M
mommamaree
Guest
Hello all.
Some of you might remember that I made the decision to go No Contact with my mother, who may have a serious personality disorder, last fall after some particularly egregious behavior. In the intervening 6 months, I have slowly but steadily regained my emotional wellbeing, to the joy of my family. Without the constant lying, manipulating, and emotional abuse, I have felt such freedom and happiness, like a breath of fresh air after being suffocated. I clearly set boundaries that I would not allow to be crossed. My version of No Contact included no texting, no emails, no calls, no letters, no Facebook contact, no visits (she lives across country). My blood pressure went down, my anxiety attacks ceased entirely.
Except…despite my clear description of MY boundaries, my mother has repeatedly tried to find ways around or past them. I have respected my own boundaries by never acknowledging these attempts. Communication FROM me to her has entirely ceased, but after an initial period of silence from her, she started peppering me with communications. Granted, most of it has revolved around attempts to communicate with her grandchildren (which my husband has intercepted and not allowed to occur). But I am feeling worn down lately, and quite vulnerable, as I just had a new baby (one of the reasons she has stepped up her efforts to ignore my sabbatical from her, no doubt).
Since November, she has sent cards, gifts (which very pointedly pointed out her favorites among my children while excluding my oldest daughter…). Then at Christmas, she called and texted. She also called her ex-husband, my legally-adoptive stepdad, with whom I have a tenuous relationship, to gain access to me through him, by questioning him about why I am doing this and asking him for information and trying to paint a picture of her being persecuted (of course, that doesn’t work with him anymore since she did a real number on him, too). Since then, she has regularly tried to contact me by texting. More recently, she has tried calling different numbers to reach me. Just today, I found that somehow, my Facebook security settings had changed enough, and although I had previously unfriended her, there she was in my Friends list, and had been able to see my Facebook page and updates for more than a week. My husband had already installed various blocking apps on my cell phone, but he admitted that when he checked the blocked queue, she had been texting again and requesting to come for a visit. Next month is my daughter’s birthday, and also my niece’s birthday (she is raising my niece). She is driving down south to visit my siblings, who also moved to the Deep South in adulthood, and is bringing my niece and wants to do a tour of the South kind of visit, where she goes from my sister’s home, to my home, to my brother’s home. She has already been informed that she is no longer welcome in our home.
All of her communications have been nonchalant (as if nothing has ever happened and our relationship is just peachy keen) or petulant (pretending as if I am punishing her for some unknown reason, rather than the reality of the situation, which is just me protecting myself and my daughter from further maltreatment). Never once has she apologized or shown an ounce of remorse. Not that I ever expected an apology…but it is just more of the same manipulative behavior.
Now, thanks to you CAFers, I know that it is important for ME to respect MY boundaries, even if she never does. That is why (and how) I have learned to just not respond to her attempts at communication. That has worked well enough, but in this vulnerable post-partum time, I am very emotional and confused about how to handle the increased efforts she is making to contact me. I am struggling with self-doubt to a ridiculous degree, despite the efforts of my husband and mother-in-law to reassure me and help me remember why I have to do this (“forgetfulness” and self-blame have always been my coping mechanisms, which is exactly how she trained me to be so that I would always come back and be the one to apologize).
What can I do about this? It is a very real possibility that in a few weeks, she will show up on my doorstep uninvited from a cross-country trip, expecting to be allowed back into our house and our lives. I don’t want to wilt under the pressure, and I don’t want to lose my substantial gains in emotional wellbeing that I have made since beginning my sabbatical from her. Also, my husband has forbidden her from being here, and from contact with the kids, as a safeguard against her manipulating me into allowing her back into our lives.
I am thinking that I should change the key code for the garage. Also, I am wondering what I should do if she shows up while we are home (very likely). And I am not sure what to do about her attempts to contact me through letters, texts, and calls. And I am not sure what to do about her having access to me via Facebook.
Please, if you have any experience with abusive parents or people with personality disorders, kindly share your thoughts on what I can do or how I can handle this. I would especially appreciate any thoughts on how to deal with this emotionally and spiritually, as well.
