Getting over a breakup

[linda_writes]

I want to start off by thanking anyone that responds.

This is my first post, reading other people’s questions and how helpful were other people made me join the Forums.

My first boyfriend of 6 months just broke up with me yesterday. I will recount a little bit about our history, so bear with me.

We met online. I never thought of doing long distance, but saw stories of successful couples and decided to accept his offer to enter a relationship with him. The first two months were amazing and he had said that he got a plane ticket to come and visit me. I kept praying for our relationship and I started to feel anxiety about his religious beliefs (which I now know I should have considered before starting to fall for him). It was just the things he said and I gave him my trust and affection. He would talk about marriage, kids, and make plans for the future. I come from a broken family and he would always tell me that he would be patient & loving and promised me the moon and the stars and I trusted him.
He is pentecostal. I asked a couple of people and read a couple of forums here about how difficult it is, more so when bringing up kids under one faith. I brought it up to him and he dismissed it, which made me more anxious.
I then decided to give him an ultimatum, and that’s when things started to go south. We had a big fight, but he begged me to move on and I agreed. I tried to convince myself that the only thing that mattered is that he had a relationship with God and that’s all that mattered.
He started to be less and less romantic, he canceled his flight and told me the last day before he was scheduled to come, he started to communicate less and less, he started to pick fights and make rude remarks. All this made me frustrated, and sometimes I would play along in the arguments.
I recognized my fault and asked for forgiveness, which he accepted but never asked so for himself. I started to pray more and read about couples and started to apply things the books would say, but saw no change in him. I became desperate and started to loose myself and the sight of what I wanted initially, my dreams. He started wanting to be promiscuous with talking dirty on the phone and text and I played along with it. I know I made a huge mistake there, and I don’t even recognize myself for doing so. I always had the dream of saving myself for my husband and at one point was willing to give that up to keep him.
Last month he sent me a text saying that due to scheduling he had to put our relationship on hold. I agreed and all this month I was suffering confused, yet I started the 54-day Miraculous Novena to our Lady of the Rosary for our relationship. Just yesterday he sent me an email with a picture and the picture read “You’re no longer a part of my life, but I wish you the best in yours”. I had some communication with his sister and she would swear that he was just busy but that he cared for me a lot, which made me keep waiting for him, but I know that yesterday he ended any possibilities.
I have been praying and listening to speakers like Jackie Francois-Angel and Emily Wilson, listening to Catholic music, but I haven’t slept much and I keep having feelings of fault/guilt and brokeness, questioning everything but most importantly myself and my worth and decisions.
Please pray for me
.:bighanky::bighanky::bighanky::bighanky:

 

[EasterJoy]

It is not a mistake to apologize and ask for forgiveness when you’ve done something wrong. You do, however, have to keep the “making amends” within appropriate boundaries. “I’m sorry, I’d like to make this up to you” does not mean “I will do anything if you’ll just be happy and like me again.” If you want to learn how happily-married people complain, negotiate, and make up, by all means read marriage research literature like John Gottman’s. There are lots of tips that work in everyday life with friends and family. I’d suggest you start making those happy-couple conflict strategies into your own personal habits. That will help you feel confident that you know how to navigate the differences of opinion that all couples go through from time to time. That confidence will really help in keeping things rational and low-keyed, even when you feel strongly about something–I cannot tell you.

• Just yesterday he sent me an email with a picture and the picture read “You’re no longer a part of my life, but I wish you the best in yours”*

That is about as ham-handed a way to break up as a decent person is ever likely to try, but at least he let you know. I would not be at all surprised if he’s met someone close to home and felt guilty about asking her out before he’d broken up with you, but he may just be trying to be fair to you, knowing you don’t deserve to hang out there forever. In other words: not a bad intent, even though the execution was insensitive at best.

Expect to go through some grief over this. Of course you will. You feel attached, this was a real friendship, even with its faults. It is not going to feel like you’ve changed vendors at work (and even that might feel bad if you enjoyed your contact with a business vendor in a personal way). Give yourself time, and if you don’t start coming out of it in a few weeks then do some research about how to handle grief. Just treat this like the death of something you had put some of your heart into, because that is what it is.

