Getting Out of a Abusive Relationship

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Lisa,

You don’t just need to leave for your sake. You need to leave for his as well. The trouble is that you need to recognize your own moral agency. You are not responsible for his behavior toward you. You can’t stand in front of him and try to convince, argue, cry, or coerce him to stop him from treating you like this. Every time you try to control his actions to you this way, you give him an opportunity to abuse you and actually enable the abuse.

If you care for him, you want to ensure you’re not enabling his vice. Sometimes we need to leave–the room, the house, the relationship. We have to recognize that people have no right to cross these boundaries. We have to say “I will not be around people like this if they treat me like this.”

If you need help, I recommend finding a good therapist to help you work through your insecurities and to find happiness. Therapy definitely helped me.

God bless,

Angela
 
You need to leave now, before you form deeper ties or obligations to him. He is unfit to be in a relationship.

I would communicate confidentially with family and formulate a safety plan with a victim counselling service, because there is a risk of your leaving him triggering a spike in his aggressions. Above all else, protect your safety and put yourself first.

I’m so proud of you for recognizing the abuse and naming it. That’s excellent awareness. Don’t feel bad for having stayed because of a sense of love. These abusive behaviours are insidious. Focus on your future without him, because that’s where happiness and true security lies. And, if a man worthy of your love comes along, you’ll be better equipped to judge his suitability for you.

Resources for you on safety planning-


 
Thank you so much for all your kind and supporting words. I think the reason why I am struggling to leave, is that in the past I have broken up with him and he starts hurting me saying things like “I wasted his time” “why I lead him on” “I gave you everything, and you did not” blah blah. The thing is, when he says this things, he says it injecting venom and negativity in a way some way penetrates my soul, and I end up feeling guilty and apologizing because is all my fault. The best thing I can do is just go no contact, because I can’t have a conversation with him. What is the best way I can leave the relationship without engaging in a conversation which he ends up manipulating me in staying.

Thanks!
 
Friend, there are 7 billion people on this planet (so far). It is not your fault that he cannot connect peaceably with anyone else except you (and then only when you do his bidding).

Oldie but goodie: an article that explains that there is more than one type of abusive relationship. Part of getting free of him is recognizing which type of troublemaker is bothering you.

Oh, and by the way, Jesus is the one who gave you everything. Normally I would say it is unfair to ask a man to measure up to the level of Christ, because no man can. But you can tell when a man has nothing in common with Him.

On practical matters … if he helped you move, he might have copied your door keys. Change the locks.

“There’s a whole planet out there where he ain’t.” You don’t have to be in his life.
 
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Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers! Keep praying for
me so I can heal and moved on from this abusive relationship.
 
Lisagirl said:
What is the best way I can leave the relationship without engaging in a conversation which he ends up manipulating me in staying.
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I would do a few things to prepare, first. As mentioned above, change your locks. Make absolutely sure he has no access to anything financial – bank accounts, credit cards, etc. Create a new email address, with a different password, and change any online accounts you have to the new email; then you can dump the old one as soon as you go no contact. Your family will need to know not to respond to any contacts from him. If possible, let someone at your job know, in case he calls there.
 
I’m not trying to be unkind, but stop caring what he thinks about anything. Easier said than done, I know, but he doesn’t get to hurt you anymore with his stupid words because you’ve broken the spell. That’s just another manipulative trick by a sociopath to get you to do what he wants. Don’t apologize, just leave. Go no contact, document any contact you have with him, and, if necessary, get a restraining order if he threatens/gets abusive.

This is the rare thread here where everyone is in agreement. That’s how you know it’s 100% the right choice to leave ASAP.
 
Change your email, block him on Social Media, change your phone number. Walk away. No more contact. Pray that God will heal him. Don’t look back.
 
All the advice you’ve received is spot on.

If you haven’t left already, I wouldn’t announce the day you’re leaving, if you live together, or share that information on any traceable platform. (Pardon me if you’ve already left and I missed that.)

At a minimum, before you break up, I’d recommend you:
  • Change your locks and ensure he has no key
  • Secure all financial info (change accounts, credit card numbers, you can even change your social security number later if you need)
  • Change your phone number
  • Change ALL electronic passwords, both in digital accounts and on devices
  • Delete any accounts in shared computers
  • Block him on social media
If you have any concern about physical safety at all, you might also consider (perhaps with the advice of a victim counselling service with the police, or a psychologist or social worker):
  • Moving and keeping your address unlisted
  • Buying a new vehicle (if you have one)
  • Alerting your employer to your situation, and providing a photo of him for security/colleagues to keep an eye out for at the office
  • If he knows your usual routes, using different ones, or randomizing them and/or the times you travel (perhaps coordinating with work on variable start/stop times)
  • Installing a security system
  • Advising your neighbours of your situation, and provide a photo as with your employer ala neighbourhood watch
  • Agreeing to text a friend or family member of your whereabouts at regular intervals (e.g arriving to/departing from work, refujarcactuvitues, etc). This might be overkill and could be discontinued if/when you are reasonably sure it’s no longer needed.
  • Having a colleague escort you to/from your car or transit
Some of the advice may be excessive, but I offer it so you know these measures exist if you feel in any way physically unsafe.

