Getting married young--recipe for disaster?

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monicaperez

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years and we’ve talked about marriage and our future life together but he always says that we are too young. I am 21 and he is 22. He just graduated and I’m going to graduate in the fall. We are both planning on continuing our education but I can’t imagine waiting another 4 years to get married. The hard part is that we might end up in a long distance relationship because I am going to California and he hasn’t decided which graduate school he wants to attend. What do you guys think? I love him very much and I dream about us getting married and him being the father of my children. What annoys me is how he always talks about how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but I hate that. I want him to either propose or stop talking about it. Any advice??
 
Honestly, if HE thinks he is too young…then he’s probably too young. Whether you want to hang in and wait to see when/if he decides he’s finally ready, is up to you.

I was 21 when I married. My husband was 27. Honestly, I was totally ready, and so was my husband. But I really doubt he would have been ready at 21. During those six years he traveled, backpacked Europe, and did some other things that were important to him. I’m glad I didn’t meet him until he was 24 😃 We started dating a year later, and he was completely ready to make a commitment at that point.

My advice: don’t push him, and don’t have the expectation he is going to wake up anytime too soon and decide he wants to propose. Take him AS HE IS. Which is NOT ready for marriage right now. Decide if you want to stay with him based on that, not based on something you hope is going to happen. If you’re okay with a long-distance relationship and a courtship of years stretching out before you, then stay with him. If you are NOT okay with that, you might want to think about moving on.

God bless.
 
You know… at first I was going to come on here and say “of course you’re not too young to get married…” Then I read the PP’s reply.

I completely agree- if your boyfriend says he is too young to get married, then he is. He is not mature enough for the kind of commitment and struggle being married can be sometimes. Because, let’s face it, as wonderful as being married is, it’s not easy. Especially not the first year.

I was 21 when I got married. I met my future DH when I was 19 and I knew there was no one else for me. I know even now that I was right. DH, however, was 26 when we met and 28 when we wed. He would not have been ready for marriage at 21 like I was. No way. He had a lot of maturing to do…

You guys are talking about going to different grad schools- would you still do that if you were married?? Because being married and being apart is a lot harder than dating and being apart (we did the being married and apart thing for one semester, but our whole dating relationship was long distance.)

As hard as it might be, you need to wait on this. Go do whatevre you feel God is calling you to do with your life- continue your education, volunteer work, etc. If you and your boyfriend are supposed to marry, it will happen. Just concentrate on doing God’s will in all things and you’ll be okay.
 
My DH and I were 22 when we got married. And no we weren’t too young. But neither of us felt we were too young either. Also we weren’t going to graduate school. He had landed a job and I was going to be a stay at home wife until children arrived. We knew how to save money and what a commitment really ment. If your boyfriend says hey I’m too young and you really want graduate school I’m thinking you guys are too young. There isn’t time for nonsense like that when kids arrive and that is what marriage is really about.
 
My husband and I were both 22 when we married. We married right after graduation (the Friday of the same week when the graduation was Monday). We were both ready, and we knew it. We also went on to grad school, and we both got MAs. Oh, and I was pregnant by our first anniversary. (Not too shabby for Protestants as we then were.)

So, no, I do not think that the age or the grad school should be a factor in your decision. However, I would also say that, since you are ready for marriage, if he is not, then you ought to move on. You ought not to waste four years “hanging around” to see if he is going to mature. He might never, you know. Instead, let go of him and of the relationship, as difficult as that might be. If, in a few years’ time, you have not found someone else, and if he is ready by then, perhaps you could see about getting back to him. But I would not put your future vocation in jeopardy waiting around.
 
monicaperez said:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years and we’ve talked about marriage and our future life together but he always says that we are too young. I am 21 and he is 22. He just graduated and I’m going to graduate in the fall. We are both planning on continuing our education but I can’t imagine waiting another 4 years to get married. The hard part is that we might end up in a long distance relationship because I am going to California and he hasn’t decided which graduate school he wants to attend. What do you guys think? I love him very much and I dream about us getting married and him being the father of my children. What annoys me is how he always talks about how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but I hate that. I want him to either propose or stop talking about it. Any advice??
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Getting married young is not a recipe for disaster.

Getting married when one of the people is not ready is a recipe for disaster.

