Getting out of the Friend-zone w/o sinning

[DarkLight]

I’m not sure. I haven’t looked. There is a swing dancing group about 45 minutes away that I’m considering going to. I guess the hardest thing for me is being in a really loud and crowded room and working up the courage to ask a girl to dance when I have no idea to dance to begin with and it’s up to the man to lead

But I guess drama could also be an option. The biggest worry I have, though, is that there won’t be enough Catholic women there. I only want to date Catholic women.

That wasn’t the point of drama classes. The point of drama classes is that a bit of acting skills can go a long way towards knowing how to present yourself. A bit of fake it til you make it.

 

[Engineer4God]

That wasn’t the point of drama classes. The point of drama classes is that a bit of acting skills can go a long way towards knowing how to present yourself. A bit of fake it til you make it.

Hmmm… Interesting. I may be willing to try it but I’d have to find a place first. I was also considering ballroom dancing. Do you have any idea what the price range of acting classes are?

 

[Xantippe]

First, my apologies but I never thought kissing was forbidden. Now, when it leads to other things, sure.

DH and I were our first serious relationship. **But it started totally platonic by playing on the company softball team. There were others that helped us “break the ice.” We found out we both loved golf, so we did that together…as friends. After several months, we enjoyed being with each other and started to date. **The rest is history. Doing group stuff was the best remedy for us. Many young people go to Theology on Tap talks or the like. Some go to game watches with their alumni club. Good luck! And yes, my DH respected me and himself with wanting to be chaste, although we did kiss.

That’s adorable!

 

[Patavium]

Hello everyone

I’m a 25 year old Catholic engineer and I feel called to marriage but have never been in a serious relationship or even on a real first date for that matter. I read a book called “How to Get out of the Friend-Zone” and it was amazingly accurate to my situation of being seen only as a friend by the women I want to date. This book, although very helpful, contains several references that go against Catholic teaching. Most immorality in the book, thankfully, can be overlooked and the main take-away points and advice can be safely applied. The main thing I see as a problem, however, is the part about needing to get physical and actually work up the courage to kiss a girl. The book suggests that one of the main reasons for being stuck in the friend-zone is due to not kissing or being physical so I’m supposed to change that to leave the friend-zone. I can definitely see truth in that but I know passionate kissing as well as some other forms of physical affection outside marriage are gravely sinful and I’ve never kissed anyone my whole life. I want to save my first kiss for marriage but I also want to get out of the friend-zone. It’s a catch-22. Does anyone have any idea how I can have my cake and eat it too

Thank you for reading and God bless

I think the physical affection can be modified as hand holding. You can make the move by holding her hand. That should send the right message without compromising Catholic morality.

 

[Engineer4God]

Let go of your expectations and hopes. If you are desperate others can sense that in you. Just think of it as getting to know others, instead of getting a wife. Take things one step at a time and let the relationship develop naturally. You’re too young to give up, but if you ooze impatience or push things too quickly the ladies will flee from you. A woman wants a man to be sure of himself but not pushy, or nervous. Either makes women feel uncomfortable.

I didn’t originally think I was desperate but maybe I need to admit that I am. I just read this article about what appears desperate:
nicknotas.com/blog/10-mistakes-that-make-you-look-desperate/

Unfortunately it seems I’ve fallen into most if not all of these pitfalls :imsorry:
That balance of not being pushy or nervous seems like an impossibly narrow eye of the needle to walk through. I just don’t know how to overcome it. I wish there was some personal coaching I could get for an affordable price.

 

[Irishmom2]

I didn’t originally think I was desperate but maybe I need to admit that I am. I just read this article about what appears desperate:
nicknotas.com/blog/10-mistakes-that-make-you-look-desperate/

Unfortunately it seems I’ve fallen into most if not all of these pitfalls :imsorry:
That balance of not being pushy or nervous seems like an impossibly narrow eye of the needle to walk through. I just don’t know how to overcome it. I wish there was some personal coaching I could get for an affordable price.

Interesting link. Very true!

You know, I found it interesting that you said girls were interested in you, but you weren’t attracted to them. What was that based on? Sometimes, like yourself with other women, (you probably felt you weren’t being given a chance) you may be rejecting them without giving them a chance. Maybe they aren’t exactly your type looks wise…but you never know, they could be really compatible.

In my opinion, being blunt and telling a girl you are attracted to them, is sometimes a turn off. You have to let them know you are interested by your actions, your attention, and your conversation without coming right out and saying it.

