Ghost Lighting - Should I even bother?

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ForeverJoy

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My Mom has been ghost lighting me all my life. I didn’t recognize it for what it was until in my 40s and after years of therapy. Now that I know what to look for, it’s easier for me to recognize when I’m being played, although it’s still quite painful and maddening.

I’ve tried gently calling her out on it. Which for me is huge because I was raised to never say anything to upset her. But it always gets twisted around to me misunderstanding, mishearing what she said, making it up, etc. The only reason I’ve been able to remain sane is my DH has been witness to it and helps keep me grounded in reality, instead of confused and off balance when she’s on a roll. She also probably has Borderline personality disorder.

I love my mom, I really do. But I am so tired of being played. Of always not being good enough. Of always having to be acceptable to earn her love and approval. It’s exhausting. And the older she gets, the meaner she has been getting. For most of my life it was subtle manipulation, but now she’s less filtered and says things that leave me gaping.

She moved to another state recently, 18 hours away, and lives by herself. Most of our communication is by email or phone, but mostly email because it’s less hazardous than talking to her. When we visited recently she said multiple snarky comments each day about me, about my daughter (“My she looks fat in her wedding dress.”), to my husband, and all in front of our 12yr old.

I’m at the point where I’m feeling done with her. Not in an angry way, but in a “I’m tired of being a doormat” way. The problem is that I’m her only child, and my DH and kids are pretty much the only people she has left that really care about her. Everyone else walked away. And I totally understand why they did. Half of me wants to walk away, too. The guilty half of me says I should stay, pray and see it through to the end. Although if she lives as long as her mother, that will be another 20 years.

If I had to make a decision right now, I would walk away because of her latest stunt. I really don’t know what to do…
 
Yes I did, darn it. And I don’t know how to edit the title or my post. 😦
 
I think we have a responsibility towards our parents, though there are limits too.

Can you continue to talk, interact and visit her without it causing serious harm to you and your family? If its just an irritation or even some temporary anger, then its probably safe to continue the interaction. If its causing major issues for you and your family, you may have to limit or at least temporarily stop your interaction. I think we must have very serious reason to walk away from our parents. Your prayers and presence may be the only hope your mom may have for salvation.

If you do continue seeing her, I would say that you should be careful to limit the harm she can do- like limiting the information you give her and so forth. I know that in my case, I have separate family members who don’t talk to each other and I have to be careful not to not mention anything about one to the other, for fear of further problems.
 
I was going to suggest speaking to a family therapist. You say that you have been in therapy before. This should have come up. You need to learn to not be overly affected by the rude or crazy things that other people might say. If your mother is elderly, her behavior is probably not going to improve dramatically. If you are her only close relative, you should try not to cut off all contact. Perhaps your husband or one of your adult children could be in charge of contacting her periodically.
 
You have to do what’s right for you. You do not have to put up with being manipulated and insulted, but I understand your reluctance to cut all contact with your mother.

Only do as much as you can stand. If she is unpleasant to you when you visit her, I suggest you cut back on face to face communication and talk through emails or the phone. Set your boundaries, and keep to them. Be prepared for her to push them, but don’t let up. If she can’t be respectful and treat you and your family as she should, try to limit her opportunities to gaslight. Secret Catholic’s advice is excellent - judge what you can tolerate and work from there.

Lou
 
There are some good answers here, especially from secret Catholic and Lou2U.

I’m in your position–just finally got tired of exactly that sort of behavior and never called again. My mother never called me either–but she has other children and plenty of grandchildren–including my own kids–who give her tons of attention. [She treats them differently–we’re caught in an alcoholic/dysfunctional system.]

I myself walked away partly because of her negativity and criticism, and partly because it was the weight of an entire family treating me as the scapegoat and being abusive–and making it very clear they felt justified and it was not going to stop. XH was in on it, too.

I have often thought that I could just laugh it off, handle her in small doses if I had a family backing me up, grounding me in the reality that she’s just negative and critical and it reflects on her more than me. Just smile, nod, walk away and remind myself it’s her problem if she treats people that way.

Of course, I’m not in that position. I don’t know if I’d be able to do it even with support.

Have you tried the ‘daily affirmation’ sort of thing–telling yourself over and over that you are not these things, that you are all the good things your husband and friends see in you? Reminding yourself even as she speaks that she probably has a mental illness?

My final decision would always be based on 1) have I given it a good try (sounds like you’ve been trying for years), 2) is there anything else I can do to still show her kindness without harm to myself, and 3) IS it harming me to the point I can’t do what I’m called to do in life?

