Getting to know each other in long-distance relationships

[AllSeasons]

What are some of the things that couples can do to get to know each other better in a long-distance relationship? And I suppose there’re two subcomponents to this question.

1. 
   *]What are some of the things that couples can do to really get to know each other better from a distance?
   *]For the times you are together in person, what are some of the things that you can do to really facilitate the process of getting to know each other better?
   
   And a side question is how long do you think it would take for people in a long-distance relationship to really get to know each other to the point where it would be sufficient to know whether the other person is the one you are to marry?
   
   I realize it’s different for each situation, but I’m just looking for ballpark figures and general guidelines. Any (name removed by moderator)ut would be appreciated.

 

[Bklynguy]

What are some of the things that couples can do to get to know each other better in a long-distance relationship? And I suppose there’re two subcomponents to this question.

1. 
   *]What are some of the things that couples can do to really get to know each other better from a distance?
   *]For the times you are together in person, what are some of the things that you can do to really facilitate the process of getting to know each other better?
   
   And a side question is how long do you think it would take for people in a long-distance relationship to really get to know each other to the point where it would be sufficient to know whether the other person is the one you are to marry?
   
   I realize it’s different for each situation, but I’m just looking for ballpark figures and general guidelines. Any (name removed by moderator)ut would be appreciated.

1. 
   My wife and I were long distrance before we got married—and quite a long distance. Almost 500 miles to be exact. We talked on the phone almost every day for hours. We flew and drove back-and-forth. Looking back on it, it was exhausting. I don’t know how we did it–must have been our age and the fact that we were head over heels for one another. I don’t want to discourage you, though–it can and does work. We are married, after all.
   
   I knew after 2-3 weekends with her that I wanted to marry her. I suspect it wouldn’t be that fast for most people, though. It just depends on the situation. I think many times, long-distance relationships move faster because you have to put a considerable amount of effort in talking to the person, and finding the time to spend with them, etc.
   
   I presume you recently met someone and are considering getting into a relationship with him/her? Or, you just started a relationship?

 

[AllSeasons]

Thank you for the reply.

My wife and I were long distrance before we got married—and quite a long distance. Almost 500 miles to be exact. We talked on the phone almost every day for hours. We flew and drove back-and-forth. Looking back on it, it was exhausting. I don’t know how we did it–must have been our age and the fact that we were head over heels for one another. I don’t want to discourage you, though–it can and does work. We are married, after all.

How often did you see each other and how long were the visits?

I knew after 2-3 weekends with her that I wanted to marry her. I suspect it wouldn’t be that fast for most people, though. It just depends on the situation. I think many times, long-distance relationships move faster because you have to put a considerable amount of effort in talking to the person, and finding the time to spend with them, etc.

How long did it take for her to come to the same realization that you are to marry each other? Was there a specific moment or event that helped her come to that realization?

I presume you recently met someone and are considering getting into a relationship with him/her? Or, you just started a relationship?

Yes. We’re now 1,300 miles apart, so the only viable mode of transportation is by plane. In several months, that distance will expand to 1,600 miles.

 

[trinichiqn]

I am currently in a LDR, talking is a great way to get to know each other better. Serious, mundane, the everyday. We are blessed in this day to have the technology bring ourselves closer even though we are far away, use it. Ask questions, skype, yahoo and msn messenger all have video capabilities, e-mail, the phone if it’s not too expensive. And when you are together the same thing, also notice how the other person interacts with you and with others.

Sufficient time is an individual call, some people will know right away, others will need some lead time. I have read testimonies of people who knew in less than a month and others who took a year. For me, I think it was about a month.

 

[SonCatcher]

My wife and I talked for hours every night on the phone when we were just getting to know each other (I found out after the first month that I didn’t have unlimited nights - fortunately T-Mobile was willing to backdate my addition of unlimited nights to the package - and I didn’t even ask ).

When we became serious enough that I started visiting every weekend, she helped me find a room to rent in her town. At that point, I started the process of relocation.

 

[AllSeasons]

Sufficient time is an individual call, some people will know right away, others will need some lead time. I have read testimonies of people who knew in less than a month and others who took a year. For me, I think it was about a month.

