Girl I'm kind of interested in

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Ianjo99

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Hey, I’m not sure if this is the place to talk about dating advice, but I thought I would give it a shot nonetheless. (if this isn’t the appropriate place, please let me know!)

So there’s this one girl that I really like, but have no idea if she likes me back or anything. Last weekend we both were pretty “flirty” with each other, but the circumstances were a bit auspicious. For one, we both had a few drinks (myself more than a few) at one of my fraternity’s parties. Secondly, we wound up talking at her place after the party (no, nothing happened).

Normally, I wouldn’t think twice about just talking to her and asking her out. But she happens to be the sister of one of fraternity brothers. He’s cool with me dating her and all, but I worry about the possible ramifications if my attraction to her is unrequited. It would make it insanely awkward everytime I hung out with him, especially if she happened to be there.

My question is, do I just attempt to talk to her (it’s a bit of a hassle to do so, given that I have no other reason to go to that part of town aside from visiting her and she probably knows that), or do I ignore everything and hope that she either lets me know one way or another?

I don’t want her to think that she was just another girl I met at a frat party or that I am such a loser as to not talk to her. Ugh.

Anyway, sorry for dragging this out. If you have any advice (other than not drink when I’m trying to impress girls), please feel free to give it!

Thanks,

Ian
 
If she is a Catholic, you may consider inviting her to Mass.
 
Hey Ian,
sounds like you should just be friends with her. You should only get into a dating relationship after having been friends with her for a while, and see her as a possible candidate for marriage to you. That’s the purpose of dating in the first place, you know. Ask yourself, are you ready for marriage in the first place? Doe this girl have the qualities of a good wife and mother? If you don’t know, sounds like you need to become friends first and stay friends for a while. If you’re not ready for marriage, don’t date.

-unworthy
 
I suppose the ultimate objective is a wife. But at the same time, without dating, I don’t really see how I would know which girls would make an appropriate wife. It seems a bit creepy to immediately think of potential girlfriends as potential wives.

The idea that if I’m not ready for marriage that I shouldn’t date doesn’t strike me as something that should be taken into account. Marriage and dating are two very different things. One leads to the other, yes, but to consider them so closely aligned is a bit odd.
 
unworthy said:
Hey Ian,
sounds like you should just be friends with her. You should only get into a dating relationship after having been friends with her for a while, and see her as a possible candidate for marriage to you. That’s the purpose of dating in the first place, you know. Ask yourself, are you ready for marriage in the first place? Doe this girl have the qualities of a good wife and mother? If you don’t know, sounds like you need to become friends first and stay friends for a while. If you’re not ready for marriage, don’t date.

-unworthy
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I would second this advice. My advice would be to get to know her as a friend first. As your friendship progresses, you should be able to say “Yeah, she has the kind of qualities I would like to see in a wife someday” which could then lead to a relationship, or you’ll say “I like this girl, she makes a great friend, but I know now that I could never marry her” and that’s that, you’re just friends. You don’t have to date someone to get to know them better and learn about the possibility of marrying them. I would dare say that if more people treated relationships like that, you would first have longer and more meaningful relationships, and that a lot of heartbreak could be avoided.
 
Marriage and dating are two very different things. One leads to the other, yes, but to consider them so closely aligned is a bit odd.
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What you said is a bit odd.

Why don’t you answer this question then it may all become clear: What is dating?

Regarding the girl: Don’t sweat it. Relax. In a grown up world it is okay to express interest and if the interest is not returned well so be it. No biggie. It might bug you if you are rejected, but then it can be a good exercise in humility and may get you a little closer to heaven.

Your sense of confidence should come from the knowledge that God made you and He certainly knows how to make a man.
 
Dude, have your frat brother ask her if she’s interested. Make sure he can pull it off like he wasn’t asked by you to do so.

Easy pie.
Josh
 
It seems a bit creepy to immediately think of potential girlfriends as potential wives.
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lol, Ian, but that’s the actual point of dating. It’s perhaps a new concept to you, which is why it seems wierd. I’m in University right now, and if any guy thinks of dating me, I want him to see me as a potential wife, not as an object with whom he can hang out and flirt with; there’s a purpose to why we date. How about reading this on Catholic courtship, tell me what you think:
revolutionoflove.com/soapbox/courtship/courtship.htm
 
unworthy said:
lol, Ian, but that’s the actual point of dating. It’s perhaps a new concept to you, which is why it seems wierd. I’m in University right now, and if any guy thinks of dating me, I want him to see me as a potential wife, not as an object with whom he can hang out and flirt with; there’s a purpose to why we date. How about reading this on Catholic courtship, tell me what you think:
revolutionoflove.com/soapbox/courtship/courtship.htm
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I took your advice and read the material. I have to say that it is a well-written article and brings up many good ideas.