Tell your boyfriend *once *(if you haven’t already) you would appreciate he not talk about spending the rest of his life with you unless he has firm plans to act on those actions. Then drop it. If he brings it up again, try to ignore him. Perhaps he’s hinting at something? Perhaps not. Either way, be thankful that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you and that he is honest/self-aware enough to recognize now is not the time for him to be married. Lots of men feel pressured to stay single for a long time these days - my fiance and I are getting married next Friday, and every day he has at least one of his guy friends tell him “It’s not too late, Man!” As if he would reconsider right now! Right now the two of you are thinking grad school, and you’ve already chosen a college - do you expect him to follow you to CA even if you are engaged? Would you give up your scholastic expectations for a life with him? Are both of you okay doing the long distance relationship/engagement/wedding planning? It sounds to me like there are a lot of questions and only one (great) answer: he wants to spend the rest of his life with you! You’re my age - we have a loooong rest of life left! Enjoy knowing he loves you enough to talk to you about the future (something many guys his age have trouble doing), and try to take it day-by-day.

Christ’s Peace,

–
 
my husband and I met a few weeks before our 19th birthdays, and got married at 21…, almost 9 months ago.
so far it hasn’t been a desaster 😛 although we had some tough time adjusting to each other, but well, that’s part of marriage !
YET neither of us felt too young for marriage. If your boyfriend does, then he IS. I know it is difficult being in a relationship where on wants to go faster than the other: the 2 months I had to wait between the time when I felt totally ready to accept a proposal and when DH actually proposed were very hard, and there were merely 2 months.

I hope you can discuss it openly. If he really does not feel ready, a long term relationship may jut be the thing for you : it will enable him to do the things he feels he wants to do before getting married (because he will spend less time with you) and at the same time realize how important you are to him.
 
How long have you two been dating? If it’s more than a year or two, I’d say it’s time for him to put up or shut up. 😃

All joking aside…I agree it is a bad idea to get married if one or both people are just immature. But that’s not always a function of age. My DH and I dated through high school and college and got married last summer. I was 23 and he was 24. We would have married a few years sooner if not for family pressures. I don’t think I ever heard the words “we are too young to get married” coming out of his mouth.

What’s his family life like? Do his parents have a good marriage?
Tell your boyfriend once (if you haven’t already) you would appreciate he not talk about spending the rest of his life with you unless he has firm plans to act on those actions.
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This is excellent advice.
 
monicaperez said:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years and we’ve talked about marriage and our future life together but he always says that we are too young. I am 21 and he is 22. He just graduated and I’m going to graduate in the fall. We are both planning on continuing our education but I can’t imagine waiting another 4 years to get married. The hard part is that we might end up in a long distance relationship because I am going to California and he hasn’t decided which graduate school he wants to attend. What do you guys think? I love him very much and I dream about us getting married and him being the father of my children. What annoys me is how he always talks about how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but I hate that. I want him to either propose or stop talking about it. Any advice??
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It seems you have responses from the fairer sex, now here’s a slant from a guy.

I don’t believe that one should judge based on age so much as maturity. Here’s a question… If God blessed you with a baby soon after your nuptials, how would you and your husband deal with this? Have you discussed it?

How are the children to be raised. If he is in one city and you another, how will that work?

Try not to be too in love with the thought of getting married. Instead focus on the joy of being married and all that it entails…

Oh, and if he is not quite ready (and I really understand why), don’t badger him. You both have all the time in the world…
 
I’ll throw in my two cents. While I think some 22 year olds are not too young to be married, I also think it does show some responsibility on his part to want to wait considering your situations. You’ve said that y’all both want to attend grad school and you might be in different states. Is that going to change if y’all get married?

Personally I would not want to be married while in school – that’s just me. That’s not to say that others haven’t been married while in school and made it work. There’s a lot going on while you’re in school – studying, taking tests, et cetera – that I personally know I would not be able to do if distracted by being married. But, again, that’s just me. Maybe that’s how it is for your boyfriend.

I do not think either one of you is right or wrong. It’s just where you are right now. You can either accept him for where he is and wait until he’s ready or you can decide that’s not right for you and move on. But if you decide to stay and wait until he’s ready, you need to honor that decision that he’s made and not be resentful of it.
 
Thank you guys for all of your advice. I know that I want to be with him so I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what God has planned for us.

God Bless!
 
*Hi there; 👋

You have received great advice thus far.

I will add…I think it’s also easy to take it personally…does he really want to marry me, or does he really just want to wait until we have more money saved, are on better footing financially, so forth? I’m sure that swirls in your head at times, but I think that your bf sounds very mature for wanting to wait and maybe he will propose sooner than later–never know!

I got married when I was 22, that being said. I was just out of college. My husband, however, is 10 yrs older than me, so he had a jump start on finances, etc…I had many people tell me that I was too young…(and too young for him:o) but we are approaching our 18th wedding anniversary so we must have done something right. Marriage is a vocation–discern wisely.

Keep praying about this, and God will reveal to you many things about your future with this man, if he is the right one, when the right time might be. I wish you great success with your relationship, it is nice to see a love story such as yours. :love: God bless!*
 
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