Getting over him

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I ended it with him. Because we were trying to fix things and i felt it had come to a stagnant. I wasn’t happy because all i saw from him, when i was with him and talked to him, that he was just doing it because he knew i wanted it, not because he really wanted to be there.

I’m having so much trouble breaking it off because we both still care for each other too much. If he didn’t want to be with me i would have no trouble letting him go and finding someone who did.

My friend was talking to him the other day about us, and she forwarded this to me. This is what he said about us:
“I just think we r really different n we both need 2 grow up. I need 2 get more serious over time n she needs 2 loosen up. It kills me 2 lose her. I really do luv her 2 death but I can’t keep her wit me if I can’t make her happy. It hurts but id rather take the bullet then make her do it. :-(”

He’s right about why we don’t work, but the rest of it just makes it harder for me…
 
Well Jellie, now that the deed is done, what’s gonna be your next move?
 
I don’t know…

I’m still working on the not being completely crazy. It’s finals right now and I’m under a lot of stress, and my brain blows any little thing way out of proportion. Like he was rude to me yesterday at a greek event. and then today i heard a rumor that he was trying to start talking to another girl. But i need to stay sane. I need to be ok. I need to study. I was sick all day today because of the stress…

So yea my next move is surviving finals
 
jellie89 said:
So yea my next move is surviving finals
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**Baby steps!

And a word of advice…DON’T listen to rumors! They never do anyone any good.

Good luck on your finals… we’re here if you need us (not for your finals, lol…for the other stuff:p)**
 
Break-ups are always hard, I’m afraid. 😦 I’m only a couple of years older than you (21) and I’ve been through quite a bit trouble with them myself.

I don’t think you two are right for eachother from what you’ve said - sometimes its really easy to fall in love with someone because of how you see them, not for how they really are; its even harder to let go when you’ve been with someone a while, because there us undoubtably a bond there.

Speaking from my own experience you did the right thing, I’ve felt a lot of what you have in the past (although probably on a smaller level) and once you get past that initial break-up pain, you can really start to see things clearly.

Anyway, I’ll be praying for you both! Feel free to PM me if you feel like venting about anything, most of my friends come to me for advice anyway. 😃

Edit: Also, I agree with Feanaro’s Wife, do NOT listen to rumours - you’re only going to wreck your own sanity and fill your mind with doubt and anxiety. http://forums.catholic-questions.org/member.php
 
jellie89 said:
I don’t know…

I’m still working on the not being completely crazy. It’s finals right now and I’m under a lot of stress, and my brain blows any little thing way out of proportion. Like he was rude to me yesterday at a greek event. and then today i heard a rumor that he was trying to start talking to another girl. But i need to stay sane. I need to be ok. I need to study. I was sick all day today because of the stress…

So yea my next move is surviving finals
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Don’t let the sadness and doubts overcome you. You will do fine with a little sadness, but you need to focus on the exams. Past love life needs to take a back seat. Put your energy in studying and analysing the material. When you’re done studying, start discovering patterns, analysing core problems, read up something additional. Then get an A and move on.
 
Jellie, you’re not going to like this but I still feel exactly the way you do about my ex, and we broke up well over a year ago. I think things could have been ok, but I kept pursuing her when she wanted space, and that made it worse, so now I see no way that we could ever get back together. She’s moved on and had another serious relationship since then, but I can’t.

Should I move on? Perhaps. Does that mean I can? No way. It wouldn’t be right for me to start a relationship with someone else, because nobody deserves to feel like second best, and if I ever did start a relationship, it would always at least start with them as second best. Maybe it wouldn’t stay that way, but it would start that way, and that’s not fair. Maybe I’m imagining that my ex was better than she really was, in fact I know that’s exactly what I am doing, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop. I won’t allow myself to judge her, and I won’t allow myself to stop seeking her good.