You’ve also learned a lot about yourself, your weaknesses and your priorities from this. Going forward, try a “what did I learn, how can I do better next time” approach, rather than a “what is wrong with me” approach. It is not sour grapes to take some consolation from the obvious truth that this wasn’t the ideal match for either one of you. I don’t know if you’ll do better some day, but you certainly don’t have to feel you let your One True Love get away. From what you have written, even you don’t believe that. Don’t start second-guessing yourself on that. Remind yourself that you got some learning in on a relationship that wasn’t in the best interest of either party. Less harm, less foul.

Oh, and practice this response, in case he calls back: “Thanks, but no thanks.” Depending on your mood that day, you may also be tempted to say, “You’re no longer a part of my life, but I wish you the best in yours.” Plan to take the high road, and don’t say that.

 

[shainski]

Linda,

you don’t mention how old you are. I assume that you are a young adult.

Losing your first love can be traumatic for a long time. You’re not going to get over it in a day, a week, or maybe even a year. But you will.

One of the troubles of a long-distance relationship (especially when it begins as a long distance relationship) is that you don’t know the other person very well. So you begin filling in the missing pieces with how you would ideally like the other person to be. Ultimately you end up with the image of a person who is so wonderful that no one could really be that person.

When it’s long distance, then every time you meet, you feel immense excitement. You can look forward to adventures. The mystery is high - when you speak of your lives, it’s so exciting because it is outside of your day-to-day existence.

But to become a relationship, one of you (or both) will eventually need to relocate. But when you start seeing him every day, he is no more perfect that any other person. You discover that the missing pieces that you filled in with what a perfect person would possess are more than he is.

You fell in love with the idea of being in love. (I know…I’ve been there. Looking back at my life, I’m glad I was there once. It forced me to mature. I’ve also done the long-distance thing - and that was so exciting and wonderful - almost magical (when we lived in different cities).

You’ll get over him, but you have to allow yourself to heal. In a little while - you will be able to look back on this whole thing and decide if you did something wrong - if he was as perfect as you thought - whether a long distance relationship was wise. All of that!. But right now you need to heal. You need to grieve the end of something.

And if you have friends, let them help you heal. Do things with them for a while. They’ve probably been through similar things, and they will understand.

 

[EasterJoy]

And if you have friends, let them help you heal. Do things with them for a while. They’ve probably been through similar things, and they will understand.

Even if they haven’t, it is good to spend time with other people doing things you enjoy doing with them. It will limit the amount of time you have to chew up too much grieving in one day. They’ll also be able to give you concrete experience that there is more to your life than just this one loss. They’ll be a reminder that you do have a nice life to go forward with. That is very important right now.

 

[12345678]

Hi Linda,

I’m sorry you are having a tough time but, as a parent, if you were my daughter I would be very happy to hear this relationship ended.
Did you ever meet him in person? If not, I would advise you to never, ever consider anyone your boyfriend until you have spent time with the person in person. Online relationships are very tricky (doable, but tricky). People can paint themselves to be whatever they want to be in online relationships, hiding what they want to hide and choosing to share what they want you to see/hear… even when it isn’t even true. I would take some time to reconnect with the world around you and thank your Guardian Angel that this guy “got away”.

 

[pianistclare]

I want to start off by thanking anyone that responds.

This is my first post, reading other people’s questions and how helpful were other people made me join the Forums.

My first boyfriend of 6 months just broke up with me yesterday. I will recount a little bit about our history, so bear with me.

