Getting my husband to respect mass and the Eucharist?

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Hi all, I’m pretty much at my wits end with my husband who has very little to zero respect for the Eucharist, mass, or the Catholic Church in general. I am in the process of converting, and have been attending mass for several years (off and on). While he supports my conversion and is in the process of getting an annulment so I can join, and is supportive of raising our kids in the church…he has so little respect I am embarrassed to take him to mass.

He rarely goes, but I keep trying to encourage him to go, and for us to go as a family. He always threatens to go up and get a “cracker”, sayings he’s hungry, going to get one for my daughters (two and four), etc. I know he does this to aggravate me, so I try not to over-react but its hard, since it really means a lot to me. I thought by sort of brushing it off and quickly explaining the seriousness of the matter but not giving him too much attention that he might quit, but he still does it and more.

I’ve explained the sacraments and what they mean to Catholics so many times and so many different ways I just don’t know what to say anymore.

Just today he complained loudly that I wouldn’t bring my daughter snacks into the church and that I asked him not to chew gum and wear his hat during mass.

Sometimes I feel like he is just doing this to make me not want to invite him to mass…but I really hope and pray that he will experience a true conversion…so I want him to go, but it really embarrasses me when he makes ignorant remarks in church even after I have explained things so many times.

Frustrated, need advice and prayer.
 
It is unfortunate that your husband acts so immature. I suspect that this is not a new dynamic. Stop asking him to come to Mass with you. (Actually, you should stop nagging him about anything.) Tell him that he should only come if he really wants to.

If he sees you and your children displaying a Christian joy before and after Mass he may want to join the Church. Pray for him morning and night. You cannot nag or guilt trip anyone into becoming a Christian. Don’t try.
 
PaulfromIowa said:
It is unfortunate that your husband acts so immature. I suspect that this is not a new dynamic. Stop asking him to come to Mass with you. (Actually, you should stop nagging him about anything.) Tell him that he should only come if he really wants to.

If he sees you and your children displaying a Christian joy before and after Mass he may want to join the Church. Pray for him morning and night. You cannot nag or guilt trip anyone into becoming a Christian. Don’t try.
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Thanks, I get what you are saying…,but I don’t nag him to go, just ask him if he is going with me each week. Sometimes he offers to go as a favor to me, on a special occasion, or in exchange for something…“I’ll go to mass with you if you help me with this chore” etc. But I suppose I should just say no thank you unless he wants to go for the right reasons. It’s hard to give up hope that he might be moved to convert by going to mass.
 
Have you heard “preach the Gospel always, use words when necessary” (or something along those lines)?

Sounds like your husband is taking a childish approach to things expecting a reaction from you. I am sure he knows better than to wear a hat at a solemn place.

How about you switch things around? Thank him for going to Mass with you and happily express how much that meant to you. Initially, he might try to do more shocking things to get your attention but (as it happens with a child) if you ignore them, they will go away.

Keep an upbeat attitude when he goes to Mass with you, even if you later have to go and vent out either by yourself or with a trusted friend/adviser.

As far as the Eucharist, if he “threatens” to get it as a “snack” for your children, tell him he can try, but you will have to report it to the priest. I think he won’t do it, he is just trying to get a reaction from you, but even if he does, keep your word and have a priest talk to him, so he comes to respect the Real Presence even if he does not believe in it.

This may just be a trial for him. Help him out.
 
Well, he either thinks he’s funny, likes to poke at you, or both. Just ignore it, and don’t give him a reaction. He knows what Catholics believes, you have explained it, I highly doubt he’s forgetting.

If he wants to look “bad” at mass, let him. Let him know you are simply happy he is there (ven if he’s trying to get a rise out of yo).u
 
He may be uneasy about what he’s agreeing to, because he’s giving you mixed signals with pursuing the decree of nullity (a big thing, there) and yet behaving in a flippant manner when actually at church. I think it would be a good idea to open up a conversation about what your conversion and raising your children in the Church is and is not going to mean to him.

I’m married to a baptized non-Catholic. You can tell your husband this:
It does not mean he has to become Catholic. Ever.
It does not mean you think he’ll go to hell if he doesn’t. As long as he is open to what is true and acts according to what he knows to be true, that is enough.
It does not mean that he has to go to Mass, although in justice God does deserve worship and those who believe in God ought not evade that. That doesn’t mean you’re going to try to force him to worship, however.
It does not mean that he is going to “lose his children” or “lose his wife”. Most parishes are full of families with one spouse who is not Catholic.
It does not mean he cannot ask questions, even very basic questions.

