Getting used to being married

[Samwise1]

Edit:
I just reread my post and saw it was pretty lengthy. My way of explaining myself Still I’d appreciate anyone who’d comment!
Maybe it’s useful for other men in the first phases of marriage.

Also adding: I’m 35 now, my wife is also 35. For her it’s the first time in a long term relationship, for me I converted to Christ 15 years ago, and followed seminary until 3 years ago.

Hi all,
a while ago since I posted on CAF, and happy to post now in “Family Life”.

After a long-distance relationship of 2,5 years I married my beautiful girl in a very memorable ceremony in her own country. The celebration of the Sacrament was very intense, the party was very pleasurable, meeting her family was great and blessed, and all in all we both felt the grace of the Sacrament connecting us spiritually.

The first days of our marriage were pretty busy, because this was the time we both could see my wife’s family. We enjoyed it partly the two of us, but mostly with her family (and my parents who came along to the wedding). But we did relax and enjoyed our times as newly weds a lot!

Because of immigration procedures, and my limited holidays, we decided the following a time ago:
15 May marriage
20 May I went back to my country
30 June my wife will come to my country

So it’s now 4 weeks till our reunion.

Generally I’m struggling with a need for affirmation and affection. So already I do miss ‘a person who is by my side to support me and says I’m doing good’.
But of course, since it’s my wife and we spent time already inside the Sacrament, the missing is a lot bigger. Logically.

However, I do find that I try to ‘claim’ her sometimes in our day-to-day messaging. Time difference is 7 hours which makes it difficult to stay in contact the day long.

A problem is my insecurity: Seeing the modern-day approach of dating around me and the decline of true commitment (my sister is going through a divorce right now), living in a politically progressive country, my worldly eyes grew infected of the idea that marriage doesn’t mean a lot. (However my own catholic heart is convinced about the Sacrament!)
I catch myself thinking that I still have to ‘fight’ for her love. Of course I know as a husband I have to fight for her wellbeing and to make her feel loved - I mean a different kind of fighting here - conquering/ courting, impressing her.

This is not her fault. I know her love is unconditional. I know she’s deeply in love. Part is that I feel so overwhelmed by how great, beautiful and holy she is that it’s easy to even distrust God in being so good to me.

This is not her fault. She sends me messages, keeps contact, but not always when I am desiring it. She is just busy saying her goodbyes, finishing her things in her own town - also emotionally, and that’s why I don’t like my own attitude and clinginess. I also know it will be difficult for her to leave her own country (though she already spent some time around my area, and she already lives pretty removed from her own family - she will even be closer to one of her sisters when she’s here!))

Anyone can help with some solid advice to really let the connection of the Sacrament ‘sink in’? To rely more on God and on her?

I guess I just want to be less selfish and more relaxed so I don’t bring myself to the temptation of desperation.

 

[dans0622]

…Anyone can help with some solid advice to really let the connection of the Sacrament ‘sink in’? To rely more on God and on her?

I guess I just want to be less selfish and more relaxed so I don’t bring myself to the temptation of desperation.

Hello,

Perhaps you can, repeatedly throughout the day whenever your feel tempted, offer to God your anxieties, loneliness, etc., on behalf of your wife and your marriage. This may be a way of refocusing your attention away from yourself.

Dan

 

[captainrick]

This was my situation:

30 July, 11 am: Marriage
30 July, 8 pm: I went back to my country
24 September: My wife came to my country (an 8 week wait - very difficult)

No phones and no computers available in her country.

Don’t worry, you’ll be fine, just have faith, as we did - before too long you’ll be together!

 

[EasterJoy]

My husband and I have had to be separated for months at at time. Here are my thoughts:

First off, it is not unusual to be particularly insecure about your marriage at the beginning. Let’s face it: you were practically slapping yourself to realize that the day you waited for for so long had finally come! Then, just like that, it is gone. You know everything is different, and yet you don’t “feel” any different. It takes awhile to wrap your mind around it. Don’t punish yourself for that. Do not punish your wife for that. Faithful? She is being faithful. She was faithful before you married, and she is faithful now. Are you tempted to go prowling around for other companionship, now that you are married? No. She isn’t, either. She may be dealing with the separation by keeping busy instead of by thinking about how hard it is all of the time, but she isn’t looking to forget she’s married. That jealousy is not about her, then. It is a temptation. Treat it like that. Grace does not teach us to fear, but to prudently see where danger could be and to avoid it serenely. Ask God to help you to accept the peace to trust your wife and to endure this separation with patience. What is impossible for you is not impossible with the help of God–but ask for the help! You can pray *and *row away from rocks at the same time!

