Girlfriend advice and prayers needed

[Lorelei12]

The common interests thing isn’t necessarily a deal-breaker. I love to read, travel, and try new foods. My husband likes none of those things, but will occasionally do some of them for me. Nowadays with a new baby we have no time for anything recreational anyway.

I also wouldn’t be upset about her making plans without you. Is there some reason it bothers you for her to make plans to do things on her own sometimes?

However, if you have trouble even having a conversation with each other that’s a problem. If her conversations bore you now, do you really want a lifetime of them? Can you see yourself looking forward to coming home to her every day for the rest of your life?

Sometimes my husband’s eyes glaze over when I’m talking about something too. Sometimes he yammers on about something I have no interest in either. But mostly, we never had to “come up with conversation topics” while dating or now- we just talk. I was interested in his life and he was interested in mine. That included our friends and families. If you are bored by this girl and her life, you should probably let her go. Then you can seek a partner who you want to know more about and want to talk to.

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

I also wouldn’t be upset about her making plans without you. Is there some reason it bothers you for her to make plans to do things on her own sometimes?

Making plans without me is ok. I understand we can’t do everything together, and I also need “me-time” as well.
However, these are plans that come out of the woodwork at the last minute, usually begun with a “Uuuh, yea, sorry I forgot to tell you” or “Oooh, sorry I forgot to invite you to____, did you want to go?”

If it’s a girls’ night, I told her it’s ok to not invite me. If it’s with old friends to catch up, that’s fine if I’m not there. But if it’s with one of my friends? I think that’s cause for some notification.

 

[frizzgrig]

A lot of people feel the need to fill the silence with noise. I would not worry so much about the conversation (to a point) but rather how comfortable are the silences?

 

[MJJean]

And yes, I try to play “for keeps.” As I mentioned before, I don’t date around casually for the sake of having someone on my arm. Initially, I said to myself “There’s something here” when I asked her out.

She, on the other hand, has little qualms in pointing out to me at parties which guys she went on a “date or two” with (most of our shared friends are from local parish groups, and they have frequent get-to-gethers, especially now at Christmastime).

Most people think “There’s something here…” when they ask someone out on a date. After a few months or so they have had enough time to realize that they were either right or wrong in their initial assessment. The question is what to do about it? I am not one to waste time, mine or someone elses. I figure 3-12 (12 being the outside) months of dating should give a person a pretty good idea if they are heading toward marriage or not. If not, I believe in breaking it off so to not waste time or keep us both from finding a good match.

As far as the men she dated, I can see a few reasons for bringing it up. She could want to be totally honest with you so you’re not blindsided later. She could be bringing it up to make you jealous by pointing out she has appealed to many different men enough to get a few dates with them. She could also be subtly telling you she has dated before and won’t crawl into a hole and die if you break up. I think the first two are the most likely and the last is true, but not why she’s pointing out who she has dated.

If you were my friends and you came to me saying the things about the relationship you have said here, I’d tell you to RUN!

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

A lot of people feel the need to fill the silence with noise. I would not worry so much about the conversation (to a point) but rather how comfortable are the silences?

Good question - I feel uncomfortable because I clearly sense she’s uncomfortable.

My heart hurts though. I want to love her at some point. I have this hope that maybe I’m only seeing one side of her.

 

[St_Francis]

You seem to want to continue the relationship. You might want to consider the reasons for that.

 

[Xantippe]

Sure, there is something interesting about everyone. That I believe. The problem here is that you’re dating with an eye finding a woman to marry, yes? Marriage is for life. This is a very long time to be with someone in such an intimate relationship (not just the sexual intimacy, but also all the big and the little things marrieds share), day in and day out, that you don’t find very interesting and that has so little in common with you.

My husband and I have some separate interests and some different ideas of a good way to spend time together, but even after 15 years as a couple and 12 years married I still think he is one of the most attractive, intelligent, witty, and interesting people I have ever met in my entire life. I’d rather spend time with him than anyone else I know hands down.

We have a lot in common, but we also have some differences of opinion. Between the two we rarely lack something to talk about over a glass of wine. Sometimes, it’s a bit difficult because we’ve been married for so long and so much of our lives are shared that we might not have anything new to say at the moment. That happens rarely and when it does we simply enjoy companionable silence until something comes along to chat or have a lively debate about. But back when we were dating? When we were first married? Shoot, back then we’d talk our way through dinner and drinks, talk our way through a visit to a friends house, and talk our way through the drive home. We’d be so loathe to part we’d sit in the driveway and talk for hours after we got there! That’s not counting the phone calls.

