Getting over my boyfriend's sexual past

[mschocolat]

I have been with my boyfriend just over 1 year and 4 months. I’m 24 and he’s 23.
He told me from the beginning that he was not a virgin and I was and I still am because i told him i want to keep mine until marriage and he respects it(he’s still believes everything in Christian teaching but he stopped going to church around 16 years old when his favourite pastor passed) and I’m Catholic by the way.

At that time, my feelings for him weren’t that strong and I kind of treated him as someone who will eventually leave me so him being a non-virgin didn’t bother me much.

He lost his virginity around when he was 18 or 19 and was drunk and went out with the girl for about 2 or 3 months. He told me he felt guilty after it happened but soon got over it and when he got his 2nd girlfriend(i heard it was a rocky relationship of about 1 year and 2 months) she wanted sex and he wanted it too so they were sexually active.

He is my first boyfriend. Ever since I started realised i like him more and more and one day he told me he loves me and how i’m his first love, I started obsessing over his past.
I couldn’t understand how he could just lose his virginity while claiming that he believes in God.
As stupid and immature as it sounds, I really hate the fact that he had 2 girlfriends before me let alone losing his virginity while I waited 24 years of my life waiting for someone like him to come along just so that I can devout myself to him one day. It literally kills me inside that I’m thinking this while I still love him so much.

It’s come to a point now where he’s so sure that i’m the one for him and planning to spend the rest of our lives together once he gets his study and done and get a job.

I’m so lost and don’t know what to do with myself and this relationship anymore. He told me he regrets it and wish it was me whom he gave his virginity to and he just wants to think of me as the only girlfriend he has ever had but I still feel so nauseous just thinking about his sexual past as well as his past relationships because i don’t have any baggages from the past (first boyfriend) to give him and he has got nothing to complain or upset about. I feel like my intimacy with him is threatened because of what he used to do/have in the past.

Do I just get over this and stick to this relationship or ask God, miraculously to send someone with no past and no sexual past into my life?
Please help, I have no idea which one’s a wiser decision to make. Am i meant to stay single forever since i have a hard time dealing with one’s virginity let alone the emotional/physical things they shared with their exes?

 

[Xantippe]

This thread answers the same question, but for a newylywed woman who is struggling with her husband’s past.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=820806

I suggest reading the whole thing, seeking counseling, and thinking very seriously about this before moving forward. If you are going to hold this against your boyfriend for life, don’t marry him. Also, what does his practice of his faith look like? Is he doing it just for you, or would he go to church and go to confession even if you weren’t there? Once you had been married for some time, would he stop practicing his faith? In other respects, is he a good match? Does he have a good work ethic, can he support a family, do you have stuff in common besides being smitten with each other?

I also suggest reading the parable of the prodigal son again.

“Now his elder son was in the field; and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 And he called one of the servants and asked what this meant. 27 And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fatted calf, because he has received him safe and sound.’ 28 But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him, 29 but he answered his father, ‘Lo, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command; yet you never gave me a kid, that I might make merry with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your living with harlots, you killed for him the fatted calf!’”

Your boyfriend is kind of like the prodigal son, and you’re kind of like the elder son in the story.

“I still feel so nauseous just thinking about his sexual past as well as his past relationships because i don’t have any baggages from the past (first boyfriend) to give him and he has got nothing to complain or upset about.”

There are all sorts of different kinds of baggage: mental illness, phobias, quirks, physical illness, disability, addiction, bad habits, bad character (laziness, selfishness, being quick to anger, being unforgiving, etc.), weird family situations, bad credit, huge student loans, unfortunate genetic issues, etc. You and whoever you eventually marry will both have some sort of baggage. The only question is, what kind? I would really caution you to not focus on one kind of baggage, to the exclusion of all of the other kinds.

 

[EasterJoy]

OK, well first of all, you did not wait 24 years. Someone who resists her first opportunity at 16 and then remains a virgin until she marries at 40 waits 24 years. That’s not to denigrate your sacrifice so far, but an encouragement to resist over-dramatizing what you’ve done so far. You don’t have to think about it very long to realize that padding your spiritual resume is a very bad habit, so nip that one in the bud. (Of course I do not just mean with regards to sexual purity, but with regards to every aspect of righteousness. This is straight out of Christian Spirituality 101, but it is still the devil’s favorite strike-out pitch when up against an otherwise virtuous opponent.)

