Getting married to avoid sex out of marriage?

[EasterJoy]

This problem has been around for thousands of years, and the answer does not require a degree in psychology or rocket science. To reiterate that nothing was changed at the Resurrection, St. Paul said: Now to the unmarried and to widows, I say: it is a good thing for them to remain as they are, as I do, but if they cannot exercise self-control they should marry, for it is better to marry than to be on fire. 1 Cor. 7. 6-7. Underline mine, obviously, but do note that he chose “should” instead of “may”.

Skip forward to the environs of chapter 13, and he explains very nicely what love is. That is the only definition of love that we need to concern ourselves with. There are many other commands to love in Holy Scriptures, but I’m not aware of one that adds anything to it, but only gives examples of how much it truly entails.

Sex outside of marriage is of the gravity necessary to be a mortal sin. The other elements, appreciation of gravity and full consent, are necessary for it to be a mortal sin, but to tell someone they can commit a mortal sin without cutting themselves off from God is misleading at best.

Let me clarify myself, though: To presume to correct a conversation between a penitent and confessor is a risky business that I will specifically avoid, because of course the confessor is forbidden by the Seal from having any opportunity to defend himself. When in doubt (provided you are not yourself a confessor with the office of offering this kind of counsel), send the penitent back to the confessor or to get a second opinion from another confessor. Don’t cross the line of saying the confessor was wrong. Justice doesn’t allow a verdict to be reached on hearsay evidence.

Those who are on fire for someone they are not free to marry need to avoid any contact with that person that could lead to mortal sin. This is called the duty to avoid the near occasion of sin, and it is also elementary. In the old days, this solution was provided with a chaperone, but nowadays couples have to arrange to keep themselves chaperoned during their courtship. This is a heavy burden, I am sure the Lord appreciates that, certainly the rest of us should have compassion about the difficulty of it, but the duty remains, nevertheless, and we cannot let misguided compassion keep us from giving true counsel.

 

[rayne89]

Full disclosure: I am engaged to my best friend, we live together and regularly engage in sex guilt-free. The difference is that neither one of us believes that we are leading the other to hell. You can bet that if we did sex is the last thing I would do. I love him and keeping him from eternal suffering would be my number one priority.

That’s why I personally have a hard time believing that its real love. You repeatedly put your “14 year old boy” sex drive before the eternal well being of your boyfriend.

Your post made me smile, for an atheist to point out the obvious to a Catholic.

To the OP AdriannaJean, BlueEyedLady has made a very eye opening observation. The black and white of it is- either your sexual drive is higher than your concern for boyfriend’s eternal soul or your convictions have been weakened by your emotions. “I know it’s wrong but we love each other so much, this is just a deep expression of our love and we couldn’t really get sent to hell for that. God will understand because we love each other so much. It’s not like a one night stand. We’re committed to each other.” Which is not what your faith teaches, as you well know.

Of course its not quite so easy. But BlueEyedLady is absolutely correct. If you believe sex outside of marriage is a mortal sin than you are choosing to risk your boyfriend going to hell over hormones and emotional closeness if God forbid he leaves your place and has some freak accident before confession. I don’t think you actually think a sexual encounter is actually worth eternal suffering. I think maybe its time you draw closer to God and strengthen your faith. If you truly do love your boyfriend than what is lacking is strength of your faith. Because you can’t truly love your boyfriend and be truly convicted in your faith 100% and make the choices you’ve been making.

This is not a judgement. I know its hard. Draw closer to God, ask him to strengthen your faith, ask him to help you love your boyfriend with a Christ-like love -where you would never, ever choose anything that would bring him harm -no matter how much you and he both desire it.