Thank you for the reply. You knew within a month that you wanted to marry him/her? How much time had you guys spent in person prior to that? Are you the man or woman in the relationship? I’m just really curious. Thank you.

And I suppose another general follow-up question I had was who usually ends up doing the relocation, the man or the woman? And if the woman were to make the move, what are some of the preconditions that would usually need to be met before she would agree to the move?

 

[TBenedicta]

Thank you for the reply. You knew within a month that you wanted to marry him/her? How much time had you guys spent in person prior to that? Are you the man or woman in the relationship? I’m just really curious. Thank you.

And I suppose another general follow-up question I had was who usually ends up doing the relocation, the man or the woman? And if the woman were to make the move, what are some of the preconditions that would usually need to be met before she would agree to the move?

Just want to chime in: my now-husband and I dated long distance for two and a half years before I moved to his city. We knew right away we were on the path towards marriage and worked hard to articulate our shared goals for the future. For us, that involved my graduation from college and moving the 1,900 miles to Indiana, where he was finishing undergrad. We were married his senior year of undergrad and then together moved to our current city, where he is in medical school.

We each agree that long distance relationships can actually be BENEFICIAL to couples because they force you to do something really simple: talk. Many face-to-face couples get swept away in the physical attraction, the romance of figuring out new dates, etc. But with LDR, you spend hours and hours just talking. My husband and I knew each other extremely well by the time we married, just through nightly phone conversations and visiting each other once every few months. Our ideals as well as our dreams for the future were almost totally in synch, and by the time we did our Pre Cana, we had already broached every single topic in the book. (Family of origin, faith, how many children we wanted, how we envisioned raising them, etc etc)

One thing that’s key is to set a timeline for yourselves to figure out when the “long distance” part of the relationship will end and where you see yourselves living. It helps to be able to tell yourselves “this will be over soon enough” rather than “I have no idea when we’ll actually be together, and no idea of what our relationship means”

I don’t know if this helps, but feel free to ask any questions you may have!

 

[Bklynguy]

How often did you see each other and how long were the visits?

At the beginning, it was every two weeks. After the first few visits, it was about every week. I relocated within 4 months. This seems very fast, and I know this seems like a lot considering how far apart we were. The more visits we had, it just became more difficult to longer without seeing each other. The visits were typically long weekends.

How long did it take for her to come to the same realization that you are to marry each other? Was there a specific moment or event that helped her come to that realization?

About the same time I did (possibly even a little faster). I know that sounds real fast. But, sometimes, when you know what you want, you know what you want. I don’t know if there was a specific moment–I’ll ask her and let you know tomorrow.

Yes. We’re now 1,300 miles apart, so the only viable mode of transportation is by plane. In several months, that distance will expand to 1,600 miles.

Wow–so one of you is moving even further. Are you the man or the woman? I imagine this came up in another post, but don’t recall right now.

 

[hannajomar]

My husband and I were 110 miles apart. When we married, I moved for several reasons. He already owned a house, and I didn’t. His parents are very dependent on him, and mine aren’t. And my job is much easier to relocate than his (I was a home health aide, and he works in television.).

One thing that struck me was how quickly I came to a decision if I wanted to date this person or not. In the past, I’ve dated men for months before it dawned on me that he wasn’t the one. When we started dating, I just took things more seriously. There’s a lot of investment in dating someone long distance - financial, emotional, time, etc. I realized very quickly that it’s only worth it to date someone LD if they are truly marriage material. I also had to be sure that he saw me as truly marriage material. Otherwise, there’s really a lot of wasted effort.

I came to a point where I had to ask myself is this person really worth giving up so much for? Moving 100 miles away would mean leaving a great job, my family, my Church community and ministries, and familiarity. Was there anything (aside from faith itself) I wouldn’t give up to be with him?

 

[chevalier]

My impression from long-distance relationships is that you never really get to know who you’re dealing with until maybe when it’s over. Then again, I have similar impressions from short distance. It’s a good thing I have a built-in polygraph.