It is up to you whether or not to stick with this boyfriend as he is or to wait for someone else who has an untarnished record in the areas that are important to you. You’re looking for your husband, the person you really are going to give 24 or 48 or more years, and you are the one who gets to decide what you do and do not have to have before you say “I do”.

What you may not do is to punish him because he can’t do more than what he is doing: namely, repent, amend, and come clean to those who have some actual right to know. He can’t do anything more than what he’s done, excepting of course to keep his mouth shut as much as humanly possible about the existence of anyone else before you if you ask him to do so. He’s told you about them, very good. Now he can be quiet.

Your decision is not whether to marry this fellow or hold out for a fellow virgin, because while he has talked a big show about the future–ah, Romeo!! what fellow who really falls in love hasn’t done that?–this fellow hasn’t actually asked you to marry him yet. You can’t just assume that you check all of his boxes. For instance, when you say, “I don’t have any baggage from the past…to give him and he has got nothing to complain or upset about,” you are quite mistaken. Your baggage is that you’ve been a virgin and instead of being thankful that you’ve been delivered from temptation, you are spouting stuff like “24 years of my life”. You’re holding the contrast between your virginity and his failure to remain a virgin over his head, and it may not be long before he comes to his senses and asks himself: “In a world full of nice Catholic girls who have amended themselves after a limited run of stupid just like I have, who needs this?”

Your decision is whether to let go of his past and perhaps hold on to him or to hold on to concern over his past and let go of him. I would encourage you to be gentle with yourself, because the first time you run into this feeling it can come as quite a shock, but that is your task. Why? Because you are leading him to believe you have a long-term interest in him, and that implies that you will take him as he is and be willing to keep him if he gets worse. If you realize you can’t do that, then you have to let him go, so he can find someone who can. Nothing against you if you decide you have to marry a fellow virgin, that is OK, but if you stay you have to let go of this and be willing to confront it and beat again when you get married and feel it all over again when you actually get into the marital bed with this fellow and his past.

You do not have to stay, it doesn’t make either of you a bad person if you elect not to stay, but you owe that much to him, if you do stay. You deserve time to work through your feelings, you deserve compassion while you work through your feelings, you deserve to grieve what is a real loss to you, but you don’t deserve to not work through them if you stay. That, you have to do, because he deserves no less from you.

I hope that makes sense?

 

[Rau]

I have been with my boyfriend just over 1 year and 4 months. I’m 24 and he’s 23.
He told me from the beginning that he was not a virgin and I was and I still am because i told him i want to keep mine until marriage and he respects it(he’s still believes everything in Christian teaching but he stopped going to church around 16 years old when his favourite pastor passed) and I’m Catholic by the way.

At that time, my feelings for him weren’t that strong and I kind of treated him as someone who will eventually leave me so him being a non-virgin didn’t bother me much.

He lost his virginity around when he was 18 or 19 and was drunk and went out with the girl for about 2 or 3 months. He told me he felt guilty after it happened but soon got over it and when he got his 2nd girlfriend(i heard it was a rocky relationship of about 1 year and 2 months) she wanted sex and he wanted it too so they were sexually active.

He is my first boyfriend. Ever since I started realised i like him more and more and one day he told me he loves me and how i’m his first love, I started obsessing over his past.
I couldn’t understand how he could just lose his virginity while claiming that he believes in God.
As stupid and immature as it sounds, I really hate the fact that he had 2 girlfriends before me let alone losing his virginity while I waited 24 years of my life waiting for someone like him to come along just so that I can devout myself to him one day. It literally kills me inside that I’m thinking this while I still love him so much.

It’s come to a point now where he’s so sure that i’m the one for him and planning to spend the rest of our lives together once he gets his study and done and get a job.

