Getting married, sex, and forgiveness

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goldeyedcat

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Hi All,

I have a question, but let me give a little background on my life. I’m 25. I was born and raised RC and I’ve somewhat strayed from the Catholic Church throughout college. I participated in premarital sex in high school and in college. Now I am engaged to be married. I plan to wed in a Catholic Church. I have not yet participated in any marriage prep activities with the church, but I plan to in the near future.

I am having a moral conflict. I’ve made a decision to end my sexual encounters until I am married (fiance is fine with it), I also plan to confess this sin because I want to go about the Catholic marriage process the right way. This is an important time of my life and I’ve reached a level of maturity (and also experienced some extreme circumstances) where I want and need to embrace my faith. The problem is, I’d still feel like a hypocrite walking down the isle of a Catholic Church in a white dress. How do I get beyond this? I want to reconcile this sin and I plan to, but I still do not feel that I am worthy.

I also live with my finace. I know that too is considered morally wrong, but it isn’t something I can change immediately. I travel 7 to 10 months out of the year for work so we are often separated.

Any help or advice would be appreciated!
 
goldeyedcat said:
Hi All,

I have a question, but let me give a little background on my life. I’m 25. I was born and raised RC and I’ve somewhat strayed from the Catholic Church throughout college. I participated in premarital sex in high school and in college. Now I am engaged to be married. I plan to wed in a Catholic Church. I have not yet participated in any marriage prep activities with the church, but I plan to in the near future.

I am having a moral conflict. I’ve made a decision to end my sexual encounters until I am married (fiance is fine with it), I also plan to confess this sin because I want to go about the Catholic marriage process the right way. This is an important time of my life and I’ve reached a level of maturity (and also experienced some extreme circumstances) where I want and need to embrace my faith. The problem is, I’d still feel like a hypocrite walking down the isle of a Catholic Church in a white dress. How do I get beyond this? I want to reconcile this sin and I plan to, but I still do not feel that I am worthy.

I also live with my finace. I know that too is considered morally wrong, but it isn’t something I can change immediately. I travel 7 to 10 months out of the year for work so we are often separated.

Any help or advice would be appreciated!
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Part of forgiveness is learning (if one can learn with the heart) to forgive oneself. It does not come easy; but it is part of accepting that the Church teaches the truth: that through the sacrament of reconcilliation, we are truly and completely reconciled with God and He with us; that out sins are forgiven, and as the Old Testament says, He has put our sins behind his back.

I am sure you will get the advice from others; moving out on your own is the best advice, is common sense, and will do as much or more for you in terms of temptation to stray back to old ways as just about anything you can do. If you are traveling, you should be able to find some means of accomodations when you are back, or something that is small (an efficiency apartment) and capable of residence until your marriage.

As to the gown. Ivory works, and you don’t need to explain that to anyone. On the other hand, if you have reconciled with God, you start over from square one. The physical issue of virginity is not the determanent of your status with Him; I don’t think He is going to have a problem with it; and if someone else other than you has a problem with it, let it be their problem, not yours.

Welcome back. Life is a hard road; when we get off in the ditch, it sometimes sees as if that is all we have in front of us. And once having been in the ditch, it is easy to stray off to the side and fall into it again.

Get to Reconcilliation; run, don’t walk. As hard as you may think it will be, it is not near as hard as carrying the load that you are dragging around right now. Then pray; pray every day (a copy of the Magnificat, a small monthly publication, may be a good start). And if you fall again, get to Reconcilliation, right away. Don’t put it off.

And keep in mind the prayer of the centurion - “Lord, I am not worthy…”. None of us are; but that is not how God judges us.
 
goldeyedcat said:
Hi All,

I have a question, but let me give a little background on my life. I’m 25. I was born and raised RC and I’ve somewhat strayed from the Catholic Church throughout college. I participated in premarital sex in high school and in college. Now I am engaged to be married. I plan to wed in a Catholic Church. I have not yet participated in any marriage prep activities with the church, but I plan to in the near future.

