Getting Married Young

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nodito

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Hi friends,

I’ve been concerned about something the last couple of weeks and I thought that I could use encouragement from a group of strong well-rounded pro-life Catholics such as yourselves.

I’m engaged to a wonderful, very hold Catholic man. We’re to be married this August and have been discussing plans for children. Because we differ in our understanding of just causes for NFP, he feels that we should not abstain at all until we have more serious reasons to do so, whereas I … well, I’m scared. I’m 23 with one more year of graduate school left and very little work experience. I feel torn between marrying the man I love now and wanting to be kid-free for a while longer. I worry that I won’t have any support from friends or family if I get pregnant right away, and that I’ll resent my children for keeping me at home when there’s still a lot outside of the home that I’d like to accomplish. On the other hand, both of us would like to have a large family and we feel that our children could benefit from having young, active parents.

I realize the decisions to marry or not marry or have children or not have children are highly personal ones and not to be made over the internet, and that is not my intention. Rather, I could really use stories of hope and encouragement from any of you that got married young or had children at a young age. Likewise, is there anything I should be considering that I haven’t thought of already? And finally, if I could be so bold as to ask for your prayers that we discern rightly God’s will for our lives, I would be very grateful.

God bless.
 
Hi friends,

I posted this on family life and the decided that you might also be a good resource.I’ve been concerned about something the last couple of weeks and I thought that I could use encouragement from a group of strong well-rounded pro-life Catholics such as yourselves.

I’m engaged to a wonderful, very hold Catholic man. We’re to be married this August and have been discussing plans for children. Because we differ in our understanding of just causes for NFP, he feels that we should not abstain at all until we have more serious reasons to do so, whereas I … well, I’m scared. I’m 23 with one more year of graduate school left and very little work experience. I feel torn between marrying the man I love now and wanting to be kid-free for a while longer. I worry that I won’t have any support from friends or family if I get pregnant right away, and that I’ll resent my children for keeping me at home when there’s still a lot outside of the home that I’d like to accomplish. On the other hand, both of us would like to have a large family and we feel that our children could benefit from having young, active parents.

I realize the decisions to marry or not marry or have children or not have children are highly personal ones and not to be made over the internet, and that is not my intention. Rather, I could really use stories of hope and encouragement from any of you that got married young or had children at a young age. Likewise, is there anything I should be considering that I haven’t thought of already? And finally, if I could be so bold as to ask for your prayers that we discern rightly God’s will for our lives, I would be very grateful.
 
We married young (I was 18, he was 20) and had our children young (dd1 the next year and dd2 2 years after her), while that may not work for everyone, I feel incredibly blessed in my marriage. I am grateful every day that I wake up next to my soul mate. Family is AWESOME!

I went to college during our marriage, and I went to work when the girls were young. I have been able to achieve my dreams both ‘out there’ and at home, but the most fulfilling ones have been at home.

He has been in the military for 17 years, so I understand the fear of having to do it on your own. In our experience it made our bond stronger, because we had only each other & God to depend on and isn’t that the way it is supposed to be anyway?

Over the years I have seen both on my side and his side of the family marriages/relationships fail. Hubby and I joke (not to them though, just each other) that we couldn’t run home to mommy when we had our fights early in our marriage-distance and finances prevented it-so we had to work things out and it benefited our relationship so very much. We are both very stubborn and that can actually be a good thing esp when you are bull headed about staying together forever in good and bad.

sending up prayers for discernment & blessings for your marriage
 
We’ve just celebrated our 10th anniversary. I was 22 when we married, and my husband was 21. When we got engaged, I was in my first semester of grad school, and he was a junior in college. We thought we wanted to wait a bit to start a family, but on our Engaged Encounter decided to leave it up to God. I quit graduate school after 1 semester, though he did finish college. Our first child was born a week before his graduation (during Finals!)

I don’t know how much help I’ll be but here’s my opinion. First, I think it probably would have been wiser to finish school before marriage. It is very hard to do both, and if you’re sure that marriage to this man is your vocation, that will still be true in a year. On the flip side, our kids are fantastic. We had difficulty conceiving after the first one, so we feel very blessed to have three living and two in heaven. Who knows how are family would have turned out if we were older when we started trying to have kids? We feel that God blessed us with a younger marriage and a young family because He knew of our fertility and health issues. Plus, we’ll still be young when our kids leave home and will have time for other pursuits at that time, God willing. He has a plan for you as a family, and personally, I think time spent together before the Blessed Sacrament is a great way to discern His will. It sounds like you are both listening for that. My prayers are with you both.
 