 

[E_7]

I’m pretty sure there is a Bible verse that encourages one to get married if they cannot control themselves…

However. I don’t think lust is a good reason to get married. Also, you might want to consider not putting yourselves in the occasion of sin. No more unsupervised dates you two!!! You’ve already proven you can’t trust yourselves…

This is it

"Now to the unmarried and to widows, I say: it is a good thing for them to remain as they are, as I do,but if they cannot exercise self-control they should marry, for it is better to marry than to be on fire. " (1 Corinthians 7:8-9)

 

[rayne89]

TEvery time I go to confession and say that I’ve had sex and that I know it’s a mortal sin I get corrected by the priest. Sex outside of marriage has the potential to be a mortal sin, if you use it to cut yourself off from God. There are many mitigating factors that can make a potentially mortal sin not actually a mortal sin.

You *know *sex outside of marriage is considered a mortal sin, when you have had sex outside of marriage you chose and were not forced, and we already know sex outside of marriage is a grave matter. Are you telling me your priest told you that having sex with your boyfriend was not a mortal sin for you -that it would only be so if you are using it to cut yourself off from God? Because if that is the case you need to find yourself a new confessor.

By choosing to have sex before marriage with an informed conscience that is exactly what you are doing. You do not have think “I’m using sex to cut myself off from God.” Making an informed choice to go against church teaching already sends that message. Do you realize how outrageous that sounds in other contexts? I am know cheating on my husband is wrong. But I’m not cheating on my spouse to cut myself off from God, that’s not my reason at all. So it is not a mortal sin for me. I don’t need to go to confession. I beat up my girlfriend when she makes me angry, but I don’t beat up my girlfriend because I want to cut myself off from God so than beating up my girlfriend does not cut me off from God. I can still receive communion on Sunday morning after beating up girlfriend Saturday night. What?

 

[GraceDK]

Thank you for your concern. We have been dating for a year, but have been close friends for three years. We knew one another very well when we started dating so there wasn’t much of a “getting to know one another” stage at all.

Cool… thats all the more reason why you know where you have one another and who you are, so taking a time out wont affect that. It will give you clarity of mind and freedom from sin to say fully yes or no. The Bible tells us that sin blinds us… and I think thats really one of those temporal consequences that last well beyond the time of confession.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I have also been in similar relationships, however this is not one of them. He has never pressured me for sex.

Oh… no, ,my boyfriend didn’t pressure me for sex either. He simply made it clear in his actions and statements that he didn’t really take the faith seriously in this matter. he would come on to me etc. tempting me until I lost control. Basically he thought that as long as we didn’t sleep together we were okay, and when I said our relationship couldn’t continue like that he felt I was exaggerating… basically he didn’t believe what the Church teaches about the consequences of sexual sin.
I always remember the saints who said: I would rather die than commit a mortal sin. During relationships I have come to realise I needed to get on the page with God’s reality instead of making up my own.
I find that its best when both partners are on the same page on chastity and the why’s and how’s. One time I saw my former boyfriend receiving Eucharist without having gone to confession. At that point I realised that if I really believed in the Bible I should not see this man again until were were both fully committed and ready for marriage. Numerous times in the New Testament impurity is listed as a dangerous sin “against ones own body” which “blinds people” and “such people cannot inherit the Kingdom of God”. I think the matter is serious. You say you have been dating for only one year. Lets be real, being a couple and being pals are two very different things. You say you go months without falling, yet you also say you have been in the confessional at least some times… all in one year of dating. I also wonder what is going on when you say that you don’t sin mortally. I hope you realise that full knowlege simply means “sufficient knowlege”.

I’m afraid I’m the one with the weakest will and am the initiator. Which, I know is not typical for the woman in a relationship, but there you have it, I have the sex drive of your average 14 year old male. In other relationships I have often felt God telling me, whenever I prayed, to get out of them. I’ve told God that if He asks I will leave, but every time I pray on it, I get the feeling I’m supposed to stay, which has not been the case in previous relationships.

** No, I also know other couples where the woman was the one seduding the man. It might well be that God is pleased that you should be with this man. But I don’t think you should accept the way things are now…**

It concerns me as well, but as I said above, every time I pray I get a strong sense that I’m supposed to stay. If that were not the case I would leave (as I have done in multiple other relationships). As it stands right now, we’re practicing NFP at the moment. And the periods of abstinence in marriage don’t really scare me off because we often go months at a time being abstinent now.