We met online. I never thought of doing long distance, but saw stories of successful couples and decided to accept his offer to enter a relationship with him. The first two months were amazing and he had said that he got a plane ticket to come and visit me. I kept praying for our relationship and I started to feel anxiety about his religious beliefs (which I now know I should have considered before starting to fall for him). It was just the things he said and I gave him my trust and affection. He would talk about marriage, kids, and make plans for the future. I come from a broken family and he would always tell me that he would be patient & loving and promised me the moon and the stars and I trusted him.
He is pentecostal. I asked a couple of people and read a couple of forums here about how difficult it is, more so when bringing up kids under one faith. I brought it up to him and he dismissed it, which made me more anxious.
I then decided to give him an ultimatum, and that’s when things started to go south. We had a big fight, but he begged me to move on and I agreed. I tried to convince myself that the only thing that mattered is that he had a relationship with God and that’s all that mattered.
He started to be less and less romantic, he canceled his flight and told me the last day before he was scheduled to come, he started to communicate less and less, he started to pick fights and make rude remarks. All this made me frustrated, and sometimes I would play along in the arguments.
I recognized my fault and asked for forgiveness, which he accepted but never asked so for himself. I started to pray more and read about couples and started to apply things the books would say, but saw no change in him. I became desperate and started to loose myself and the sight of what I wanted initially, my dreams. He started wanting to be promiscuous with talking dirty on the phone and text and I played along with it. I know I made a huge mistake there, and I don’t even recognize myself for doing so. I always had the dream of saving myself for my husband and at one point was willing to give that up to keep him.
Last month he sent me a text saying that due to scheduling he had to put our relationship on hold. I agreed and all this month I was suffering confused, yet I started the 54-day Miraculous Novena to our Lady of the Rosary for our relationship. Just yesterday he sent me an email with a picture and the picture read “You’re no longer a part of my life, but I wish you the best in yours”. I had some communication with his sister and she would swear that he was just busy but that he cared for me a lot, which made me keep waiting for him, but I know that yesterday he ended any possibilities.
I have been praying and listening to speakers like Jackie Francois-Angel and Emily Wilson, listening to Catholic music, but I haven’t slept much and I keep having feelings of fault/guilt and brokeness, questioning everything but most importantly myself and my worth and decisions.
Please pray for me
.:bighanky::bighanky::bighanky::bighanky:

You don’t want to hear this because of your pain but honestly:
This is your prayers answered. A relationship with one in the Pentecostal church would be VERY difficult for a practicing Catholic.
You like the idea of being in love, yes, but honestly, who doesn’t? That’s normal.
But wanting to talk dirty and sending you a harsh meme? GOOD RIDDANCE. Clearly God has someone else in mind for you.
God bless.

 

[Lou2U]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP :hug1: . I agree with EasterJoy and Clare; their advice is excellent.

I’m sorry you felt as though you had to compromise on the beliefs integral to you. You have not done anything wrong, and you do not have to compromise in order to find love. There’s someone out there who’ll suit you much, much better - as Clare says, this is the best thing that could have come out of your situation. You have learnt more about yourself, and about what you really want in a relationship. You are worth much more than what this man made you feel. You do not have to compromise your beliefs for him, or for anyone.

Lou

 

[LexDivina]

Hi Linda,

I’m sorry you are having a tough time but, as a parent, if you were my daughter I would be very happy to hear this relationship ended.
Did you ever meet him in person? If not, I would advise you to never, ever consider anyone your boyfriend until you have spent time with the person in person. Online relationships are very tricky (doable, but tricky). People can paint themselves to be whatever they want to be in online relationships, hiding what they want to hide and choosing to share what they want you to see/hear… even when it isn’t even true. I would take some time to reconnect with the world around you and thank your Guardian Angel that this guy “got away”.

This is so true. I am terrified of online men. I always think there must be something wrong with a man if he has to sweet talk women online and can’t get a woman in real life to date him. That’s me being judgemental.

 

[pianistclare]

I net my wonderful husband online.
One just has to use common sense

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

This is so true. I am terrified of online men. I always think there must be something wrong with a man if he has to sweet talk women online and can’t get a woman in real life to date him. That’s me being judgemental.

I will be sure to share your opinion with my girlfriend that I met on Catholicmatch.com. You must have a equally bad opinion of her since she had to go online to meet a man

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

I want to start off by thanking anyone that responds.