Some of you might remember that I made the decision to go No Contact with my mother, who may have a serious personality disorder, last fall after some particularly egregious behavior. In the intervening 6 months, I have slowly but steadily regained my emotional wellbeing, to the joy of my family. Without the constant lying, manipulating, and emotional abuse, I have felt such freedom and happiness, like a breath of fresh air after being suffocated. I clearly set boundaries that I would not allow to be crossed. My version of No Contact included no texting, no emails, no calls, no letters, no Facebook contact, no visits (she lives across country). My blood pressure went down, my anxiety attacks ceased entirely.
Except…despite my clear description of MY boundaries, my mother has repeatedly tried to find ways around or past them. I have respected my own boundaries by never acknowledging these attempts. Communication FROM me to her has entirely ceased, but after an initial period of silence from her, she started peppering me with communications. Granted, most of it has revolved around attempts to communicate with her grandchildren (which my husband has intercepted and not allowed to occur). But I am feeling worn down lately, and quite vulnerable, as I just had a new baby (one of the reasons she has stepped up her efforts to ignore my sabbatical from her, no doubt).
Since November, she has sent cards, gifts (which very pointedly pointed out her favorites among my children while excluding my oldest daughter…). Then at Christmas, she called and texted. She also called her ex-husband, my legally-adoptive stepdad, with whom I have a tenuous relationship, to gain access to me through him, by questioning him about why I am doing this and asking him for information and trying to paint a picture of her being persecuted (of course, that doesn’t work with him anymore since she did a real number on him, too). Since then, she has regularly tried to contact me by texting. More recently, she has tried calling different numbers to reach me. Just today, I found that somehow, my Facebook security settings had changed enough, and although I had previously unfriended her, there she was in my Friends list, and had been able to see my Facebook page and updates for more than a week. My husband had already installed various blocking apps on my cell phone, but he admitted that when he checked the blocked queue, she had been texting again and requesting to come for a visit. Next month is my daughter’s birthday, and also my niece’s birthday (she is raising my niece). She is driving down south to visit my siblings, who also moved to the Deep South in adulthood, and is bringing my niece and wants to do a tour of the South kind of visit, where she goes from my sister’s home, to my home, to my brother’s home. She has already been informed that she is no longer welcome in our home.
All of her communications have been nonchalant (as if nothing has ever happened and our relationship is just peachy keen) or petulant (pretending as if I am punishing her for some unknown reason, rather than the reality of the situation, which is just me protecting myself and my daughter from further maltreatment). Never once has she apologized or shown an ounce of remorse. Not that I ever expected an apology…but it is just more of the same manipulative behavior.
Now, thanks to you CAFers, I know that it is important for ME to respect MY boundaries, even if she never does. That is why (and how) I have learned to just not respond to her attempts at communication. That has worked well enough, but in this vulnerable post-partum time, I am very emotional and confused about how to handle the increased efforts she is making to contact me. I am struggling with self-doubt to a ridiculous degree, despite the efforts of my husband and mother-in-law to reassure me and help me remember why I have to do this (“forgetfulness” and self-blame have always been my coping mechanisms, which is exactly how she trained me to be so that I would always come back and be the one to apologize).
What can I do about this? It is a very real possibility that in a few weeks, she will show up on my doorstep uninvited from a cross-country trip, expecting to be allowed back into our house and our lives. I don’t want to wilt under the pressure, and I don’t want to lose my substantial gains in emotional wellbeing that I have made since beginning my sabbatical from her. Also, my husband has forbidden her from being here, and from contact with the kids, as a safeguard against her manipulating me into allowing her back into our lives.
I am thinking that I should change the key code for the garage. Also, I am wondering what I should do if she shows up while we are home (very likely). And I am not sure what to do about her attempts to contact me through letters, texts, and calls. And I am not sure what to do about her having access to me via Facebook.
Please, if you have any experience with abusive parents or people with personality disorders, kindly share your thoughts on what I can do or how I can handle this. I would especially appreciate any thoughts on how to deal with this emotionally and spiritually, as well.