So what do I do? Pray for her. Not for her to come back to me, but for her to be happy and saved, and if it is God’s will, to find a husband who cares about her immortal soul. I failed in that more than anything else. While I pray, I pray for myself to become a better, stronger, more godly man. I’m leaving it in God’s hands to decide what that will make me into, but I’m pretty sure I won’t ever be in love again. I may marry someone, and in that case I would love them with the self-sacrificial love which befits a Christian spouse, but I would never be ‘in love’ in the way I was with my ex. I don’t think I could ever even be in love with her again. I’m probably going to be a lay monk, because I couldn’t be a priest with this disordered attachment to my ex, and at least as a monk I could serve others and offer up my life of prayer for her needs and intentions, and not be haunted by the thought that maybe one day we might get back together, because that possibility would be closed.

Anyway, what I’m saying is, people will tell you to get over it, to move on. Do that if you want. It will certainly make you happy, but Catholicism isn’t just about happiness, it’s about living in the Truth. If the truth is that you can’t move on, accept it, and live your life the best you can to serve others as a heartbroken single person for God. He will uphold you, He will comfort you. It is sad, but also beautiful.
 
Anyway, what I’m saying is, people will tell you to get over it, to move on. Do that if you want. It will certainly make you happy, but Catholicism isn’t just about happiness, it’s about living in the Truth. If the truth is that you can’t move on, accept it, and live your life the best you can to serve others as a heartbroken single person for God. He will uphold you, He will comfort you. It is sad, but also beautiful.
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I don’t understand this here bro. Does this mean you think this girl is a cross you must bear from now on?
 
Dear jellie89

The two of you have only recently broken up, and you were both in love at the time. It is only natural that you feel like you do, but it will pass in time. I don’t have any advice, except to wait it out. Will pray for you and your former boyfriend.

God bless you
TL
 
I hear you and I feel your pain! God bless you and hope that God helps you get through this terrible feeling and pain! I know I would be devastated and destroyed if my db decides he’s not ready for what he feels and claims to be…And the why’s are never there, there is not enough justification, answers, responses, reasons to WHY!!!

And even though I will cry every night and probably every day, and it will be hard to face every day without knowing he’s there any more, I will have to hold it for work and family and children…I will have to pray very hard, find something to distract me with so I don’t think about him…Keep myself very occupied, listen to a lot of non-romantic- loving music, so I dont get sad thinking of my pain and love for him…I would listen to fun dancing music, I would dance the night away, dance until I couldn’t move my feet and do this on a daily basis…I would drink hot cocoa and watch a good action flick on a nightly basis, cuddle up to my pillow and hold it tightly so I don’t feel discomfort or loneliness…I would talk to my friends as much as possible, family time, read a lot, work harder, keep myself busy so that I wouldn’t think about him…

Eventually some thoughts will creep in but as time goes on and the more occupied you are the less you will think of him and the less you will remind yourself and be hurting any more…Eventually you will find you are ready to move on. It might take days, weeks, months, maybe even years, but as long as you are trying your hardest, concentrate in prayer and ask GOD to help you through this He will lead you down the correct and right path. This is another life lesson, that you can love someone and try to still be friends with, and now you will know what it is you will be looking for in another partner…AS difficult as it is to think about this now, just remember that everything happens for a reason and sooner rather than later, perhaps and hopefully you will know and figure it out!

God bless, take care and good luck!
 
BamaRider said:
I don’t understand this here bro. Does this mean you think this girl is a cross you must bear from now on?
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Not saying she’s a cross to bear. Far from it.

Basically, we were engaged, I wanted to marry her, and the more I learn about Catholic marriage, even now that we’re apart, the more I think “that’s how I felt about her, and only her”. We were separated by being in different countries, and if it hadn’t been for the immigration process, would probably have been married much sooner. I feel like the rules that apply to divorce more or less apply to me, not juridically, like something unwanted that is imposed from the outside, but internally, because I’ll always carry her in my heart.

I suppose, I see it more as a state of life. Some people spend their whole lives in the single state though they have a vocation to marriage but haven’t met the right person, others because they are divorced, others because they have spiritual, physical or psychological difficulties which would be an impairment to marriage, and some because they met the right person but messed it up. The key thing is making the most of my (from what I can tell, permanent) state of life.

I don’t regret the year we spent together (I regret things I did in that year, but I don’t regret having had that deep a love for her). I believe if I were to ‘get over’ her, it would make that love less beautiful, so I choose not to.
 
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