 

[TraderTif]

I met a great guy right here on the CAF, about 2 years ago. (I was in VT, he was in KY, 1000 miles apart.) We talked daily for a couple months, before I decided to pay him a visit. And that went really well, and we really liked each other. After spending 6 months talking as “friends”, we went “official” and became a couple. I paid him a few more visits. About a year after becoming a couple, he proposed, I accepted, and I just moved to KY last week!

The wedding is in June.

But, really, communication was the most important thing. We talked every day, often for hours on end, if we had time. We talked about everything. And we made a point of bringing up difficult or uncomfortable topics, making sure we were able to talk about anything. We went about things very “deliberately”. Talking about what we wanted in a dating relationship, how long each stage should last, when a proposal should take place, who would relocate, etc. (And having these conversations BEFORE we started dating!!)

When did we “know”?? Well, personally, I was convinced that this was someone I could marry after, probably, the first month or so…but I was only completely sure after I’d visited him in person for the first time…and I worked hard at not getting all caught up in that until after we’d been a couple for quite a while, and were seriously planning marriage.

 

[chevalier]

But, really, communication was the most important thing. We talked every day, often for hours on end, if we had time. We talked about everything. And we made a point of bringing up difficult or uncomfortable topics, making sure we were able to talk about anything. We went about things very “deliberately”. Talking about what we wanted in a dating relationship, how long each stage should last, when a proposal should take place, who would relocate, etc. (And having these conversations BEFORE we started dating!!)

Have you signed a contract yet or are there still fees to be earned drafting it for you, not that I’d ever solicit?

 

[Marybeloved]

Have you signed a contract yet or are there still fees to be earned drafting it for you, not that I’d ever solicit?

Didn’t I read you in my “life not starting” thread a few weeks ago saying something like you were getting rid of your legal profession and going into archaeology or something?

 

[chevalier]

Didn’t I read you in my “life not starting” thread a few weeks ago saying something like you were getting rid of your legal profession and going into archaeology or something?

[Interviewer] ‘Why did you go to lawschool?’
[Candidate] ‘I ask myself every day.’

 

[Bklynguy]

About the same time I did (possibly even a little faster). I know that sounds real fast. But, sometimes, when you know what you want, you know what you want. I don’t know if there was a specific moment–I’ll ask her and let you know tomorrow.

Sorry I didn’t get back to you yesterday; however, she doesn’t really recall a specific moment, just that it was a very short time period…she just knew.

 

[AllSeasons]

It looks like I’ve fallen victim to the long-distance bug again. I’m “on a break” with the girlfriend, while she sorts things out. I’m not optimistic. I think a lot of it has to do with the long-distance. Are long-distance relationships even possible? Sigh.

 

[Rita77]

both need to show and share the following

1. psychological evaluation and significant medical records
2. credit score
3. criminal history

you would be supprised how easy it is to be brainwashed into marriage with a psychopath be carful. its not rude if you show and share together.

 

[TrueLight]

both need to show and share the following

1. psychological evaluation and significant medical records
2. credit score
3. criminal history

you would be supprised how easy it is to be brainwashed into marriage with a psychopath be carful. its not rude if you show and share together.

Psych eval?

I don’t see myself doing a psych eval for anyone.

If you really pay attention to the red and pink flags, you usually pick up on mental instability.

 

[EasterJoy]

It looks like I’ve fallen victim to the long-distance bug again. I’m “on a break” with the girlfriend, while she sorts things out. I’m not optimistic. I think a lot of it has to do with the long-distance. Are long-distance relationships even possible? Sigh.

The same kind of thing happens up close; it’s just harder from a distance, I think.

 

[EasterJoy]

My impression from long-distance relationships is that you never really get to know who you’re dealing with until maybe when it’s over. Then again, I have similar impressions from short distance. It’s a good thing I have a built-in polygraph.

My husband and I were long-distance for over five years and have been married for over 20. We’re still learning about each other. It’s not just that people change. Without even knowing it, we disclose ourselves only gradually…even to ourselves!!

I mean, really: When you look in the mirror, even then are you sure you know who you’re dealing with?

Just as with learning about yourself, I think that the family and friends of the person you’re dating bring out many things that would otherwise go unseen. The more time you can spend with your larger circles as a couple, the better, and I think this is true whether you are long distance or short distance. There will be more rude surprises if you insulate yourselves while you’re courting.