Girlfriend had sex with ex while getting to know me

[SpikeLewis]

I very much agree with EasterJoy.

The OP has to figure out what he needs in order to feel secure in this relationship, which may involve some personal change (jealousy issues, etc), and he has to identify what he needs from her in order to restore their trust. He must also recognize the possibility that she will not be capable of meeting his needs in this regard, and that he may not be capable of meeting his own needs, in which case the relationship is over.

If he can meet his own needs, and he articulates what he needs from her, she, then, has the right to either agree to provide what the OP needs in order to make the relationship work, or decide that she doesn’t want to. Again, if she does not, then the relationship is over.

It basically comes down to honesty. OP needs to be honest with himself about whether or not he can trust her, and what he needs from her in order to do that, and then she needs to be honest with him about whether or not she can do that. Maybe, for example, the OP needs to call her 5 times a day to put his mind at rest about where she is and who she’s with, and if she’s not willing to do that for him, then they are not right for each other.

 

[dedo]

When someone finds out that they’re dating someone who was having sex with someone else while arranging to start dating them, and that they’ve lied to cover their tracks afterwards, it is *entirely natural *that they will feel angry about that. It was a violation of a realistic expectation, that is, the expectation that someone who says she is free to pursue a relationship actually is unencumbered, or at least that she’d clear up any discrepancy between what she’s been doing and what the other person might reasonably assume she’s been doing. Of course the fellow might feel angry about it! You’d kind of have to wonder about him if the combination of the revelation and what he had to go through in order to reach the truth didn’t bother him!

The more I think about this, the more I’d consider the woman “red-flagged”. Maybe not a deal-breaker, but she’s definitely on triple probation. He really needs to confirm to himself that this terrible string of decisions was a one-time bout with idiocy, he really does. It might be a one-time thing, though. Since she lost her virginity to the old boyfriend, though, it is entirely possible that this was indeed a one-time violation of what was otherwise a long history of self-control and integrity. Let us hope that the “lost her virginity” thing was not part of the cover-up of behavior she didn’t want to admit. The OP should ask her to come entirely clean, including whether or not she really meant that she was a virgin prior to the last boyfriend. Not being a virgin is not a deal-breaker, but passing up a chance to come clean and continuing to lie about whether the last boyfriend was the only sexual partner in her past would be. She has to be on the up-and-up from here on out. No more lying, period!

It is interesting how the guys here are tougher on the guys, and the girls are tougher on the girls – which is probably why EasterJoy is tougher on her, and I am tougher on him.

I actually was in this situation when I was dating many years ago. I went out with a girl, and within a week she told me her boyfriend was visiting the next weekend. I don’t think I was bothered by it. We went out again. Nothing long term came of it; however, it was not because she was moving on from her relationship.

It would be nice if people dated like eagle scouts. However, that is just not the way it works for most people.

I think what both sides are concerned about here is the issue of loyalty and trust. These are big issues.

Spike believes the couple should come to some sort of a formal agreement or understanding of what the guy needs to trust. Unfortunately, that is also not the way it usually works.

I think trust usually is built on a series of interactions that just tells a person that he / she “matters”. It is different from “affection”, since people can appear to like you if they want something. That is how some people use other people.

Generally when I recall the the people that turned on me, there was affection without trust. My Dad called it “hugging the tree” or expecting a person to go out on a limb, while the tree hugger clings to the trunk with a saw. The tree hugger preserves the option to attack, and he / she will attack if you give them the opportunity. One way to test this is to give them a controlled opportunity, and see if it is taken. In martial arts this is very common where a fighter intentionally creates an opening to see if his adversary will exploit it. In the relationship world, you might have the opportunity to forgive someone or build someone up, vs. showing the person disdain. Choose the wrong path and you failed the test.

It is easier for guys I think to build trust with each other, than for people of the opposite sex who are not married. Guys often test each other to see if they can be trusted, and if you pass the test the trust can soar very quickly. On the other hand, I know guys that have carried grudges for years (with other guys) who failed the test.

In this case I do agree with Spike that the two need to communicate to see if there is common ground since they have not built a history of those little gestures that tell each other that “I will cover your back”, instead of stab you in the back.

The girl may have failed her first test, but she sure past the second one by owning up to it, apologizing, and trying to work with the guy. Now it is up to him to show what he is made of.

In my opinion if he chooses the path outlined by EasterJoy (you are on triple probation), then he failed. For some guys it would not have even been an issue, and a that kind of guy will take her away from the brooding type in a New York minute. However, if he is forgiving, gentle, and builds her up, then he may be worth keeping. Otherwise run.

 

[marymary1975]

First, I see a bigger issue here than having sex with the ex boyfriend, and is honesty. If she is not being honest with you that is a big red flag. Second, how long the OP has known this woman. For some reason I get the impression he has known her for a few months. The OP needs to be very careful with the idea that she is the woman of his life. If he has known her only for a couple of months, he really doesn’t know her well enough and there is a big chance that other things may come out later and then he is going to realize she is not as ideal as he originally thought. Another big red flag I see is that she is going back to an ex boyfriend. Why with an ex? That suggests some kind of odd attachment to that ex boyfriend that is not healthy.