Instead of “I am attracted to you,” tell her you enjoy talking to her, or that you had a nice time(on a date) or that you are looking forward to getting together again. She will get the message without you being blunt.

I agree that hand holding and a kiss on the lips are not off limits. I know people do it, but saving a kiss for marriage is just a little too far out there.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

Some of that stuff about texting isnt bad advice but be careful with those websites. There are some differences between the sexes but women are people and those websites don’t seem to regard us as people.

My husband was shy, no confidence, awkward you name it and we were friends for a while before getting together, we got together because a. He plucked up the courage to confess how he felt but more importantly b. I liked him back. You need b. There is no strategy or trick to getting someone to be attracted to you. Its important to be a decent person, respectful, hard working etc but attraction and chemistry are subtle strange things and there often isnt much logic.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Hmmm…interesting. I never thought of it like that before. That seems to make sense. The other hard part is simply meeting the right women in the first place. It seems most of the women I’d want to date are already taken. I’ve also been on 13 different online dating sites over the course of six years searching for the right woman, but none of the women I tried contacting replied. Other women messaged me first and we’ve talked but I haven’t felt attracted to any of them. I’ve gone to several church events as well. I just feel like I’m running out of ideas and options. I’ve prayed like crazy but it appears God wants me to keep waiting and be patient.

You have been on 13 different dating sites over 6 years and you have not gotten one date??? Do you live in a extremely rural area and are unable to travel? I have been on a few different dating sites over the last 4 years (Off and on, maybe about 3 years of that time was active. If none of the women you have contacted have replied back and you are not attracted to any of the women who contact you maybe you are being too picky. I am not the best at attracting women from dating sites. I am a rugged looking construction worker with no college education (Although I actually make pretty good money I am sure most women assume I do not when they read that I have no college education) but even I can land 2 or 3 dates a year. I know one guy who has gotten 4 or 5 girlfriends from dating sites and he is a dorky looking guy. It is doable.

I have tried unsuccessfully many times to break out of “friendzone” unless you are super good looking it is not a easy thing to do. I recommend just moving on. When a woman tell you that you are awkward and she does not want to even give you a chance because of it, just move on.

 

[Engineer4God]

You have been on 13 different dating sites over 6 years and you have not gotten one date??? Do you live in a extremely rural area and are unable to travel? I have been on a few different dating sites over the last 4 years (Off and on, maybe about 3 years of that time was active. If none of the women you have contacted have replied back and you are not attracted to any of the women who contact you maybe you are being too picky. I am not the best at attracting women from dating sites. I am a rugged looking construction worker with no college education (Although I actually make pretty good money I am sure most women assume I do not when they read that I have no college education) but even I can land 2 or 3 dates a year. I know one guy who has gotten 4 or 5 girlfriends from dating sites and he is a dorky looking guy. It is doable.

I have tried unsuccessfully many times to break out of “friendzone” unless you are super good looking it is not a easy thing to do. I recommend just moving on. When a woman tell you that you are awkward and she does not want to even give you a chance because of it, just move on.

Ok, I guess I better clarify my situation better. I am not in a rural area. I live in a suburb of Detroit, MI and I work in Detroit as an engineer and make good money. I’m willing to drive as long as it’s not more than a couple hours away. I also think I’m pretty good looking. I have several interesting hobbies and I’m serious about my Catholic faith. I actually HAVE tried giving some of those women a chance although I’m 5’ 4" and skinny but most of those women were bigger or overweight and one had bipolar. I really need a woman who is shorter and smaller, like me (and I’m not ashamed of my height either). In all of those cases, however, it was her- not I- that ended the conversation. And 3 times I’ve had a woman tell me she felt more called to the religious life. I’m so frustrated because I think everything would be in my favor overwhelmingly but it’s not for some unknown reason and I don’t know why

 

[Crusaderbear]

When you meet the right person, you only need to get out of thexfriend zone ONCE! Good luck with your search!

 

[pianistclare]

The whole purpose of dating is to get to know someone. So naturally the women you date you will not know about to some extent.

Being blunt, or better forthright, is the best thing you can do to improve your dating experience. You may not be the best looking or coolest guy but being confident can make up for that. Women are attracted to confidence. Unfortunately for a lot of good guys they aren’t very confident. This is true for a lot of thoughtful and humble guys.