I’m so lost and don’t know what to do with myself and this relationship anymore. He told me he regrets it and wish it was me whom he gave his virginity to and he just wants to think of me as the only girlfriend he has ever had but I still feel so nauseous just thinking about his sexual past as well as his past relationships because i don’t have any baggages from the past (first boyfriend) to give him and he has got nothing to complain or upset about. I feel like my intimacy with him is threatened because of what he used to do/have in the past.

Do I just get over this and stick to this relationship or ask God, miraculously to send someone with no past and no sexual past into my life?
Please help, I have no idea which one’s a wiser decision to make. Am i meant to stay single forever since i have a hard time dealing with one’s virginity let alone the emotional/physical things they shared with their exes?

You are 24, so your age should not of itself create any pressure on you to progress a relationship, or fear you might be left on the shelf!

Why do you begrudge the fact that he had girlfriends before you (leaving aside the pre-marital sex for the moment)? How on earth can he be at fault for meeting girl x before you, and being attracted to her, spending time with her socially, etc. It would be no less logical for him to resent you for not being his first girlfriend! I think a first step for you is to think about this issue and convince yourself that your position is utterly unreasonable. I’d be concerned if you hang on to this resentment, for I’d be fearful of how this thinking might manifest later on in a relationship. It might be something you need to talk to someone about (a counsellor, priest, etc.)

As for his past pre-marital sex, your unease about that is rational, but the fact of his transgressions need not be fatal for your relationship with him now. I’d suggest the drunken episode is not relevant given a little later he engaged more deliberately in pre-marital sex with girlfriend nbr 2. But what matters is not that he sinned in the past, but the person he is now (the best guide to the future). Is he now saying that he entirely renounces pre-marital sex, or is he just saying he’d rather it had been you he’d sinned with?

So, while the person he is “now” is what matters, I don’t think I can say what standard he has to meet. For example, it may the case that he might accept pre-marital sex were that acceptable to you, but that he would also absolutely respect and accept your position and apply no pressure. Is that acceptable to you? And what of other issues that a couple you’d need to agree on. Have these come up in discussion?

Be somewhat forgiving about his past, but take the time now to understand the man he is today, and how that matches your expectations and needs for the future.

 

[EasterJoy]

…I suggest reading the whole thing, seeking counseling, and thinking very seriously about this before moving forward. If you are going to hold this against your boyfriend for life, don’t marry him…

Your boyfriend is kind of like the prodigal son, and you’re kind of like the elder son in the story…I would really caution you to not focus on one kind of baggage, to the exclusion of all of the other kinds.

This is true. OP, you might not “need” counseling to accept this situation, but I have learned that saying this stuff out loud to someone willing to ask you well-chosen blunt questions about your assumptions can certainly hurry the process along, with the great advantage that the counselor will never breathe a word about anything that comes out of your mouth, no matter how unflattering you might find it in retrospect. When you finally realize that a counselor is someone who is not interested in having you impress him or her with what an exemplary person you are–and we all do it!–that makes total humbling honesty somewhat easier to access. Still, you might get to the same place in a relatively short amount of time with your confessor. He’s heard it all; you won’t shock him.

I would caution a virgin reading that thread, however, because a few posters are what I think is a bit too hard on the woman struggling with her new husband’s past. You do have to get accept your boyfriend’s past if you hope to have a good marriage and treat him as he deserves to be treated, but it is understandable if learning to do that isn’t easy. The father in the story of the prodigal son had compassion on the elder son, too…that is why he went out to talk to him, instead of leaving him alone. We are all loved by God, no matter which blindness afflicts us in this moment.

BTW, OP: In the end, you do have to get beyond this, and simply marrying a fellow virgin will not *entirely *solve the problem. You still have to be able to accept and love fellow Christians who have fallen into the sins that your boyfriend has committed. It might be your daughter, it might be a co-worker who needs a compassionate ear, you don’t know who it might be, but you do have to be ready to extend the love of God to someone who has fallen to this sin and seeks to repent and amend and return to God’s grace. You don’t have to be able to marry them, but you have to be able to love the repentant fornicator or adulterer, and look past this sin, because you’re going to be asked to do that more than once in your life. Don’t forget that, OK?

