Girlfriend advice and prayers needed

[JoyIsLikeRain]

To make a long story short:

• we’re both in our late 20’s
  -we both met this summer
  -we have been dating for under 3 months
  -we just happen to live within a 15 minute walk of each other
  -she comes from a large, conservative American Catholic family in a different state
  -I am a local guy from a small, ethnic Catholic family
  -she was home-schooled for most of her life; I did public and private schools
  -she has been on many dates, but not really gone “steady” (LTR)
  -I have gone “steady” (had LTRs), but I’m not one to casually date around.

I’m easygoing and I’m so far ok with our what seem to be relatively-few differences. She’s energetic, child-like, family-oriented and rather sheltered - she’s always talking about her family. She also seemingly has difficulty making decisions on her own and constantly asks me what she should do. I get bored with this but I don’t want to say anything for risk of hurting her feelings.

I like music, books, concerts, traveling, cars, cycling, trying new food and drinks, socializing, and meeting new people. She isn’t into much of those, beyond socializing.

She’s a very conservative (aka traditional) Catholic; I’m more moderate. She prefers going to parishes with altar rails and mantillas; I’m just happy to go to mass on Sundays anywhere.

So what’s not to like?

A few days ago, she said the three words - “I love you.” It was in the car, and we were driving home from a Christmas party where she had more than a few glasses of wine (I was driving stone-sober).

She kept saying it. I feel for me to say “I love you,” it has to come from the heart after being with a person in a deep, long relationship. I can’t say it right away without truly feeling it.

I finally said “I can’t say that at the moment. I just don’t use that term lightly.” She said “I don’t either.”

So now, I feel awkward. She also keeps making plans with her or even my friends and forgetting to invite me, or telling me at the last-minute.

I believe that God brought her to me. But, I keep asking Him if it’s His will that we should be together.
I want to love her- she’s pretty and not a mean, cold, vulgar person (apart from the occasional girly gossip). But, I feel almost exhausted.

Give it some time?
Pray more about it?
Help guide her to a more mature state in the relationship?
Or, just part as friends?

 

[EnglishTeacher]

To make a long story short:

• we’re both in our late 20’s
  -we both met this summer
  -we have been dating for under 3 months
  -we just happen to live within a 15 minute walk of each other
  -she comes from a large, conservative American Catholic family in a different state
  -I am a local guy from a small, ethnic Catholic family
  -she was home-schooled for most of her life; I did public and private schools
  -she has been on many dates, but not really gone “steady” (LTR)
  -I have gone “steady” (had LTRs), but I’m not one to casually date around.

I’m easygoing and I’m so far ok with our what seem to be relatively-few differences. She’s energetic, child-like, family-oriented and rather sheltered - she’s always talking about her family. She also seemingly has difficulty making decisions on her own and constantly asks me what she should do. I get bored with this but I don’t want to say anything for risk of hurting her feelings.

I like music, books, concerts, traveling, cars, cycling, trying new food and drinks, socializing, and meeting new people. She isn’t into much of those, beyond socializing.

She’s a very conservative (aka traditional) Catholic; I’m more moderate. She prefers going to parishes with altar rails and mantillas; I’m just happy to go to mass on Sundays anywhere.

So what’s not to like?

A few days ago, she said the three words - “I love you.” It was in the car, and we were driving home from a Christmas party where she had more than a few glasses of wine (I was driving stone-sober).

She kept saying it. I feel for me to say “I love you,” it has to come from the heart after being with a person in a deep, long relationship. I can’t say it right away without truly feeling it.

I finally said “I can’t say that at the moment. I just don’t use that term lightly.” She said “I don’t either.”

So now, I feel awkward. She also keeps making plans with her or even my friends and forgetting to invite me, or telling me at the last-minute.

I believe that God brought her to me. But, I keep asking Him if it’s His will that we should be together.
I want to love her- she’s pretty and not a mean, cold, vulgar person (apart from the occasional girly gossip). But, I feel almost exhausted.

Give it some time?
Pray more about it?
Help guide her to a more mature state in the relationship?
Or, just part as friends?

From what you’ve said, it sounds like you may not be a great match for each other. She sounds like a nice-enough girl who is nevertheless immature for her age and may not have what it takes to be in a serious relationship right now. It’s not a great sign that she is unwilling to move beyond her comfort zone and take an interest in any of the activities that you enjoy. Have you had an honest talk with her about the things that bother you?