Also, you can alert your local police department in advance, which would assist you later if you (unfortunately) require a restraining order or police assistance with a move, intervention for domestic violence, etc.

Many many blessings and much love to you, dear friend! 💕💕
 
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@Lisagirl, I would do some reading on the psychology of abuse as well. There’s a specific sort of effect that makes abusive relationships addictive (and that’s not a good thing). It keeps you too busy dealing with the abuse and trying to get back a bit of normality to take the jump to get out, and your brain starts to readjust to keeping you safe in the situation.
 
Yup. It’s often very hard for an abuse victim to leave the relationship.
  1. The abuser often controls money, so the victim doesn’t have the resources to leave.
  2. The victim’s self-esteem is often very poor and they may feel that they are at fault.
  3. The abuser often isolates the victim so they don’t have much support.
  4. The abuser may threaten harm, suicide, or homicide if the victim tries to leave (and it’s often NOT an empty threat - especially homicide threats).
  5. The abuser may threaten to harm children or pets. In many jurisdictions the victim can’t take their children without potentially being accused of kidnapping, and many abuse shelters won’t take pets.
  6. An abusive relationship is never “all bad”. Usually there’s a cycle. Everything is quiet, tension builds, an abusive incident occurs, and the abuser is extremely apologetic and promises never to do it again. Everything is quiet until the next time tension builds. Sadly, victims often believe they can “change” the abuser, that there is some magic formula where if they just do or don’t do something, the abuse will stop. The reality is that no magic formula exists.
 
There was a study on rats. If you give a rat a lever to press, and it always dispenses a pellet, the rat presses the lever when hungry. If you give the rat a lever that does nothing, the rat gets bored. But if the lever dispenses a pellet at random times, the rat will keep pressing and pressing and pressing.

There’s a theory that abuse is similar. We all have emotional needs. The abuser tries to shut down our outside sources, and then gives us just enough of a dribble of good times to keep us trying for more, essentially hacking into our brain’s reward system to keep us working for the bits of decent treatment they choose to give (instead of dumping their sorry behinds and seeking out healthy relationships where we don’t have to do that).
 
You are in a classic abusive relationship. He’s a controller, and you need to get away…now!

Please, don’t make the mistake of trying to reason with him, or giving him ‘one more chance’. He’s not going to change. If there’s truly no place to go, try and move back with your family. He’s working on eroding your self-esteem, and that’s never good for you.
 
I want to thank everyone for your support and kind words! I am planning to leave him Thursday afternoon. I don’t live with him, I rent my own room 20 minutes away from him, he does not know where I live because I just got the place .The good thing where I rent the owner has security cameras and 2 other girls live there too so Im not alone. But he wants me to be with him non-stop. When I don’t he is very passive aggressive. I agree, this relationship feels like an addiction and I feel like going on withdrawal when I leave.
I never though in my life I was going to end up in a relationship like this. Before meeting this person, I had a big social life, I would go out and do things with friends and family. Slowly he has taken away because it was competing with him. My sisters tell that I am depressed and not cheery and happy as I used to. Ideally I want to move back home, I been interviewing and applying to jobs, but it is so competitive and hard to find a job in my area.
I was wondering if I will be able to be myself again, I just feel I lost myself in this relationship. I feel he used gaslighting on me to make me feel is my fault and he is the victim.
 
Lisagirl said:
I am planning to leave him Thursday afternoon.
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Good for you! Well done. This is the first step towards you being happy and free again.
Lisagirl said:
I was wondering if I will be able to be myself again, I just feel I lost myself in this relationship. I feel he used gaslighting on me to make me feel is my fault and he is the victim.
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You will. Give yourself some time, and know it will probably hurt, but not as much as being with him for the rest of your life would.

I suggest you see a counselor and get them to talk you through your feelings of addiction to him. Make sure you have supportive people around you that will be there to talk to you when you feel low. If you think you are depressed, see a doctor and get some help for it.

You’re doing the right thing. Don’t doubt yourself.
 
Gaslight ing is,unfornately not often in own to these types of persons. But, I’m a little worried about you leaving us place for yours, as controllers often follow their victims! Try and break up in a public place, if possible.

Remember , you owe him nothing. He’s going to be on his most needy behavior. He will most likely try to force you to stay, turn on the charm, then work on destroying any self esteem you have left! Don’t be taken in.
You are doing a very difficult thing, but jus remember what you’ve been through. Well all be praying for you!
 
Thank you so much! I think I am just going to block him and have no contact. He is the type of person I can’t
have a conversation with because he twists things and I end up apologizing. I don’t think he will follow me
or beg me to come back. He is very prideful person, he is going to wait for me to come back and beg him to take me back. But that is not going to happen. He is not talking to his mom, he is waiting for her to reach out to him. If he is doing this to his mom, let alone me as well. It just shows he is the one with the problem and not me.
Thank you everyone for your prayers!
 
In the meantime, I’d look up a website called out of the fog. It’ll have some descriptions of this sort of behavior. It can help to read other people writing about it and explaining how things go.
 
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