Having said that, I find it quite unrealistic in many ways.

I suppose that the idea is to “go back” to a time when courtship was more honest and pure than by today’s standards. This type of regression implies that there actually was a time when this type of behavior was strictly followed and was invariably better. Despite the fact that I don’t believe that there was a time when courtship was as lovely as the article made it out to be, I will ignore that for now (as not to get into a whole other topic).

Personally, I think that dating has evolved, for better or worse, past this type of courting. As opposed to an emphasis on parental approval and communal assent to someone’s love interest, younger people have become more individualized. As a result, dating presupposes marital inclinations in that it allows for two people to become closer both emotionally and spiritually to find out whether or not this person is the one to spend the rest of my life with.

I suppose the idea is that friendships shoudl be emphasized as to make dating obsolete (because everything learned about the person during dating could be accomplished through a close friendship). But even this isn’t really realistic.

Overall, I personally believe the idea of courtship has evolved to a more complex and intricate system designed to unite the two lovers closer than by mere group activites and family functions. This may make it seem like I advocate premarital sex. I don’t, though I don’t think that all physical interaction is reserved solely for marriage. The issue of premarital sex is something that each couple has to decide on their own. Without it, they can still share a great deal of emotional and loving support for one another without necessarily committing themselves to the prospect of marriage.
 
If you’re interested in her but don’t want to flat-out ask her out on a date, you could try to arrange some sort of small group situation where you could have the opportunity to talk to her.

I don’t think you have to imagine her being your wife at this point. Of course, if she’s someone that you couldn’t ever imagine marrying, then I wouldn’t date her.

I’ve never been real impressed with the idea of courtship, which seems to be popular in some circles, but I guess it works for some people. It’s not for me though.
 
Ian,

You’re right that dating has definitely changed over time, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t strive for a better version of the garbage definition of today.

Coming from a girl’s perspective, I just want to reaffirm previous posters, in saying, start with a friendship. That’s how you really get to know a person. That’s not to say you can’t spend one-on-one time with this girl, but that you keep the romance out, at least for a while. Once you spend a good amount of time with her, getting to really know her, then you can take it to the next step, if you still really see her as a person who you could envision possibly spending the rest of your life with. Getting to know her without the physical really helps in seeing the real person, without the blinders of physical intimacy. Things like going to museums, bowling, dinners, walks in the park, zoos, volunteering at the local soup kitchen, inviting her to Mass or other Catholic events, spending time with eachother’s families if possible - those are things that will help you see her for who she is. Then, if you continue to like her even more, you can begin the romance.

Dating just to date, without the idea of future spouse in mind, can really hurt. As a woman, I don’t want to get involved with a man emotionally (and that happens more quickly when romance is involved) unless I know he sees me as a potential forever. Maybe not all women are like that, but those who are going to enter into marriage as a lifelong commitment have that mindset. If I am in a friendship and it ends (which I’ve been in many with men), then it still kind of hurts if I like that person, but nothing was done that I will regret later (yes, even kissing can be regretful when you realize that this is not forever). There’s nothing wrong with certain amounts and types of physical intimacy before marriage, but I’d also say that before marriage is the PERFECT time to practice other ways of love because it’s so easy to fall into just physical intimacy when you haven’t practiced the others, once you’re in marriage. It’ll be nice to have that down pat.

I know this seems a little serious considering you’ve only just met this girl and have merely a crush on her now, but unfortunately, our society today says to only look at the present - who cares about the future? I’d say, go against the grain. Your future wife will thank you for it, whether it be this girl or another. As Catholics, we kind of tend to do that anyway :D.
 
If you are good friends with the fraternity brother, try to get information from him. What he tells you might reveal a lot about you chances and you could get some advice about her from someone who knows.

Two things though:
  1. The danger in “taking it slowly” and just “being friends” is that you risk someone else snatching her from you. If I had been a bit more aggressive years ago there might have been a Norsewoman and some Norsekids already.
  2. The whole “FUI” (flirting while under the influence) can be risky. Although you may lose inhibitions about approaching her due to normal shyness, both of youse could get into a situation in which youse could lose control and defile each other. Especially in a “frat” environment.
 