It’s also troubling that she is “forgetting” to invite you to events. It sounds very much as though she is passively-aggressively playing games with you; and that needs to be addressed.

Just out of curiosity, what does she do for a living? She doesn’t still live at home, does she? Also, what about her do you like, and what was it that drew you to her initially, besides her being pretty and Catholic?

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

Just out of curiosity, what does she do for a living? She doesn’t still live at home, does she? Also, what about her do you like, and what was it that drew you to her initially, besides her being pretty and Catholic?

She works full-time and lives in a big apartment with roommates.

Initially, she was so engaging, nice and energetic. It was refreshing to be with a girl who wasn’t jaded, vulgar, and uncharitable.

Yet, now, I feel like the luster has worn away. I know she likes dancing, and although we are not great dancers (she bumps into lots of people on the dance floor and I get reluctant to go out dancing), that’s one thing we enjoy together.

At the same time, her sweet nice-ness speaks to me. I’ve dated cold, mean girls. Yet, I don’t want to date Pollyana, either. Sometimes I find ourselves having nothing to talk about over drinks, beyond the people we know. Other times, I find myself talking about church frequently as she nods silently with approval, or I let her go on about her parents or many siblings while my eyes get gazy.

 

[Xantippe]

From what you’ve said, it sounds like you may not be a great match for each other. She sounds like a nice-enough girl who is nevertheless immature for her age and may not have what it takes to be in a serious relationship right now. It’s not a great sign that she is unwilling to move beyond her comfort zone and take an interest in any of the activities that you enjoy. Have you had an honest talk with her about the things that bother you?

It’s also troubling that she is “forgetting” to invite you to events. It sounds very much as though she is passively-aggressively playing games with you; and that needs to be addressed.

Just out of curiosity, what does she do for a living? She doesn’t still live at home, does she? Also, what about her do you like, and what was it that drew you to her initially, besides her being pretty and Catholic?

Yes.

I wouldn’t give her grief for not inviting him to everything, though.

It just doesn’t sound like they have a lot in common, beyond both being Catholic, youngish, and able to fog a mirror.

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

It’s also troubling that she is “forgetting” to invite you to events. It sounds very much as though she is passively-aggressively playing games with you; and that needs to be addressed.

Indeed, I’m thinking of a way to address this without sounding controlling or whiny,

For example, she made plans to get drinks with one of my friends (she is also a girl; we’ve always hung out in group settings before). She told me the day before. I was disappointed she mentioned none of this. I said if it’s a girls night, just count me out of it. She then said she wants me there and wants to invite the other girls she lives with.
I still didn’t have any desire in going as an afterthought.

She also has numerous family members coming in for the holidays (some last-minute), and she continues to keep changing our holiday plans between us. I know the holidays are stressful even without guests, so I’m trying not to rock the boat too much. Yet, we’ll make a plan, and then down the road she’ll ask “what are we doing for ____ ?” which is then followed with a “Oh, because so-and-so wants to go to ____.”

 

[Xantippe]

She works full-time and lives in a big apartment with roommates.

Initially, she was so engaging, nice and energetic. It was refreshing to be with a girl who wasn’t jaded, vulgar, and uncharitable.

Yet, now, I feel like the luster has worn away. I know she likes dancing, and although we are not great dancers (she bumps into lots of people on the dance floor and I get reluctant to go out dancing), that’s one thing we enjoy together.

At the same time, her sweet nice-ness speaks to me. I’ve dated cold, mean girls. Yet, I don’t want to date Pollyana, either. Sometimes I find ourselves having nothing to talk about over drinks, beyond the people we know. Other times, I find myself talking about church frequently as she nods silently with approval, or I let her go on about her parents or many siblings while my eyes get gazy.

Please let this nice girl go her own way!

There are lots of warm, nice girls that you would have way more in common with that you haven’t met yet.

You are not the last two single Catholics on earth–you do not have to make this work.

 

[Xantippe]

Indeed, I’m thinking of a way to address this without sounding controlling or whiny,

For example, she made plans to get drinks with one of my friends (she is also a girl; we’ve always hung out in group settings before). She told me the day before. I was disappointed she mentioned none of this. I said if it’s a girls night, just count me out of it. She then said she wants me there and wants to invite the other girls she lives with.
I still didn’t have any desire in going as an afterthought.

She also has numerous family members coming in for the holidays (some last-minute), and she continues to keep changing our holiday plans between us. I know the holidays are stressful even without guests, so I’m trying not to rock the boat too much. Yet, we’ll make a plan, and then down the road she’ll ask “what are we doing for ____ ?” which is then followed with a “Oh, because so-and-so wants to go to ____.”

