Girlfriend breaking up with me to be closer to God

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Kevin23

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Hey there, im new to this forum but I just need advice on the situation im in atm. I know my problem may not seem that dire compared to other posts here but im just hoping for some advice. Im 22 and my girlfriend is 21.

So just yesterday my girlfriend came back from a retreat over the weekend and told me she couldn’t be with me anymore. We are both practising catholics and are both very active in our youth group. Just yesterday my girlfriend of 3 years and 6 months told me that she couldn’t be with me anymore. It kind of came as a surprise to me because on the day i took her to the airport for her to go on the retreat she was really loving and sweet. I know its only a few days but i still missed her, the fact that she was so loving and sweet to me before she left gave me hope and kept me excited for when she’d be back and I could have her in my arms again. But when i came to pick her up from the airport, she seemed distant from me and wouldn’t talk to me in the car. I asked her what was wrong but she wouldn’t tell me, this made me sad as i was hoping to have a happy reuniting with her. When we got to her house she explained to me that she still loves me but she says her heart is telling her that she is not happy being with me anymore and that her heart is telling her to break up with me in order to allow God to work in her and build on her relationship with God.

I tried talking to her and asking her why she was doing this? and why is she not able to build on her relationship with God while being with me? Her answer was that it was just something she had to do. I just didn’t get how she could love me and wana be with me but then her hearts telling her to not be with me. She said she doesnt wana break up with me and doesnt wana hurt me but she said she just has to do it. I was confused. Maybe it was because she was coming off a spiritual high? Im not sure. This has happend one other time before and she says that as she gets closer to God, she feels like shes getting further from me. Anyways I tried to talk to her because I didn’t wana lose her. I loved her so much, the memories we had and the future we imagined together was so real. All the things we wanted in life were a perfect match, we talked about having a family, where we would live, how we would share more moments and love with one another, serving together in our ministry. It seemed so perfect and I loved her so much I was planning on proposing to her around November next year as I would be graduating from university at the end of this year. I guess atm my heart is just fully shattered but i told her I would wait for her because I loved her so much. I don’t know what to do and im finding it really hard to cope with it all atm… Just the thought of not being able to hold her, kiss her, touch her face and tell her that I love her everyday scares me. Plus so many aspects of our lives are entwined, our families get along great and her family has often thought that I may be the guy she marries. My faith isn’t as strong as it once was, but I’ve been working on it for the last few months.

Also I would really appreciate it if you could pray for me and for my girlfriend, that God will protect our hearts and that if it is in His will. We would be together again.

Sorry for the long post, just tried to make it as detailed as I could.
 
Kevin23 said:
This has happened one other time before and she says that as she gets closer to God, she feels like shes getting further from me.
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This is the part that really jumped out at me. If this is the second time this has happened, it is much harder to dismiss it as just a passing feeling. How long ago was the first time this happened?
 
louisak said:
This is the part that really jumped out at me. If this is the second time this has happened, it is much harder to dismiss it as just a passing feeling. How long ago was the first time this happened?
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The last time this happend was about 2 year and 6 months ago. Yea i know, it may not be a passing feeling thats why atm im am giving her space to maybe see if she can discern for this a little more.
 
Kevin23 said:
I tried talking to her and asking her why she was doing this? and why is she not able to build on her relationship with God while being with me? Her answer was that it was just something she had to do. I just didn’t get how she could love me and wana be with me but then her hearts telling her to not be with me…
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You have your answer.
 
Sorry for the hurt you’re experiencing right now. It’s never an easy thing when someone you love is pushing you away.

It sounds to me like this girl may have a vocation to the religious life. If she thinks that being in a relationship is keeping her from being closer to God then maybe she isn’t called to be in a relationship. Did she mention anything about this?
 
Honestly it sounds to me that she probably has a real reason, but is not telling you. I had something like this happen with an ex who told me that he asked the elders (none of which ever met me) at his church about what he should do about our relationship and they told him to break up with me and never talk to me again. I knew this wasn’t the truth and he had a real reason (turns out he just didn’t want to commit and sow his wild oats). I use to think he was the one, but a while after our break up I started dating the man who became my husband.