Shared values and views are important. Differences are also important. A balance of the two can make a relationship very rich…full…deep. But only if the partners find themselves attracted to and interested in each other and each are willing to at least learn about the interests of the other if not outright willing to participate in them.

Being a bit bored and having your eyes glaze over while she chatters on, finding her not very interesting, etc. seem like red flags to me. You two just don’t seem like a good match.

Yes.

It should be almost impossible to stop talking with a good match, at least early on.

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

You seem to want to continue the relationship. You might want to consider the reasons for that.

Part of me is enchanted by her sweetness, albeit less-than-mature.

Part of me has hope things will get better, thus my prayers.

 

[Xantippe]

Most people think “There’s something here…” when they ask someone out on a date. After a few months or so they have had enough time to realize that they were either right or wrong in their initial assessment. The question is what to do about it? I am not one to waste time, mine or someone elses. I figure 3-12 (12 being the outside) months of dating should give a person a pretty good idea if they are heading toward marriage or not. If not, I believe in breaking it off so to not waste time or keep us both from finding a good match.

As far as the men she dated, I can see a few reasons for bringing it up. She could want to be totally honest with you so you’re not blindsided later. She could be bringing it up to make you jealous by pointing out she has appealed to many different men enough to get a few dates with them. She could also be subtly telling you she has dated before and won’t crawl into a hole and die if you break up. I think the first two are the most likely and the last is true, but not why she’s pointing out who she has dated.

If you were my friends and you came to me saying the things about the relationship you have said here, I’d tell you to RUN!

Yes, it’s certainly been long enough to figure out if there’s something worthwhile there.

I think she’s the right girl for somebody, but probably not for you.

 

[Isca]

You are fond of her, but not enough. There’s nothing wrong with that, she sounds like a nice girl, but not the right nice girl for you.

If she is in love with you, you already know that she’s committed to you in her heart. I think that maybe you need to have a conversation about how you feel - and don’t let her turn it into one about her family. This isn’t about them, it’s about the two of you.

 

[St_Francis]

Part of me is enchanted by her sweetness, albeit less-than-mature.

Part of me has hope things will get better, thus my prayers.

Overall, it’s seems like this might or might not be a good match between you two, but it sounds to me like the major problem is that she is not yet very mature. Maybe stay friends and see what develops in a couple of years, after she’s had a chance to learn more about herself and developed more social maturity?

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

She is clearly looking for leadership on your part. Are you willing to be that guy? You’re tired of it already. She won’t change that side of her, she is used to being a follower type of person, hence she won’t respect you if you’re not going to lead. This is vitally important to the health of your relationship.

So she’s pointing out other men she has dated? Perhaps she’s trying to get you to step forward.

Remember no one is perfect. So she’s not going to be every last thing you want in a wife, can you live with what you do see? There’s a lot to like about a girl who is not mean, cold or vulgar, and who likes you. But conversation should flow more easily than it does, I do agree with other posters about that. Remember you’re never going to have the exact same interests, can you still get conversations going? Find out what she likes about children, after all, she’ll be the mother of your children should you marry her.

Good luck with your discernment.

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

She is clearly looking for leadership on your part. Are you willing to be that guy? You’re tired of it already. She won’t change that side of her, she is used to being a follower type of person, hence she won’t respect you if you’re not going to lead. This is vitally important to the health of your relationship.

So she’s pointing out other men she has dated? Perhaps she’s trying to get you to step forward.

Good luck with your discernment.

Thank you.

And when she points them out, she usually frowns and says something negative about the guy. It could be she wants me to be better than they are, or just her way of making conversation.
She is definitely a follower; having come from a large, disciplinarian family that had little freedom in their childhood, to going to a small, strict Catholic college for girls. Most of her decisions have usually been made for her. However, I thought “Well, perhaps I can help show her a more independent world?” I feel that balloon is deflating, however.

 

[pianistclare]

She sounds fairly immature, and you sound like someone who is not.
It’s not your responsibility to make sure that she does not get hurt in a fairly new relationship, Honest. She went from 0-60, you didn’t.
She sounds fairly passive aggressive as another poster said. Do you want to always be walking on eggshells? She likely is getting pressure to settle down from her conservative family. As Xan said, there’s lot of nice women out there. We read them all the time on CAF. Young women who are mature, serious about their faith and also fun an don’t take themselves quite so seriously. I think there’s someone better for you out there, and I believe that if you keep putting off realizing it, you will be dong the very thing you want to avoid. You will break her heart. She’s not ready for a serious relationship, if only after 2 months she’s taking over your day planner.
You sound like a nice guy. There’s someone wonderful out there for you.
Someone that you can be equal partners with.

