Getting Over Wrongs

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Does anyone have any advice to someone who is suffering emotionally from wrongs done to him/her by other people who treated taht person with cruelty and callousness?

Going thru this myself right now and this holiday season is making it especially difficult when painful feelings arise.
 
Surely everyone struggles with getting over wrongs at some time in his or her life and to one degree or another. What has been of immense help to me when I have suffered wrongly at the hands of others is prayer. I remember sitting in a pew one Sunday and looking straight ahead only to see someone who had spent a great deal of energy undermining me in a malicious way. In one sense I was disgusted, in another I was alarmed by my own feelings. I turned to God at that moment, asking Him to help me see that person the way He sees them. I remember being suddenly flooded with a sense of compassion for him, for the bondage he himself suffered because of insecurity, and some other things that I knew prompted his actions which deeply hurt me.

I cannot say that this experience has happened to me more than a couple of times in my adult life; but I know it can happen. I also know that when my perception of that person’s own personal struggle with sin was heightened, for that one moment I understood in a deeper way what God’s love is truly like. And the mere memory of the beauty of that kind of compassionate love serves me continually in my struggle to love “the unlovable.”

All in all, though, be patient with yourself. Sometimes time is necessary to help heal wounds. You may struggle a while with someone who has hurt you deeply. Allow yourself that time. The important thing, I think, is to never give in to ruminating on the hurts, continually rehearsing the wrongs so that bitterness takes root in your heart.

Finally, remember that you aren’t perfect yourself, and that you, too, have probably wounded others through sin. Ask God to help you remember this, and to help you forgive others, even as you want forgiveness from God.

God Bless
 
Well, the first thing i would suggest is just praying, and speak to God about it, tell Him what you’re going through as if He did not know, and then ask Him to take it from you, and handle it for you.

but then i would also recommend meditating on the sufferings Christ endured for us, both the physical and emotional, and contemplate what these sufferings in our lives mean for us, here is a good article that explains the good that comes from our sufferings - gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=12961507

it’s hard to forgive sometimes, and to deal with the pain others have caused us, but God does not ask us to deal with it on our own, and He will help us through all our struggles if we just ask,

maybe you will find more helpful advice in this area from one of these sites -
audiosancto.org/
keepthefaith.org/
fultonsheen.com/Fulton-Sheen-MP3.cfm
those are very good and trustworthy Catholic audio sites, and i’m sure they’ll help, but maybe you will also find comfort in some of them too.

well, i’ll keep you in my prayers, i hope you feel better,
just focus on Jesus, not yourself or anyone else, and maybe that will help.
take care.
 
People have tried to hurt me, and succeeded.

People have tried to help me, and failed but hurt me instead.

Either way, they have worked against me so even though they were “friends” they might as well have been enemies.

But I just realized why I can go beyond enduring the transgressions, but to rejoice in them.

These people give me a spiritual/mental/emotional and sometimes even physical obstacle course to use during my life, to continually “toughen up” my ability to have patience, forgiveness, understanding. They strip me of my “false self” by taking away my power/control, or my sense of security/comfort, or any sense of affection/esteem, the three “energy centers” of the false self. They mess up my worldly mind so that my spiritual mind can come in and rebuild it better than before.

An athlete trains with weights because you don’t get strong muscles if they’ve never encountered resistance. A teacher quizzes and tests her students to challenge them so they can learn. When you get through a level on a video game, the next level starts so you can continue to improve your skills and thus remained tied to the game. A movie teases its audience so that finding out the truth at the end is a more profound experience than if they just told you the ending at first. It’s about going through the mental processes of not knowing, then knowing. Being unable, then being able.

Enemies are the manure in our garden of life. They give us spiritual “energy pills” that we can either process through our divine side, our worldly side, or both. If we can learn to let the worldly side go a little and address these issues from our divine side, then we can use these “energy pills” to grow stronger in our faith. Not to mention social skills. Being right isn’t necessarily a social skill, but being merciful and patient is. I guarantee, without some of the jerks I had to deal with for upwards of 20 years at a time, that has given me the opportunity to develop patience I would never have even known existed – much less that I could have had.

Without our enemies, we would be weak. I thank the Lord for all of my life, including the parts where it was difficult He could show me how to be strong – and yes, for my enemies. Friends can and do play the role of enemies often; even as we play games together we are learning how to compete in the world and how to excel in spirituality.

