Getting over my boyfriend's sexual past

[Lasting_faith]

You love him, and he love you? What is the problem. We can’t choose people by their past when our heart say “that’s the right one”. He have not done wrong against you, I mean, he did not know you at that time he was “active” with two girls that don’t mean as much as you do to him, if they would he would not be your BF. What he did is between God and him, not you. You do not sin if you love him. Life is not that complicated as people often make it. As my son say: “keep it simple”. In this case, be happy that you have someone to love, and someone who love you. Nodoby here know if you will marry him one day, but never mind, what is important is today. We all have a past, we all have done someting wrong. Don’t make it so hard, love him and he love you, and that is all that really matter.

 

[vsedriver]

The bottom line is that, it would be my dream to get married to my current boyfriend, he will be my first boyfriend and the only husband and I would not have any excess emotional baggages from jumping from one guy to another and I definitely DO NOT want my future husband to have the same problem I’m having because I know how terrible it feels.

I feel so stuck and sad because I just can’t tell my boyfriend about this issue, well he knows how I have a problem with his past but I don’t want us to go through the same problem over and over again and tire him out.

Thank you, I really need lots and lots of prayers.

I think your subconscious telling you this is not the right guy. When we are truly in love we are blind to a lot of our loved one’s faults. The fact that this issue is giving you such cause for concern could be that God is telling you he’s not the one. You are very, very young although you might not feel that way. You’ve only dated this one man. Dating is to discern whether this person should be your spouse.

Although it sounds mean, hard, and scary I think you need to take a break and date other men. There is something else about this man’s character that is bothering you. You’re just using his past as an easy means to keep him at a distance.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

His emotional and spiritual maturity are on the same level as me and our moral values are very similar, if not, very much the same. This is just a pure problem about the past. Nothing more than that.

And what do you mean by “sexual failures in the past can be indicators of real problems in the present”? Do you mean that he could potentially cheat or force me into having unwanted sex?

No, I mean that he may have problems with pornography, or some such thing. Such problems are extremely common, but they do create really significant issues within a marriage.

 

[Xantippe]

“He’s happy with whatever I say regarding sex. If I said yes, he’d happily agree and if I said no, he won’t ever pressure me and happy to wait until marriage. We had a lot of discussions on this issue. He personally feels that if you truly love the person, it is okay to engage in sexual act, I used to think the same for some time before I met him but because of this whole virginity issue, I completely turned around because if I don’t end up with my boyfriend and gave me virginity away and miraculously met a virgin guy, I don’t want him to go through the same hardship that I’m going through now.”

It sounds like you care more about virginity than about whether or not he is a faithful Catholic. For me, and for 95% of the people on the forum, this remark makes the warning lights and sirens start flashing and honking: “He personally feels that if you truly love the person, it is okay to engage in sexual act.” Putting his past aside, is it a good idea for you to marry somebody who thinks like that? What if he down the road decides that he “truly” loves your best friend or your sister or some random woman at work? I would be worried even about a virgin who had that theory.

I think you may be so infatuated with him or so flattered by the compliment of him wishing he’d lost his virginity to you that you’re not thinking clearly about how terrible this stuff is for your future relationship. Imagine that the two of you have teenage kids down the road. What will you tell them about sex? What will dad tell them? Think about that and start worrying.

 

[MaryT777]

This thread answers the same question, but for a newylywed woman who is struggling with her husband’s past.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=820806

I suggest reading the whole thing, seeking counseling, and thinking very seriously about this before moving forward. If you are going to hold this against your boyfriend for life, don’t marry him. Also, what does his practice of his faith look like? Is he doing it just for you, or would he go to church and go to confession even if you weren’t there? Once you had been married for some time, would he stop practicing his faith? In other respects, is he a good match? Does he have a good work ethic, can he support a family, do you have stuff in common besides being smitten with each other?

I also suggest reading the parable of the prodigal son again.

“Now his elder son was in the field; and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 And he called one of the servants and asked what this meant. 27 And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fatted calf, because he has received him safe and sound.’ 28 But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him, 29 but he answered his father, ‘Lo, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command; yet you never gave me a kid, that I might make merry with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your living with harlots, you killed for him the fatted calf!’”

Your boyfriend is kind of like the prodigal son, and you’re kind of like the elder son in the story.

“I still feel so nauseous just thinking about his sexual past as well as his past relationships because i don’t have any baggages from the past (first boyfriend) to give him and he has got nothing to complain or upset about.”

There are all sorts of different kinds of baggage: mental illness, phobias, quirks, physical illness, disability, addiction, bad habits, bad character (laziness, selfishness, being quick to anger, being unforgiving, etc.), weird family situations, bad credit, huge student loans, unfortunate genetic issues, etc. You and whoever you eventually marry will both have some sort of baggage. The only question is, what kind? I would really caution you to not focus on one kind of baggage, to the exclusion of all of the other kinds.