**You are practicing NFP…? You mean to tell me you plan when you can have sex and when not and actually keep those days? I am confused about what you really want to hear from us… I think you have made your mind and you are okay with the way things are going… I think you are well into the compromising, that probably most of us know from our own lives… **

 

[AdriannaJean]

I don’t think you actually think a sexual encounter is actually worth eternal suffering. I think maybe its time you draw closer to God and strengthen your faith. If you truly do love your boyfriend than what is lacking is strength of your faith. Because you can’t truly love your boyfriend and be truly convicted in your faith 100% and make the choices you’ve been making.

This is not a judgement. I know its hard. Draw closer to God, ask him to strengthen your faith, ask him to help you love your boyfriend with a Christ-like love -where you would never, ever choose anything that would bring him harm -no matter how much you and he both desire it.

You’re right. I need to work on my faith. Though I confess I do have a hard time believing that God would actually damn someone that tries for chastity but messes up occasionally. People in here have been twisting my words and trying to make me seem like I was planning on just continuing having sex. That was never the case. As I’ve made clear several times, the vast majority of our relationship has been spent chastely. I have just been frustrated with the times that we do mess up. I was never saying that it wasn’t a serious matter and I was never saying it was ok for us to do what we were doing. But I also did point out that while I know it’s not right to do it and I am working hard at not doing it, my understanding of what counts as mitigating factors for a mortal sin have, to my knowledge, mitigated the circumstances under which he and I have occasionally slipped. That being said, I always go to confession. While the circumstances may have prevented it from being a mortal sin, it was still a sin.

You advice is good and I think you’re right. My problem is not lack of love for my boyfriend but lack of faith. That’s something I will take to heart and work on. Thank you.

Oh… no, ,my boyfriend didn’t pressure me for sex either. **He simply made it clear in his actions and statements that he didn’t really take the faith seriously in this matter. he would come on to me etc. tempting me until I lost control. **Basically he thought that as long as we didn’t sleep together we were okay, and when I said our relationship couldn’t continue like that he felt I was exaggerating… basically he didn’t believe what the Church teaches about the consequences of sexual sin.

That’s definitely pressuring you. When I say my boyfriend never pressures me, I mean he makes a point of not tempting me and makes it clear that if I think chastity is important, then it’s important to him too.

 

[AdriannaJean]

You are doing it with full knowledge that its wrong, and you are giving full consent. Its my understanding that that’s pretty much all it takes. And the fact that you know its wrong but you seem to be looking for a mitigating loophole of sorts strikes me as extra wrong.

I’m not out looking for mitigating factors. As I said above, they were pointed out to me by my confessor. Up until the priest pointed them out, I was convinced it was a mortal sin in my case.

 

[twoangels]

You are doing it with full knowledge that its wrong, and you are giving full consent. Its my understanding that that’s pretty much all it takes. And the fact that you know its wrong but you seem to be looking for a mitigating loophole of sorts strikes me as extra wrong.

If you have a divided will where you are struggling between the desire to engage in sex and the desire to obey God and the two wills are battling out so that your behavior involves both avoiding near occassions of sin, going to confession regularly but while in other instances dragging the other person toward another room, stopping short of the door way, turning around still holding their wrist and then going out in public to hang out at a coffeeshop with lots of people and your brother all while the tension builds and the brush of fingers is so intense you know within moments that you have the choice between making out in public (because you no longer care who you make uncomfortable) or “getting a room”, that you ultimately decide to get a room. And then you drive back to the location of the private room, but then stop short of the door again and start just verbalizing your desires and going on and on about how you really shouldn’t, but how much you want to and asking “Do you want to?” till one of you grabs the other’s hand again while the other decides to offer no resistance till you make out to a point and stop short again but go a little further than the time before…

That’s still sin and that’s still grave sin but that’s not full consent of the will. Even if this has happened so numerous times that you’ve actually engaged in intercourse but still go around in circles resisting as your two wills battle it out like Ninja’s, that’s not full consent of the will.