I am having a moral conflict. I’ve made a decision to end my sexual encounters until I am married (fiance is fine with it), I also plan to confess this sin because I want to go about the Catholic marriage process the right way. This is an important time of my life and I’ve reached a level of maturity (and also experienced some extreme circumstances) where I want and need to embrace my faith. The problem is, I’d still feel like a hypocrite walking down the isle of a Catholic Church in a white dress. How do I get beyond this? I want to reconcile this sin and I plan to, but I still do not feel that I am worthy.
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Isaiah 1:18:
Come now, let us set things right, says the LORD:
Though your sins be like scarlet, they may become white as snow;
Though they be crimson red, they may become white as wool.

If wearing white truly bothers you, you could wear ivory, as the poster above suggested. But your past is only between you and God, and if you confess it, then you’re forgiven. Don’t worry about the opinions of others; they’re sinners, too, after all.

Best wishes to you on your wedding day. May God bless you with a long and happy marriage!

:harp:
 
😃 Don’t worry. I’m sure the overwheming majority of catholic women did “you know what” and still wore white at their wedding.
 
goldeyedcat said:
Hi All,

I have a question, but let me give a little background on my life. I’m 25. I was born and raised RC and I’ve somewhat strayed from the Catholic Church throughout college. I participated in premarital sex in high school and in college. Now I am engaged to be married. I plan to wed in a Catholic Church. I have not yet participated in any marriage prep activities with the church, but I plan to in the near future.

I am having a moral conflict. I’ve made a decision to end my sexual encounters until I am married (fiance is fine with it), I also plan to confess this sin because I want to go about the Catholic marriage process the right way. This is an important time of my life and I’ve reached a level of maturity (and also experienced some extreme circumstances) where I want and need to embrace my faith. The problem is, I’d still feel like a hypocrite walking down the isle of a Catholic Church in a white dress. How do I get beyond this? I want to reconcile this sin and I plan to, but I still do not feel that I am worthy.

I also live with my finace. I know that too is considered morally wrong, but it isn’t something I can change immediately. I travel 7 to 10 months out of the year for work so we are often separated.

Any help or advice would be appreciated!
Click to expand...
goldeyedcat,

You’re on the right track. You want to set your spiritual and moral life straight. Good for you.

If you are making things right with God to the extent that the only issue you have yet to deal with is the color of your dress, you’ve certainly made considerable progress!!! That’s a social custom. It doesn’t realy mean anything. Whatever color you, as the bride choose, the only person you have to justify that to is yourself. (well, ok, maybe the photographer:thumbsup: )

If you still feel uncomfortable with white, as others have suggested, go with some kind of off-white, but don’t allow anyone else’s view or thoughts to influence that.

Now, to shift gears. You yourself said that you feel you might be “unworthy” to wear a white dress. Have you thought about the fact that if you make a good confession before the wedding, as everyone should do before getting married, and more importantly, as you yourself have already realized, the white dress might be a reminder to you that your sins have been washed clean by the confession, and you are starting your married life with your new husband with a clean soul as well as a white dress? No matter what our sins were, or how serious they were, confession bleaches them away.

As for living together, that is an issue. If you are truly living “as brother and sister” that in itself is not an obstacle to the marriage, but it is a considerable opportunity for temptation, and it does open the door for others to presume that there’s more going on–including the priest who does your marriage preparation (he must ask your address, after all). Talk to your priest about this one, it’s not a small thing, but realy talk to him about it, and truly open yourself to what he has to say.
 
The whole “white gown” thing for brides is fashion, **not **a symbol of virginity.

Brides did not wear white in centuries past. They wore all sorts of colors, and it was not a special dress, just a “nice” dress. Most women could not afford to have a special dress just for the wedding. They just wore a dress they already had or got a new “Sunday” dress. It is still that way in many cultures today.