This is my first post, reading other people’s questions and how helpful were other people made me join the Forums.

My first boyfriend of 6 months just broke up with me yesterday. I will recount a little bit about our history, so bear with me.

We met online. I never thought of doing long distance, but saw stories of successful couples and decided to accept his offer to enter a relationship with him. The first two months were amazing and he had said that he got a plane ticket to come and visit me. I kept praying for our relationship and I started to feel anxiety about his religious beliefs (which I now know I should have considered before starting to fall for him). It was just the things he said and I gave him my trust and affection. He would talk about marriage, kids, and make plans for the future. I come from a broken family and he would always tell me that he would be patient & loving and promised me the moon and the stars and I trusted him.
He is pentecostal. I asked a couple of people and read a couple of forums here about how difficult it is, more so when bringing up kids under one faith. I brought it up to him and he dismissed it, which made me more anxious.
I then decided to give him an ultimatum, and that’s when things started to go south. We had a big fight, but he begged me to move on and I agreed. I tried to convince myself that the only thing that mattered is that he had a relationship with God and that’s all that mattered.
He started to be less and less romantic, he canceled his flight and told me the last day before he was scheduled to come, he started to communicate less and less, he started to pick fights and make rude remarks. All this made me frustrated, and sometimes I would play along in the arguments.
I recognized my fault and asked for forgiveness, which he accepted but never asked so for himself. I started to pray more and read about couples and started to apply things the books would say, but saw no change in him. I became desperate and started to loose myself and the sight of what I wanted initially, my dreams. He started wanting to be promiscuous with talking dirty on the phone and text and I played along with it. I know I made a huge mistake there, and I don’t even recognize myself for doing so. I always had the dream of saving myself for my husband and at one point was willing to give that up to keep him.
Last month he sent me a text saying that due to scheduling he had to put our relationship on hold. I agreed and all this month I was suffering confused, yet I started the 54-day Miraculous Novena to our Lady of the Rosary for our relationship. Just yesterday he sent me an email with a picture and the picture read “You’re no longer a part of my life, but I wish you the best in yours”. I had some communication with his sister and she would swear that he was just busy but that he cared for me a lot, which made me keep waiting for him, but I know that yesterday he ended any possibilities.
I have been praying and listening to speakers like Jackie Francois-Angel and Emily Wilson, listening to Catholic music, but I haven’t slept much and I keep having feelings of fault/guilt and brokeness, questioning everything but most importantly myself and my worth and decisions.
Please pray for me
.:bighanky::bighanky::bighanky::bighanky:

I am sorry that you are hurting. Breakups do hurt after all.

I do not know how old you are but I assume relatively young. It seems like you never met this man “In real life” This may not be what you want to hear but nothing is actually real until you meet. I have been online dating for years and it is never real until you meet. Please be cautious of men who are already talking about marriage (in a serious manner) after only a few months. Some people do fall in love having never met but it is not the majority. It is a very small minority and who knows if any of their marriages ended up lasting. You need to be around someone in real life. I know the pain you are feeling. Time will heal you. You at least recognize that you did wrong. Do not do it again. That is all you can do. Repent and go to confession if you have to. With more relationship experience you will make better decisions if you think with your head more than your heart, instead of the other way around. You must not let emotions and those lovey dovey feelings cloud your judgement. You will be okay. God bless

 

[angell1]

I want to start off by thanking anyone that responds.

This is my first post, reading other people’s questions and how helpful were other people made me join the Forums.

My first boyfriend of 6 months just broke up with me yesterday. I will recount a little bit about our history, so bear with me.