We married at 24 & 25–both in professional school. We waited for for 5 years–through graduation and several years of practice–before starting our family. I would not have done it any other way. It gave us the security of some maturity in our marriage (as well as fun + time alone together), financial stability, confidence and competence in our careers, the ability to purchase a house and ultimately the flexibility to allow me to stay home with our kids when we chose that as the more preferable way to raise them.

No matter what your specific time line, you should come to an agreement on fundamentals such as how important it is for both of you to complete your education before starting your family. This isn’t the sort of decision one of you makes and then imposes on the other. It is such a fundamental, life-altering decision that the ability to negotiate it honestly, respectfully and lovingly will reveal much about your compatibility to make major life decisions together. I would start to work on this sooner rather than later. Best wishes.
 
I got married when I was 24, my husband 28. The financial situation was difficult, there was no stability and a terrible unemployment. We both graduated from university with master degrees and knowledge of foreign languages just to realise that there was no job for us and a dramatic situation in our country. We had to leave… We had one child at that time. Was there any point of studying and waiting to get married and start a family when we were thrown away from our country anyway?
As for planning the pamily, I think that later may be too late…😦
 
My wife and I married very young. She had just turned 18, me, 22. We have been happily married now for nearly 19 years. 🙂

Times were hard in the beginning, and yes, we waited to have children, HOWEVER, neither of us regret any minute of it. It allowed us to grow together in ways we could have never imagined.

Now, 19 years later, we have a beautiful 5 year old daughter, and another on the way! Was waiting this long to have children a good idea? I don’t really know. What I do know is it allowed us to mature both personally, financially, and within our faith.

I would not change a single decision we made along those years, and I truly look forward to spending the rest of our lives together, growing, learning and raising our children.
 
I was married at 23 and a father about 20 months later. I think you really make a good point about waiting for a bit before starting a family- it’s great to be parents, but it’s great to just be a young married couple doing your stuff too! I don’t see a problem though, surely you can just practice NFP and use the safe period, accepting the possibility of a pregnancy as part of God’s plan and see what comes?
 
nodito said:
Hi friends,

I’ve been concerned about something the last couple of weeks and I thought that I could use encouragement from a group of strong well-rounded pro-life Catholics such as yourselves.

I’m engaged to a wonderful, very hold Catholic man. We’re to be married this August and have been discussing plans for children. Because we differ in our understanding of just causes for NFP, he feels that we should not abstain at all until we have more serious reasons to do so, whereas I … well, I’m scared. I’m 23 with one more year of graduate school left and very little work experience. I feel torn between marrying the man I love now and wanting to be kid-free for a while longer. I worry that I won’t have any support from friends or family if I get pregnant right away, and that I’ll resent my children for keeping me at home when there’s still a lot outside of the home that I’d like to accomplish. On the other hand, both of us would like to have a large family and we feel that our children could benefit from having young, active parents.

I realize the decisions to marry or not marry or have children or not have children are highly personal ones and not to be made over the internet, and that is not my intention. Rather, I could really use stories of hope and encouragement from any of you that got married young or had children at a young age. Likewise, is there anything I should be considering that I haven’t thought of already? And finally, if I could be so bold as to ask for your prayers that we discern rightly God’s will for our lives, I would be very grateful.

God bless.
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Getting married at 23 is not young, maybe in this day and age it is, but I do not see that as being young.

I do not think that you should say that you are not marrying this man, that you seem to be very much in love with, should not happen because of the timing of children. Trust me you will have them in God’s time, not yours.

You must remember that even with NFP or nothing at all, we, as Catholics are called to be open to life each and everytime that we engage in the marital embrace. We are called to that in our wedding vows, by saying “I do” when the priest asks if we will accept children lovingly from God. He does not say, “will you accpet children from God when you have established a career and have met every life goal that you have set out?”