Well said.

 

[Xantippe]

mschocolat said:

“I know it’s not mostly common but I come from a background where my parents were each other’s first relationship(and they are very happy) and so many of my friends are either engaged or married to their first boyfriend (and for the guys too) so I feel so at unease thinking about this.”

I would definitely shelve the idea of marrying the first person you date. If we only needed to date one person before marriage, there’d be no need for dating.

vsedriver said:

“Although it sounds mean, hard, and scary I think you need to take a break and date other men.”

Yes. The OP thinks he’s the one for her, but she hasn’t dated other guys, so isn’t in a position to know if he’s better or worse than other guys.

 

[Xantippe]

Here’s another question for reflection. Let’s say that the two of you marry and have kids and then you are tragically killed in an accident (or die of cancer or whatever). Imagine him raising your hypothetical kids. Are you happy with the stuff you see him doing in your imagination? When I do that with my non-hypothetical husband, the picture I see is that the kids are late to school a lot, he doesn’t bother with a lot of school stuff, and the kids’ bedtime is later than I would like, but morally speaking, things are OK. Can you say the same thing?

 

[on_the_hill]

I think so, if God could just tell me that everything’s going to be okay and that this is something that i will eventually overcome, I want to do everything it takes to change my view about this past. Even now, I’m trying really hard, I don’t want to just give up on someone who loves me so much and I love him too.

Aye, there’s the rub. God isn’t going to tell you. Unless he already has. You met someone you love who loves you. Like every human ever born, aside from one, he sinned. Unlike the vast majority, he repented.

So you love a man, he loves you, he sinned, he repented. What more can you ask regarding that? If he were a car thief who repented, would you still feel this way?

 

[JHow]

Geez, the answer is not that hard. All the people suggesting counseling, etc. are wasting your time. That you have to ask the question to a bunch of anonymous people online shows that you do not like his sexual past, so it is a problem already. Dump him, post haste. This is not a case Christian charity or forgiving and forgetting - your future children do not need the chaos and immaturity that your boyfriend has already displayed.

 

[mschocolat]

I really do not have any problem with his personality and I am aware that marriage changes people’s characters but that means I will change too and it will be something we need to work on and compromise.

He may be the one or he may not. But no one can foresee what’s to come. For now, I know that I love him and I would love to spend my life with him next to me and that’s why I’m trying to get over this problem or if there’s a better option of finding someone I’m looking for, leave him. I’m sorry but I’m just so lost as to how to deal with this situation.

One day, I try to accept everything and I’m okay then the next day, I start developing images of how he was with other people and looking at him, I start imagining how others used to touch him, hug him the way I do etc…

I just want this feeling to go away (((
It will eventually affect our relationship and I will lose him because what i did and it will be something i will regret forever.

Is it better to talk to a priest or a relationship counsellor?

 

[mschocolat]

Geez, the answer is not that hard. All the people suggesting counseling, etc. are wasting your time. That you have to ask the question to a bunch of anonymous people online shows that you do not like his sexual past, so it is a problem already. Dump him, post haste. This is not a case Christian charity or forgiving and forgetting - your future children do not need the chaos and immaturity that your boyfriend has already displayed.

He may have been immature in the past but he’s changed a lot in the last 4 years.
I guess the problem is that I cannot accept his actions of immaturity from the past.
Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut but it is not that simple, I can’t just dump the person without trying except cheating

 

[mschocolat]

mschocolat said:

“I know it’s not mostly common but I come from a background where my parents were each other’s first relationship(and they are very happy) and so many of my friends are either engaged or married to their first boyfriend (and for the guys too) so I feel so at unease thinking about this.”

I would definitely shelve the idea of marrying the first person you date. If we only needed to date one person before marriage, there’d be no need for dating.

vsedriver said:

“Although it sounds mean, hard, and scary I think you need to take a break and date other men.”

Yes. The OP thinks he’s the one for her, but she hasn’t dated other guys, so isn’t in a position to know if he’s better or worse than other guys.

I’m not saying people should disregard dating and just marry the first person you meet. I’m just explaining how my view point of marriage could have come about. I can’t change the people I grew up around and the ideal marriage scene that has been formed due to the surrounding.

So are you saying you need to date a lot in order to find the right person?
I totally disagree with that idea and the whole thing about soulmates. Two individuals coming together; of course, it’s going to be difficult, even twins have different personalities and tastes. It’s about how much commitment and effort you want to put into a relationahip that makes a huge difference after you say you love each other.
As I mentioned, I have seen lots of happy long term relationships with their firsts and happy marriages as well.

