Girlfriend and getting Married

[Dm_18]

So I have been with my girlfriend now for 2 years and everything was going good. As our relationship stood I did get the feeling I would like to marry her, the only problem is that she is not Catholic (she claims she is Church of England but not really practicing). From the first day i got with her I did let her know that I am Catholic and she was ok with it (My mum did at some point tell her that to marry me she would need to be catholic, which she also seemed fine with).She has come to me often wanting to know more about being catholic and being really enthusiasticabout converting. She has also asked me a few random times whether I would marry her to which i would reply yes and also stating the need for her to be catholic .A few months back her attitude on this matter changed because as she says, “her mother has told her certain bad things about catholics which she cant tell me” and anytime i reply to her marriage question with the religion part she just gets angry.Now recently we both discussed getting married (subject which she had brought up) and during it I mentioned the point my mother had made about her needing to be catholic to marry me and also the alternativeas i understand if she doesnt become catholic that I as a Catholic have a responsibility to raise my children in the Catholic faith to which again she responded with anger and stating i am pressuring/controlling her. This last conversation led to her being angrier than any other time to the point she had her brother threaten me . When she had calmed down she told me if she became catholic her family would not talk to her again. So now im thinking she is making decisions based on what her want to do. This leaves me thinking shouldthis relationship carry on any further? If we do marry without her converting, what will her family think of the children being catholic? or what would they possibly do to me for being catholic? Any advice would be very much appreciated.

Many Thanks

 

[ValPal]

The simple answer is that if you can’t communicate and agree on basic issues, don’t get married. Issues prior to marriage simply get magnified many times over once you are married. I recommend either finding that common ground, or moving on.

 

[Kelfa28]

The simple answer is that if you can’t communicate and agree on basic issues, don’t get married. Issues prior to marriage simply get magnified many times over once you are married. I recommend either finding that common ground, or moving on.

This.

The biggest flag I saw in your post was the fact that your girlfriend an’t seem to tell you things she has heard from her mother about the Catholic church.
It doesn’t matter what those things are. The fact that she can’t tell you is a massive red flag.

I don’t keep things from my husband. He is the first person I talk to about everything in my life. We live together, we are raising kids together and we are closer to each other physically and mentally then with anyone else on the planet. Therefore it isn’t wise for me to hide things from him or choose not to tell him things because I feel they might hurt him.

You and your mother cannot force her to convert to Catholicism. This is something she needs to do on her own and she needs to want to do this. Besides, it’s not uncommon to marry a non-Catholic. It may be considered unwise thought.

Personally, I’d say move on. Marriage is a big deal. It’s a lifelong commitment that cannot be taken lightly.
Does she want to get married because she feels called to marry you or does she want a ring and a big wedding?

 

[robwar]

Several red flags here. When you say you are “together” for 2 years does that mean you are living together? Living together before marriage is one of the biggest detriments to a long term committed happy marriage. If you both are living together and having premarital sex, you need to stop if that is the situation. The religion issues and differences are also important. You should go to speak to a priest.

 

[Francie3]

Someone you would ask to marry you and claims to love you would get her brother to threaten you? That sounds a scary red flag in a relationship. This family is trying to control/manipulate you by threat and emotional blackmail?

And she can talk to her mother about the serious matter of your Catholic faith but not to you, about matters radical to you and your relationship?

You made your responsibilities as a Catholic known to her during the two years of courtship, and then she changes with her family influence? Her choice seems to be with her family not a ‘future husband’.

It’s sad that you are put in such a position, and that you are being betrayed by her attitudes and refusals.
It’s sad that with either option, marrying her, and not marrying her means heartache for you, except that marrying her would be lifelong, and would affect your children also, and relations with her family would be conditional upon your sublimating your faith.

Praying for you in this sad situation.

 

[Delaine75]

As others have said, definitely some red flags here that I would be concerned about. You might want to pray long and hard about this woman and if this is truly the one God wants you to marry because it seems as though she’s prepared to allow her family to make the decisions for her life. Praying for you both…

 

[Waiting]

The simple answer is that if you can’t communicate and agree on basic issues, don’t get married. Issues prior to marriage simply get magnified many times over once you are married. I recommend either finding that common ground, or moving on.

