Getting Married Young

[bookgirl32]

A tale of two couples…

Couple #1–me and DH. I was 21, he was 23. Decided to let God plan our family for us.

Couple #2–DH’s younger brother and his wife. He was 22, she was 19. Also decided to let God make the arrangements for their family.

Both couples got married in 1988, so we’re looking at our 20th anniversaries this year.

Couple #1–one child. And he was adopted.
Couple #2–Baby #12 is due around their anniversary date.

We’ve had our ups and downs (who doesn’t?) I never finished getting my B.A. in education, my BIL’s wife never wanted to go to college, but we’re both homeschooling moms, although I work full-time and she stays at home. We’ve both had to file bankruptcy at one time in our lives. We’ve both suffered loss (They’ve had two miscarriages and a stillbirth; we’ve had adoptions fall through, not to mention the cross of infertility to bear.) We’ve both had medical problems (DH is a cancer survivor; BIL has macular degeneration and is legally blind at the age of 42.) We’ve had times when the men were out of work and the women stepped up to the plate to help out (or, more accurately, went to our knees to ask God for help!) But we’ve all gone to Rome to see another BIL ordained by JPII (that sure wasn’t in the plans!), we have had wonderful family vacations (on tight budgets, but so what?), we have great kids, we married our best friends, we became each other’s best friends, and in the process, we grew closer to God.

Maybe they wish for a little more free time. Sometimes we wish we had more children.

But we’re all happy. It’s what you make of it. Enjoy your life, whether it’s just the two of you or a houseful. There will always be bills, there will always be one more thing you should’ve gotten done. Our final destination is Heaven and like the old saying goes, “getting there is half the fun”.

Enjoy the ride!

Awesome!!!

 

[hasikelee]

Okay, I stand corrected.
But, honestly ladies, do you expect your new husband to foot the bill for your student loans? If I met a girl and I was attracted and she was into me, the moment I learned she had a big 'ole student loan and that I would have to pay it off for her, well I’d stroke her off the list. No, it’s not about the money - it is about demonstrating to me irresponsibility that would surely carry over to other points of our marriage. If she was truly responsible, she would work for a few years and pay off that debt before looking for a husband.

To be quite honest, when I transfer oncampus to finish my Theology degree at Steubenville, I don’t want to write off the possibility because God can work miracles, but I really doubt I’ll be meeting my future wife there.

I think a lot of people would say it doesn’t matter, they are marrying for the love of the person.

I will step out on a ledge here to agree with you. If my DH had a lot of school loans, I would have postponed marriage, or at least postponed until he had a “career” job with a clear budgeting plan.

School loans are up there with bankruptcy and failed mortgages to me. (Not saying in general, just to me).

Fortunately, DH had his first two years as a gift from his parents, then he worked the last two. He has one $5k school loan from his senior year and he will be paying for an additional summer semester out of pocket to get further certification. I felt that $5K was a reasonable amount that can be paid off fairly quickly. The gov’t has the interest covered right now anyways.

I have paid for everything out of pocket, working fulltime the whole time and going to the community college the first two years. My junior year has been a complete nightmare and I am transferring out of this school. I have a $2200 loan from it and paid for everything else out of pocket. My grades qualified me for an online program to finish my senior year, so I can be a SAHM. That senior year might equal $6-7K after my scholarships and financial aid is applied.

Personally, a small loan (under 10K) seems fiscally more responsible than those crazy students who didn’t work for 4years at college, or those students who racked up >10K in loans. I can’t imagine anyone’s education was really worth what people are paying. I know people in my classes who owe 50K, 80K, even 100K. That’s ridiculous unless you are going to be a doctor or a lawyer.

Maybe I feel education shouldn’t cost so much because I was homeschooled. Personally, I haven’t “learned” anything from my academic experience, other than how to brown-nose teachers and how to miss 50% of my classes while still being in the top 5% of the class. I am rolling my eyes here. I can’t wait until I can take all online classes. I love independent study.

 

[Rach620]

And who is to say that all that education isn’t FOR your children, therefore much needed education in the field of Stay At Home Momness!

A very good point, too, bookgirl. I was just trying to show how the point of education is fulfillment, not utility. A fulfilled mommy is going to do her mommy job much better than one who thinks of her life at home as something vastly inferior to life outside of it, as some seem to suggest.

Plus, a PhD would sure give the kids of a homeschooling mommy a leg-up!

 

[Rach620]

I think a lot of people would say it doesn’t matter, they are marrying for the love of the person.