You can work on your confidence. The key is to get over the idea that being rejected is so horrible. As long as you are otherwise being a good person rejection shouldn’t be taken personally. Our egos are the problem, and this is something you can work on. I saw an article a while ago about a man who sought to improve his confidence. He did so by going around and making unusual requests, like to play soccer in someone’s back yard. He figured he’d get rejected every time and this would build up his confidence. He got rejected plenty, but more surprising was how often people said yes. Work on your confidence by learning to get over rejection and I think you’ll find your situation will improve greatly.

Excellent post.

 

[pianistclare]

Interesting link. Very true!

You know, I found it interesting that you said girls were interested in you, but you weren’t attracted to them. What was that based on? Sometimes, like yourself with other women, (you probably felt you weren’t being given a chance) you may be rejecting them without giving them a chance. Maybe they aren’t exactly your type looks wise…but you never know, they could be really compatible.

In my opinion, being blunt and telling a girl you are attracted to them, is sometimes a turn off. You have to let them know you are interested by your actions, your attention, and your conversation without coming right out and saying it.

Instead of “I am attracted to you,” tell her you enjoy talking to her, or that you had a nice time(on a date) or that you are looking forward to getting together again. She will get the message without you being blunt.

I agree that hand holding and a kiss on the lips are not off limits. I know people do it, but saving a kiss for marriage is just a little too far out there.

Yes.

 

[DarkLight]

I’d be worried about pushing physical touch on a girl who hasn’t already expressed interest. It seems like the kind of thing that would put you into creep territory.

 

[AClaire11]

I’d be worried about pushing physical touch on a girl who hasn’t already expressed interest. It seems like the kind of thing that would put you into creep territory.

Agreed. Pushing physical touch and being manipulative by “making her see what she’s missing” are both bad ideas. If a friend confessed to me and then after I said no, stopped talking to me, I’d think he was a jerk and definitely wouldn’t want to date him.

And everyone is entitled to their preferences, but you’ll miss out on a lot of good women if you insist your matches be petite and skinny. The average height is 5’4", so by insisting they be at least that short, you’ll be eliminating a lot of people.

 

[Engineer4God]

And everyone is entitled to their preferences, but you’ll miss out on a lot of good women if you insist your matches be petite and skinny. The average height is 5’4", so by insisting they be at least that short, you’ll be eliminating a lot of people.

I agree that I it’s good to be open to women outside my height but at the same time I don’t want her to be towering over me. Is that unreasonable?

 

[DarkLight]

I agree that I it’s good to be open to women outside my height but at the same time I don’t want her to be towering over me. Is that unreasonable?

I wouldn’t think of it in terms of reasonable or unreasonable. Think of it in terms of narrowing your potential matches.

 

[Xantippe]

I agree that I it’s good to be open to women outside my height but at the same time I don’t want her to be towering over me. Is that unreasonable?

Probably.

One of my relatives is around your height (maybe a smidge taller) and his wife is 6 feet tall. She’s a really lovely person.

If you’re going to limit yourself to small, thin women, you’re going to get what you’ve been getting.

 

[twf]

I agree. The essential thing, for our purposes here is a man doesn’t have to get handsy in order to let a woman know he cares about her, yes?

Yes. I have only kissed two women in my life (the second one being my now wife), and in both cases only AFTER we were in an established romantic relationship.

 

[Irishmom2]

I agree that I it’s good to be open to women outside my height but at the same time I don’t want her to be towering over me. Is that unreasonable?

A little bit.

Towering is one thing, but taller is another. (Says the woman that is a couple of inches taller than her husband. ) You may be missing out on some wonderful woman just because she is taller… If it doesn’t bother her, why should it bother you?

 

[SyroMalankara]

I agree that I it’s good to be open to women outside my height but at the same time I don’t want her to be towering over me. Is that unreasonable?

The Catholic woman who practices and is willing to date you is hard enough, don’t add things that are not even what you really care about. Sure, you should be attracted to each other. Other than that, most of the other stuff you won’t know until you talk. She might attend Mass every day, but you may find out she disagrees with 65% of Church teaching. She might attend once a week, and through a conversation you’ll find out she’s extremely caring and volunteers 4days a week feeding the homeless.

Hey, another idea. Why not forget the dating thing, volunteer at places that need help, like soup kitchens, Catholic child care, etc… can’t not meet a caring individual at these places. If not the person working side-by-side you, I’m sure they have relatives and friends.