Alan
 
Another way to say it is that every time we are wronged and learn to get over it gracefully, it is like getting a vaccination to improve our spiritual immune system.

Alan
 
Hi, Clairby,

Welcome to CAF - as a new member, I think you will find there are many opportunities to learn about your Faith and the many various aspects that make this a very special list. 🙂

The previous ideas are great and I whole-heartedly recommend them. Here is one that I personally think has genuine merit. Here are a couple of rules … you need to be alone, at a comfortable writing position and you can’t use a computer or word processor!

Get some paper and a pencil and write down, as best you can, the most detailed description of ONE real hurt experience - names, dates, times, environment, quotes, outcomes … in brief, there is nothing left out. Take as many sheets of paper as necessary - leave nothing out, and this would include hate, rage, frustration, sorrow, etc. Be totally graphic - and feel free to have more than one pencil (colored pencils are an option). Remember, you are only allowed ONE hurt that you are feeling - so select the ONE that has you the most distressed. Re-read it for accuracy, grammar and style - no reason to be less that professional in this matter! Now set this writing over to the side and get a clean sheet of paper.

On this sheet, write about ONE real experience from the Passion of Our Lord and tie it in with the suffering you have at this moment. The focus of this document is Christ - this is not a re-write of the First Document.

Identify that Christ’s sufferings were for all sins and that we are to follow Him in all things - and, this would include His sufferings. Take as many sheets of paper as necessary - leave nothing out, and this would include hate, rage, frustration, sorrow, etc that represents what Christ, His Mother, the Apostles, the Jewish leaders, Roman authorities and soldiers expressed. Be totally graphic - and feel free to use your imagination where there are historical records. This second writing must be at least equal in length to the first writing. Leave noting out - and feel free have more than one pencil (colored pencils are an option).

Now you have two written documents. Chose which ONE that YOU want to keep - and destroy the other in such a way that there is NOTHING left of it. Shredders are good - but, unless there is danger of a fire - putting a match to the trashed document provided me with a real sense of accomplishment. Being a totally accurate description of my hurt feelings - with nothing held back - watching its destruction and knowing I had Our Lord’s example of what I was to do was a totally therapeutic and spiritual experience. By using a pencil you can actually release some real energy and go back and see the depth of your lines - something you can not do with a keyboard.

With your own account of Christ’s suffering related to your suffering - I think you now have a document that can give you hope and encouragement. After reading this Second Document, fold it up and keep it with you. The personal feelings of hurt have not gone away - yet - but, each time you feel them, pull out that Second Document and re-read what YOU wrote as you think of the sufferings of Our Lord. It is important to have access to this Second Document so that whenever these personal feels of hurt come - you can unite your sufferings to those of Christ - and focus on His sufferings for each of us.

God bless you and your journey toward healing.
clairby said:
Does anyone have any advice to someone who is suffering emotionally from wrongs done to him/her by other people who treated taht person with cruelty and callousness?

Going thru this myself right now and this holiday season is making it especially difficult when painful feelings arise.
Click to expand...
 
After reading Tom’s post, I remembered a couple other things I’ve done to get over harm.

One was to write a letter to a person whom I despised for what he had done, telling him in no uncertain terms, what I thought of him. I even employed a book “2000 insults for all occasions” to get little gems like, “he’d throw a drowning man both ends of the rope.”

Then once I had thoroughly “owned” the other person, I was able to destroy the letter, confident that I was “better” than him. (Of course this goes against another post I just made on humility but that was a different issue.)

Another thing that I’ve done is imagine what it would be like if that person were answering to God for what he/she has done. This was especially useful for me against some people in parish leadership who were doing very wrong things and wouldn’t stop for any argument. I imagine the details of what it would feel like for that person when God says, “why didn’t you listen to me or the messengers I sent you? Why did you say that my rules were not relevant in deciding how to run My church?” etc. Then I imagine the person stammering with no answer, as the dread of hell builds up during the judgment. Then, if that’s not enough, I can even imagine God doing something horrible such as making his head explode, sending him to hell, whatever, and imagine what it would look like for that to happen and what it would seem like to be that guy. Then funny thing. I start feeling sorry for that guy. I start thinking I’m the one who needs to help him, not the other way around. We just have a parish which is not being operated properly; he has a real possible problem with God.