In my experience, the first few days and the last few days of a separation are the worst. Hang in there, and try to be thankful that this isn’t going to last forever. In the meantime, do your best to ready your home in preparation for your wife’s arrival. Make your home look as if you have really gone to some trouble in anticipating her wants and needs! It ought to be in great shape and you ought to have something nice planned to show you put yourself out to be thoughtful about what she’d need when she arrived. Ask her mom and her sisters, your sisters, married female friends, and even your co-workers on ideas concerning thoughtful touches. These are the kind of things your wife will remember with affection for a lifetime–not the money spent, but the care you took in thinking of her–even if you don’t guess exactly right about what she wants. Have fun with it, too. This little project of “feathering the nest” will also help the time before her arrival go by easier. (The women in the family will also get a kick out of this little memory, trust me on that. We all love romantics, don’t we? )

By the way, this follows the general rule: When you are trying to avoid giving in to a temptation, find a virtuous project to occupy you in the opposite direction. When you ask yourself to “don’t do” without giving yourself a “do this” in its place, it is like asking your dog to “play dead” or “stay” indefinitely. It is not a realistic thing to ask, except in the very short term. You eventually have to find a “do this” instead of only “don’t do that,” or you’re going to fail. When your dog is too active to behave himself indoors, you take him outside for a run. Do that for your thoughts when they run and jump in all the wrong directions, too.

 

[Samwise1]

Dans,
I know that and I try that - problem is my own discipline is lacking. This is exactly why I miss her so much, she amongst a lot lot lot of other things, helps me to structure my own life and to point us to God as a couple. In that, for me is the model of Christian woman.

Rick,
and yet you survived and still are together? There are times I feel so afraid and overcome that I just can’t wrap my mind around being so happy. I don’t deserve this happiness, yet God is unfolding this beautiful miraculous plan.

EasterJoy,
thank you for this testimony! I can see my wife in the words/thoughts you wrote down.
For me it’s just difficult to really accept that this wonderful woman loves me so much. I’m completely in awe by the way she acted during our wedding and in the time leading up to that.

Regarding ‘feathering the nest’, I have some plans for that, I really know how to add a personal touch for her and I really like to prepare things like that, so it’s an excellent advice to get my mind off from missing her, thanks! I’m even making sure her flight is more pleasant than the way we already planned and I know some things she really liked so I’ll prepare these things for when she comes home.

A personal question, I have been ‘just friends’ with another young woman of my age since my 20s. Never romantically involved, but my wife had some questions about my relationship with her (that’s why I also decided to decrease friendship time with this woman). She is still single. Next weekend will be a wedding of mutual friends, some hours away from us. We agreed to go there together with another young female friend. I don’t have other shared friends that will also go from my area so logistically it’s a good option. Still I’m having second thoughts if I should ride with these two girls or make a different decision. Some first thoughts on this? Just wondering what you’d think if you were in her place.

 

[EasterJoy]

…A personal question, I have been ‘just friends’ with another young woman of my age since my 20s. Never romantically involved, but my wife had some questions about my relationship with her (that’s why I also decided to decrease friendship time with this woman). She is still single. Next weekend will be a wedding of mutual friends, some hours away from us. We agreed to go there together with another young female friend. I don’t have other shared friends that will also go from my area so logistically it’s a good option. Still I’m having second thoughts if I should ride with these two girls or make a different decision. Some first thoughts on this? Just wondering what you’d think if you were in her place.

I would ask your wife what she thought, ask her what decision would make her feel the best, and do that. The most practical thing in the world is to always put your wife’s feelings before other “practical” considerations. You will reap the dividends for a lifetime.