Children are not an inconvenience. They are not something that is going to burden you or cramp your lifestyle. I understand where you are coming from here, but I have to say that you will never regret having a child. If you are career driven and want to be a part of the workforce, why would children stop that? Why would they keep you from doing that? To say that you are going to resent your children, to me, sounds like a case of simply being scared about being responsible for another life. To have that placed upon your shoulders may make you a bit nervous. No one is going to resent you or turn their back to you because you have children. If you have your children and your husband, what more do you need? Even if everyone (hypothetically) turned their backs on you once you were pregnant, you have each other. You have God, and when it all comes down to it, that is really all that matters.

Guess how many times we are told in the bible to “be not afraid?”

365 times!
 
CathMom96 said:
here’s my opinion. First, I think it probably would have been wiser to finish school before marriage. It is very hard to do both
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Yep that’s my feeling. Not saying it can’t be done, it can, but I wanted my education and my marriage/children to be separate, so I could devote myself to each one in their right time. I graduated last June and we’re getting married next month. People think we’re nuts because we’ve been together 6+ years and didn’t marry sooner or shack up. Good luck with your decision.
 
We got married when I was 22, DH was 32.
I was still in college when we got married (I had one semester remaining)… I stayed in the college town during the week and drove home for the weekends to be with my DH. It was tough, but only lasted 4 1/2 months, so not horrific.

Our first child came exactly 2 years later at age 24/34. We did use NFP for the first year (I wanted to get established at my job, and for other financial reasons… I married into some debt! :o )

We’ve actually stayed very active since having kids. For financial reasons, I’ve continued to work full time (I’m now pregnant with our 3rd child)… and I’ve been with my company for almost 7 years! We go on trips to see the country… the kids just come along! IMO, you can’t resent your children for choices that YOU have made… if you REALLY want to still live an active life, just bring the kids along! It CAN be done and is actually lots of fun!

That’s my story… good luck with yours and God bless you in your future marriage! 🙂
 
nodito said:
Hi friends,

I’ve been concerned about something the last couple of weeks and I thought that I could use encouragement from a group of strong well-rounded pro-life Catholics such as yourselves.

I’m engaged to a wonderful, very hold Catholic man. We’re to be married this August and have been discussing plans for children. Because we differ in our understanding of just causes for NFP, he feels that we should not abstain at all until we have more serious reasons to do so, whereas I … well, I’m scared. I’m 23 with one more year of graduate school left and very little work experience. I feel torn between marrying the man I love now and wanting to be kid-free for a while longer. I worry that I won’t have any support from friends or family if I get pregnant right away, and that I’ll resent my children for keeping me at home when there’s still a lot outside of the home that I’d like to accomplish. On the other hand, both of us would like to have a large family and we feel that our children could benefit from having young, active parents.

I realize the decisions to marry or not marry or have children or not have children are highly personal ones and not to be made over the internet, and that is not my intention. Rather, I could really use stories of hope and encouragement from any of you that got married young or had children at a young age. Likewise, is there anything I should be considering that I haven’t thought of already? And finally, if I could be so bold as to ask for your prayers that we discern rightly God’s will for our lives, I would be very grateful.

God bless.
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I got married at 23 and had my first child at just a month past 25. One of the hardest things for me was that none of my friends were even married at that age, let alone SAHM’s. And all the sahm’s I met up with were well into their 30’s. So I always felt a bit out of place. it was hard to have much in common (other than children) with women who were 10 or 15 years older than I was. I was happy to have my daughter and happy to be a sahm but I do feel like in many ways I missed out on a lot of things with my dh. I wish we had spent our 20’s getting to know each other, traveling, doing things that are hard to do once you have kids. Not that I resent having my daughter younger, at all. The benefit comes on this end when she’ll be out of the house and off to college in just a few years, and we’ll still be young enough to do those things that we want to do, and in many ways, we’re much wise as to what sort of things we want to do now too. But sometimes I think that had we not rushed everything, marriage, children, that we would have started off on a better foundation. I know when I had my second child at 32 that I had so much more support around me - friends with babies, other parents at school. The mom’s I know now are all in my age range and we’re all in similar places in life. Even the folks at church - we’re all on the same wavelength.

In the end, if you pray about it you’ll come to the right conclusion. 🙂
 
Mirror_Mirror said:
Getting married at 23 is not young, maybe in this day and age it is, but I do not see that as being young.