Full consent of the will consists of a Catholic couple who know what the Church teaches, may even give lip service for it, but excuse their sexual sins due to “human nature” and “no human being is perfect.” And so they live together, sleep in the same bed and express themselves sexually whenever they feel like it while their consciences die and offer no resistance because they have no will within themselves to reject the sin. Its “I know, I know, but I don’t care.” That’s full consent of the will and THAT is mortal sin.

 

[GraceDK]

You’re right. I need to work on my faith. Though I confess I do have a hard time believing that God would actually damn someone that tries for chastity but messes up occasionally. People in here have been twisting my words and trying to make me seem like I was planning on just continuing having sex. That was never the case. As I’ve made clear several times, the vast majority of our relationship has been spent chastely. I have just been frustrated with the times that we do mess up. I was never saying that it wasn’t a serious matter and I was never saying it was ok for us to do what we were doing. But I also did point out that while I know it’s not right to do it and I am working hard at not doing it, my understanding of what counts as mitigating factors for a mortal sin have, to my knowledge, mitigated the circumstances under which he and I have occasionally slipped. That being said, I always go to confession. While the circumstances may have prevented it from being a mortal sin, it was still a sin.

You advice is good and I think you’re right. My problem is not lack of love for my boyfriend but lack of faith. That’s something I will take to heart and work on. Thank you.

That’s definitely pressuring you. When I say my boyfriend never pressures me, I mean he makes a point of not tempting me and makes it clear that if I think chastity is important, then it’s important to him too.

Well, welcome to the club I sure also have to work on my faith. Actually I see myself a lot in you in the way you write, so I am worried somehow that you end up getting really hurt… because really, when you are that involved, things go very bad if they go bad. You have given your most intimate gift of self to a person who is not your husband and have also taken that from him. That’s not what God intended, because He knows that we get hurt, always, through sin. Even if it doesn’t appear so at the moment when we give in.

I have been thinking about your case the last two hours, and I realized that I sounded like an old aunt … I mean, maybe its easier to run away than to face the challenges, and for some of us it was better to run, but not for you… When you love someone you try to make things work. And that’s a processs, so what I forgot to say is that its great you found youself a guy that you love. That’s really big.
I hope that for both you and him you can do your best at being a Christian witness.

I have just one book to recommend to you and its called
Love and Responsibility, by Karol Wojtyla. Its life changing words in there, and it makes you wanna be a better person.
But we have to realize we cannot be chaste on our own. Chastity is a gift of the Holy Spirit. You get that grace by staying close to the Lord in prayer and reading His Word. I need to do that myself too, if I ever get the privilege of courtship again.

Ps. How about engagement?

 

[GraceDK]

Full consent of the will consists of a Catholic couple who know what the Church teaches, may even give lip service for it, but excuse their sexual sins due to “human nature” and “no human being is perfect.” And so they live together, sleep in the same bed and express themselves sexually whenever they feel like it while their consciences die and offer no resistance because they have no will within themselves to reject the sin. Its “I know, I know, but I don’t care.” That’s full consent of the will and THAT is mortal sin.

No that’s not true. Its doesn’t take that much indifference to make a mortal sin.
Anyway, we can discuss that on another thread if you want.,

 

[AdriannaJean]

Well, welcome to the club I sure also have to work on my faith. Actually I see myself a lot in you in the way you write, so I am worried somehow that you end up getting really hurt… because really, when you are that involved, things go very bad if they go bad. You have given your most intimate gift of self to a person who is not your husband and have also taken that from him. That’s not what God intended, because He knows that we get hurt, always, through sin. Even if it doesn’t appear so at the moment when we give in.