We met online. I never thought of doing long distance, but saw stories of successful couples and decided to accept his offer to enter a relationship with him. The first two months were amazing and he had said that he got a plane ticket to come and visit me. I kept praying for our relationship and I started to feel anxiety about his religious beliefs (which I now know I should have considered before starting to fall for him). It was just the things he said and I gave him my trust and affection. He would talk about marriage, kids, and make plans for the future. I come from a broken family and he would always tell me that he would be patient & loving and promised me the moon and the stars and I trusted him.
He is pentecostal. I asked a couple of people and read a couple of forums here about how difficult it is, more so when bringing up kids under one faith. I brought it up to him and he dismissed it, which made me more anxious.
I then decided to give him an ultimatum, and that’s when things started to go south. We had a big fight, but he begged me to move on and I agreed. I tried to convince myself that the only thing that mattered is that he had a relationship with God and that’s all that mattered.
He started to be less and less romantic, he canceled his flight and told me the last day before he was scheduled to come, he started to communicate less and less, he started to pick fights and make rude remarks. All this made me frustrated, and sometimes I would play along in the arguments.
I recognized my fault and asked for forgiveness, which he accepted but never asked so for himself. I started to pray more and read about couples and started to apply things the books would say, but saw no change in him. I became desperate and started to loose myself and the sight of what I wanted initially, my dreams. He started wanting to be promiscuous with talking dirty on the phone and text and I played along with it. I know I made a huge mistake there, and I don’t even recognize myself for doing so. I always had the dream of saving myself for my husband and at one point was willing to give that up to keep him.
Last month he sent me a text saying that due to scheduling he had to put our relationship on hold. I agreed and all this month I was suffering confused, yet I started the 54-day Miraculous Novena to our Lady of the Rosary for our relationship. Just yesterday he sent me an email with a picture and the picture read “You’re no longer a part of my life, but I wish you the best in yours”. I had some communication with his sister and she would swear that he was just busy but that he cared for me a lot, which made me keep waiting for him, but I know that yesterday he ended any possibilitiens.
I have been praying and listening to speakers like Jackie Francois-Angel and Emily Wilson, listening to Catholic music, but I haven’t slept much and I keep having feelings of fault/guilt and brokeness, questioning everything but most importantly myself and my worth and decisions.
Please pray for me
.:bighanky::bighanky::bighanky::bighanky:

I am sorry this happened this way.

but in reality 6 months is really not a very long time. I would say you two probably didn’t know each other as well as you thought you did.

I have nothing against online relationships, but it’s very easy for someone to make things up or present themselves in a different way so it definitely akes a lot of caution.

I agree it’s important to apologize if you’ve actually done something wrong. but don’t start grovelling if you haven’t. if the other person is throwing an unreasonable fit, there’s not point in asking for forgiveness just so they won’t be mad or cater to their every whime. don’t compromise your belief so that someone else will like you. wish I had knowsn that when I was younger.

 

[Xantippe]

I net my wonderful husband online.
One just has to use common sense

I suspect that it’s easier for ladies with more experience of what is and isn’t normal and acceptable behavior to navigate online dating.

 

[1ke]

I suspect that it’s easier for ladies with more experience of what is and isn’t normal and acceptable behavior to navigate online dating.

That is 100% true! I met my husband online and we’ve been married almost 12 years.

 

[1ke]

My first boyfriend of 6 months just broke up with me yesterday.

i am very sorry you’ve been hurt. However, exchanging emails and phone calls doesn’t make someone your boyfriend.

We met online. I never thought of doing long distance, but saw stories of successful couples and decided to accept his offer to enter a relationship with him.

In the future, do not accept invitations to “enter a relationship” with anyone. You would not do so with anyone else you had just met. You would exchange friendly information, not personal things. You would talk to many different people, get to know people slowly, progress carefully.

If you have little experience dating, and reading people, I would suggest you practice those skills in real life before you try to do it online.

The first two months were amazing and he had said that he got a plane ticket to come and visit me. I kept praying for our relationship

It may have been exciting to have someone paying attention to you, but you didn’t have a relationship.

and I started to feel anxiety about his religious beliefs (which I now know I should have considered before starting to fall for him).

Yes you learned the hard way not to entertain mixed religion relationships.

It was just the things he said and I gave him my trust and affection. He would talk about marriage, kids, and make plans for the future. I come from a broken family and he would always tell me that he would be patient & loving and promised me the moon and the stars and I trusted him.