 

[mschocolat]

This thread answers the same question, but for a newylywed woman who is struggling with her husband’s past.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=820806

I suggest reading the whole thing, seeking counseling, and thinking very seriously about this before moving forward. If you are going to hold this against your boyfriend for life, don’t marry him. Also, what does his practice of his faith look like? Is he doing it just for you, or would he go to church and go to confession even if you weren’t there? Once you had been married for some time, would he stop practicing his faith? In other respects, is he a good match? Does he have a good work ethic, can he support a family, do you have stuff in common besides being smitten with each other?

I also suggest reading the parable of the prodigal son again.

“Now his elder son was in the field; and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 And he called one of the servants and asked what this meant. 27 And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fatted calf, because he has received him safe and sound.’ 28 But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him, 29 but he answered his father, ‘Lo, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command; yet you never gave me a kid, that I might make merry with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your living with harlots, you killed for him the fatted calf!’”

Your boyfriend is kind of like the prodigal son, and you’re kind of like the elder son in the story.

“I still feel so nauseous just thinking about his sexual past as well as his past relationships because i don’t have any baggages from the past (first boyfriend) to give him and he has got nothing to complain or upset about.”

There are all sorts of different kinds of baggage: mental illness, phobias, quirks, physical illness, disability, addiction, bad habits, bad character (laziness, selfishness, being quick to anger, being unforgiving, etc.), weird family situations, bad credit, huge student loans, unfortunate genetic issues, etc. You and whoever you eventually marry will both have some sort of baggage. The only question is, what kind? I would really caution you to not focus on one kind of baggage, to the exclusion of all of the other kinds.

Of course, every has some kinds of baggage like you listed here and he definitely has some baggages regarding his character(he can be really cold at times, unemotional, constantly forgetting important dates) but his sexual baggage is the hardest deal with for now however I have no doubt about how he’s not going to be a good husband material and we are both mature enough to know what involves in marriage. We discussed many times how our life together is going to be a lot harder than it is now and how it could tear us apart due to whatever difficulty we are going through.

 

[Cathoholic]

Try to set your feelings aside and look at the principles of the situation. I think your “feelings” of concern are appropriate, but get past those emotions and look at the principles involved.

The principles may just verify your feelings (or if there are other principles you have not stated here, you’re feelings may be unjustified—I am not saying either way).

In principle . . . .

If someone thinks it’s OK to have sexual relations outside of the realm of marriage, in the future they may just . . . . have sexual relations outside of the realm of marriage (after all, it’s “OK” in their mind). Nobody wants a husband that is an adulterer (again just principles, not necessarily your situation. Read on and find out why).

Presumably your boyfriend regrets either his fornication OR he regrets WHO he fornicated with. There is a BIG difference.

You stated your boyfriend said:

He told me he regrets it and wish it was me whom he gave his virginity to . . .

IF (I am not saying that this is correct, I am just saying IF what YOU said is correct) I am taking this statement contextually accurately it sounds like he STILL may think it’s OK to have sexual relations outside of the realm of marriage. If this is so, it is NOT a substantial change from his past. It is just a different person he wishes he could fornicate with (in this case you). If this is the case I would not go deeper into this relationship (and would get out now before he is your husband).

It is too bad he didn’t say:

He told me he regrets it and wish it was me whom he gave his virginity to AFTER WE WERE MARRIED. . .

I don’t know what his interior life is like. I am just going by what I read.

My advice? Find a good FAITHFUL Catholic Priest, make a good complete Confession and tell Jesus personally about your concerns at Eucharistic Adoration. Try some fasting with the OK of your Confessor (maybe bread and water lunches privately a couple of days a week—I say privately as you don’t want to make a “show” of yourself at the cafeteria at work or wherever). Pray the Rosary and ask the Blessed Virgin Mary to safeguard your holy virginity until Jesus’ will would have you surrender it in the context of a Sacramental Marriage or retain it depending upon what you discern as Jesus’ will in your life.