I do not think that you should say that you are not marrying this man, that you seem to be very much in love with, should not happen because of the timing of children. Trust me you will have them in God’s time, not yours.

You must remember that even with NFP or nothing at all, we, as Catholics are called to be open to life each and everytime that we engage in the marital embrace. We are called to that in our wedding vows, by saying “I do” when the priest asks if we will accept children lovingly from God. He does not say, “will you accpet children from God when you have established a career and have met every life goal that you have set out?”

Children are not an inconvenience. They are not something that is going to burden you or cramp your lifestyle. I understand where you are coming from here, but I have to say that you will never regret having a child. If you are career driven and want to be a part of the workforce, why would children stop that? Why would they keep you from doing that? To say that you are going to resent your children, to me, sounds like a case of simply being scared about being responsible for another life. To have that placed upon your shoulders may make you a bit nervous. No one is going to resent you or turn their back to you because you have children. If you have your children and your husband, what more do you need? Even if everyone (hypothetically) turned their backs on you once you were pregnant, you have each other. You have God, and when it all comes down to it, that is really all that matters.

Guess how many times we are told in the bible to “be not afraid?”

365 times!
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Great advice. 👍

MM, I knew we are told “be not afraid” many times, but I didn’t know it was that many times! 😃
 
nodito said:
Hi friends,

I posted this on family life and the decided that you might also be a good resource.I’ve been concerned about something the last couple of weeks and I thought that I could use encouragement from a group of strong well-rounded pro-life Catholics such as yourselves.

I’m engaged to a wonderful, very hold Catholic man. We’re to be married this August and have been discussing plans for children. Because we differ in our understanding of just causes for NFP, he feels that we should not abstain at all until we have more serious reasons to do so, whereas I … well, I’m scared. I’m 23 with one more year of graduate school left and very little work experience. I feel torn between marrying the man I love now and wanting to be kid-free for a while longer. I worry that I won’t have any support from friends or family if I get pregnant right away, and that I’ll resent my children for keeping me at home when there’s still a lot outside of the home that I’d like to accomplish. On the other hand, both of us would like to have a large family and we feel that our children could benefit from having young, active parents.

I realize the decisions to marry or not marry or have children or not have children are highly personal ones and not to be made over the internet, and that is not my intention. Rather, I could really use stories of hope and encouragement from any of you that got married young or had children at a young age. Likewise, is there anything I should be considering that I haven’t thought of already? And finally, if I could be so bold as to ask for your prayers that we discern rightly God’s will for our lives, I would be very grateful.
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My dh had our first the first yr we were married. I was 22 and in my last yr of undergrad. I then became a GA with a new little baby! I always felt bad for women who waited to have children and then were forced to choose between staying home with their kids and the career they worked so hard to earn. Look at all the stories of women trying to choose.

My dh and I never had to adjust our married life much either. We opened our hearts and home to a child so early in the marriage, that we never experienced what my sil did. She waited (using NFP) until they had the right sized home, etc but I’ve really watched her struggle with missing “her freedom.”

As far as friends as support. That part was difficult. Its hard being the married couple with a child in college. We ended up hanging out with a completely different crowd by the end of our college days. It was a mutual decision, really. Our old friends life style were not the same as ours. The benefit of a baby though, is you get to meet other parents of babies by the virtue of the places you tend to visit with babies (library, parks, play dates, church groups, etc)

I view my degree as good insurance. I’m glad I put the effort forward so I could have something to “fall back on.” But I would never trade my experience for the world! Talk with your fiancee a bit more about the issue. Your fears are very reasonable, but I’m sure with prayer, you will be able to come to an agreement. Kids at a “young” age and early in a marriage is very do-able!!
 
Mary, thank you! Your words are of such comfort to me.

God bless.
 
I married at 21 with one semester of undergrad left. I had no intentions of going to grad school once I became engaged; I have always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. My DH and I married in May 03, were pregnant by July 03, and I had our first son one month before I graduated. He was born in April 04 and I walked in May.

It was hard at first for the same reasons the PP listed. I was the only married and pregnant one amongst my friends at school. I went to school in the US while my husband was back in Canada (it was only one semester!) After I moved back to Canada in December, I had little contact with my old friends. They were all busy at school and they were all single. Now they are all gradutated and married with babies and we’re right back to being best friends again, even though we’re spread out all over the US and Canada.