I know it may be devastating now, but you are young and you have been dating her since you were a teen. I say, just move on. If you are meant to be together, then it will happen. Maybe take this time to figure out who you are without her. Who you are as an adult. I know of people who started dating someone in their teens, married them, and then realized they didn’t know who they were outside of the relationship and regretted not having those life experiences.
 
Sucky situation. Been there myself. With due respect, telling her you’d wait for her is exactly the worst thing you probably could’ve done, and exactly the opposite of what you need to do now. No woman wants a guy who emotes over her, etc. There’s a reason women like the “strong, silent type.”

In fact, here are two personal anecdotes to illustrate this effectively. My first girlfriend was Catholic, in my freshman year of high school. When she broke up with me, I did much of what you did – emoted, asked questions, tried to talk with her to keep the connection alive, etc. Didn’t work, natch; in fact she started dating my best friend. My second was my last year of college, by which time I had developed a much thicker outer shell and flourished into the kind of carefree casual jackass that most women love. When she broke up with me, I gave her the “yeah, sure, OK” treatment. The next day, I blatantly hit on one of her friends. She came back to me in tears three weeks later, begging for a second chance. Wah waah. The difference isn’t that I went from being a nice guy to a jerk (I wasn’t a jerk even at my worst, just supremely confident). The difference is that I went from being hypereffeminate to hypermasculine. Women like masculinity. QED.

The “God doesn’t want us to be together,” by the way, is to Catholic girls what “it’s not you, it’s me” is to non-Catholic girls. It’s a weasel line. It should tell you she doesn’t have enough respect for you to give you an intelligent, coherent answer. It’s very possible that, during her retreat, she met some other guy.

Give it a little time (but less time than you think is necessary – maybe a month plus an extra 2 weeks for each year you two were together) and then go out and start dating other women. In the meantime, keep yourself busy and remove all reminders of her from your life. Don’t bother getting in touch with her; if she’s going to come back, it certainly isn’t going to be because you pestered her, and if she isn’t going to come back, the less time you spend talking with her, the easier it’ll be to get over her. If you must pray to God for her, thank Him for the time he allowed you to have with her, and ask for the grace to give that gift back to Him without complaint.

And whatever you do, absolutely do not allow her to think that you’re crying over her, even if you really aren’t.
 
@SamH: Yea I’ve been trying to accept that, but its just hard cause of everything thats happend. But i do see what you mean. Thanks for your help =)

@Schieffelin: I have thought about that, and im trying to accept that that could be a possibility. Its just that our whole relationship she would always talk about having a family with me and being married and all. No she hasn’t ever mentioned about religious life, she does tell me that she would like to be a full time missionary for a few years. Thats what the retreat was for, training to possibly become a mission worker.

@TrixieMcGee: Yea as hard as it is right now, I’ve been trying to give it some thought and I do see that there is an opportunity for me to grow spiritually and to build on my relationship with God. I’ve been praying for discernment, to see the good in all this and I think its just not the right time for us to be together? I know that I need to be content in God alone before I am able to share His love with another person.

@sw85: Hey there, yea I think It was just an outburst of emotion when I said I’d wait for her. I actually do want to be with her and despite all this I still love her. I understand where your coming from and I guess I am an emotional guy. With all due respect, she is not that kind of person. I know she is being honest with me. She has never lied to me and I know that she does love me. Thanks for all your help, i really appreciate it =)
 
I think the last post had something with the respect angle. You need to be more independent and maybe she feels she needs to do the same. You both had each other to shelter each other as you grew apart from your parents. I would take this as a chance to be on your own and grow in your independence. If God has you come back together come back more fully developed as a mature independent person. If, as is more likely, the bonds between you or from at least one of you were more about security than love and mutual respect then you are not going to even want to return to that same sort of relationship and it will be very hard to “hit it off” in a completely new sort of relationship. A more independent and Godly person would not “wait” nor “run wild”, but take each day as God presents it and grow in Him.
 
Kevin23 said:
Hey there, im new to this forum but I just need advice on the situation im in atm.
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Be patient with yourself, also. I see your post was only a few hours ago. Right now, the event weighs heavily on you. There’s no distance between now and the hurt. It’s like getting a bad cut - it won’t heal until time passes. Maybe pray that Our Lady fill the void in your heart right now. It may take some time depending on how soon your attention is directed elsewhere.
 