 

[E_7]

A personal question, I have been ‘just friends’ with another young woman of my age since my 20s. Never romantically involved, but my wife had some questions about my relationship with her (that’s why I also decided to decrease friendship time with this woman). She is still single. Next weekend will be a wedding of mutual friends, some hours away from us. We agreed to go there together with another young female friend. I don’t have other shared friends that will also go from my area so logistically it’s a good option. Still I’m having second thoughts if I should ride with these two girls or make a different decision. Some first thoughts on this? Just wondering what you’d think if you were in her place.

If I were in her place, I would tell my husband to not attend unless we go together like the married couple that we are. One body, one soul. Where he goes, I go. Never leaving the spouse behind. And also, I would stop being friends of the opposite sex that are single, and I would just have new married friends with my spouse as a couple. It is better to close those doors with lock , so that there won’t be any chance of temptation of the kind.

 

[chevalier]

These are the kind of things your wife will remember with affection for a lifetime–not the money spent, but the care you took in thinking of her–even if you don’t guess exactly right about what she wants.

What we want to receive is not necessarily more important than what the giver wants to give. This holds true even for women.

 

[Kelfa28]

Military wife here (as well as military myself).
Hubby and I know a little bit about being separated for months at a time.

Right now my husband is on orders here, at home, so we see each other…but only for a couple of hours every few days…until he gets a full day off.
It’s worse for the girls because they don’t see him for several days as he is gone before they get up and not home until long after they’ve gone to bed.

First of all…you’re married…you shouldn’t feel the need to fight for anything unless you don’t trust her.

When my husband and I are separated for extended periods of time…I try to keep myself as busy as possible.
With soon-to-be three kids now…that’s a no-brainer.
Nights are the hardest…the kids are in bed and I have more idle time on my hands. I try to devote more time to God.
I pray rosaries and read the Bible.
I also keep myself busy by cleaning the house, reading articles online, playing Wii or using Netflix.
I’d go to daily Mass more often…but it’s very tough managing that alone with 2 little kids and me being 33 weeks pregnant.
My husband and I Skype with the kids before they go to bed and then we might Skype again after they go to bed.

We try to work out the time differences as best as we can.

Four weeks seems like a long time…but it will fly by and she will be home. Just keep praying and finding time to talk to each other…if you can.

 

[Samwise1]

If I were in her place, I would tell my husband to not attend unless we go together like the married couple that we are. One body, one soul. Where he goes, I go. Never leaving the spouse behind. And also, I would stop being friends of the opposite sex that are single, and I would just have new married friends with my spouse as a couple. It is better to close those doors with lock , so that there won’t be any chance of temptation of the kind.

I’m already decreasing my contact with this single friend. She’s become also a bit of a mutual friend; also the parents of the bride I’ll visit are good friends of my wife (almost becoming foster-parents-of-faith in my country over my wife) so she really wouldn’t like if I wouldn’t go. I will represent the family we are now.
All comments here helped me to really ask her opinion about this and she’s okay. I’m really happy this will be the last time a visit will be so awkward. Next time yes, we’ll go together or we’ll not go.

What we want to receive is not necessarily more important than what the giver wants to give. This holds true even for women.

Chevalier, can you clarify? I like the expression but not totally sure how to interprey. Do you mean it’s more important that I give that what I think she’ll like above going out of bounds to do something impressive that I don’t like but guess she might like?

Generally, I almost have covered half of the separation time. Just a bit more than 3 weeks. I guess when it’s really past halftime, it’ll be easier. She’s really preparing her move and that helps me realize that soon we’ll really be together.

It’s a case of trust also, I’ll admit. I need to work on that. But more than a problem in my trust on her, it’s about trust in God: Is He really so good to bless me so abundantly with this special woman?

I feel a lot better now, thank you all!

 

[chevalier]

Chevalier, can you clarify? I like the expression but not totally sure how to interprey. Do you mean it’s more important that I give that what I think she’ll like above going out of bounds to do something impressive that I don’t like but guess she might like?

EasterJoy and I have a routine that goes many months back, years, now, think. But the serious part of my message was that just like with all sorts of gifts we get for Christmas, birthday etc., it’s not really critical that we get exactly the thing we would have wanted. We even become happier when we quit thinking about what we would like to receive but rather welcome the surprise and see the thoughtfulness of the giver.

On the other hand, sure, few things are more thoughtful than carefully analysing what would please your wife.

So if I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t completely, absolutely, focus on what my wife would want to get but rather what she would or could be happy to receive. That’s more personal, actually, I think.