 

[Xantippe]

Thank you.

And when she points them out, she usually frowns and says something negative about the guy. It could be she wants me to be better than they are, or just her way of making conversation.
She is definitely a follower; having come from a large, disciplinarian family that had little freedom in their childhood, to going to a small, strict Catholic college for girls. Most of her decisions have usually been made for her. However, I thought “Well, perhaps I can help show her a more independent world?” I feel that balloon is deflating, however.

That makes me think of Disney’s Aladdin singing “A Whole New World” with Princess Jasmine.

youtube.com/watch?v=-kl4hJ4j48s

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

She sounds fairly immature, and you sound like someone who is not.
It’s not your responsibility to make sure that she does not get hurt in a fairly new relationship, Honest. She went from 0-60, you didn’t.
She sounds fairly passive aggressive as another poster said. Do you want to always be walking on eggshells? She likely is getting pressure to settle down from her conservative family. As Xan said, there’s lot of nice women out there. We read them all the time on CAF. Young women who are mature, serious about their faith and also fun an don’t take themselves quite so seriously. I think there’s someone better for you out there, and I believe that if you keep putting off realizing it, you will be dong the very thing you want to avoid. You will break her heart. She’s not ready for a serious relationship, if only after 2 months she’s taking over your day planner.
You sound like a nice guy. There’s someone wonderful out there for you.
Someone that you can be equal partners with.

Perhaps so.

I feel like she’s a red Ferrari accelerating fast into traffic, and I’m in an old diesel Mercedes and I’m still cautiously merging onto the expressway.

 

[pianistclare]

Perhaps so.

I feel like she’s a red Ferrari accelerating fast into traffic, and I’m in an old diesel Mercedes and I’m still cautiously merging onto the expressway.

We I guess there’s your answer.
If you meet her folks at Christmas, don’t get railroaded into anything, “son”.

 

[MJJean]

Thank you.

And when she points them out, she usually frowns and says something negative about the guy. It could be she wants me to be better than they are, or just her way of making conversation.
She is definitely a follower; having come from a large, disciplinarian family that had little freedom in their childhood, to going to a small, strict Catholic college for girls. Most of her decisions have usually been made for her. However, I thought “Well, perhaps I can help show her a more independent world?” I feel that balloon is deflating, however.

It sounds like she comes from a small world and you want to lead her out into the wider world. The question is, does she want to go? Perhaps she’s happy with her simpler world view. If so, can you see being happy with this woman every day for th rest of your life?

You say you want to love her, but if you aren’t naturally having those feelings for her that should tell you something.

 

[felsguy]

For me, I see her as God’s gift and to see what He has in store for us. Yet, maybe my prayers and questions are being answered with the events I see happening?

I hesitate to give advice on line to a perfect stranger, especially in serious matters of the heart but…

there’s a story (abbreviated verson here) which may apply. Seems there was a man who as flood waters approached and eventually engulfed his house refused to be evacuated by a rescuers who came by, first in a jeep, then in a boat, and finally in a helicopter, saying that he was relying on God to save him. Subsequently the man drowned and upon reaching heaven berated God for not answering his prayers. And God responded “I sent you a jeep, a boat, and a helicopter. What more did you need?”

From what you have posted, it may well be that the jeep and the boat have already gone by and the helicopter is hovering overhead.

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

We I guess there’s your answer.
If you meet her folks at Christmas, don’t get railroaded into anything, “son”.

She has siblings and cousins coming over for the holidays, as her parents live in a different state. I guess I’ll be seeing those folks.

Last night we had several talks.

She didn’t realize making plans with my friends and inviting me as a afterthought was something that could be upsetting.

She forgot our Christmas plans for the 4th time, brought up the plans her roomate’s family has, and I had to tell her that she agreed to our plans about 4x, even though she claims she didn’t.

She also stopped saying “I love you.” - while some people have congratulated me on the fact she told me that, I am just about relieved that she has taken a break from saying this. She said it several times in person on two occasions - we weren’t in situations where I could discus what makes her say that after 2.5 months and a glass of wine or two.