Kevin,

You sound like you are at the other end of what my wife and I went through when we were discerning marriage (that is not a bad thing, btw).

My wife and I met after we had developed our relationship with God. Each of us had already made many retreats and were praying regularly and deeply. As we were dating, my only prayer concerning our relationship was that as each of us drew close to God, He would either draw us together or apart and that we would recognize properly which it was. In our case, He drew us together. One friend of mine was called out of a realtionship with his GF and they parted on peaceful terms. Some time later, after they had both deepened their relationships with God, they renewed their friendship and eventually married. Another friend, sadly, did not recognize when he was called out of a particular relationship and it wound up so damaged it that it seems unlikely they will ever reconcile.

Your case seems to be that He is drawing your GF from you. I advise you to discontinue the relationship with your GF, at least for now, so she can continue renewing her relationship with God, as she stated. It would be advisable for you to renew your relationship with God, as well. Take the time you normally devote to her and read scripture (meditate on the passages, as well), pray and even go on retreats yourself. If you have yet not done so, you could make a retreat to discern the priesthood or religious life. Many priests and religious were certain they were bound for family life until God called them otherwise.
 
sw85 said:
The “God doesn’t want us to be together,” by the way, is to Catholic girls what “it’s not you, it’s me” is to non-Catholic girls. It’s a weasel line. It should tell you she doesn’t have enough respect for you to give you an intelligent, coherent answer. It’s very possible that, during her retreat, she met some other guy.
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I don’t agree with this AT ALL.

I have used this ‘line’. I was dating a guy nearly a year and I spent a lot of time in prayer asking God; Should I be with this guy?

He put in my heart a desperate need to break off the relationship. Shortly after I broke off the relationship God sent a woman into my ex’s life that was PERFECT for my ex. They are so ridiculously well suited. He is blissfully happy. They are getting married. 🙂 I wasn’t the right one. At all.

I told him, when we broke up, “I just don’t think God wants us to be together.” and it wasn’t a ‘weasel line’ or a lie. It was the truth. This is what the Holy Spirit was saying to me after MONTHS of careful discernment and prayer and I listened because ultimately I want my life and my relationships to be in God’s hands.

PS: To the OP, please accept that God is speaking to your ex-girlfriend and put your life in His hands. Only God knows what person on this earth would be perfect for you and if He’s leading your girlfriend away then, for whatever reason, it’s good.

I would suggest you spend some time in prayer asking not for God to DO for you but just telling Him that you want His will to be done in your life.
 
Hi Kevin,
Perhaps some day you will marry. Should that happen, you will want to be with someone who has really thought long and hard about what a lifetime commitment entails. You will want to be with someone who understands that when we orient ourselves towards Our Lord, all of our relationships benefit.
It is pretty impressive that a 21 year old is making this a priority. If she is the person God meant for you, this period of discernment is a wonderful gift to you both. If not, it is still a wonderful gift, as her growth in faith will enable her to better support so many of her brothers and sisters.
Give her time, and give yourself time. It is wonderful that both of you are working on your faith lives. May God bless you both in your vocations, as you continue to discern them, and in your relationships. Amen.
 
Kevin,

You have been given a lot of good advice. I just want to add that you should be sure not to try coping with this alone. Lean on the people who are close to you. Go to a movie with friends; try reading that book you always wanted to read but were too busy; get out and enjoy the beautiful outdoors. Or even better, care for someone in need. Volunteer at a homeless shelter; get involved in the Knights of Columbus or other group in your church; you name it. Whatever it may be, but do something healthy, do it with other people, and DON’T OBSESS over her.
 
nickybr38 said:
I don’t agree with this AT ALL.

I have used this ‘line’. I was dating a guy nearly a year and I spent a lot of time in prayer asking God; Should I be with this guy?

He put in my heart a desperate need to break off the relationship. Shortly after I broke off the relationship God sent a woman into my ex’s life that was PERFECT for my ex. They are so ridiculously well suited. He is blissfully happy. They are getting married. 🙂 I wasn’t the right one. At all.

I told him, when we broke up, “I just don’t think God wants us to be together.” and it wasn’t a ‘weasel line’ or a lie. It was the truth. This is what the Holy Spirit was saying to me after MONTHS of careful discernment and prayer and I listened because ultimately I want my life and my relationships to be in God’s hands.