You overshared immensely, sharing things about your childhood prematurely giving him ways to manipulate you.

He talked about marriage and kids and plans for the future after only a few weeks. In the future let this be a solid warning that things are OFF.

He is pentecostal. I asked a couple of people and read a couple of forums here about how difficult it is, more so when bringing up kids under one faith. I brought it up to him and he dismissed it, which made me more anxious.

Sounds like you have a lot of anxiety. Perhaps you should consider some counseling, coaching on social situations. You don’t say how old you are.

This red flag #3-- dismissing your legitimate concerns

I then decided to give him an ultimatum, and that’s when things started to go south. We had a big fight, but he begged me to move on and I agreed. I tried to convince myself that the only thing that mattered is that he had a relationship with God and that’s all that mattered.

He started to be less and less romantic, he canceled his flight and told me the last day before he was scheduled to come, he started to communicate less and less, he started to pick fights and make rude remarks. All this made me frustrated, and sometimes I would play along in the arguments.

Ultimatums and “playing along” with fights etc is not mature relationship behavior.

I recognized my fault and asked for forgiveness, which he accepted but never asked so for himself. I started to pray more and read about couples and started to apply things the books would say, but saw no change in him.

Right. Because you reading books can’t change HIM.

I became desperate and started to loose myself and the sight of what I wanted initially, my dreams.

Relationships aren’t dreamy, they are hard work. The initial stages of dating often involve infatuation, sounds like maybe online you had an extended infatuation stage, he likely crafted an online image that was much different from the reality. And oversharing personal details gave him things to go on to continue to build the fantasy AND made you overly attached.

He started wanting to be promiscuous with talking dirty on the phone and text and I played along with it. I know I made a huge mistake there, and I don’t even recognize myself for doing so. I always had the dream of saving myself for my husband and at one point was willing to give that up to keep him.

Any time anyone wants promiscuity and “dirty talk” it is time to block them.

Last month he sent me a text saying that due to scheduling he had to put our relationship on hold. I agreed and all this month I was suffering confused, yet I started the 54-day Miraculous Novena to our Lady of the Rosary for our relationship. Just yesterday he sent me an email with a picture and the picture read “You’re no longer a part of my life, but I wish you the best in yours”. I had some communication with his sister and she would swear that he was just busy but that he cared for me a lot, which made me keep waiting for him, but I know that yesterday he ended any possibilities.

Count yourself lucky.

I have been praying and listening to speakers like Jackie Francois-Angel and Emily Wilson, listening to Catholic music, but I haven’t slept much and I keep having feelings of fault/guilt and brokeness, questioning everything but most importantly myself and my worth and decisions.
Please pray for me
.:bighanky::bighanky::bighanky::bighanky:

I would encourage you to get some counseling and treat online and in person relationships equally cautiously.

 

[linda_writes]

Thank you all for your replies.:thankyou:
I am 23.
They have really helped put things into perspective and learn from this experience. I am trying to concentrate on learning from this experience. Concentrate on grieving, healing and on working on myself. & yes my parents are very happy that the relationship ended as they saw him as someone toxic.
I did let my emotions cloud my judgement when I knew better, because I fell in love with the idea of love and I was settling.
I am new to relationships, and as a couple of you have pointed out, this past experience was not even a real one.
I am finishing my novena, and also reading in on some books I ordered from the Chasity Project as I saw it recommended on another thread.

 

[Estevao]

If you can’t already, eventually you will be able to see him (if you even do think about him at all) as he really was and not the fake idealized version of him. Think of this as a good growing process that will enable you to properly exercise prudence in the future when choosing a husband.

Getting cured form oneitis makes you a more well-rounded person.