Queen Victoria chose a white dress for her wedding to Prince Albert and because she was so popular (the “Princess Di” of her day) everyone wanted white dresses after that-- but generally only wealthy women could afford a special dress worn only for the wedding. It became an absolutely fashion rage in England and then came to America.

The advent of department stores at the turn of the century made ready-to-wear clothing available and helped make having a “special” dress for your wedding possible for “average” people. But, in the depression and WWII most women did not have a special dress and certainly not a white one.

However, Grace Kelly’s marriage in the 1950s again sparked the fashion rage for a fancy white wedding dress. She had a fairytale wedding and American women were enthralled with her. And, white has survived in our Western culture.

White has no history in the Catholic Church as far as wedding gowns go.

Wear whatever you want.
 
Interesting history. I’m not convinced people will generally know the history, though, and will STILL (ignorantly it seems) think you’re preaching your virginity to the world.

I see absolutely nothing wrong with a bride thus wearing color, or a colored band of some sort. IN FACT, old Maxply here would take it as a token of the bride’s adult maturity: not pretending anything, no pretense or game, but an adult level-headedness.
 
Miss Manners says that a white dress is symbolic of a first marriage not virginity.
 
marriage.rutgers.edu/Publications/swlt2.pdf

foryourmarriage.org
Try both of these wonderful websites for articles to help you decide how to live your newly discovered desire to be faithful to the values of the church when you walk down the aisle.

Not only will you be become more faithful to the church, but to your relationship as a married woman. The best gift you can give your groom is the promise of keeping the covenantal vows 100%. Explore the website of the Catholic bishops, as well
as the www.familyministries.org in our diocese for engaged couples. There are very many wonderful articles and links worthy of checking out. God bless your impending marriage.
 
Sharing an address with your fiance is not necessarily a sin, if you are being chaste. Of course, it may place a burden on you both. And you probably should consider whether you are causing scandal to others. Ask your pastor for advice on this one.
In regards to the dress, I don’t see why you shouldn’t wear it. That is not really such a big deal, is it? We heard a sermon not so long ago where the priest said that the white dress symbolizes Christianity-- like a baptism or confirmation garment. You could look at it that way.
 
I wanted to say something, but no need. Fr David put it prefectly.
You yourself said that you feel you might be “unworthy” to wear a white dress. Have you thought about the fact that if you make a good confession before the wedding, as everyone should do before getting married, and more importantly, as you yourself have already realized, the white dress might be a reminder to you that your sins have been washed clean by the confession, and you are starting your married life with your new husband with a clean soul as well as a white dress? No matter what our sins were, or how serious they were, confession bleaches them away.
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God bless you,

Ruthie
 
I myself came back to the Church during my engagement and took confirmation. I am living with my df. It is a second marriage. I am not wearing white - I am wearing a light bridal gold and we are doing an advent theme. It is a wedding day on the Feast of St. Nicholas. God forgives if we ask him. Take care and good luck.
 
Congradulations on your engagement and even more so on your re-converstion. God forgives you most also learn how to forgive (yourself in this case). Don’t worry about the dress,after all it is the marrage that counts and not the day of the marrage.

I will keep you in my prayers.
 
Forgiveness - Personally, I believe God forgives me when I truthfully ask Him for forgiveness. As for when I forgive myself, that’s a totally different story. When we corrupt our integrity, we essentially loose sight of who we really are. It’s as if we’re blinded. Our only hope is the Truth and you know what it is. My best advise to you is a repeat of what you’ve already heard, go to confession [Reconciliation]. I would suggest you ask a priest beforehand if he has any documentation as to how to examine your conscience. It would be very helpful expecially the first couple of times to this Sacrament.

As for the White Dress - what would be more appropriate then White at your wedding. To approach the Alter of God in the State of Grace merits the outward sign of the inner person.

I’ll make another suggestion - read Thomas Merton. Bread in the Wilderness, Becoming the Man You Are, Opening the Bible. Any of his works are good reading.

Good Luck and Happiness.
 
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