of a good reason. Otherwise, if you get a dispensation to marry in the protestant church, you could marry wherever you want I suppose, but no priest then. Priests marry people inside Catholic churches.

I know and both my parents got married in one. My father is Presbyterian and did not have to convert at all. I will probably not be in this denomination when I marry though so I have no worries about where I marry.

 

[Mamanurse]

It’s really tough. I can imagine.

As hard as it can be…support him, attend the wedding, celebrate the fact that he is getting married and taking the commitment seriously and wants to remain with this young woman for life.

My sister and her husband are both baptized Catholics who were married in an outdoor ceremony with a friend of theirs who officiated.

I love them both dearly and pray for them every day because I want them to return to the faith.

I don’t want to turn them off from the faith and lecture them on what they are doing right and wrong.

The topic has come up with them…they are interested in Catholicism but feel it’s too difficult for them to make it happen.

They ask my husband and I questions and we are very careful to speak the truth without pointing fingers.

I don’t want to alienate myself from my family…I love them and I don’t want to lose them because of a disagreement.

I have to disagree with you about attending the wedding. The OP’s son is doing exactly what I did. My family, God bless them, stuck to their guns and did not attend my wedding. How, as Catholics, can we support a wedding that is not really a wedding?

I will say that it was hard not having my family their, but I knew going in that my choice was putting me in that position. But looking back, I could look to parents and siblings and see how firm they were in their faith by not supporting me in my decision. We must stand firm, otherwise we aren’t doing them any good by condoning what they are doing. And yes, by attending and celebrating we are condoning.

Pray your heart out for your son. I know that is what my parents and siblings did, which eventually brought me back to the church.

I’m sorry you are going through this. Sending prayers

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I have to disagree with you about attending the wedding. The OP’s son is doing exactly what I did. My family, God bless them, stuck to their guns and did not attend my wedding. How, as Catholics, can we support a wedding that is not really a wedding?

I will say that it was hard not having my family their, but I knew going in that my choice was putting me in that position. But looking back, I could look to parents and siblings and see how firm they were in their faith by not supporting me in my decision. We must stand firm, otherwise we aren’t doing them any good by condoning what they are doing. And yes, by attending and celebrating we are condoning.

Pray your heart out for your son. I know that is what my parents and siblings did, which eventually brought me back to the church.

I’m sorry you are going through this. Sending prayers

I was also in this situation and we had concerns that some of my husband’s relatives wouldn’t attend. We talked a lot about what our response would be if his immediate family responded in the way you’re suggesting. If the OP makes the decision not to attend, she needs to go in eyes wide open about what that will mean for her future.

Seeing grandkids? Probably not, if you refuse to acknowledge the wedding of their parents. Would we spend the time and money traveling to see them on holidays? Unlikely, since both sides of my family would really like to see us and vacation time and money is a finite resource. Elderly parents ever coming to live with us? Nope. We would support them financially as much as we could, but they wouldn’t be welcome to live with us as family. Attending his brothers’ weddings? No way. Could you think of anything more humiliating?

Our take was that we’ll love them, and we’ll always have obligations towards them. But if they’re going to make a big show about not approving of or acknowledging our family, then they simply don’t have to be a part of it. But we weren’t going to let anyone disparage our marriage and then go on as though nothing happened.

Fortunately, after the initial upset, it was a no-brainer for everyone to attend the wedding, especially after they talked to their priest. The only person who seriously thought about not going was my husband’s grandma, and my MIL talked her into it.

 

[SilverLight]

I was also in this situation and we had concerns that some of my husband’s relatives wouldn’t attend. We talked a lot about what our response would be if his immediate family responded in the way you’re suggesting. If the OP makes the decision not to attend, she needs to go in eyes wide open about what that will mean for her future.

Seeing grandkids? Probably not, if you refuse to acknowledge the wedding of their parents. Would we spend the time and money traveling to see them on holidays? Unlikely, since both sides of my family would really like to see us and vacation time and money is a finite resource. Elderly parents ever coming to live with us? Nope. We would support them financially as much as we could, but they wouldn’t be welcome to live with us as family. Attending his brothers’ weddings? No way. Could you think of anything more humiliating?

Our take was that we’ll love them, and we’ll always have obligations towards them. But if they’re going to make a big show about not approving of or acknowledging our family, then they simply don’t have to be a part of it. But we weren’t going to let anyone disparage our marriage and then go on as though nothing happened.

Fortunately, after the initial upset, it was a no-brainer for everyone to attend the wedding, especially after they talked to their priest. The only person who seriously thought about not going was my husband’s grandma, and my MIL talked her into it.

I’m happy it turned out well for you.

I believe family supports family when they must.

 

[Bonnie]

I will say that it was hard not having my family their, but I knew going in that my choice was putting me in that position. But looking back, I could look to parents and siblings and see how firm they were in their faith by not supporting me in my decision. We must stand firm, otherwise we aren’t doing them any good by condoning what they are doing. And yes, by attending and celebrating we are condoning.

I disagree. I had a Protestant aunt who (along with her family) refused to attend my Catholic wedding. Her “protest” did not make me think better of her. I loved her in spite of her actions, not because of them. Later, one of her sons married a Catholic. She didn’t handle that too well, either.