Getting over insecurities

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LotusCarsLtd

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So this is prompted by previous conversations I’ve had before with people. I have a lot of insecurities such as a lack of confidence, easily shattered confidence, lots of self doubt, occasional self-hate, and being uncomfortable in social situations. I also sometimes feel (erroneously, I know) that I am unwelcome even among friends. And people have rightly suggested I get over these problems.

My question is how. Ideas anyone? I wonder if, for me, this is largely a problem of perception (or misperception, perhaps). Any thoughts?
 
Hi LotusCarsLtd,

Being interested in psychiatry, one thought that crossed my mind is that you may have some traits of avoidant personality disorder. Just a thought because these things really seem to be bothering you. This is good because you may be able to start recognizing that a lot of this really is your perception. I haven’t met you personally, but from your posts, you seem like a pretty nice guy, and I get the sense that you would be sensitive to a girlfriend’s needs and care for her well. One thing that may help with feeling inferior is talking through it with friends that care about you, or a priest, or a counselor. Any of these individuals may help you gain some perspective on the situation. You’re probably not all that bad - you’re just telling yourself that you are. We can all look at guys who women find more attractive - but we can also find guys who are less attractive. Have someone close to you help you through this, you’re going to be all right.

Chad
 
One way to solve it is to try and p(name removed by moderator)oint the time when it started happening, and what made you start to develop that mindset.

Also, remember that from time to time we all do feel low, unwelcome and generally negative - it’s just a part of being human, especially if a couple of negative events happen in a short space of time.
 
hi,

always remember that each one of us have different characteristics with one another. so why feel insecure? you have a better quality that only you have, same with the others, they have this certain qualities that you definitely didnt have, that is the reason why we said that no one is an island, we need each others own special traits and characteristics in order to survive in this fast changing world.

always remember that you are special in your own special way.

God bless:)

Cheer up!!! God is good all the time 👍
 
LotusCarsLtd said:
So this is prompted by previous conversations I’ve had before with people. I have a lot of insecurities such as a lack of confidence, easily shattered confidence, lots of self doubt, occasional self-hate, and being uncomfortable in social situations. I also sometimes feel (erroneously, I know) that I am unwelcome even among friends. And people have rightly suggested I get over these problems.

My question is how. Ideas anyone? I wonder if, for me, this is largely a problem of perception (or misperception, perhaps). Any thoughts?
Click to expand...
There isn’t some magic formula you can follow to all of a sudden be more confident. Unfortunately you can’t just follow steps XYZ and be good to go. Getting into a good place in life is different for everyone and it takes time. This won’t just happen with the flip of a switch. That being said…here are my thoughts:
  1. You probably think it is much worse than it really is since everyone tends to be more critical of themself.
  2. Do things that you are confident doing and expand upon them. Possibly even teach others who aren’t as good or want to learn. (Helps with social skills and automatically makes you the ‘expert’).
  3. Branch out and do some new things that at some point to meet new people. I’m not saying you have to become good friends with them or try to date all the girls you meet, but you could enroll in a ballroom dance class. You’ll meet lots of girls, learn a good skill that will impress other girls, plus you can enhance your social skills. (This is just an example, you don’t have to do ballroom dancing, but something like this outside of your comfort zone is a good idea).
  4. Don’t worry so much when something goes wrong. If you tried your best and it didn’t go well…then you did all you can do and just move on. It isn’t worth dwelling on. Go do something fun.
  5. Just spend time with girls as friends and don’t try to date them or ask them out. It will help you become more confident with women in the future when you really want to date someone.
I’m sure there are other things you can do that may potentially help you out, but this is all I can think of at this time.
 
Jay82 said:
There isn’t some magic formula you can follow to all of a sudden be more confident. Unfortunately you can’t just follow steps XYZ and be good to go. Getting into a good place in life is different for everyone and it takes time. This won’t just happen with the flip of a switch. That being said…here are my thoughts:
  1. You probably think it is much worse than it really is since everyone tends to be more critical of themself.
  2. Do things that you are confident doing and expand upon them. Possibly even teach others who aren’t as good or want to learn. (Helps with social skills and automatically makes you the ‘expert’).
  3. Branch out and do some new things that at some point to meet new people. I’m not saying you have to become good friends with them or try to date all the girls you meet, but you could enroll in a ballroom dance class. You’ll meet lots of girls, learn a good skill that will impress other girls, plus you can enhance your social skills. (This is just an example, you don’t have to do ballroom dancing, but something like this outside of your comfort zone is a good idea).
  4. Don’t worry so much when something goes wrong. If you tried your best and it didn’t go well…then you did all you can do and just move on. It isn’t worth dwelling on. Go do something fun.
  5. Just spend time with girls as friends and don’t try to date them or ask them out. It will help you become more confident with women in the future when you really want to date someone.
I’m sure there are other things you can do that may potentially help you out, but this is all I can think of at this time.
Click to expand...
I know someone that says… “If you have an issue with a woman, go date 5 more and see if you care about said woman any more.”