 

[linda_writes]

I have found myself rereading and rereading the replies. It helps me when I second guess and they help me remind myself about the reality of the “relationship”/situation and of who he really showed himself to be.
I have confided in friends and family. I am also going to seek counseling and in the morning I am going to confession. My heart desires peace and love.
Thank you for your replies and prayers and good wishes. I have included all of you in my prayers tonight. :grouphug:

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Thank you all for your replies.:thankyou:
I am 23.
They have really helped put things into perspective and learn from this experience. I am trying to concentrate on learning from this experience. Concentrate on grieving, healing and on working on myself. & yes my parents are very happy that the relationship ended as they saw him as someone toxic.
I did let my emotions cloud my judgement when I knew better, because I fell in love with the idea of love and I was settling.
I am new to relationships, and as a couple of you have pointed out, this past experience was not even a real one.
I am finishing my novena, and also reading in on some books I ordered from the Chasity Project as I saw it recommended on another thread.

I am so glad to read this reply. You are doing the right thing. Thanks be to God.

I completely get it… I did not even start dating until I was 27. I have only had 2 girlfriend in my life and I am 32. I started late. I learned that two people can seem to “hit it off” by email, text, phone but then when they meet… Nothing… no chemistry. And I am speaking of personal experience, more than one time. That is why I say it is not “real” until you meet.

I met my current girlfriend on Catholicmatch. We were friends for a whole year and met several times before we began dating. Then we dated for a month until we made it “exclusive” So, total, we got to know each other for a year and 4 months before we even became a couple and we see each other 2 times a week. It would be more but we live 50 miles apart so 2 days a week is all we can do for now.

Do not let this experience sour you on online dating. Online dating is a useful tool. Despite what some people think, there are great men and women who utilize the sites. Guys who are, literally, models and doctors. Women who are, literally, beauty queens. I know, because I skyped with one, it was the only way I could believe that such a beauty was on a dating site and was talking to me lol. We were only friends though. I have met great women from dating sites. I have met real jerks too. Not only men can be jerks in the online dating scene. Your experiences can get better with more experience. Seems you will be just fine. You seem intelligent. The idea of “being in love” has gotten a lot of us in the past. I wish you the best in the future. God bless.

 

[chevalier]

His behaviour looks consistent with a man who knows he’s likely lost the relationship already or has begun to think the relationship, or the woman rather, is not a keeper. And that’s the source of the tension which results in having a short fuse, leading to volatile temper, picking fights, becoming either too distant or too close (a swinging pendulum), or even overcompensating by getting too sexual (which works a bit like an anaesthetic, in addition to allowing the guy to think he’s proving something to himself, e.g. that the relationship still exists).

Chances are he was unable to bear a breakup initiated by you but more capable of coming to terms with one initiated by himself. In any case, moving on so quickly from begging you to stay with him to ending the relationship on his terms doesn’t make him look particularly stable. I suppose he’s young and has some growing up to do.

On the other hand, your behaviour — apart from making it clear you’re somewhat on the sensitive side — is consistent with you blaming yourself as a way of not having to cope with the thought of undeserved evil in the world. Remember, bad things happen both to good and to bad people, just like the sun shines on everybody and rain also falls on everybody, good or bad. You don’t need to have done something bad to deserve the bad things happening to you. They just happen.

Similarly, other people can legitimately be quite mean to you without you having done something bad to them first. Just because they’re mean to you doesn’t mean you must have given them a good enough reason. Nope. They can be bad enough without a good enough reason. Hard to imagine, hard to accept, but true nonetheless. Quite liberating, also, once you accept it.

Next, the suffering you experience isn’t even necessarily guilt. It can be something else that is difficult to name. No need to let it affect your worth. No need to think bad of yourself just because you’re powerless to undo what happened.

But you’ve already realized most of this by now, I think. It’s already a very good sign that you aren’t trying to get him back or second-guessing his definite break-up with you, and a sign of maturity that you’ve started to question your decisions more analytically. You’re doing better than I did when I was your age.

Finally, stick with Catholics.Mixed religion drama is one of those things it’s easier to avoid early on than leave later. By opting not to date non-Catholics you aren’t treating them as something worse than Catholics; this isn’t an equality matter. A man could be a living saint, and more Catholic than the Pope, and still be bad marriage material for you (or even in general). Simply feeling comfortable in his relationship with God doesn’t make him good marriage material for you.