I think in both cases, it helped me get past my feelings of helplessness and being out of control when people worked against me. Once I mentally have control, it’s like “ok what do you want me to do with this guy” and suddenly I don’t feel like a victim anymore.

Alan
 
Something thats helps me is doing what Mother Teresa said. Hopefully I dont miss it up. If I do, I knoe someone will correct me.

The fruit of silence, is prayer.
The fruit of prayer, is faith.
The fruit of faith is, love.
The fruit of love is, service.
The fruit of service is, peace.

God bless everyone, and have a happy and safe christmas.

jesus g
 
When one is wronged, his emotion is hurt. The wound needs to be healed. Time helps, but may not really do the healing. True healing comes from forgiveness. Forgiveness results from God’s grace. Ask God help us to cooperate with his grace and forgive.

Our wound hurts the most in the beginning. But with our willingness to forgive, it may hurt less and less each time it surfaces up. One way to let go the hurt is to find some excuses for that person, accept the person who hurts us has his own problem and poverty. That may help us to forgive easier. The other thing is to think of our own poverty. As we realize how God forgives our own transgresses, we may feel more sincere to pray “forgive our transgresses as we forgive those who transgress against us.”

Pray for the person who wronged us will help us to forgive. Forgiveness helps us get over our wounds and be healed.
 
This is very hard. I think the thing that helped me the most was joining the Catholic Church. Praying, talking with my priest, attending Mass as much as I could have all helped, but it’s taken years and it’s only been in the last couple of years that the anger has gone. This is a poem I wrote while I was in RCIA after my parents had died.

Dear Father above, protect me, shelter me,
Give me the love and comfort
My own father never could.
I mourn my father,
I mourn what could have been.
I try to forgive him as
You, Lord, forgive us.
It’s so hard, Dear Lord,
I don’t see how you do it.

Christmas is very hard so I am attending Mass this evening and tomorrow. May the Lord help you to heal.
 
Hi, C Elizabeth,

Welcome to CAF - and, more importantly, welcome to the Catholic Church.

This was an excellent post 👍 Frequent reception of the Holy Eucharist is our real strength.

God bless
C_Elizabeth said:
This is very hard. I think the thing that helped me the most was joining the Catholic Church. Praying, talking with my priest, attending Mass as much as I could have all helped, but it’s taken years and it’s only been in the last couple of years that the anger has gone. This is a poem I wrote while I was in RCIA after my parents had died.

Dear Father above, protect me, shelter me,
Give me the love and comfort
My own father never could.
I mourn my father,
I mourn what could have been.
I try to forgive him as
You, Lord, forgive us.
It’s so hard, Dear Lord,
I don’t see how you do it.

Christmas is very hard so I am attending Mass this evening and tomorrow. May the Lord help you to heal.
Click to expand...
 
clairby said:
Does anyone have any advice to someone who is suffering emotionally from wrongs done to him/her by other people who treated taht person with cruelty and callousness?

Going thru this myself right now and this holiday season is making it especially difficult when painful feelings arise.
Click to expand...
I think the first thing I would think about here is the idea of labeling these things as wrongs. An objective observer might agree (and they may actually be wrong objectively or in God’s judgement) but what is that the label wrong does for the person suffering? I would think… that it does almost nothing and may even make dealing with the situation even harder. We are able to move past an oversight, but it’s harder to move past an oversight that is wrong.

I don’t mean to suggest that we should be blind to moral truth, but merely that moral truths are not necessarily relevant when it comes to our ability to process the emotional truth of a moment.

Empathy has to be part of the answer. Why did this thing happen? What anxieties and fears are really being represented when your uncle yells at you for using too much salt? Learning how to pierce the events with the sword of Love is, I think, profoundly important.

Also… honesty. I am amazed by how much a person will suddenly apologize and change their behavior when they are gently told that their actions are disruptive. I remember telling a family member: “Look, I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but you’re being very negative towards me.” My family member was appalled by his actions and immediately knocked it off – it wasn’t a matter of rebuking the person, but merely shining a little light (very gently… of course!) on the situation. Trust that your family doesn’t want to hurt you… it’s almost always an accident.

Just a few thoughts!
 
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