Getting through the holidays with non-Catholic family

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dei_gratia15

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Hello,

I’m looking for suggestions as to how people with non-Catholic families handle the holidays, particular holy days of obligation, around this time of year. I am the only Catholic in my family and this is the first year I will be attending mass on Christmas/New Year’s, etc. How do you explain this obligation to your family members and how do you keep it from hurting your relationships with them? I’m currently staying with family over the holidays (I’m a college student so I’m on break now) and going to mass every Sunday causes a lot of hostility and I was looking at the calendar and realized how many times this is going to come up in just 10 days (Christmas, Sunday after, New Year’s day, Sunday after) and I am feeling a little overwhelmed because I know it would be a mortal sin to miss these days and I do want to attend mass as peacefully as possible. I really don’t want to strain my relationship with them anymore than I already have just by converting this year (they are not supportive at all of my conversion or really of any faith), but I also don’t want to strain my relationship with God. They think it’s ridiculous just to go to church every week so these other “random days” will not make any sense to them and I fear they are going to think (like they do every week) that I am simply choosing to not spend time with them and spend time somewhere else. Thank you for any suggestions!!

Hope you all have a blessed Christmas and New Year! 🙂
 
Check with your diocese, New Year’s Day is not a Holy Day of Obligation in my diocese. Otherwise, get to Mass as early as possible in the morning or attend the vigil Mass the night before, and say as little as possible about it. Check out Mass times at several different parishes in your area to get a variety of times to fit your schedule. You might get some takers, if you suggest everyone attends Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve. Lots of non-Catholics go then; maybe you can plant a little seed and get someone thinking about the Church.
 
I’m in somewhat of the same situation. I am the only Catholic in my family and will be attending my first Christmas Mass. Unfortunately the churches near me don’t have Vigils, so I’ll be attending the midnight Mass. That way I can spend Christmas with them and fulfill what will (eventually) be my obligation. If there was a vigil Mass, however, I would attend that. Otherwise, you can stay up late for midnight. 😛
 
When I’m with non-Catholic or non-practicing family or friends I simply say that I’m going to Mass. I don’t talk about obligations or sins or anything else. It’s just that this is what I do. I’ll check to see what time Mass is and say “I’m going to Mass at 5:00. Does anyone want to come with me?” If you can walk there or have access to a car, it’s easy. If you have to ask for a ride it may be more difficult – I’d like to go to Mass at 5:00, can I borrow your car? Or can you drive me? If that doesn’t work there are buses, cabs, Uber, and the like.

People accommodate each other. If you’re allergic to something, your hosts know that “that’s how it is with her, you can’t serve peanuts.” If you have a passion for something, your hosts know “that’s how it is with her, she’s going to visit the widget museum.” And in your case they’ll know “that’s how it is with her, she always goes to Mass.”
 
My family was frustrated with all my “church going” but over time they’ve come to accept it. It’s hard at first, I know, especially when they aren’t excited about your conversion but you must be faithful and in time this will begin to speak to your family and they will respect you more. One word of caution… don’t argue. Just let them know that this is important to you and that theses are the times you will be attending Mass. Then, pray for them! I will pray for you too. I know its hard but you will be very blessed by your obedience to Him!

My love and prayers for you. Welcome!
Another convert with a non Catholic family,
mlz
 
dei_gratia15 said:
Hello,

I’m looking for suggestions as to how people with non-Catholic families handle the holidays, particular holy days of obligation, around this time of year. I am the only Catholic in my family and this is the first year I will be attending mass on Christmas/New Year’s, etc. How do you explain this obligation to your family members and how do you keep it from hurting your relationships with them? I’m currently staying with family over the holidays (I’m a college student so I’m on break now) and going to mass every Sunday causes a lot of hostility and I was looking at the calendar and realized how many times this is going to come up in just 10 days (Christmas, Sunday after, New Year’s day, Sunday after) and I am feeling a little overwhelmed because I know it would be a mortal sin to miss these days and I do want to attend mass as peacefully as possible. I really don’t want to strain my relationship with them anymore than I already have just by converting this year (they are not supportive at all of my conversion or really of any faith), but I also don’t want to strain my relationship with God. They think it’s ridiculous just to go to church every week so these other “random days” will not make any sense to them and I fear they are going to think (like they do every week) that I am simply choosing to not spend time with them and spend time somewhere else. Thank you for any suggestions!!