I think that has truth in a lot of things.
 
Suspicious_Mind said:
One way to solve it is to try and p(name removed by moderator)oint the time when it started happening, and what made you start to develop that mindset.

Also, remember that from time to time we all do feel low, unwelcome and generally negative - it’s just a part of being human, especially if a couple of negative events happen in a short space of time.
Click to expand...
Throughout my two and a half years of Catholic middle school I was continually mocked, made fun of, ostracised, and literally had NO friends whatsoever. Moving to a public school helped a little but I was still mocked and made fun of along with some other, more personal problems.

Compare this to elementary school where I actually had friends and didn’t have these problems (although my parents divorced around this time).
 
LotusCarsLtd said:
Throughout my two and a half years of Catholic middle school I was continually mocked, made fun of, ostracised, and literally had NO friends whatsoever. Moving to a public school helped a little but I was still mocked and made fun of along with some other, more personal problems.

Compare this to elementary school where I actually had friends and didn’t have these problems (although my parents divorced around this time).
Click to expand...
Kids can be really dumb and mean. This type of behavior is a perfect example of it. It is a shame this kind of thing can have profound affects on us throughout life. The good thing is that this type of thing is in the past and it really boils down to kids just being mean/stupid. If you were placed back in school with all those kids again, I’m sure it wouldn’t happen to you or anyone else.

It may be something that is hard to get over, but that part of your life is done, try not to let it bother you. Whatever they did to mock you or make of fun you doesn’t apply now and it probably didn’t apply then too. Your friends now are what matters and it sounds like you have some good close friends.
 
I’m pretty sure that everyone has dealt with teasing. I personally spent three years in a quasi-hell when I lived in Minnesota. I lived in an anti-Semitic area and my father was Jewish at the time. Combine that with the fact that I was overweight, nerdy and lacked social skills… well it wasn’t a good time at all. I also was far from being a popular guy my last two years of high school or college.

But honestly, I just decided one day I’d say the hell with it and be who I am. Not like in the past where I’d be obnoxious and “stick it” to people that I am who I am, I would just go live my life. I just decided that I was going to start acting like a man and have done with the whole business of trying to find myself, fit-in or deliberately NOT fit in to try and win the outcast crowd over. I’d just let the chips fall where they may while I pursued things I liked. And to my amazement, once I did that I became more sociable and people liked me more. Sure, being a conservative on a liberal campus doesn’t endear you to many people and I was still “out there” with some of my antics in college, but I still got along fine with crowds ranging from the misfit liberal theater people to the athletes to the small group of conservative/religious people and even to the partiers. I only had a small circle of close friends, but at least I was civil with most people and the rest more or less left me alone. Of course, being 6’2, 215 lbs and known on campus for being a mixed martial artist tends to make people leave you alone too…
 
You might pick up a copy of See Yourself Through God’s Eyes written by Sr. Marie Paul Curley and see if that doesn’t help you see the larger picture and to step outside of yourself. Also, don’t feel alone in your struggles and I would wager that most people feel this way at some time in their lives and find ways to cope and grow through prayer.

Here’s a link to the book: pauline.org/SeeYourselfThroughGodsEyes/tabid/268/Default.aspx

Good luck!
 
LotusCarsLtd said:
So this is prompted by previous conversations I’ve had before with people. I have a lot of insecurities such as a lack of confidence, easily shattered confidence, lots of self doubt, occasional self-hate, and being uncomfortable in social situations. I also sometimes feel (erroneously, I know) that I am unwelcome even among friends. And people have rightly suggested I get over these problems.

My question is how. Ideas anyone? I wonder if, for me, this is largely a problem of perception (or misperception, perhaps). Any thoughts?
Click to expand...
It surely IS a problem of misperception. There is a ton of advice you can receive, but somehow I think that any advice based on anything other than the Truth of Christ will fall short. That includes advice coming from most secular-based psychiatrists, psychologists, self-help books, support groups and the like. Developing a perception of self as relative to other human beings alone will always be disordered. Discovering your self as you pertain to your Creator, well, that’s the pursuit of truth itself. Find out who you are as a son of the Most High God, and to heck with everyone else for now. Spend an hour with the Eucharistic Lord in Adoration. Talk to him. Be with him. Next week go back, Jack, do it again.

Follow your instinct at first with regard to what you need sacramentally. Don’t ever rationalize or minimize the power and grace of a good confession. Find a good priest, talk to him over a cup of coffee.

Without a strong understanding of why you were created (to know, love and serve God), you will never “get over these problems” in any meaningful or lasting way.

(And yes, I had a miserable time in Catholic school too. And my parents are divorced. And I had to look a long time to find God. And I found I need the Church, more than I need air to breathe.)

God bless, Tim
 
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