See if there are any consecrated virgins (find out more here) in your area to talk to, or seek out a faithful virginal nun–not just any nun but a FAITHFUL and devout nun who has preserved her virginity and cherishes that gift. Just be open and honest and ask her about it before getting too much advice (“I am looking for a sister who cherishes and has her virginity to talk with. Sister, could you recommend one to me that would be willing to visit?”). This will help you make sure the woman offering you advice has a virgin’s perspective and also loves virginity as you do. The late Fr. Hardon says God gives special gifts and graces to virgins that He gives to nobody else (I may try to find the link for you and if I do I’ll come back here and post it for you but here are some of Fr. Hardon’s audios in general). She (the fellow virgin) it is who will be good at giving “woman to woman” advice in the context of sacred virginity.

I am not advocating being unforgiving either. We are called to forgive. But if he is not repentant in principle of what he has done, I would forgive him anyway and pray for him, but ALSO NOT pursue a relationship with him (I would drop him if I were you if this is the case and not consider marriage with him).

Hope this all helps and I will keep you and your boyfriend in my prayers.

God bless.

Cathoholic

PS Fr. Hardon has some initial advice on this topic here too primarily dealing with religious, but you can secondarily apply this to not only your boyfriend but yourself too.

 

[mschocolat]

OK, well first of all, you did not wait 24 years. Someone who resists her first opportunity at 16 and then remains a virgin until she marries at 40 waits 24 years. That’s not to denigrate your sacrifice so far, but an encouragement to resist over-dramatizing what you’ve done so far. You don’t have to think about it very long to realize that padding your spiritual resume is a very bad habit, so nip that one in the bud. (Of course I do not just mean with regards to sexual purity, but with regards to every aspect of righteousness. This is straight out of Christian Spirituality 101, but it is still the devil’s favorite strike-out pitch when up against an otherwise virtuous opponent.)

It is up to you whether or not to stick with this boyfriend as he is or to wait for someone else who has an untarnished record in the areas that are important to you. You’re looking for your husband, the person you really are going to give 24 or 48 or more years, and you are the one who gets to decide what you do and do not have to have before you say “I do”.

What you may not do is to punish him because he can’t do more than what he is doing: namely, repent, amend, and come clean to those who have some actual right to know. He can’t do anything more than what he’s done, excepting of course to keep his mouth shut as much as humanly possible about the existence of anyone else before you if you ask him to do so. He’s told you about them, very good. Now he can be quiet.

Your decision is not whether to marry this fellow or hold out for a fellow virgin, because while he has talked a big show about the future–ah, Romeo!! what fellow who really falls in love hasn’t done that?–this fellow hasn’t actually asked you to marry him yet. You can’t just assume that you check all of his boxes. For instance, when you say, “I don’t have any baggage from the past…to give him and he has got nothing to complain or upset about,” you are quite mistaken. Your baggage is that you’ve been a virgin and instead of being thankful that you’ve been delivered from temptation, you are spouting stuff like “24 years of my life”. You’re holding the contrast between your virginity and his failure to remain a virgin over his head, and it may not be long before he comes to his senses and asks himself: “In a world full of nice Catholic girls who have amended themselves after a limited run of stupid just like I have, who needs this?”

Your decision is whether to let go of his past and perhaps hold on to him or to hold on to concern over his past and let go of him. I would encourage you to be gentle with yourself, because the first time you run into this feeling it can come as quite a shock, but that is your task. Why? Because you are leading him to believe you have a long-term interest in him, and that implies that you will take him as he is and be willing to keep him if he gets worse. If you realize you can’t do that, then you have to let him go, so he can find someone who can. Nothing against you if you decide you have to marry a fellow virgin, that is OK, but if you stay you have to let go of this and be willing to confront it and beat again when you get married and feel it all over again when you actually get into the marital bed with this fellow and his past.

You do not have to stay, it doesn’t make either of you a bad person if you elect not to stay, but you owe that much to him, if you do stay. You deserve time to work through your feelings, you deserve compassion while you work through your feelings, you deserve to grieve what is a real loss to you, but you don’t deserve to not work through them if you stay. That, you have to do, because he deserves no less from you.

