Girlfriend advice and prayers needed

[JoyIsLikeRain]

So, did you break up?

I feel like you are both kind of goading the other to break up with you because neither of you have the guts to actually do it.

How about breaking up cleanly and moving on, without wasting any more time? You can both do a lot better.

I said I want to take a break. She kept saying “no.” Then we had this talk.

 

[Xantippe]

I said I want to take a break. She kept saying “no.” Then we had this talk.

Why a break rather than a breakup?

You want your girlfriend to be a totally different person (and I suspect she may want the same of you). That’s just not a reasonable or respectful thing to expect of another human being.

Don’t do a break. Cut her loose and give both of you your freedom.

 

[Irishmom2]

**

Why a break rather than a breakup?

You want your girlfriend to be a totally different person (and I suspect she may want the same of you). That’s just not a reasonable or respectful thing to expect of another human being.

Don’t do a break. Cut her loose and give both of you your freedom.

This. Now you are making excuses. She is nice, the ball is in her court.

Uh, no, it is in yours. She might very well be a nice girl, but she is very immature for you.

What is a break going to accomplish? Is she going to learn how to hold up her end of the conversation? (It shouldn’t be this hard to make conversation…) Is she going to stop being flighty? No, she is too young to realize what she is doing to earn that label.

You sound like you just don’t want to be the one to end it, and maybe just a tiny bit, you are comfortable being with someone and don’t want to give that up, even when it isn’t working out.

 

[Xantippe]

**

Uh, no, it is in yours. She might very well be a nice girl, but she is very immature for you.

What is a break going to accomplish? Is she going to learn how to hold up her end of the conversation? (It shouldn’t be this hard to make conversation…) Is she going to stop being flighty? No, she is too young to realize what she is doing to earn that label.

**I read the OP again, and they are both in their later 20s.

At that age, what you see is basically what you get. **

 

[chevalier]

[Sorry, please delete.]

 

[chevalier]

She ran off to join some other girls like a kid in a candy store once we got there, and I couldn’t find her in the crowds. She reappeared almost two hours later, intoxicated and loud.

I’m gonna hate myself for saying this, what with not judging a book by a cover or people by a single incident, being loving and forgiving and all, but that sort of thing really is something to make a man want to sit down and rethink the relationship.

Just for the record, intoxicated and loud is what those innocent inexperienced folks become when they first have one drink too many. So if she somehow managed to quaff one of those things that have almost 80 proof and taste like juice, then you’d have your answers.

I wouldn’t begrudge her the immaturity, but you just can’t have a girlfriend that’s going to just forget that you’re there with her. It’s possible that you will need to let her go, because if she ends up forcing herself to mind you more, she’s not going to be happy about that. She basically needs to allow the change to happen naturally or at least make the radical step herself for her own sake, not yours.

We talked about her maturity level in comparison to mine. We both said that she may be unsure of what she really wants in a partner, as I am her first long-term boyfriend. We discussed how early-on she explained how her mother pushed marraige and that really worried me. I explained to her that it is good that she places her family first, but also she needs to do homework on what she needs at this time in her life: finish her MBA, get serious with a man, or focus on her siblings who all live in another state.

Well, yeah, and she perhaps needs friends to talk about that with, but not really a boyfriend. You can’t be both boyfriend and counsellor for a girl you barely know.

She told me she talks about her siblings to me frequently because she says she doesn’t know what else to talk to me about.

That’s a problem. Maybe not the end of the world, since with nobody at all can you just babble on for hours on no end day after day, but you’re generally supposed to have something to talk about with a person you’d consider getting engaged with.

Instead, we discovered we don’t have a lot of shared interests nor have our conversations gone very deep, mainly because she claims she’s too shy, and I don’t want to do all the talking and rambling about my own things.

Don’t overdo the ‘process talk’, but it seems you guys are at least capable of setting your communication straight, which is actually a rare skill.

Anyway, it looks like it’s possible that you guys might just be highly appreciative of each other’s overall appeal as a nice or pretty person or whatever, without really having much in common. Such a relationship wouldn’t necessarily be doomed, depending on the attitude you have (one can always find some new interests together or do a lot of learning about each other’s hobbies etc.), but it’s going to be tricky. At least it looks like you’re quite remarkably capable of tackling challenge, yourself.

It felt good to get that out in the open for me, but of course, I still feel guilty because she’s simply such a nice, good person.

Be careful about that. Guilt is a tricky thing and a bad motivator for relationships. In some cases (e.g. my own), it can get mixed up with pride and some desires that one’s too much of a hypocrite to openly admit being unable to let go of. In short, guilt can be destructive of itself but also a convenient smokescreen for other sorts of things, especially since a guilt trip is capable of stealing the trappings of a nobler instinct such as loyalty or magnanimity. Been there done that.

I even said I don’t want to hurt her by stringing her along, and she understood that.

The way things are, it’s more about her hurting you than the other way round. You can be protective of her and all, but it would serve nothing good to help her develop a self-centred perspective or a habit of minding her own needs more than yours. You have to put her first, but you can’t be teaching her to put herself first.

---

One more thing — obviously, it’s not like you have to ‘dump’ her for that drinking incident. ‘Dumping’ is not a punishment but a decision to end a relationship that has no future or a bad future. We don’t need to punish people by ending a relationship over something silly they do.

Also, chances are you’re going to see some intoxicated and loud if you marry a woman. Things happen. Just because they happpened for the first time now and not 2 years later may very well be a simple accident of no real cause or consequence, so don’t allow it to pressure you into doing something you don’t really want to do or attaching more importance to it than it’s worth (although it’s worth quite some attention in its own right, of course).

On a final note, it kinda feels strange from a guy to a guy, but you don’t strike me as a type who would stay single for too long. You seem to have some of those communication skills and situational maturity that make it easier. Thus, I personally wouldn’t worry for your future.

 

[sherimarie]

It sounds to me like you would like to call it quits. There is no shame in that. You will be better off if you “nip it in the bud”.

If not though, you would have more to talk over if you traded the bar scene for - anything that is not the bar scene-, I mean you take her to the bar and complain because she got drunk.

Try the zoo, there is lots to talk about at the zoo…

I wouldn’t be happy with someone I couldn’t connect with. Going and doing something worthwhile together is your best bet. My husband and I only went on one dinner date before we married, but we had picnics and went sidewalk counseling and helped out at church. Always lots to talk about!

 

[TyburnTreeHuggr]

Hello Again! Tyburn (from Page 1) here!

I read through this entire thread from beginning to end last night and I think I come up with a bit of advice for your waffling, Rainman:

Break up with her. The worst that could happen is you get back together.

The best-case scenario is that you find someone who is A) Not boring, B) Not** flaky, C) Not immature, or D) All of the above.

Can you even imagine how much you will resent this girl is you marry her if you resent her so frequently (and in an anonymously public way) now? Man, you’re liable to either explode from trying to “be nice” and hold all that criticism in, or you’ll just wither away into a shadow of your former self. It’s not worth it.

Keep us all posted (and now I’m invested again).**