I will step out on a ledge here to agree with you. If my DH had a lot of school loans, I would have postponed marriage, or at least postponed until he had a “career” job with a clear budgeting plan.

School loans are up there with bankruptcy and failed mortgages to me. (Not saying in general, just to me).

Fortunately, DH had his first two years as a gift from his parents, then he worked the last two. He has one $5k school loan from his senior year and he will be paying for an additional summer semester out of pocket to get further certification. I felt that $5K was a reasonable amount that can be paid off fairly quickly. The gov’t has the interest covered right now anyways.

I have paid for everything out of pocket, working fulltime the whole time and going to the community college the first two years. My junior year has been a complete nightmare and I am transferring out of this school. I have a $2200 loan from it and paid for everything else out of pocket. My grades qualified me for an online program to finish my senior year, so I can be a SAHM. That senior year might equal $6-7K after my scholarships and financial aid is applied.

Personally, a small loan (under 10K) seems fiscally more responsible than those crazy students who didn’t work for 4years at college, or those students who racked up >10K in loans. I can’t imagine anyone’s education was really worth what people are paying. I know people in my classes who owe 50K, 80K, even 100K. That’s ridiculous unless you are going to be a doctor or a lawyer.

Maybe I feel education shouldn’t cost so much because I was homeschooled. Personally, I haven’t “learned” anything from my academic experience, other than how to brown-nose teachers and how to miss 50% of my classes while still being in the top 5% of the class. I am rolling my eyes here. I can’t wait until I can take all online classes. I love independent study.

I think there are lots of different opinions about how much an education should cost, and I don’t think we should say that there is a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way. People go to school for all different reasons. I could have never gotten the education I have gotten for under $10K in loans–not in a million years. I didn’t come in with a vision of what I wanted to do with my life (what senior in high school really knows that, anyway?), and I’ve never planned of being either a doctor or a lawyer. Some sort of grad school is in the works for me, and I could never have gotten there without this expensive education I have been so blessed as to have my parents finance. Nor did I dream that I’d be getting married before I graduated. But here we are.

In terms of marriage, perhaps it’s just because I have many friends at this school who are marrying soon after graduation with mountains of debt (and more in the works, c/o law or medical school), but I don’t think that marrying debt-free is an essential pre-requisite for marriage. I’m not trying to minimize the importance of financial issues, but really often this is out of the couple’s control, and if they are otherwise stable, have communicated about the debt and set a clear budget for how to deal with it, I can’t imagine them waiting years to pay it off before marrying. That would put many of my friends a decade down the road…

Financial independence from parents, open communication about the debts being carried into marriage, stable income and frugality are what are necessary for a young marriage starting out. I think that’s all we can really say. God has a different plan for each of us.

 

[bookgirl32]

A very good point, too, bookgirl. I was just trying to show how the point of education is fulfillment, not utility. A fulfilled mommy is going to do her mommy job much better than one who thinks of her life at home as something vastly inferior to life outside of it, as some seem to suggest.

Plus, a PhD would sure give the kids of a homeschooling mommy a leg-up!

I already heard it in college: “English and Music, what are you going to do with those !” So I’m used to it.

Do you want to homeschool my child? .

 

[bookgirl32]

Even in the financial world, student loans are in no way considered bad debt. In fact, if they’re being consistenly paid off, they can help your credit score, just like a house loan!

 

[hasikelee]

I think there are lots of different opinions about how much an education should cost, and I don’t think we should say that there is a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way. People go to school for all different reasons. I could have never gotten the education I have gotten for under $10K in loans–not in a million years. I didn’t come in with a vision of what I wanted to do with my life (what senior in high school really knows that, anyway?), and I’ve never planned of being either a doctor or a lawyer. Some sort of grad school is in the works for me, and I could never have gotten there without this expensive education I have been so blessed as to have my parents finance. Nor did I dream that I’d be getting married before I graduated. But here we are.

In terms of marriage, perhaps it’s just because I have many friends at this school who are marrying soon after graduation with mountains of debt (and more in the works, c/o law or medical school), but I don’t think that marrying debt-free is an essential pre-requisite for marriage. I’m not trying to minimize the importance of financial issues, but really often this is out of the couple’s control, and if they are otherwise stable, have communicated about the debt and set a clear budget for how to deal with it, I can’t imagine them waiting years to pay it off before marrying. That would put many of my friends a decade down the road…

Financial independence from parents, open communication about the debts being carried into marriage, stable income and frugality are what are necessary for a young marriage starting out. I think that’s all we can really say. God has a different plan for each of us.