PS: To the OP, please accept that God is speaking to your ex-girlfriend and put your life in His hands. Only God knows what person on this earth would be perfect for you and if He’s leading your girlfriend away then, for whatever reason, it’s good.

I would suggest you spend some time in prayer asking not for God to DO for you but just telling Him that you want His will to be done in your life.
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By the OP’s admission, this didn’t come after a long period of discernment. It was itself a noteworthy departure from previously happy behavior. I feel pretty confident saying that 99.9% of the time, a sudden and unanticipated reversal of affections over a fairly short time frame (in this case, one weekend) is evidence of something seriously disordered. You don’t throw away 3.5 years in one weekend on a hunch.

I’m willing to concede that maybe one time in 1000, the line is legitimately and sincerely intended. That still means the odds are 999 to 1 that it was not in this case.

OP, follow my advice. Just move on from it. Again, I can guarantee you practically without error that if she comes back at all, it will not be until well after you have made a concerted effort to forget about her and have largely succeeded. Women are good at that.
 
sw85 said:
By the OP’s admission, this didn’t come after a long period of discernment. It was itself a noteworthy departure from previously happy behavior. I feel pretty confident saying that 99.9% of the time, a sudden and unanticipated reversal of affections over a fairly short time frame (in this case, one weekend) is evidence of something seriously disordered. You don’t throw away 3.5 years in one weekend on a hunch.

I’m willing to concede that maybe one time in 1000, the line is legitimately and sincerely intended. That still means the odds are 999 to 1 that it was not in this case.

OP, follow my advice. Just move on from it. Again, I can guarantee you practically without error that if she comes back at all, it will not be until well after you have made a concerted effort to forget about her and have largely succeeded. Women are good at that.
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Saul had his heart changed in one moment. He turned from Christian hater to Christian lover literally in moments. Sometimes it only takes a short amount of time.

Please stop presuming the worst of women.

I don’t agree that she’ll come crawling back as soon as he’s moved on. I do agree that he needs to seek prayer and focus on God and not her at this time.

It won’t be easy OP but you can move on from this. 🙂
 
Take her at her word and let her go. Do not tell her that you will wait for her, because you cannot and ought not promise any such thing. Rather, tell her that you cannot guarantee that you will be there when she gets back and that you probably ought to both get the picture after a repeat of last time that your separation ought to be permanent. If she comes back, let it be a start from scratch, if you agree to it at all.

Also remind her that she cannot have her cake and eat it, too: That is, she cannot reject you as being incompatible with her deepening relationship with God yet expect that you will not be at all hurt or disappointed by this news, since it has been your hope that your relationship with her might eventually become a spousal relationship in which you would both help each other grow closer to God. She may have a call to something else, but you feel certain you have a call to marriage, and she has been encouraging you to think that she was amenable to being your wife. A reverse of that encouragement from her was bound to hurt, and realistically she cannot expect anything else. If it can’t be helped, it can’t be helped, but the consequences cannot be helped, either.

At any rate, if she’s told you twice that she feels farther from God the closer she gets to you, I’d let her go and not look back. If it has come up again, I would suspect it is going to be a recurring issue. You can’t compete with a call from God, and there is no reason you’d want to. She may not be getting a call to be a religious sister, but she’s hearing something that is inconsistent with a path straight to marriage to you. Give her definitive encouragement in that direction (that is, away from you), and maybe she will follow that call with a will. If not, at least she will not take the option of marrying you as one that she ought to have ever taken for granted.
 
sw85 said:
By the OP’s admission, this didn’t come after a long period of discernment. It was itself a noteworthy departure from previously happy behavior. I feel pretty confident saying that 99.9% of the time, a sudden and unanticipated reversal of affections over a fairly short time frame (in this case, one weekend) is evidence of something seriously disordered. You don’t throw away 3.5 years in one weekend on a hunch.

I’m willing to concede that maybe one time in 1000, the line is legitimately and sincerely intended. That still means the odds are 999 to 1 that it was not in this case.

OP, follow my advice. Just move on from it. Again, I can guarantee you practically without error that if she comes back at all, it will not be until well after you have made a concerted effort to forget about her and have largely succeeded. Women are good at that.
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The reason for going on retreat is to let God corner us, so that we’ll get off the merry-go-round of being wrapped up in our own little world and pay attention to what God has to say to us. Even the Lord had to get away from time to time; these are times of great import.