 

[Xantippe]

mschocolate said:

“I really do not have any problem with his personality and I am aware that marriage changes people’s characters but that means I will change too and it will be something we need to work on and compromise.”

I wouldn’t say that marriage changes people’s characters, but it does allow them to appear more vividly. Right now, you are both on your best behavior and both ridiculously eager to please each other because 1) you are in the first flush of LOVE and 2) you don’t have a lot of other stuff on your plate (housekeeping, kids, money trouble, etc.) 3) everything about your beloved is cute, even his faults, even the stuff that 15 years from now will make you want to bury him in a shallow grave. What you are seeing is your boyfriend at his very, very best, and he’s seeing you at your very best. 5 or 10 years from now, even the best husband won’t be trying nearly that hard.

“Is it better to talk to a priest or a relationship counsellor?”

You don’t need to choose–do both.

“So are you saying you need to date a lot in order to find the right person?
I totally disagree with that idea and the whole thing about soulmates.”

No, you don’t need need to date “a lot.” You just need to date enough to find somebody who shares your values. It’s not clear to me that your boyfriend does share your values. The stuff you’ve mentioned about the differences in values has been crystal clear, while the stuff about the similarities in values has been pretty fuzzy.

Agreed about soulmates. I do think, though, that in the early stages of love, it shouldn’t be that hard.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m mostly concerned that you may be (due to inexperience) mistaking his infatuation with you for a similarity in values. Your similarity in values may just boil down to both of you thinking that you are amazing. (Sorry if that sounded a little mean–I had at least one relationship before I met my husband where that was definitely the case.)

Try to figure out if that is the case. If you actually share values, it’s OK if he eventually figures out that you’re not a goddess on a pedestal, because he’ll hopefully remember that even if you’re not, he is still required to love and cherish you. However, if his good treatment of you was based on you being that goddess on a pedestal, you are in huge trouble!

 

[englishredrose]

If the only reason is that you are worried about him having had previous sexual activity then I am concerned that you may never find what you may be looking for in a perfect boyfriend partner material. We are all sinners and sin in different ways. He has been open in sharing this with you and I would like to ask you to trust him in return and somehow learn to forgive him and find your own relationship with him which thru being human will never be romantiqually perfect because that never really exists. What exists is each step of the way you learn how to work it out together. Are you trying to seek that perfect Catholic boyfriend of which not knowing what you privately confess to your priest about but knowing you sin too, then that boyfriend will sin too. Be greatful that he has been open about it with you. I don’t know if you should ask him to help you overcome your fear as a partnership with him would that be too much? But if you can it be the first stepping stone towards an open honest future marriage in that if you can work difficulties thru as a courting couple then you will not be blind to what marriage is about in reality and survive its course with more strength. Hope you find peace with this xxx

 

[Xantippe]

mschocolate,

If you can find the time, I think both you and your boyfriend should read and discuss C.S. Lewis’s The Four Loves. It’s a short book and an easy read.

 

[EasterJoy]

I kind of understand what you are getting at and thanks for the response.
Yes, any guys can say to their girlfriend that he wants his future with her but I know for sure that he is serious. We both know that we are not financially stable yet and possibly emotionally not ready to have a family; he’s still at college and I have a degree i want to pursue before I settle down. He once asked me though, if I would say yes if he asks me to marry him that moment. As much as we want to be together, the fact is that no one can predict our future.

He really appreciates that I have kept my virginity and I really know that he’s so happy with me. Although I might get upset at little things at times, I hate it when he says how he doesn’t deserve me, why i like him, he’s a screw-up. That’s when all my hatred becomes crumbling down because i hate seeing him like that and literally makes me cry

I am not saying his affection for you is not real. I am only saying that you ought not take it for granted as your due, as something that is there for you to either take or leave. That is not a good attitude; you ought to see pleasing him as something that takes an effort and commitment on your part. Not that you weren’t, but just a caution to think about this is the context both of what is good for him and good for you. Do not allow yourself to think of your boyfriend as a buyer in a seller’s market. That is not a good habit of thought for a married woman to have, that’s all I mean.

I’m glad to hear you argue with him when he says he doesn’t deserve you, for instance. That means that you realize on some level that your courtship is about whether you are RIGHT for each other, not whether you are WORTHY of each other. If you don’t marry him, it won’t be because you “hate” him, right? It won’t be because he is not worthy. It will be because one of you doesn’t think all the elements necessary for the total commitment of marriage are in place. You sound as if you believe he is committed to chastity and is going to make someone a very lucky wife, because your concern is about his past, rather than about whether you trust him to be faithful in the future. That doesn’t mean that if you don’t judge yourself to be that lucky woman that you’ve made some judgment on him as a person. It may only mean that you’ve decided you’re not satisfied with the match of you as a couple. There is a big difference!!