Oh, of course, Rach. I was just agreeing with the one poster. Each person will have their own idea of how much an education is worth. No doubt what kind, how long and why all lend a hand in this calculation.

For example, at one time I was willing to rack up almost $200K in student loans by going to med/law school. I was set to go except I couldn’t get a co-signor.

 

[CreatioNova]

We married late in life - we were both in our thirties - and we started our family even later.

The downside - potential age related risks to the unborn child - having the energy in the early years to cope with very energetic, demanding children.

The Upside - university education and post uni qualifications complete, financially secure, wild oats sown, travelled the world - and emotionally mature and balanced - all of which the children benefited from - we could devote everything to them and never had the feeling we were missing out on anything…

… worked for us, but I speak only for us

 

[Julianna]

I already heard it in college: “English and Music, what are you going to do with those !” So I’m used to it.

Do you want to homeschool my child? .

Your “English and Music” comment made me grin

Back in 79 when I was in college (ed major, prek and K), I had a good friend who was an English and Music major/minor. I had to ask the same question, “What are you going to do with those?”…her reply was, “Look for a husband”. It didn’t dawn on me until years later that her purpose for going to college was to find a husband, thinking that college educated man = $$ security. We have lost touch since those days and I often wondered if she found what she was looking for.

And yes, my DH paid off my last yr student loan and he was just an airman in the AF. Truth be told, I never finished. Yeah that was stupid on my part. However, I went to work and had both my children with me all day, all the time until my son went to Catholic School. When he went there, I got a job there. My DD, who was almost 4 at the time came with me, as I only worked part-time after school. It was the only way we could afford to buy a house in a neighborhood that wasn’t an armed camp.

IMHO I don’t think I could get a masters or PHD and just drop off the face of the earth once I had children. Catholic school is expensive and even though I worked there, I had to pay full price for both of my children. I also taught CCD for several years.

We were married 2 yrs before we had children. My first was at 25 and my 2nd at 27. Yes, if you plan your cycles you get the birthdate you want to…(or there near bout). (I could not take ABC, it messed with my mind, it had to go)

I would encourage all women to get themselves educated…but make sure it’s something you can “go back to” in a pinch.

Good Luck to all of you young women. You show exactly what it mean to be the “help mate” to your husbands. Keep up the good work.

MichaelSaint…my son is the same way. Only he wants to get out of college and work full time, before even considering looking for a wife. obla dee obla da…

 

[Michael_Saint]

By the way…good PhD and master’s programs won’t even end up costing a thing, with stipends and grants and such. The biggest issue is the hit in pay you take for the time you’re working on it, but at least in my field, you shouldn’t be taking out massive loans to pay things off.

Don’t mean to be a jerk or anything, but you people are none too knowledgeable about the expenses one accumulates in getting a degree at Franciscan University of Steubenville.

 

[Michael_Saint]

Ouch, that’s pretty harsh. So a responsible woman shouldn’t even date, or maybe not even go anywhere where she might meet “the one” if she has loans? Whatever. I think a lot of people would agree that paying off something like a student loan would be enough of a reason to postpone children, but that doesn’t mean one needs to postpone marriage. And my husband helped me pay my way through college before we were even married. But some guys are just gentlemen like that. And he enjoyed the fruits of my salary after I graduated!

I guess that’s the difference between you and me - I would want to enjoy the fruits of our union after marriage - a child, rather than my wife’s big fat paycheck.

And like one poster said earlier, if you’re not ready for kids, you ain’t ready for marriage. I think if you pressed the Pope about this, he would agree. As the chastity speakers say (Jason Evert, Carmen Marcoux, Mary Beth Bonacci), do not “date” (actually, they say do not “enter courtship” - a whole other thing), until you are at an “age” (maturity) and “stage” (finished school, beginning a career, etc.) in which you are ready.

But the “secular mentality” about dating, waiting, etc., has affected many in the Church - as I can see by reading some of these posts on this thread.

 

[Michael_Saint]

And who is to say that all that education isn’t FOR your children, therefore much needed education in the field of Stay At Home Momness!

How does a degree in biology or psychology or even education make one a better SAHM than one who does not have a degree. That’s a pretty harsh slam on SAHM’s without degrees (or anyone without a degree for that matter).