Is she maybe just a little disorganized, immature and impulsive?

In any case, don’t worry about it.

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

Is she maybe just a little disorganized, immature and impulsive?

In any case, don’t worry about it.

Well, it is snowballing, at least with me. I’m known to be a last-minute person at times as well, so I try to be accommodating.

Yet, should I dare say she is moving “too fast” or giving-in to infatuation? I am rather cautious and slow-moving during the early part of a relationship. She hasn’t even met any of my family yet - we planned for Christmas eve, but my gut feeling is that these plans will change at the last minute due to her guests.

For me, I see her as God’s gift and to see what He has in store for us. Yet, maybe my prayers and questions are being answered with the events I see happening?

 

[pollylodges]

Saint Michael, the archangel, defend us in battle, be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the devil, may God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And do you, O’ Prince of the Heavenly host, by the power of God thrust into Hell Satan and all the other evil spirits who prowl about the world for the ruin of souls.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

 

[EnglishTeacher]

If you still think there may be long-term potential with your girlfriend, have an honest talk with her about the issues in your relationship, such as the lack of shared interests, but most especially about why she has been “forgetting” to include you lately. As I said before, it sounds as though she is playing games with you, but there could be another explanation.

On the other hand, if you feel that you are not right for each other (which may well be the case, given her apparent immaturity, your growing weariness with the relationship, and the fact that you don’t seem to have a whole lot to talk about), then just end it. Sometimes these things just don’t work out, and that is the point of dating–to discover whether the other person is compatible with you. It sounds to me as though the two of you are not.

 

[Colorad007]

Have you actually tried being honest and talking with her about all of this? I mean, if you’re concerned that you are at different places in the relationship, why wouldn’t you talk about that? It is far worse to lead her heart down a rabbit trail than it is to be honest now. That doesn’t mean break up, but it does mean communicating about the pace and nature of the relationship.

By the way, don’t invest too much in the whole shared interests thing. What matters is whether you can love her, help her get to heaven, and whether she can do same for you and your children. Start there and then worry about your interests and stuff like that. She sounds like a wonderful girl and I would give it some time to develop. Just be careful of her heart and be honest.

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

Have you actually tried being honest and talking with her about all of this? I mean, if you’re concerned that you are at different places in the relationship, why wouldn’t you talk about that? It is far worse to lead her heart down a rabbit trail than it is to be honest now. That doesn’t mean break up, but it does mean communicating about the pace and nature of the relationship.

By the way, don’t invest too much in the whole shared interests thing. What matters is whether you can love her, help her get to heaven, and whether she can do same for you and your children. Start there and then worry about your interests and stuff like that. She sounds like a wonderful girl and I would give it some time to develop. Just be careful of her heart and be honest.

And that’s the thing. I’m trying to be careful of her heart. We’ve spoken about some matters.

Yet, she seems rather fragile and sensitive in some aspects and I’m trying my best to proceed with extreme caution. This involves looking for the right time to talk - she frequently occupies herself with what her other girlfriends are doing, her family is doing, or what is going on in church and shares these details with me.
While I appreciate her sweet approach to these things, I want to wait for some down time to have a real “talk.”

 

[Xantippe]

Well, it is snowballing, at least with me. I’m known to be a last-minute person at times as well, so I try to be accommodating.

Yet, should I dare say she is moving “too fast” or giving-in to infatuation? I am rather cautious and slow-moving during the early part of a relationship. She hasn’t even met any of my family yet - we planned for Christmas eve, but my gut feeling is that these plans will change at the last minute due to her guests.

For me, I see her as God’s gift and to see what He has in store for us. Yet, maybe my prayers and questions are being answered with the events I see happening?

I feel like you should have way more to talk about than just other people.

 

[Xantippe]

And that’s the thing. I’m trying to be careful of her heart. We’ve spoken about some matters.

Yet, she seems rather fragile and sensitive in some aspects and I’m trying my best to proceed with extreme caution. This involves looking for the right time to talk - she frequently occupies herself with what her other girlfriends are doing, her family is doing, or what is going on in church and shares these details with me.
While I appreciate her sweet approach to these things, I want to wait for some down time to have a real “talk.”

What is there to talk about?

“Suzanne, you’re just not interesting enough.”

I don’t know that “be more interesting to me” is a fair thing to ask of another human being.