I have been thinking about your case the last two hours, and I realized that I sounded like an old aunt … I mean, maybe its easier to run away than to face the challenges, and for some of us it was better to run, but not for you… When you love someone you try to make things work. And that’s a processs, so what I forgot to say is that its great you found youself a guy that you love. That’s really big.
I hope that for both you and him you can do your best at being a Christian witness.

I have just one book to recommend to you and its called
Love and Responsibility, by Karol Wojtyla. Its life changing words in there, and it makes you wanna be a better person.
But we have to realize we cannot be chaste on our own. Chastity is a gift of the Holy Spirit. You get that grace by staying close to the Lord in prayer and reading His Word. I need to do that myself too, if I ever get the privilege of courtship again.

Ps. How about engagement?

Thank you. It means a lot to me to have someone recognize that we actually do love one another and that just ending it isn’t the best option. I will definitely read it. I actually have it sitting on my shelf but have never gotten around to it. Maybe I was given inspiration to read it when I needed it most.

As for engagement, the extent to which we aren’t engaged right now is questionable. We’ve agreed that we’re getting married. I don’t know why all this emphasis is put on “his proposal”. I’ve made it clear to him many times that I don’t want a proposal where I’m surprised and have to make a decision on the spot. I feel like it better reflects our relationship and his respect for me as a person that we decided to get married through a series of lengthy conversations about what we would want a marriage to look like. That we are getting married, we already know. It’s just a question of choosing when. So I guess to some people that’s considered an engagement, but to others it doesn’t count if there isn’t a date and a ring. We’re avoiding the ring and telling my family until we actually have to go about wedding planning, because as I said before, the older I am when my family finds out I’m engaged, the less angry they will be. If we’re not going to be getting married for the next two years, there’s no point in stressing my family out until a year before or so. So, as far as our decision is concerned, we are engaged. There has just been no elaborate proposal with a ring, and that’s not something I’m even sure I want.

Thank you for your compassion and advice. It has been very helpful and I really do appreciate it.

 

[AdriannaJean]

If you have a divided will where you are struggling between the desire to engage in sex and the desire to obey God and the two wills are battling out so that your behavior involves both avoiding near occassions of sin, going to confession regularly but while in other instances dragging the other person toward another room, stopping short of the door way, turning around still holding their wrist and then going out in public to hang out at a coffeeshop with lots of people and your brother all while the tension builds and the brush of fingers is so intense you know within moments that you have the choice between making out in public (because you no longer care who you make uncomfortable) or “getting a room”, that you ultimately decide to get a room. And then you drive back to the location of the private room, but then stop short of the door again and start just verbalizing your desires and going on and on about how you really shouldn’t, but how much you want to and asking “Do you want to?” till one of you grabs the other’s hand again while the other decides to offer no resistance till you make out to a point and stop short again but go a little further than the time before…

That’s still sin and that’s still grave sin but that’s not full consent of the will. Even if this has happened so numerous times that you’ve actually engaged in intercourse but still go around in circles resisting as your two wills battle it out like Ninja’s, that’s not full consent of the will.

Full consent of the will consists of a Catholic couple who know what the Church teaches, may even give lip service for it, but excuse their sexual sins due to “human nature” and “no human being is perfect.” And so they live together, sleep in the same bed and express themselves sexually whenever they feel like it while their consciences die and offer no resistance because they have no will within themselves to reject the sin. Its “I know, I know, but I don’t care.” That’s full consent of the will and THAT is mortal sin.

Thank you. You explained this concept a lot better than I did.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you. It means a lot to me to have someone recognize that we actually do love one another and that just ending it isn’t the best option. I will definitely read it. I actually have it sitting on my shelf but have never gotten around to it. Maybe I was given inspiration to read it when I needed it most.