I don’t believe love and forgiveness require us to chop off our own arms, figuratively speaking. I did everything in my power to be the peacemaker in my family, but when it got to the point, between them and XH that I literally didn’t trust my own senses anymore, that I found myself listening to one of them speak and wondering if I was really hearing it–or at least when I would be told it never happened or that I misheard–when I was going into deep depression, self-hatred, and routine suicidal thoughts, when I was having to actively seek any reason to tell myself to keep living–I realized I was not being a ‘peace’ maker because this was NOT peace if only they had peace, and it was at my (very serious) expense.

I went to a priest, I sought advice here, I talked to a therapist and got EMDR therapy (which is used for post traumatic distress) and went no contact with my family. Then I filed for divorce, and the marriage has just been annulled. I feel no guilt whatsoever. But I also did it with a great deal of forethought and having given all of them every possible chance.

I hope any of that is helpful in making your decision.
 
We do have a responsibility to our parents. We have a responsibility to ourselves and to our children. I will not be a doormat. If my mother or father were affecting my health with their antics I would cut them loose. They made their bed now they can lie in it.
I haven’t had to deal with this issue so I’m only stating what I believe I would do.
May you and yours be filled with loving kindness. May you and yours be well. May you and yours be peaceful and at ease. May you and yours be happy.
 
My father did the same to me and other family members and I realised it in my mid 30. I know he has NPD. I tried all sorts of things to keep it all under control but of course, it didn’t work. It never works with such people. There are no boundaries. They love hurting those they claim to love. I stopped calling about five years ago and that has been it. People talk to me about forgivness and all that nice Christian stuff, but I know one thing they don’t: that toxic man would go after my kids. The wedding dress comment your mother made is the sort of thing he would regularly say with the purpose of distroying the confidence of the victim, and would also try to turn the kids against me. This is what he did to me and my brother, he continually played us against each other and against our mother.

It sounds like your mother likes to sink her teeth into your family members, and I think you should protect them from her. I don’t know if you should end all contact, but you should definitely keep her at safe distance. Sadly,such people don’t change for the better with age. The poison stays active.

Hope things work out and you make the right decision on what to do next. Praying for your intention.
 
If your mom is independent enough to move 18 hours away, why do you feel the need to care for her? I wonder if you may have some lingering co-dependancy that’s making you feel guilty.

I see people my age starting to have concerns about their aging parents. The one’s who had a healthy relationship with their parents don’t feel guilt over not being available to them all the time - mainly because they don’t yet need to be. But, the people who had abusive, unhealthy relationships with their parents feel guilt about nearly everything. The guilt may also have to do with the fact that a child knows that their parent has burned all of their bridges and nobody wants to be around them, so they are alone.

You don’t have to be close to her. Set some concrete barriers and stick to them, eventually she may figure it out.
 
ForeverJoy said:
My Mom has been ghost lighting me all my life. I didn’t recognize it for what it was until in my 40s and after years of therapy. Now that I know what to look for, it’s easier for me to recognize when I’m being played, although it’s still quite painful and maddening.

I’ve tried gently calling her out on it. Which for me is huge because I was raised to never say anything to upset her. But it always gets twisted around to me misunderstanding, mishearing what she said, making it up, etc. The only reason I’ve been able to remain sane is my DH has been witness to it and helps keep me grounded in reality, instead of confused and off balance when she’s on a roll. She also probably has Borderline personality disorder.

I love my mom, I really do. But I am so tired of being played. Of always not being good enough. Of always having to be acceptable to earn her love and approval. It’s exhausting. And the older she gets, the meaner she has been getting. For most of my life it was subtle manipulation, but now she’s less filtered and says things that leave me gaping.

She moved to another state recently, 18 hours away, and lives by herself. Most of our communication is by email or phone, but mostly email because it’s less hazardous than talking to her. When we visited recently she said multiple snarky comments each day about me, about my daughter (“My she looks fat in her wedding dress.”), to my husband, and all in front of our 12yr old.

I’m at the point where I’m feeling done with her. Not in an angry way, but in a “I’m tired of being a doormat” way. The problem is that I’m her only child, and my DH and kids are pretty much the only people she has left that really care about her. Everyone else walked away. And I totally understand why they did. Half of me wants to walk away, too. The guilty half of me says I should stay, pray and see it through to the end. Although if she lives as long as her mother, that will be another 20 years.

If I had to make a decision right now, I would walk away because of her latest stunt. I really don’t know what to do…
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While I firmly believe that we have an obligation to care for our elderly parents, it doesn’t mean that we have to put up with them being mean and spiteful to us. You state that she lives 18 hours away. That may be a blessing in disguise. My advice would be to maintain regular email correspondence to make sure she is taking care of herself and is safe and avoid putting yourself in a position where she can say hurtful things to you or about your children in from of you/them. If you do plan a visit to see her in person, insist on ground rules ahead of time and if she breaks the rules, leave.
 
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