 

[preisinger]

Imagine yourself with her in 10 years with children and visiting family. Is it a good picture? Or do you envision conflict. From the sounds of your post I would suppose more conflict. Do you really want that life? Find a girl that you want to build a long life with not just one that you are enjoying today with.

 

[Elisabethelisa]

This.

The biggest flag I saw in your post was the fact that your girlfriend an’t seem to tell you things she has heard from her mother about the Catholic church.
It doesn’t matter what those things are. The fact that she can’t tell you is a massive red flag.

I don’t keep things from my husband. He is the first person I talk to about everything in my life. We live together, we are raising kids together and we are closer to each other physically and mentally then with anyone else on the planet. Therefore it isn’t wise for me to hide things from him or choose not to tell him things because I feel they might hurt him.

You and your mother cannot force her to convert to Catholicism. This is something she needs to do on her own and she needs to want to do this. Besides, it’s not uncommon to marry a non-Catholic. It may be considered unwise thought.

Personally, I’d say move on. Marriage is a big deal. It’s a lifelong commitment that cannot be taken lightly.
Does she want to get married because she feels called to marry you or does she want a ring and a big wedding?

 

[chevalier]

This.

The biggest flag I saw in your post was the fact that your girlfriend an’t seem to tell you things she has heard from her mother about the Catholic church.
It doesn’t matter what those things are. The fact that she can’t tell you is a massive red flag. ?

Yes, I agree. That’s a big instance of being cut out of the information loop. This will not magically heal once you have married.

again she responded with anger and stating i am pressuring/controlling her.

I guess that’d be standard fare in such situations. However, especially your mother telling her she needs to convert does give a controlling vibe. I’m not judging, I’ve been slapped the same label on too.

This last conversation led to her being angrier than any other time

I see her getting angry is a prominent institution in your relationship? The “any other time” is telling. You can’t live in a marriage ruled by her anger.

When she had calmed down she told me if she became catholic her family would not talk to her again. So now im thinking she is making decisions based on what her want to do. This leaves me thinking shouldthis relationship carry on any further? If we do marry without her converting, what will her family think of the children being catholic? or what would they possibly do to me for being catholic? Any advice would be very much appreciated.

That coin has two sides. You can’t really live a normal marriage with a woman whose decisions are partly made or subject to review by her family. On the other hand a family-oriented woman will tend to value the (name removed by moderator)ut of her birth family. Perhaps you need to see these two things together.

But anyway, you can’t marry her as it is right now, I believe.

Someone you would ask to marry you and claims to love you would get her brother to threaten you? That sounds a scary red flag in a relationship. This family is trying to control/manipulate you by threat and emotional blackmail?

True but if a woman sees an agitated man, especially with raised voices and pointed statements, accusations etc., she may feel threatened physically and freak out. So I wouldn’t be completely sure on that one.

 

[Catholic1954]

I don’t see a very happy marriage for you if you marry this young lady. It sounds like she is easily manipulated by her family and is developing a contempt for your faith. If my girl/boy friend sent a brother to threaten me, I would be gone.

 

[Lucky7]

You are unequally yoked…move on.

 

[mrs_ahs]

1. It is not true that she needs to be Catholic to marry you
2. I would move on, from what you are describing
3. It sounds like you have some boundary issues with your mother. Try to get those resolved before moving forward with any other relationships, and in the future do not allow your mother to take part in the decision-making aspects of your relationships with women. That is just not appropriate and it will cause major problems in your relationships. Trust me. Read the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.

 

[dedo]

There are scary red flags on both ends. A brother threatening you? You telling your girlfriend she must become Catholic? Based on what – your mother? Secrets about Catholics that your girlfriend will not discuss with you?

Two ingredients that I think are a must for a marriage to survive:

1. Boundaries with family members.
2. Don’t try to run your spouse’s life. This is an easy mistake to make; however, if you do it you will regret it.