You have a lot going for you. Don’t rush this, and don’t let him make it about whether he is worthy. Instead, make sure that you have done the emotional work to make you right for each other. Some virgins can get past it when a potential spouse is not a virgin, and some can’t. That is OK. Some people (although not all) feel grief that they have to do that work. That is also OK. Just be sure that you don’t act as if he’s got some work to do that he ought to be doing when he’s doing all he can.

 

[EasterJoy]

I really do not have any problem with his personality and I am aware that marriage changes people’s characters but that means I will change too and it will be something we need to work on and compromise.

He may be the one or he may not. But no one can foresee what’s to come. For now, I know that I love him and I would love to spend my life with him next to me and that’s why I’m trying to get over this problem or if there’s a better option of finding someone I’m looking for, leave him. I’m sorry but I’m just so lost as to how to deal with this situation.

One day, I try to accept everything and I’m okay then the next day, I start developing images of how he was with other people and looking at him, I start imagining how others used to touch him, hug him the way I do etc…

I just want this feeling to go away (((
It will eventually affect our relationship and I will lose him because what i did and it will be something i will regret forever.

Is it better to talk to a priest or a relationship counsellor?

My advice is to not worry too much that you still have some concerns. Difficult feelings don’t go away by scrubbing at them any more than wounds heal by scratching and picking at them. Tend the wound as you ought, but otherwise get used to keeping your fingernails off of it! That is how you prevent scar formation, those things that you “regret forever” (if you choose to live in regret, but that is another thread. )

If you knew and you were holding on because you felt guilty about “rejecting” him, that would be a problem. If you are taking some time reconciling his sin in an area where you have only achieved virtue through great effort and by thinking of the needs of your future spouse, well, of course you are. Let that take some time.

Who to talk to? Talk to the one you’re going to listen to. If you’ll listen to a priest and not a counselor, then talk to the priest, even if it is only for reassurance about how a counselor might help you. Talk therapy only helps when the client is going to listen both to herself talking and to the responses of her pastor or counselor. If you’re not going to listen to anything but what you want to hear, no one can help you. If you’re ready to listen to anyone trustworthy who might give you a new way to look at this, then either or both can help you.

Look at it this way: If you both knew 100% tomorrow that you wanted to marry, you still couldn’t marry tomorrow. You have all the time in the world, so let this take some time until it becomes clear that it won’t be worth the time. In the meantime, you’ll both be learning about yourselves, what is important to you, and how to think about what is important to you in a spouse, and that is preparation for marriage, too, even if you both marry some other unique and wonderful and loveable someone than each other.

 

[Peter12rb]

I think so, if God could just tell me that everything’s going to be okay and that this is something that i will eventually overcome, I want to do everything it takes to change my view about this past. Even now, I’m trying really hard, I don’t want to just give up on someone who loves me so much and I love him too.

Here’s a link from this forum discussing saints who had led previously sinful lives:
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=357539

God clearly forgave them their sins, and they’re now considered pillars of righteousness by the Catholic Church. I’m not suggesting your boyfriend is a saint (or has to be), but God can definitely forgive him his sins. And having sex once, while drunk, years ago, is a relatively light offense in my opinion (I’m not condoning it, just saying that in this culture, there are lots and lots of people who do a whole lot more than your boyfriend has done).

Best of luck in navigating through your feelings on this one. Talking face-to-face to someone you trust (whether it’s a priest or a counselor) will probably help you discern your feelings better than the informal discussion on this message board.

 

[mschocolat]

I’m mostly concerned that you may be (due to inexperience) mistaking his infatuation with you for a similarity in values. Your similarity in values may just boil down to both of you thinking that you are amazing. (Sorry if that sounded a little mean–I had at least one relationship before I met my husband where that was definitely the case.)

Try to figure out if that is the case. If you actually share values, it’s OK if he eventually figures out that you’re not a goddess on a pedestal, because he’ll hopefully remember that even if you’re not, he is still required to love and cherish you. However, if his good treatment of you was based on you being that goddess on a pedestal, you are in huge trouble!

We do share similar values(about family, society, politics) but we also embrace our differences and we both love the fact that we are different (the things we like).
This really is not an infatuation. If it was, i believe i would’ve lost interest in him a while ago.
I didn’t think of him as someone who could be my potential boyfriend when we first met. It was a slow progress and as he said, i’m his first love and he’s never felt the same way about anyone before. I don’t know how else to put it but he does care about me a lot and for now, the only thing I can do is to trust what he says.
He gets annoyed at me of course, every couple goes through rough patches. He knows my weaknesses yet he claims that i’m perfect for him.