I hope that makes sense?

I kind of understand what you are getting at and thanks for the response.
Yes, any guys can say to their girlfriend that he wants his future with her but I know for sure that he is serious. We both know that we are not financially stable yet and possibly emotionally not ready to have a family; he’s still at college and I have a degree i want to pursue before I settle down. He once asked me though, if I would say yes if he asks me to marry him that moment. As much as we want to be together, the fact is that no one can predict our future.

He really appreciates that I have kept my virginity and I really know that he’s so happy with me. Although I might get upset at little things at times, I hate it when he says how he doesn’t deserve me, why i like him, he’s a screw-up. That’s when all my hatred becomes crumbling down because i hate seeing him like that and literally makes me cry

 

[mschocolat]

You are 24, so your age should not of itself create any pressure on you to progress a relationship, or fear you might be left on the shelf!

Why do you begrudge the fact that he had girlfriends before you (leaving aside the pre-marital sex for the moment)? How on earth can he be at fault for meeting girl x before you, and being attracted to her, spending time with her socially, etc. It would be no less logical for him to resent you for not being his first girlfriend! I think a first step for you is to think about this issue and convince yourself that your position is utterly unreasonable. I’d be concerned if you hang on to this resentment, for I’d be fearful of how this thinking might manifest later on in a relationship. It might be something you need to talk to someone about (a counsellor, priest, etc.)

I know it’s unreasonable and I have no idea how to get rid of this feeling. I feel better for some time and it just goes down again and seems like a never ending cycle for the last 6 or 7 months.

for his past pre-marital sex, your unease about that is rational, but the fact of his transgressions need not be fatal for your relationship with him now. I’d suggest the drunken episode is not relevant given a little later he engaged more deliberately in pre-marital sex with girlfriend nbr 2. But what matters is not that he sinned in the past, but the person he is now (the best guide to the future). Is he now saying that he entirely renounces pre-marital sex, or is he just saying he’d rather it had been you he’d sinned with?

He, of course says he’d rather have sinned with me because he’s so sure that he wants to spend the rest of life with me.

, while the person he is “now” is what matters, I don’t think I can say what standard he has to meet. For example, it may the case that he might accept pre-marital sex were that acceptable to you, but that he would also absolutely respect and accept your position and apply no pressure. Is that acceptable to you? And what of other issues that a couple you’d need to agree on. Have these come up in discussion?

He’s happy with whatever I say regarding sex. If I said yes, he’d happily agree and if I said no, he won’t ever pressure me and happy to wait until marriage. We had a lot of discussions on this issue. He personally feels that if you truly love the person, it is okay to engage in sexual act, I used to think the same for some time before I met him but because of this whole virginity issue, I completely turned around because if I don’t end up with my boyfriend and gave me virginity away and miraculously met a virgin guy, I don’t want him to go through the same hardship that I’m going through now.

 

[heidi_storage]

I have no doubt about how he’s not going to be a good husband material and we are both mature enough to know what involves in marriage. We discussed many times how our life together is going to be a lot harder than it is now and how it could tear us apart due to whatever difficulty we are going through.

If he’s not going to be good husband material, why are you with him? Cut the poor guy loose so he (and you) can date people who might actually be compatible spouses.

 

[mschocolat]

Try to set your feelings aside and look at the principles of the situation. I think your “feelings” of concern are appropriate, but get past those emotions and look at the principles involved.

The principles may just verify your feelings (or if there are other principles you have not stated here, you’re feelings may be unjustified—I am not saying either way).

In principle . . . .

If someone thinks it’s OK to have sexual relations outside of the realm of marriage, in the future they may just . . . . have sexual relations outside of the realm of marriage (after all, it’s “OK” in their mind). Nobody wants a husband that is an adulterer (again just principles, not necessarily your situation. Read on and find out why).

Presumably your boyfriend regrets either his fornication OR he regrets WHO he fornicated with. There is a BIG difference.