Hope you all have a blessed Christmas and New Year! 🙂
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There are a lot worse things you could be doing than going to Mass. They ought to be counting their blessings!
 
you have my sympathy: I am in the same boat, and no one in my family is even religious, let alone Catholic. I just insist on doing what I have to do and want to do, even if it annoys them. What matters most, anyway? To me, God. Always hope that some of what I have and they don’t will rub off on them, maybe they will sense what they are missing. Not so far, though 😦
dei_gratia15 said:
Hello,

I’m looking for suggestions as to how people with non-Catholic families handle the holidays, particular holy days of obligation, around this time of year. I am the only Catholic in my family and this is the first year I will be attending mass on Christmas/New Year’s, etc. How do you explain this obligation to your family members and how do you keep it from hurting your relationships with them? I’m currently staying with family over the holidays (I’m a college student so I’m on break now) and going to mass every Sunday causes a lot of hostility and I was looking at the calendar and realized how many times this is going to come up in just 10 days (Christmas, Sunday after, New Year’s day, Sunday after) and I am feeling a little overwhelmed because I know it would be a mortal sin to miss these days and I do want to attend mass as peacefully as possible. I really don’t want to strain my relationship with them anymore than I already have just by converting this year (they are not supportive at all of my conversion or really of any faith), but I also don’t want to strain my relationship with God. They think it’s ridiculous just to go to church every week so these other “random days” will not make any sense to them and I fear they are going to think (like they do every week) that I am simply choosing to not spend time with them and spend time somewhere else. Thank you for any suggestions!!

Hope you all have a blessed Christmas and New Year! 🙂
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Hi, So happy you found your way home to the Catholic Church.

The only thing I would add is to show some consideration for your family. Ask them if they have any plans or commitments for you during the Holidays. Then you can schedule your masses around their needs. I agree with everyone that they need to know Mass is important to you. But, it’s also important to treat them kindly whenever possible (living your faith).

God Bless You.
 
My advice is dont mention the church going…just go!

If attending mass is going to cause hostility among your family then just go without telling them you have gone, they dont need to know you have gone do they?..and I’m assuming since you are home from college you are old enough to leave the house without having to say where you are going ?😃

I think not telling them you are going would make for a more peaceful Christmas otherwise you may have battles with each mass attendence you go to.
dei_gratia15 said:
Hello,

I’m looking for suggestions as to how people with non-Catholic families handle the holidays, particular holy days of obligation, around this time of year. I am the only Catholic in my family and this is the first year I will be attending mass on Christmas/New Year’s, etc. How do you explain this obligation to your family members and how do you keep it from hurting your relationships with them? I’m currently staying with family over the holidays (I’m a college student so I’m on break now) and going to mass every Sunday causes a lot of hostility and I was looking at the calendar and realized how many times this is going to come up in just 10 days (Christmas, Sunday after, New Year’s day, Sunday after) and I am feeling a little overwhelmed because I know it would be a mortal sin to miss these days and I do want to attend mass as peacefully as possible. I really don’t want to strain my relationship with them anymore than I already have just by converting this year (they are not supportive at all of my conversion or really of any faith), but I also don’t want to strain my relationship with God. They think it’s ridiculous just to go to church every week so these other “random days” will not make any sense to them and I fear they are going to think (like they do every week) that I am simply choosing to not spend time with them and spend time somewhere else. Thank you for any suggestions!!

Hope you all have a blessed Christmas and New Year! 🙂
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I’m hearing you. I’m with extended family at the beach shack at the moment, first Christmas with the Seventh Day Adventist rellos who travelled from the other side of the country and don’t celebrate Christmas. 🤷 Don’t ask, it’s only been two days here and already there has been doctrinal arguments and unwanted prosletysing. sigh

Hubby and I and other Catholic and some non-Catholic family members are heading off in an hour for midnight Mass. Hubby just mentioned at breakfast this morning that we are attending midnight Mass if anyone wants to come along.

Don’t apologise for practicing your faith. Their reaction to your conversion can only be changed by them. They are 100% responsible for their reaction. A simple “I’m off to Mass” when you are all ready to go, then smile and leave. No conversation/debate is required and if they start then say “can’t talk I’m running late”. 😛

Merry Christmas to you and yours. :D:thumbsup::angel1::harp::hug1:
 
SuscipeMeDomine said:
When I’m with non-Catholic or non-practicing family or friends I simply say that I’m going to Mass. I don’t talk about obligations or sins or anything else. It’s just that this is what I do. I’ll check to see what time Mass is and say “I’m going to Mass at 5:00. Does anyone want to come with me?” If you can walk there or have access to a car, it’s easy. If you have to ask for a ride it may be more difficult – I’d like to go to Mass at 5:00, can I borrow your car? Or can you drive me? If that doesn’t work there are buses, cabs, Uber, and the like.

People accommodate each other. If you’re allergic to something, your hosts know that “that’s how it is with her, you can’t serve peanuts.” If you have a passion for something, your hosts know “that’s how it is with her, she’s going to visit the widget museum.” And in your case they’ll know “that’s how it is with her, she always goes to Mass.”
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Great answer.
And I’ll add: with poise, grace, and humility.
Don’t shove your faith down anyone’s throat. A peaceful and joyful person wins more people to the faith.
Be firm in resolve, but like a lamb in delivery.
Wishing you a blessed Christmas.
 
crystal_waters said:
My advice is dont mention the church going…just go!