Regarding the issue of premarital sex being decided by each couple on their own.

There is no right or wrong regarding having sex before marriage?

That is news to me.

Do you know where you are? This is a catholic forum where usually you would be discussing things according to the teachings of the Church. The Church teaches what is best for us, best for our happiness here and in the next life.

Sex is the same today as it was 2000 years ago, Man and woman relationships are still the same as they were. Appropriate behaviour is still the same as it was 2000 years ago. The world may change, people may change but the truth doesn’t.

I do not understand your remarks about things being different now. You don’t sound as if you were well formed in the Catholic faith.
 
I agree with threej_lc. It’s the easiest solution. Her brother will tell you everything you’d need to know. She probably is interested. Alcohol tends to loosen the lips.

I also agree with lotusblossom. Friendship is important. If I’m told that a boy I briefly met at a party likes me, I’d be like “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?” It’s nice if I know he exists first. It’s important to me to be his friend first and then maybe his girlfriend later. A relationship based solely on attraction is unfulfilling when it comes to the heart.

Find out if you two have anything in common, like hobbies or music tastes or whatever. It’s an easy conversation starter when given the chance. No awkward silences guaranteed.

But watch out if you do get involved with her. Her brother will tear you apart if you happen to hurt his sister.
 
Jehanne_Darc said:
Regarding the issue of premarital sex being decided by each couple on their own.

There is no right or wrong regarding having sex before marriage?

That is news to me.

Do you know where you are? This is a catholic forum where usually you would be discussing things according to the teachings of the Church. The Church teaches what is best for us, best for our happiness here and in the next life.

Sex is the same today as it was 2000 years ago, Man and woman relationships are still the same as they were. Appropriate behaviour is still the same as it was 2000 years ago. The world may change, people may change but the truth doesn’t.

I do not understand your remarks about things being different now. You don’t sound as if you were well formed in the Catholic faith.
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You make an assumption on my formation based off three or so sentences that ambiguously talk about premarital sex? Judgemental, aren’t we?

First off, my point was to encompass all relationships, Catholic or not. Since not everyone abides by the same standards we do, it does make it a decision between the couple. While they would, God-willing, make a decision to abstain from sex until marriage, the argument that God forbids it doesn’t hold up against nonreligious people.

My comments were talking about courtship versus dating and the evolution of the courtship process. In that sense, yes, things have changed. Societal norms usually dictate the level of emotional attachment a couple commits to each other before marriage.

Oh, by the way, appropriate behavior is not the same as it was 2000 years ago. There are many things considered acceptable today (even within regards to the Catholic faith) that were most assuredly not allowed 2000 years ago (in terms of society) .

Quick note, don’t ever judge how well I was formed in Catholicism. I was raised strictly Catholic, know the ins and outs of our faith, and am quite aware of what is allowed and not allowed. This isn’t meant to bolster my ego. It’s to dissuade you from making snap judgements on someone’s level of knowledge and faith.

On another note, Thanks to all who responded! I have taken the advice of a few of you and thank you all for helping me out!!
 
Yikes. Just ask her out. Too much drama. Treat her with respect and if it doesn’t work out, all parties will just have to accept it. If you’re going to think of her as anything, remember that she’s somebody’s daughter/sister and put yourself in their shoes when deciding how to treat her. Ask yourself constantly how you would feel if your daughter was treated like x, y or z.
 
bear06 said:
Yikes. Just ask her out. Too much drama. Treat her with respect and if it doesn’t work out, all parties will just have to accept it. If you’re going to think of her as anything, remember that she’s somebody’s daughter/sister and put yourself in their shoes when deciding how to treat her. Ask yourself constantly how you would feel if your daughter was treated like x, y or z.
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True enough! Probably the best advice I’ve heard on or off the forums. I was mostly worried because she’s a girl I’ve liked for some time and didn’t want to screw it up.

Ugh, too much over something so small!
 
Got you angry and defensive?

Good.
Now follow your great upbringing and trust in God. Do not be afraid of being humbled.
 
You are stressing too much about this. Ask her out. If she isn’t interested, she’ll let you know, and you can moe along. No harm, no foul.

I just wanted to say two other things:
  1. I love your name. My son (age 2.5) is named Ian, too. I’ve never met an Ian I didn’t like.
  2. It is refreshing to encounter a college student who can write well. There are so many people older than you and with college degrees who can’t put together a coherent sentence – it is nice to see you writing so clearly and competently. Kudos to you.
 
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