You stated your boyfriend said:

IF (I am not saying that this is correct, I am just saying IF what YOU said is correct) I am taking this statement contextually accurately it sounds like he STILL may think it’s OK to have sexual relations outside of the realm of marriage. If this is so, it is NOT a substantial change from his past. It is just a different person he wishes he could fornicate with (in this case you). If this is the case I would not go deeper into this relationship (and would get out now before he is your husband).

Actually you are on the right track. He wishes I was the one he gave his virginity to and that we were each other’s firsts. I mentioned in the comment above but he does think it’s okay to have sex outside marriage IF you truly love the person.
He might have changed his mind after his previous relationships because the feelings he have for me is completely new and different and deeper than the past; he knows what love really feels like so maybe he’s okay with it.
BUT, he would never force me into anything that I don’t want.

I do not know how to make my decisions based on what i’ve heard so far and thought about. It is so complicated. He’s often scared that I will leave him and gets into worrying mode and by nature, I can’t see the person I love suffer because what i did to them.
I know I will get depressed after the break up but for now, I’m just praying and leaving it up to God. I prayed that if my boyfriend is the one he sent for me then, give me a wisdom and courage to get past this issue of mine. If not, find me the best person he could send me, yet bless my boyfriend and look out for him and lead him to happy life.

The bottom line is that, it would be my dream to get married to my current boyfriend, he will be my first boyfriend and the only husband and I would not have any excess emotional baggages from jumping from one guy to another and I definitely DO NOT want my future husband to have the same problem I’m having because I know how terrible it feels.

I feel so stuck and sad because I just can’t tell my boyfriend about this issue, well he knows how I have a problem with his past but I don’t want us to go through the same problem over and over again and tire him out.

Thank you, I really need lots and lots of prayers.

 

[mschocolat]

If he’s not going to be good husband material, why are you with him? Cut the poor guy loose so he (and you) can date people who might actually be compatible spouses.

Sorry, I must have made a mistake. I was meant to say, how he is going to be good husband

 

[wheels10]

Actually you are on the right track. He wishes I was the one he gave his virginity to and that we were each other’s firsts. I mentioned in the comment above but he does think it’s okay to have sex outside marriage IF you truly love the person.
He might have changed his mind after his previous relationships because the feelings he have for me is completely new and different and deeper than the past; he knows what love really feels like so maybe he’s okay with it.
BUT, he would never force me into anything that I don’t want.

I do not know how to make my decisions based on what i’ve heard so far and thought about. It is so complicated. He’s often scared that I will leave him and gets into worrying mode and by nature, I can’t see the person I love suffer because what i did to them.
I know I will get depressed after the break up but for now, I’m just praying and leaving it up to God. I prayed that if my boyfriend is the one he sent for me then, give me a wisdom and courage to get past this issue of mine. If not, find me the best person he could send me, yet bless my boyfriend and look out for him and lead him to happy life.

The bottom line is that, it would be my dream to get married to my current boyfriend, he will be my first boyfriend and the only husband and I would not have any excess emotional baggages from jumping from one guy to another and I definitely DO NOT want my future husband to have the same problem I’m having because I know how terrible it feels.

I feel so stuck and sad because I just can’t tell my boyfriend about this issue, well he knows how I have a problem with his past but I don’t want us to go through the same problem over and over again and tire him out.

Thank you, I really need lots and lots of prayers.

One question you may want to ask him is if the tables were turned, ie. he was a virgin and you were not, would he still marry you? You may not get an honest answer from him but at least he may think a little more about what he’s actually asking you to do.

God Bless.

 

[Rau]

The bottom line is that, it would be my dream to get married to my current boyfriend, he will be my first boyfriend and the only husband and I would not have any excess emotional baggages from jumping from one guy to another and I definitely DO NOT want my future husband to have the same problem I’m having because I know how terrible it feels.

There is NO particular merit in marrying your first boyfriend, and some would argue it is a little riskier due to a lack of experience in relationships. There need not be any “emotional baggage” attached to having had a prior boyfriend. I do think this is something you may need to talk with a counsellor about, as these thoughts seem to be persistent.

Whatever happens, “jumping from one guy to another” is not recommended (ie. it’s better to take any such transition, should it happen, slowly), but nothing you’ve told us about yourself suggests that is likely to happen.