 

[chero23]

You know Im going similar situations with my gf of almost 2 yrs. She’s Seventh Day Adventists and on several occassions, she has told me that her church believes that my church is the whore of babylon and that the pope is the antichrist. 4 months into our relationship my mom meet her parents andthe 5 of us talked about our relationship. To get to the grain of that evening her dad said “theirs no part in the Bible that states that an infant has to be baptized. SO if ya baptize your kids I won’t go to the baptism”. I told my gf why didn’t you stand up to your dad, the whole time we were there you didn’t say a single word. Last wk i told her that she had to make a choice, either one we split or the other option was to get married and never have kids. i told her I will not bring a child into this life and have your church ppl and family tell the kid that my church somehow is the source of all evil.
Its a tough decision man, no doubt about it. You have to believe in our Catholic Faith. Remember ppl always try to knock down those who are the top. Our Catholic Church has always been inspired ny the Holy Spirit, that’s the reason why we have been for 2000 plus yrs. Stick to your guns. IDK if ya have brought up the have no kids option. It is a strong option and delicate one, but since she gets angrier everytime ya speak about the topic, to the point of having her brother threaten you is not a good thing. She has already shown her cards and they were aggressive

 

[Kelfa28]

You know Im going similar situations with my gf of almost 2 yrs. She’s Seventh Day Adventists and on several occassions, she has told me that her church believes that my church is the whore of babylon and that the pope is the antichrist. 4 months into our relationship my mom meet her parents andthe 5 of us talked about our relationship. To get to the grain of that evening her dad said “theirs no part in the Bible that states that an infant has to be baptized. SO if ya baptize your kids I won’t go to the baptism”. I told my gf why didn’t you stand up to your dad, the whole time we were there you didn’t say a single word. Last wk i told her that she had to make a choice, either one we split or the other option was to get married and never have kids. i told her I will not bring a child into this life and have your church ppl and family tell the kid that my church somehow is the source of all evil.
Its a tough decision man, no doubt about it. You have to believe in our Catholic Faith. Remember ppl always try to knock down those who are the top. Our Catholic Church has always been inspired ny the Holy Spirit, that’s the reason why we have been for 2000 plus yrs. Stick to your guns. IDK if ya have brought up the have no kids option. It is a strong option and delicate one, but since she gets angrier everytime ya speak about the topic, to the point of having her brother threaten you is not a good thing. She has already shown her cards and they were aggressive

You can’t purposely go into a Catholic marriage with the “agreement” to have no children.

A Catholic marriage is unitive and procreative. Catholic marriages are compelled to bring life into this world and raise them Catholic. This is one reason why contraception is considered intrinsically evil. You must always be open to life within a Catholic marriage.

You cannot decide to never have children within a marriage. That makes the marriage invalid.

 

[chero23]

Yes your right, but why bring kids and have a tug-a-war with them b/w my gf’s family and mine. I mean if we do end up getting married and come up to a good agreement, you can always adopt. How many kids out there need the love of a family. Look the thing is not to just have kids left and right. The real dilemma is the raising of the kids. I know that you know of ppl who have kids, multiple kids and leave their kids alone at home, or one spends the time with one dad, another one with another dad, and so forth. Yes their making babies but what are they teaching them? I think that as a human being you gotta see the whole picture.

 

[Kelfa28]

Yes your right, but why bring kids and have a tug-a-war with them b/w my gf’s family and mine. I mean if we do end up getting married and come up to a good agreement, you can always adopt. How many kids out there need the love of a family. Look the thing is not to just have kids left and right. The real dilemma is the raising of the kids. I know that you know of ppl who have kids, multiple kids and leave their kids alone at home, or one spends the time with one dad, another one with another dad, and so forth. Yes their making babies but what are they teaching them? I think that as a human being you gotta see the whole picture.

Simple. You just don’t marry her. Break up. Start over. Find someone who practices your faith and then discern marriage.

Going into a Catholic marriage doesn’t mean you just have children “left and right.” It means that you have children and rear them within the CATHOLIC faith. No excuses. If there is an excuse then you can’t get married to that person.

If you can’t make the commitment to have children within a marriage, or at least try to have children, then you cannot get married to that person.

Period.

There should never be an excuse. Church law is Church law. That is the whole picture. The whole picture is that you are to discern marriage within the teachings of the Church. You don’t make excuses if Church teaching doesn’t fit your situation or other’s situation.

I don’t understand the logic of choosing to marry someone with a litany of excuses because certain things aren’t working.

It’s part of your vows that you take to one another. To be open to life and accept life that is given to you by God. Not to actively prevent life from happening. It’s in the Catechism. It’s plainly Church teaching. You either believe it or you don’t.

How would that be accomplished anyway? Unless it’s a totally celibate marriage it would never work according to the laws that the Church teaches.