This said, she’s going to be the lady of your house, it’s going to be (well, already is) her house, so it’s not the same as a gift. But I’d still probably do and think like I said before.

 

[Xantippe]

A problem is my insecurity: Seeing the modern-day approach of dating around me and the decline of true commitment (my sister is going through a divorce right now), living in a politically progressive country, my worldly eyes grew infected of the idea that marriage doesn’t mean a lot. (However my own catholic heart is convinced about the Sacrament!)
I catch myself thinking that I still have to ‘fight’ for her love. Of course I know as a husband I have to fight for her wellbeing and to make her feel loved - I mean a different kind of fighting here - conquering/ courting, impressing her.

The main person that you are going to need to fight to keep her love is you.

Keep busy so you have stuff to tell her about, so it’s not all, “I miiiiiss you” and “it’s so hard without youuuu.”

Good luck!

 

[E_7]

Keep busy so you have stuff to tell her about, so it’s not all, “I miiiiiss you” and “it’s so hard without youuuu.”

Good luck!

Oh yes!! I used to do this a lot when I was courting my now husband (we were in a long distance relationship, for OP information) . Since lying was out of the question, I used to do a lot of stuff, random or not, just to keep myself busy , so I could have something not monotonous to tell to my now husband . And it helped me feel better at the same time.

 

[Samwise1]

HI all,
I’m going to turn this thread into a ‘prayer requested’ thread.
I notice the last days until our reunion cause a lot of havoc in my soul. I feel impatient, underperforming, lazy, egoistic, jealous, insecure.
As some of you already suggested, I should invest my time in positive activities, like preparing the house. I could also put more energy into finding a better job with more salary and more satisfaction (current job makes me feel down and tired when I come home - also the salary will just barely be enough to provide), and finishing some left business (sorting out paperwork, etc.).

Instead I find myself always coming home and crashing into my couch, than getting distracted and surfing the Internet without any purpose, than panicking because my wife isn’t online all the time to respond to my messages (I don’t overdo the messages by the way, I just notice digital communication isn’t our thing).

I sometimes feel afraid my wife will draw me out of my comfort zone when she comes to my country. She’s far more outgoing and fashion-minded then me – I used to prefer a simple life but I see I need to allow her to make me the man I could be in Christ’s eyes: More outgoing and confident, which will also put her in a better mood in this different country. I want to live a ‘bigger life’ myself also!

->Honestly, she put me in awe during our wedding, my wife is so great in so many aspects that I sometimes feel afraid I won’t be enough for her - but then again, I know she choose me not because I’m perfect but because of her faith and her love, but this realization takes a lot of effort to process. You could say maybe I’m too humble about myself… ←

I’m okay – I just want to fend off the attacks of evil and progress to the more positive side, so I am ready and relaxed when I will pick her up at the airport (which is less than 2 weeks from now on).

I ask specifically your prayers to St. Joseph for my work, St. Michael for my spiritual sanity and St. Mary of Fatima for my wife.
And if someone has an advise for a patron saint to become more relaxed, please tell me

And if anyone has some practical advise to break this spirit, also please tell me – don’t tell me to be more disciplined too – I tried that. I just need to cheer my mind and soul up a bit.

 

[Snoink]

She’ll definitely draw you out of your comfort zone in more ways than you can imagine! Your life will completely change, whether you like it or not! And maybe she’ll help give you the incentives you need to be more dedicated to your work? I know my husband makes me step up my game…

Also! All the things you’re telling us here are probably things that she wants to hear. We love to know what is going on with our husbands’ minds, especially when they’re thinking nice things about us! Or when they’re big things, like possible career changes, that definitely have a possibility of impacting our lives in huge ways.

Congrats on your marriage!

 

[E_7]

She’ll definitely draw you out of your comfort zone in more ways than you can imagine! Your life will completely change, whether you like it or not! And maybe she’ll help give you the incentives you need to be more dedicated to your work? I know my husband makes me step up my game…

Also! All the things you’re telling us here are probably things that she wants to hear. We love to know what is going on with our husbands’ minds, especially when they’re thinking nice things about us! Or when they’re big things, like possible career changes, that definitely have a possibility of impacting our lives in huge ways.

Congrats on your marriage!

I second this.