I agree, though: If those times in which she goes the deepest into her own heart and her own relationship with God do not speak favorably of her relationship with the OP being the spiritual blessing of a lifetime, he ought to move on, and ignore the feelings she seemed to have had when she was living more on the surface of her day-to-day desires. When he meets the woman suited to be his wife, the attraction will be felt in her depths, too, and not just in the shallower waters of her soul.

She is young, and few of us start out willing to test our hearts or dare to admit which of our desires are the deep ones. Try to forgive her, OP, but keep moving, and don’t look back. Again: If you have a future with her, it will be built from scratch* in the future*, and not on the foundation you have described.
 
I feel for you, and this post may come off as insensitive, but I assure you I don’t mean it that way…

Dude, this girl has given you something wonderful- the opportunity to get closer to God yourself! As you AND your girlfriend grow closer to God, you’ll be able to be closer to one another as well. If you don’t want to give up on her, then reach to her THROUGH Christ.

Offer her a chance to continue the relationship, but in a spiritual way. Your dates always start with confession/adoration/mass etc. Tell her that you’ll court her, and wouldn’t do anything with her that you wouldn’t feel comfortable doing in a Church. Be the good Catholic Man that YOU should be, and ONLY then should you start to go through God to get to her.

You want to be one of the ways she gets closer to God, not one of the distractions.

Good luck.
 
Kevin23 said:
Hey there, im new to this forum but I just need advice on the situation im in atm. I know my problem may not seem that dire compared to other posts here but im just hoping for some advice. Im 22 and my girlfriend is 21.

So just yesterday my girlfriend came back from a retreat over the weekend and told me she couldn’t be with me anymore. We are both practising catholics and are both very active in our youth group. Just yesterday my girlfriend of 3 years and 6 months told me that she couldn’t be with me anymore. It kind of came as a surprise to me because on the day i took her to the airport for her to go on the retreat she was really loving and sweet. I know its only a few days but i still missed her, the fact that she was so loving and sweet to me before she left gave me hope and kept me excited for when she’d be back and I could have her in my arms again. But when i came to pick her up from the airport, she seemed distant from me and wouldn’t talk to me in the car. I asked her what was wrong but she wouldn’t tell me, this made me sad as i was hoping to have a happy reuniting with her. When we got to her house she explained to me that she still loves me but she says her heart is telling her that she is not happy being with me anymore and that her heart is telling her to break up with me in order to allow God to work in her and build on her relationship with God.

I tried talking to her and asking her why she was doing this? and why is she not able to build on her relationship with God while being with me? Her answer was that it was just something she had to do. I just didn’t get how she could love me and wana be with me but then her hearts telling her to not be with me. She said she doesnt wana break up with me and doesnt wana hurt me but she said she just has to do it. I was confused. Maybe it was because she was coming off a spiritual high? Im not sure. This has happend one other time before and she says that as she gets closer to God, she feels like shes getting further from me. Anyways I tried to talk to her because I didn’t wana lose her. I loved her so much, the memories we had and the future we imagined together was so real. All the things we wanted in life were a perfect match, we talked about having a family, where we would live, how we would share more moments and love with one another, serving together in our ministry. It seemed so perfect and I loved her so much I was planning on proposing to her around November next year as I would be graduating from university at the end of this year. I guess atm my heart is just fully shattered but i told her I would wait for her because I loved her so much. I don’t know what to do and im finding it really hard to cope with it all atm… Just the thought of not being able to hold her, kiss her, touch her face and tell her that I love her everyday scares me. Plus so many aspects of our lives are entwined, our families get along great and her family has often thought that I may be the guy she marries. My faith isn’t as strong as it once was, but I’ve been working on it for the last few months.

Also I would really appreciate it if you could pray for me and for my girlfriend, that God will protect our hearts and that if it is in His will. We would be together again.

Sorry for the long post, just tried to make it as detailed as I could.
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I agree with those that say let her go.

If she feels this way after a retreat, most likely she has been having doubts about the relationship all along and it was confirmed to her.

Even if you are able to convince her to give you another chance, you should never be in a relationship with someone who is not sure they want to be with you.
 
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