As for engagement, the extent to which we aren’t engaged right now is questionable. We’ve agreed that we’re getting married. I don’t know why all this emphasis is put on “his proposal”. I’ve made it clear to him many times that I don’t want a proposal where I’m surprised and have to make a decision on the spot. I feel like it better reflects our relationship and his respect for me as a person that we decided to get married through a series of lengthy conversations about what we would want a marriage to look like. That we are getting married, we already know. It’s just a question of choosing when. So I guess to some people that’s considered an engagement, but to others it doesn’t count if there isn’t a date and a ring. We’re avoiding the ring and telling my family until we actually have to go about wedding planning, because as I said before, the older I am when my family finds out I’m engaged, the less angry they will be. If we’re not going to be getting married for the next two years, there’s no point in stressing my family out until a year before or so. So, as far as our decision is concerned, we are engaged. There has just been no elaborate proposal with a ring, and that’s not something I’m even sure I want.

Thank you for your compassion and advice. It has been very helpful and I really do appreciate it.

So which are you going to do: Make concrete plans to get married or make concrete plans to keep yourself in chaperoned situations until you do? If you do neither, admit that you are not divided. You’ve made a concrete decision that avoiding this sin has a lower priority than your other choices.

Remember what Yogi Berra used to say:
If you come to a fork in the road, take it and
If you don’t know where you’re going, you might not get there

If chastity is where you want to go, then make concrete plans to get there. If you don’t make those plans, you know where you’ll end up, instead. That is a concrete choice, too.

 

[Iheartcoffee]

So which are you going to do: Make concrete plans to get married or make concrete plans to keep yourself in chaperoned situations until you do? If you do neither, admit that you are not divided. You’ve made a concrete decision that avoiding this sin has a lower priority than your other choices.

Remember what Yogi Berra used to say:
If you come to a fork in the road, take it and
If you don’t know where you’re going, you might not get there

If chastity is where you want to go, then make concrete plans to get there. If you don’t make those plans, you know where you’ll end up, instead. That is a concrete choice, too.

I agree with the post I quoted above. If you plan to get married then truly plan it. Avoid anything that leads you to sin and know that once you are married you will have the freedom to sleep together as much as you want. Perhaps even having a date set will help things. It’s easier to think, “We won’t have sex until _______” than to just say you “won’t have sex for a while”. Make goals that are measurable and you will probably have a better chance of sticking to them. It may not be easy but it must be done for the sake of your soul and his. Think of it this way, you love each other enough that you would give up sex to ensure that your souls stay pure. No one is asking that you give it up forever, just until the wedding night.

Stay strong because you CAN overcome this.

 

[AnaTurin]

NEVER EVER EVER Get married just because of sex.

Yes, it’s a big part of marriage, but you need to sit down alone, and really be honest with yourself. Ask yourself, if you removed the sexual aspect of your relationship, is it still worth it? Would you still want to spend the rest of your life with that person? Even if for some reason, something happened and you couldn’t have sex, would you still be happy with that person day after day?

If the answer is “no” or if you can’t quite decide, then definitely don’t get married.

A very good friend of mine (who is Puerto Rican, and very direct) told me; “Don’t be blinded by horniness!”

Sex can cloud your mind and make you see the person through “rose colored lenses”. This is GREAT if you are ALREADY married. But TERRIBLE before that. It’s BEFORE marriage that you need to see ALL of their faults clearly so you can make the best decision without being coerced by your own emotions and hormones.

BE CAREFUL.

 

[EasterJoy]

NEVER EVER EVER Get married just because of sex.

Good advice*****, but it doesn’t really describe the situation.

The OP describes a relationship that she already has good reason to believe will lead to a solid and permanent marriage. Her boyfriend shares this assessment. My sense is that if they were both 24, she wouldn’t even be asking this. As it is, she is under pressure from her family to marry later in life (to name one reason she has for waiting).

*****I don’t mean that it is not OK to marry with the common goal of preserving chastity as a high priority. I mean what I think you mean: that is, it is an EXTREMELY bad idea to let an illicit sexual relationship make your decisions for you, and that many tragedies have come out of making this mistake.

 

[Dan_Daly]

You are doing it with full knowledge that its wrong, and you are giving full consent. Its my understanding that that’s pretty much all it takes. And the fact that you know its wrong but you seem to be looking for a mitigating loophole of sorts strikes me as extra wrong.