 

[TyburnTreeHuggr]

If you’re not crazy about her family and you don’t share similar interests in music, I’d say you’re in for a long hard road, buddy.

You’d be better off finding a girlfriend who is a better intellectual match for you, in my opinion.

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

What is there to talk about?

“Suzanne, you’re just not interesting enough.”

I don’t know that “be more interesting to me” is a fair thing to ask of another human being.

I think you’re taking it a little to dramatic - I believe that you can dig around and find something interesting in anyone (and I hope the same with you, and you aren’t as truly of a rash person as your typing suggests otherwise).

I am aware that conversation can get one-sided, so I try to get her to speak about her home state - which then goes into her family. I try to speak about travels- which then evolves into her family. I try to engage her about local things- which then evolves into local parochial activities and the people there.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

I think you’re taking it a little to dramatic - I believe that you can dig around and find something interesting in anyone (and I hope the same with you, and you aren’t as truly of a rash person as your typing suggests otherwise).

I am aware that conversation can get one-sided, so I try to get her to speak about her home state - which then goes into her family. I try to speak about travels- which then evolves into her family. I try to engage her about local things- which then evolves into local parochial activities and the people there.

The thing is, though, if you have been dating for almost three months and still are having difficulty coming up with topics of conversation that interest both of you, then that’s probably a good sign that you aren’t right for each other.

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

The thing is, though, if you have been dating for almost three months and still are having difficulty coming up with topics of conversation that interest both of you, then that’s probably a good sign that you aren’t right for each other.

You’re probably right.

She’s nice, I’d like to keep her as a friend (and we live by each other and have many friends in common). But, like you said, I’m growing weary - the 4-page text messages about her family or her roommates, yakking away at parties while I sit and silently hold her hand.

 

[MJJean]

I think you’re taking it a little to dramatic - I believe that you can dig around and find something interesting in anyone (and I hope the same with you, and you aren’t as truly of a rash person as your typing suggests otherwise).

I am aware that conversation can get one-sided, so I try to get her to speak about her home state - which then goes into her family. I try to speak about travels- which then evolves into her family. I try to engage her about local things- which then evolves into local parochial activities and the people there.

Sure, there is something interesting about everyone. That I believe. The problem here is that you’re dating with an eye finding a woman to marry, yes? Marriage is for life. This is a very long time to be with someone in such an intimate relationship (not just the sexual intimacy, but also all the big and the little things marrieds share), day in and day out, that you don’t find very interesting and that has so little in common with you.

My husband and I have some separate interests and some different ideas of a good way to spend time together, but even after 15 years as a couple and 12 years married I still think he is one of the most attractive, intelligent, witty, and interesting people I have ever met in my entire life. I’d rather spend time with him than anyone else I know hands down.

We have a lot in common, but we also have some differences of opinion. Between the two we rarely lack something to talk about over a glass of wine. Sometimes, it’s a bit difficult because we’ve been married for so long and so much of our lives are shared that we might not have anything new to say at the moment. That happens rarely and when it does we simply enjoy companionable silence until something comes along to chat or have a lively debate about. But back when we were dating? When we were first married? Shoot, back then we’d talk our way through dinner and drinks, talk our way through a visit to a friends house, and talk our way through the drive home. We’d be so loathe to part we’d sit in the driveway and talk for hours after we got there! That’s not counting the phone calls.

Shared values and views are important. Differences are also important. A balance of the two can make a relationship very rich…full…deep. But only if the partners find themselves attracted to and interested in each other and each are willing to at least learn about the interests of the other if not outright willing to participate in them.

Being a bit bored and having your eyes glaze over while she chatters on, finding her not very interesting, etc. seem like red flags to me. You two just don’t seem like a good match.

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

Sure, there is something interesting about everyone. That I believe. The problem here is that you’re dating with an eye finding a woman to marry, yes? Marriage is for life. This is a very long time to be with someone in such an intimate relationship (not just the sexual intimacy, but also all the big and the little things marrieds share), day in and day out, that you don’t find very interesting and that has so little in common with you…

Being a bit bored and having your eyes glaze over while she chatters on, finding her not very interesting, etc. seem like red flags to me. You two just don’t seem like a good match.

And yes, I try to play “for keeps.” As I mentioned before, I don’t date around casually for the sake of having someone on my arm. Initially, I said to myself “There’s something here” when I asked her out.

She, on the other hand, has little qualms in pointing out to me at parties which guys she went on a “date or two” with (most of our shared friends are from local parish groups, and they have frequent get-to-gethers, especially now at Christmastime).