 

[Peter12rb]

Try flipping the argument:

Imagine your boyfriend comes on to this forum and says ‘I’ve met this amazing woman who I want to marry, but she admitted to me that she sinned at some point in her past and I just can’t stop thinking about it! How can she say she loves God and is a sinner?’

I must say, if even the Pope admits that he’s first and foremost a sinner, then you’ll never get God to send you someone who isn’t a sinner in some way. Please be gracious enough to forgive your boyfriend for the sins he’s committed between himself and God. I have no way to know if he’s ‘the one’ for you, but a past sexual indiscretion should never be a reason not to marry someone, provided he regrets his mistakes (he does), his views are they same as yours (it sounds like they are), and he has every intention to live a good life going forward.

Sexual purity is important, but purity that’s lost can be regained if one is forgiven by God. If God were to forgive your boyfriend, would you be able to do any less?

 

[Prodigal_Son]

For what it’s worth, I think that the FAR more important question is whether your boyfriend is marriage material. What signs do you have about his emotional and spiritual maturity? If this stuff is really in the past, then you need to forgive and move on. But sexual failures in the past can be indicators of real problems in the present.

 

[mschocolat]

One question you may want to ask him is if the tables were turned, ie. he was a virgin and you were not, would he still marry you? You may not get an honest answer from him but at least he may think a little more about what he’s actually asking you to do.

God Bless.

Very good point. I haven’t asked him but I’m pretty sure about his answer. He’s really cool about someone making a past mistake but looks at the person who she/he is today and he wouldn’t care less about my virginity. I told him about my crush before (what his name was, showed his pictures because he’s on my facebook) and he was fine with it.

 

[mschocolat]

There is NO particular merit in marrying your first boyfriend, and some would argue it is a little riskier due to a lack of experience in relationships. There need not be any “emotional baggage” attached to having had a prior boyfriend. I do think this is something you may need to talk with a counsellor about, as these thoughts seem to be persistent.

Whatever happens, “jumping from one guy to another” is not recommended (ie. it’s better to take any such transition, should it happen, slowly), but nothing you’ve told us about yourself suggests that is likely to happen.

Nope, i would never jump from one guy to another.
I know it’s not mostly common but I come from a background where my parents were each other’s first relationship(and they are very happy) and so many of my friends are either engaged or married to their first boyfriend (and for the guys too) so I feel so at unease thinking about this.

 

[mschocolat]

Try flipping the argument:

Imagine your boyfriend comes on to this forum and says ‘I’ve met this amazing woman who I want to marry, but she admitted to me that she sinned at some point in her past and I just can’t stop thinking about it! How can she say she loves God and is a sinner?’

I must say, if even the Pope admits that he’s first and foremost a sinner, then you’ll never get God to send you someone who isn’t a sinner in some way. Please be gracious enough to forgive your boyfriend for the sins he’s committed between himself and God. I have no way to know if he’s ‘the one’ for you, but a past sexual indiscretion should never be a reason not to marry someone, provided he regrets his mistakes (he does), his views are they same as yours (it sounds like they are), and he has every intention to live a good life going forward.

Sexual purity is important, but purity that’s lost can be regained if one is forgiven by God. If God were to forgive your boyfriend, would you be able to do any less?

I think so, if God could just tell me that everything’s going to be okay and that this is something that i will eventually overcome, I want to do everything it takes to change my view about this past. Even now, I’m trying really hard, I don’t want to just give up on someone who loves me so much and I love him too.

 

[mschocolat]

For what it’s worth, I think that the FAR more important question is whether your boyfriend is marriage material. What signs do you have about his emotional and spiritual maturity? If this stuff is really in the past, then you need to forgive and move on. But sexual failures in the past can be indicators of real problems in the present.

His emotional and spiritual maturity are on the same level as me and our moral values are very similar, if not, very much the same. This is just a pure problem about the past. Nothing more than that.

And what do you mean by “sexual failures in the past can be indicators of real problems in the present”? Do you mean that he could potentially cheat or force me into having unwanted sex?