I second this.

The matter is grave.

It is done with consent. Barring rape, sex is pretty much always done with consent, we don’t go “ooops, I just had sex with someone”.

The OP has expressed her knowledge that it is a grave matter.

So that is grave matter, full knowledge, full consent. While none of us can judge your soul, the reasonable conclusion based upon what you tell us is that you are committing mortal sins.

Some priests give bad advice in and outside of the confessional.

My advice would be to take one of two routes:

1. Terminate your relationship with this man and never speak to him again.

It doesn’t sound like you will like that suggestion. So here’s alternative #2…

1. Decide to live a chaste relationship. Chastity in the unmarried state is much more than not having intercourse. Any knowing and willing arousal of the sexual passions outside of marriage is a mortal sin. “Making out” isn’t something minor. It can lead to graver sins for sure, but it is (with knowledge and consent) a mortal sin all on its own.

So how to live chastely? I’d recommend not engaging in any physical affection for one another beyond occassionally holding hands- on a walk- not on the couch. Don’t be alone together. Spend time together with family or friends or in public. Don’t hang out over each other’s places alone. Don’t go parking in the car. Don’t go to the dark movie theatre and sit in the back. If the gentleman in question is really someone you want to marry, take the sexual passions involved out of the equation so you can reasonably evaluate if he really is.

Sex outside of marriage can not be truly loving. The primary purpose of marriage and the marital act is proceation.

You may think you are being loving to each other (which would be mistaken) but you are quite clearly not being loving to any children that would be created by the acts you are engaging in.

The situation is not good. It needs to change dramatically. Either end it or make the difficult and radical changes needed to bring it into conformity with your faith.

I’d strongly recommend adding a daily rosary to your life if you don’t do so already. Our Lady will help you.

Pax Christi

 

[Nec5]

Well, I suppose getting married to avoid sex our of marriage is better than having sex out of marriage to avoid getting married.

Although I wouldn’t hang my hat on either of those lines of reasoning.

 

[Dan_Daly]

To the OP, you said:

Read the Code of Canon Law, a marriage is always presumed valid until an annulment process has been started. Marriage enjoys the favour of law. I’m currently finishing up a theology degree. I’ve taken classes both on sex, marriage and marriage in the Code of Canon Law

St. Basil the Great said:

If you want to be a theologian, obey the commandments.

To explain further on the recommendations I made above…

I am sure if you examine the times you have fallen into this sin of fornication, you will see that they did not “just happen”. Certain circumstances led up to the fall in each case. I would guess may include some or all of the following:

-Being alone with your boyfriend
-Physical touching: kissing, hugging, snuggling, etc
-Darkness or dim light
-Certain topics of conversation
-Consumption of alcohol
-Fatigue
-Certain types of attire worn by one or both of you

Eliminate the conditions that lead to failure. We are all weak. Depending on strength of will without using the power of reason to minimize temptations is a recipe for failure.

Frequent the sacraments as much as possible. If you can make it to daily Mass do so. If you can make it daily Confession do so. Go to Mass as much as possible, but don’t receive if you are in a state of mortal sin. You will receive no benefit from the Sacrament and in fact occur an additional sin for the sacriligious communion.

Pax

 

[JDB823]

I’m not out looking for mitigating factors. As I said above, they were pointed out to me by my confessor. Up until the priest pointed them out, I was convinced it was a mortal sin in my case.

As a general rule, it is better to trust your confessor than a stranger on the internet.

As for the relationship, obviously don’t marry because of hormones. But it does worry me that your family is not approving of you getting married. Is it because they don’t want you to get married now or because they don’t want you to marry him?

My point is that your family may be seeing something that you don’t. Maybe he is the wrong man or maybe you are too immature. On the other hand, they may be following the secular culture’s false belief that young marriage is always bad. Find out exactly why they are opposed to marrying sooner rather than later.

If they have no good reasons and you believe that you are called to marry this man, then do it.