 

[Michael_Saint]

A very good point, too, bookgirl. I was just trying to show how the point of education is fulfillment, not utility

Seriously, how many women consider a degree a necessary stage to their “fulfillment”. Not many. SAHM wanna-be’s basically believe one thing will “fulfill” them - a husband and a bunch of kids. I know a pile of good Catholic girls who are in college, and I guarantee you that if Mr. Right came along and swept them off their feet, they’d drop their program like a hot potato. In fact, knew a girl who was heck-bent on getting a nursing degree, then this guy came along and she was talking about maybe not going through with it or dropping out if things got serious enough.

Let’s face it - even these career women want one thing - to be a wife and mother, despite what they might tell themselves and convince themselves of the contrary.

 

[Michael_Saint]

Some sort of grad school is in the works for me, and I could never have gotten there without this expensive education I have been so blessed as to have my parents finance.

You were “blessed” to have your parents fit the bill for everything? That didn’t teach you much responsibility, did it? More secular mentalities entering the Church - let’s just hand it to our kids on a silver platter. I wouldn’t marry a girl who had her parents give her everything under the sun either without having to earn it - she’d most probably be a spoiled brat. I ought to know - all kinds of girls like that in this society today.

 

[Michael_Saint]

In terms of marriage, perhaps it’s just because I have many friends at this school who are marrying soon after graduation with mountains of debt (and more in the works, c/o law or medical school), but I don’t think that marrying debt-free is an essential pre-requisite for marriage. I’m not trying to minimize the importance of financial issues, but really often this is out of the couple’s control, and if they are otherwise stable, have communicated about the debt and set a clear budget for how to deal with it, I can’t imagine them waiting years to pay it off before marrying. That would put many of my friends a decade down the road…

You’re all missing a point. If a woman racks up a big 'ole student loan before marriage, and then wants to go straight into a marriage because she “falls in love” and decides to keep throwing the coals in the fire of her heart, is she not demonstrating irresponsibility in life in general?

 

[Michael_Saint]

MichaelSaint…my son is the same way. Only he wants to get out of college and work full time, before even considering looking for a wife. obla dee obla da…

It takes extreme patience and will power, but I really think it’s best. I’m not looking either, and God has cooperated by not dropping a girl in my lap that has swept me off my feet.

Maybe I’m just too darn practical - I love my emotional life and the stirrings of my heart, but I know how dangerous it is to allow our hearts to run wild without keeping it in check with our heads and the good common sense it provides. Seen too many bad results. Charismatic renewal was a great blessing here in Canada, but it has had its drawbacks.

 

[bookgirl32]

How does a degree in biology or psychology or even education make one a better SAHM than one who does not have a degree. That’s a pretty harsh slam on SAHM’s without degrees (or anyone without a degree for that matter).

Well, first of all, I was just making an attempt at humor. Second of all, I never said it did.

 

[bookgirl32]

Don’t mean to be a jerk or anything, but you people are none too knowledgeable about the expenses one accumulates in getting a degree at Franciscan University of Steubenville.

Well, I know someone who did, degree in theology and counseling. I admittedly don’t know his personal financial situation, but he has two advanced degrees, one from Steubenville, he’s still in his lower to mid thirties, is married, and has three kids. He seems to be doing alright.

 

[bookgirl32]

I guess that’s the difference between you and me - I would want to enjoy the fruits of our union after marriage - a child, rather than my wife’s big fat paycheck.

And like one poster said earlier, if you’re not ready for kids, you ain’t ready for marriage. I think if you pressed the Pope about this, he would agree. As the chastity speakers say (Jason Evert, Carmen Marcoux, Mary Beth Bonacci), do not “date” (actually, they say do not “enter courtship” - a whole other thing), until you are at an “age” (maturity) and “stage” (finished school, beginning a career, etc.) in which you are ready.

But the “secular mentality” about dating, waiting, etc., has affected many in the Church - as I can see by reading some of these posts on this thread.

I didn’t realize you knew the Pope so personally.

 

[bookgirl32]

Seriously, how many women consider a degree a necessary stage to their “fulfillment”. Not many. SAHM wanna-be’s basically believe one thing will “fulfill” them - a husband and a bunch of kids. I know a pile of good Catholic girls who are in college, and I guarantee you that if Mr. Right came along and swept them off their feet, they’d drop their program like a hot potato. In fact, knew a girl who was heck-bent on getting a nursing degree, then this guy came along and she was talking about maybe not going through with it or dropping out if things got serious enough.

Let’s face it - even these career women want one thing - to be a wife and mother, despite what they might tell themselves and convince themselves of the contrary.

Hopefully those great people at Steubenville will rub off on you, you’re being seriously disrespectful right now.