The one thing that bugged me about this is when someone said “Try to see the good in her.” I have been trying hard, but she has been making it difficult. I know this info about her because she herself has admitted that to my husband. Until just recently, my husband has had to draw a line with her, because she always talks to him about her personal life–NOT OF THEIR SON’s–her medical issues, her period, her sexual encounters with her current bf, etc–and that’s what triggered my disdain. Even after we got married, she still WOULD NOT respect boundaries.
And my husband has been passive about all this, because he says he doesn’t care what she says but just don’t want confrontation. I couldn’t take that she thinks she still has “rights” to him, and him not doing anything to set boundaries bugs me. I see it as either he still cares for her or he is afraid of her, because she might take his son away from him. Either way, I am not a consideration. It’s just him and his feelings.
Yes, I knew about all this before we got married. But it’s different when you get hit with reality like a ton of bricks – EVERY TIME I encounter her or her name comes up or I see something of hers in our house. Reality is I am not the FIRST one he’s proposed to (she said yes, but left him, so he ended up with me), our child won’t be his first. I feel I am taking seconds of everything, and he doesn’t see how it hurts me.Unless you are or have been in the same exact situation as me, I guess it will be easy to berate and judge me as being “unappreciative” or “unfair” to my husband. I gave up everything for him, even my past. He is stuck.
I appreciate and will continue to read all the advice here… but I am opposed to seeing a psychologist or a counselor. My peace comes from God, and all the things I’m going through is distracting me from God…
Thank you for your prayers and advice… God bless you all.
I was the one who asked you to try to see the good in her. And I have been where you are! My first husband had 3 children from previous relationships. Believe me, I know it’s hard. I tried my best to get along with the mothers and to encourage my ex to be a good father.
As another poster said, how your husband treats this child and his mother is indicative of how he will treat your future children and you. That is very true! In my case, my ex was a terrible father, did not want any financial responsibility or to be involved in his children’s lives. He treated their mothers shabbily.
And guess what? He was not financially or in any other way responsible for the two children from our marriage. He treated me very badly. We’ve been divorced for over 10 years and he has not paid a penny in child support and has only seen the kids on rare occasions when they were visiting his parents and he happened to be there. I can literally count on one hand how many times he has visited the kids in the last 10 years. Would you rather be married to a good man who takes responsibility for his children or a guy who bails and starts over every time things get real? Being caught between your wife and your child’s mother can’t be easy. Yet your husband is doing his best. Appreciate him for that.
Sadly, in my case, I was the one trying to get over my own sadness and jealousy to bring the children into their father’s home. I was the one trying to be friendly and helpful and to see the good in their mothers while my ex was trying to sweep it all under the rug and pretend the mothers and kids didn’t exist. How messed up is
that?
You got a good man there. He’s trying to be a father and to treat his child’s mother decently. That is a LOT more than quite a few men do.
I know it’s hard to realize that you are not the first woman he proposed to. I know it’s hard to not be the mother of his first child. And I know it’s hard to know that you are not the first woman he has been intimate with. But that is the reality and you accepted that when you married him. No one can change the past. What matters is how everyone proceeds from here.
You say the mother is not respecting boundaries. Did it ever occur to you to wonder why? She comes to your husband and talks about her medical issues, her cycle, her sex life, whats going on in her life for a reason. Most likely that reason is that she needs someone to care and she knows he is a good person. And, frankly, whats going on in her life, her medical problems, who she is dating and bringing home and where her head is at does effect the child. These are things your husband should be aware of so that he can protect and parent his son.
Maybe this woman has made so many mistakes that she doesn’t have people in her life who actually care what happens to her anymore. Maybe she is insecure, sad, lonely and desperate for kindness and compassion. Maybe she doesn’t understand boundaries or the reasons they are there.
And, as much as it pains you, she does have a bit of a claim on your husband. They have a child together. It’s certainly not marriage, but it is a lifetime bond. She’s his family, too. She should be able to call him and ask for help if she is in a bad spot. She should be able to call him and ask for help when things are difficult with the child and she needs back up. She should be able to call when she needs a shoulder to cry on. And, if you tried to befriend her, to spend from time with her and develop a good relationship, she may also see you as someone who cares, who can be there for her, and who can show her by example how to be a better person than she has been.
You say your peace and healing come from God. Fair enough. How do you think Jesus would behave in this situation? Would He sit there marinating in anger, jealousy, and focusing on the negatives or would He treat this woman with love and compassion?