If attending mass is going to cause hostility among your family then just go without telling them you have gone, they dont need to know you have gone do they?..and I’m assuming since you are home from college you are old enough to leave the house without having to say where you are going ?😃

**It would be weird and rude to simply disappear. Nothing to be ashamed of. Just go to Mass and don’t worry what others think. If they ask WHY? You say, because it makes me happy. **

I think not telling them you are going would make for a more peaceful Christmas otherwise you may have battles with each mass attendence you go to.
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**Doesn’t have to be a battle unless we make it one. Hiding your faith isn’t living it. People can respect a person who isn’t deceptive. Otherwise you just invite comment. **
 
Welcome! As a new member of the Catholic Church I highly recommend both the Christmas Eve Mass and New Year’s Mass. They are both so beautiful. I like the 11 pm Christmas Eve Mass.

When I first converted I had the same issues, but I just knew what I needed to do for myself as a Catholic and went. I think when you are new to the Church it is important to try to involve yourself with as many activities as possible as you are still learning about the faith.

The New Year’s Eve Mass or the New Year’s Day Mass is a wonderful way to start the year!

Do you rely on someone to take you or do you have your own transportation?
 
Pray before during and after your gatherings with family and avoid drama -just them know it’s time for mass.If they start to complain–don’t even “go there” with them, just smile and do your obligations. Be sure to guard yourself from becoming offended or burdened with their unbelief in our church.

Doing this will help your family see that you are authentic in your Catholic faith. Use this opportunity to give them a positive perspective and to inspire them to perhaps want what you have- a solid relationship with Jesus and the Catholic church.
 
Thanks for the replies! I do have my own transportation, but I can’t simply leave the house without telling anyone where I am going and I would like to avoid lying to them at all costs. The area I live in is pretty secluded with few Catholic churches so I am very limited with available times for mass. I did find a church in the next town that has an 11 pm mass tonight and I am hoping to attend that one since it’s most likely the only one that won’t conflict with my family but there were bad storms in the area all night and the roads are still flooded and it’s expected to continue so I’m not sure how they’ll feel about me driving that distance in those conditions. They are a little immature and will argue just to get what they want so I’m just going to pray for the best now and hope I can make it tonight. I am a little more concerned about the other days because I think they’ll be more understanding since it’s Christmas but I won’t know their true reaction until I go to leave.
 
I just don’t understand this sort of thing. You are an adult and your family members should respect your choice as to which Christian faith tradition to follow. I mean really, you are seeking a relationship with God as you go through your life and that choice should be applauded, not denigrated in any way.
 
I think as people we tend to invent problems more often than we are genuinely encountered with them.

I have this situation this year, and it has worried me a little bit, but how I deal with it is that I just go to Mass whenever it’s time to go to Mass. I tell them, assertively but plainly, “Hey, I’m going to Mass” (at X time). If they’re curious about why you’re going specifically at New Year’s, you can just say, “It’s like a Sunday for us” or something similar. About how it’s a very special day - which is exactly what it is.“Holy day of obligation” is a cold-sounding formal term and I definitely wouldn’t use it with a non-Catholic unless they were actually pro-actively inquiring about candidacy into the Church.

Body language carries human communication more than words, and I’ve found this to be so true in the past few years. Whenever we’re uneasy about something we tend to form our responses with the intonation of a question, as though we were scared of saying it (which we are). Don’t do that! This can build into a dreadful habit, and if you come across as weak-willed, other people will sense that and they will walk over you. Don’t underestimate how easily people can notice that. You can notice it in other people, and other people can just as easily.

If you’re forward about it, they’ll likely accept that that is who you are, and future holidays won’t be uncomfortable. It’s just a matter of breaking the ice.
 
TK421 said:
If you’re forward about it, they’ll likely accept that that is who you are, and future holidays won’t be uncomfortable. It’s just a matter of breaking the ice.
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I really hope you’re right about this. We discussed it this afternoon and they said they didn’t want me traveling to the midnight mass tonight because of the distance and how dangerous the roads are right now. I can understand this as honestly it’s also a concern of mine. I invited them but they firmly declined and I said I was going to the only morning mass there is tomorrow and I hope they’ll respect my decision in the morning and not try to stop me from leaving. When I said I would go Christmas morning though they accused me of “abandoning them” on Christmas and not following our usual Christmas traditions (that don’t include mass) so I’m concerned as to how the morning will play out. I’ve stayed calm the whole time I’ve been discussing it with them but I still feel like I’m the one causing the “drama” on Christmas and this is a little upsetting. 😦
 
I’m the only Catholic in my family but fortunately I don’t get my push back for going to Mass. Being just bit older than a college student does help with that - 😃 Just be firm with your plans to go to Mass. And by the way, if you are unable to attend because of the weather you would not be committing a mortal sin. We are not expected to do the impossible.

Here is my take on your family’s behavior. They fear what they either don’t understand or can’t control. You are an adult so you really don’t have to explain why you want to go. If it were me, I wouldn’t even say it’s a Holy day, just that you want to go to Mass. When I first converted my family didn’t understand why I would stay up to go to Mass at midnight but I just explained I wanted to go and I pretty much do what I want.

Stand strong and welcome to the Catholic Church.
 
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