It does mean that he has to show respect in at least these minimal ways:
He needs to behave in the awareness that even* if* Mass means nothing to him, it is profoundly sacred to the people around him. He needs to refrain from chatting during Mass, and must take a posture that isn’t opposed to what everyone else is doing. (He is allowed to remain seated when others around him kneel, although it is particularly polite to just do what everyone else does.)
He must not refer to the source and the summit of the Christian life, the presence of Jesus Christ par excellence, as “the cracker”, nor treat any of the other sacraments or liturgies in a similarly flippant way.
He may not have food or beverages in the church. It’s not that long.
He needs to take his hat off and turn off his electronics while in church.
He needs to address the clergy by their proper titles: Father, Deacon, Monsignor, etc.
He needs to teach your children the same, without complaint.

You need to make it clear that although you are pleased to have him come with you, it does not count as “going to Mass” when you are in the building but not acting according to the protocol for visiting non-Catholics. It would be a good idea, though, to express appreciation for the support he gives and to acknowledge that many non-Catholics find the Church intimidating, like an exam they’re being given when they haven’t been to the class. Mass doesn’t always seem “user friendly” to visitors, and so it is understandable that some are uneasy about going. You can do your best to make it easier for him, but it is natural to be unsure how to handle the conversion of a spouse to a different religion. That is a big deal, and requires lots of patience on both sides.

Lots of patience on both sides, lots of communication, and lots of generosity of heart. That’s what it takes.
 
I want to say Welcome Home! and welcome to Catholic Answers!

I would just take a deep breath, and hand him over to God in prayer.
He knows about Mass on Sunday. Stop inviting him. Let it go. Be as gracious as possible, tell him how much you appreciate that he has come with you and let him know you don’t wish to twist his arm any more. He’s welcome any time and you’d be happy to have him come along, but for now, he’s free to do as he likes while you are away Sunday morning.

Because you are in a place in your life that you want to go, it sure seems like he isn’t. Respect that, and maybe the hostility will die down.

Focus on making Mass and time with mom a special time for the kids. It’s better he’s not there mocking the faith anyway. I’m sure they can sense his hostility and he’s working against you on this. How can they learn that Mass is a good thing when everything hubby is doing is saying “this is stupid”. Let the kids learn and soak in the good stuff in peace, with you hugging them and giving them a kisses.
 
Honour said:
Hi all, I’m pretty much at my wits end with my husband who has very little to zero respect for the Eucharist, mass, or the Catholic Church in general. I am in the process of converting, and have been attending mass for several years (off and on). While he supports my conversion and is in the process of getting an annulment so I can join, and is supportive of raising our kids in the church…he has so little respect I am embarrassed to take him to mass.

He rarely goes, but I keep trying to encourage him to go, and for us to go as a family. He always threatens to go up and get a “cracker”, sayings he’s hungry, going to get one for my daughters (two and four), etc. I know he does this to aggravate me, so I try not to over-react but its hard, since it really means a lot to me. I thought by sort of brushing it off and quickly explaining the seriousness of the matter but not giving him too much attention that he might quit, but he still does it and more.

I’ve explained the sacraments and what they mean to Catholics so many times and so many different ways I just don’t know what to say anymore.

Just today he complained loudly that I wouldn’t bring my daughter snacks into the church and that I asked him not to chew gum and wear his hat during mass.

Sometimes I feel like he is just doing this to make me not want to invite him to mass…but I really hope and pray that he will experience a true conversion…so I want him to go, but it really embarrasses me when he makes ignorant remarks in church even after I have explained things so many times.

Frustrated, need advice and prayer.
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My dear, you have my deepest sympathy for your situation. You will be in my prayers

The advice that others have given you is more Christian and Catholic that I could ever give you. Reading about his behavior makes me embarrassed to be a male and IMO, calling him immature (as one responder did) is an insult to other immature people. It infuriates me that he just has no plain respect for you and your choices… and sorry, saying he supports the raising of your children in the children, getting an annulment is just lip service, and doesn’t give him a pass!

My grandmother, if she was alive to read your post, would say the simplest solution to dealing with someone like this is “one good whack with a cast-iron frying pan”.
 
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I encountered this problem when married for 18 years and wished I had put my foot down on this issue, given that most often “a Family who prays together, attends Mass and Reconciliation each week, stays together”.

Such simple seemingly easy things to do for Jesus who died on His Cross for us, in order for Him to flow His Divine Love and Mercy through us!

Perhaps you could offer an incentive with a Lunch out afterwards every 2nd Sunday or after Mass on a Saturday evening? Or a Roast Dinner afterwards cooked by yourself or a BBQ with friends over afterwards? Some type of incentive perhaps without saying anything more!
 
coachdennis said:
My grandmother, if she was alive to read your post, would say the simplest solution to dealing with someone like this is “one good whack with a cast-iron frying pan”.
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I’m with Granny! :rotfl::rotfl::blackeye:
 
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