Having our children was the best thing we have ever done. We had another son 2 years after the first and are expecting our third in a few weeks, 2 years after the second (all spaced with breastfeeding and NFP). I am 26 and DH is 33. The joy that my children have brought me could NEVER compare to anything that I would have done out of the home. If I had tried to work I would have always been longing for the day I could quit and have a baby.

We made lots of sacrifices to be open to life from the beginning of our marriage- including living with my in-laws for three years (not that I recommend this!) Now we own our own home (which we built), 2 cars, and anything we would ever need. I really think this is because we trusted God and let Him lead our family from the moment we married.

I cannot stress enough how strongly I feel that if you are not ready for kids, you are not ready for marriage. What happens if you “accidentally” get pregnant right away and nevr get to do those things you want to do? Will you resent your baby for taking away your dreams and freedoms? If you have things that you will not be satisfied leaving undone, don’t marry until you are satisified they are finished. Or start praying that God changes your heart’s desires.

Good luck and God bless!
 
I married at 21, right out of college. We used NFP to avoid pregnancy for the first 8 months or so, and then were able to switch the rules around and conceived on our first try! 🙂 I quit my job (nurse) when I was about 5-6 months pregnant, as soon as my husband graduated from college and found a job. I also sprained my hip on the last day of work, so it was good timing :cool: I had my first baby at the age of 22 and my second at the age of 25.

We used NFP in the beginning because we felt strongly that we wanted for me to be able to stay home with our future children. Because my husband was working on two college degrees, he didn’t have the time and energy to get a full-time job to support us until he graduated. We conceived several months before his graduation, knowing that it would still give him a decent time frame in which to find a job before baby was born.

You have one more year before you graduate? Are you planning on staying home with your future babies? If so, being a student will interfere with that. But on the other hand, you are only marrying in August. Are you graduating in May? You could use NFP for just a few months to avoid, and conceive a few months before graduation. As for the work experience, if you are hoping to have a large family and stay home, you will be out of the workforce for many years to come. Is one year now really going to make a difference in the job hunt twenty years from now? These are all things that you need to weigh and consider carefully.

One final thought is that fertility is not a given. If you avoid pregnancy for the next couple of years, there is the possibility you will be faced with infertility. This may be your best shot at getting pregnant. Our fertility decreases with age in most cases. There have been many couples who have avoided a pregnancy for their first few years, only to discover infertility problems when they do try to conceive. Pray for guidance! 🙂
 
My DH and I married when he was 23 and I was 22. We both were fresh out of college and beginning new jobs. We actually had thought that we’d be practicing NFP to postpone having children because we felt we would be financially unable to raise a family well. However, once it got close to the wedding/honeymoon, we decided to just wing it the first month and then start abstaining after that, not ever thinking we’d actually conceive the first try. We also felt that we needed to trust God more regarding our finances and that He’d take care of us :).

Lo and behold, we conceived right away and all of a sudden were in a position we had not expected to be in. Before we knew for sure, I was scared - I had just started a job and had a plan for the next couple of years. How were we going to make it? (I made more than DH at the time…) But once we tested and found out that we were indeed pregnant, we were both beyond ecstatic! Now, we have a one year old little boy. I had always been kind of unsure of where God really wanted me. I wasn’t happy with my job, although it made really good money, and was thinking about looking for something else to do or at least find a job that was in my field but not doing the same thing (I’m an accountant). DH is a teacher and LOVES teaching. I had other friends tell me how wonderful it was to find something they loved doing for a living. When I had Matthew, that’s what happened. I knew this was where God was calling me. Being a wife and mother has been my joy and I feel like I’m following God’s calling.

It’s a lot harder to figure this out when you don’t have that beautiful child (children) in front of you. Something happens the moment you hold your baby in your arms for the first time. You’re never the same :D.
 
Hi Nodito…

I was married older 28 and had DS at 31…

I just wanted to give you a resource…if you know Father Corapi (on EWTN) you know he’s an awesome speaker and a great catechist. DH and I have a CD on marriage and Humanae Vitae by Father Corapi. He gives a really great understanding of it.

You can go to his website and see if he still has it www.fathercorapi.com

I couldn’t recommend it enough.
 
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