Also, I wanted to say something regarding the comments of him judging her, her not owing him anything, forgive her. As someone else mentioned, you are all missing the point here. He is starting a relationship with someone looking into marriage. Have you all notices the divorce rates? While is true that he needs to forgive, marriage is a decision that requires a lot of discerning, and if at this point they are dealing with dishonesty and differences in morals, a marriage coming out of situations like this is very likely going to head to divorce and that is why most of the responses in this threat suggest to OP to stop the relationship. For marriage you need to have honesty and it needs two people who are very in sink with each other. Moral differences before marriage have the potential of.turning into war during marriage. So while the OP does.need to forgive the girl, he shouldn’t continue that relationship and making that discerning is perfectly fine.

 

[EasterJoy]

It is interesting how the guys here are tougher on the guys, and the girls are tougher on the girls – which is probably why EasterJoy is tougher on her, and I am tougher on him.

I actually was in this situation when I was dating many years ago. I went out with a girl, and within a week she told me her boyfriend was visiting the next weekend. I don’t think I was bothered by it. We went out again. Nothing long term came of it; however, it was not because she was moving on from her relationship.

It would be nice if people dated like eagle scouts. However, that is just not the way it works for most people.

I think what both sides are concerned about here is the issue of loyalty and trust. These are big issues…

Generally when I recall the the people that turned on me, there was affection without trust. My Dad called it “hugging the tree” or expecting a person to go out on a limb, while the tree hugger clings to the trunk with a saw. The tree hugger preserves the option to attack, and he / she will attack if you give them the opportunity. One way to test this is to give them a controlled opportunity, and see if it is taken. In martial arts this is very common where a fighter intentionally creates an opening to see if his adversary will exploit it. In the relationship world, you might have the opportunity to forgive someone or build someone up, vs. showing the person disdain. Choose the wrong path and you failed the test.

It is easier for guys I think to build trust with each other, than for people of the opposite sex who are not married. Guys often test each other to see if they can be trusted, and if you pass the test the trust can soar very quickly. On the other hand, I know guys that have carried grudges for years (with other guys) who failed the test.

In this case I do agree with Spike that the two need to communicate to see if there is common ground since they have not built a history of those little gestures that tell each other that “I will cover your back”, instead of stab you in the back.

The girl may have failed her first test, but she sure past the second one by owning up to it, apologizing, and trying to work with the guy. Now it is up to him to show what he is made of.

In my opinion if he chooses the path outlined by EasterJoy (you are on triple probation), then he failed. For some guys it would not have even been an issue, and a that kind of guy will take her away from the brooding type in a New York minute. However, if he is forgiving, gentle, and builds her up, then he may be worth keeping. Otherwise run.

I think we are in agreement. This is what I meant:

I put myself in her situation, and I think that if I had done that–that is, caved into embarrassment and lied to someone I was dating about my past, instead of either coming clean or else simply saying “my past is private, and if that is a deal-breaker, oh well, then no deal”–then I would expect to have to regain his trust. If I ever lied to him again, I’d expect him to drop me like a hot potato, and I’d deserve that.

Manipulators often abuse the “forgiving”, that is the problem. Martha Stout, an expert on manipulative personalities, has a Rule of Three. It goes like this: “One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding instead. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you’re dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior. Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Leaving, though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly. Do not give your money, your work, your secrets, or your affection to a three-timer. Your valuable gifts will be wasted.”

Now, you and I both know people who have told more than three serious lies to us in their lives. The problem is, by the time you can tell a not-habitual liar from the truly dangerous kind, you are in too deep. Integrity matters, and those who don’t value it can learn some tragic lessons the hard way.

She also says this:
“Question your tendency to pity too easily. Respect should be reserved for the kind and the morally courageous. Pity is another socially valuable response, and should be reserved for innocent people who are in genuine pain or who have fallen on misfortune. If, instead, you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to one hundred percent that you are dealing with a sociopath.”
…and this…
“Never agree, out of pity or for any other reason, to help a sociopath conceal his or her true character. ‘Please don’t tell,’ often spoken tearfully and with great gnashing of teeth, is the trademark plea of thieves, child abusers-- and sociopaths. Do not listen to this siren-song. Other people deserve to be warned more than sociopaths deserve to have you keep their secrets.”

My point is this: The OP may be dealing with a person who got into a single bad relationship and made a single string of bad decisions as part of that. That’s only one strike. It could happen to anybody. But the precedent of having lied in order to cover up a decision she doesn’t want him to know she made is a huge red flag. If she wants to keep something private, she should say so–they are early in their relationship, and he doesn’t deserve a full disclosure on Day 1. But if she says something did not happen, then he deserves to be certain that it did not happen, and let’s not let “not everybody is an Eagle Scout” lower that expectation! If she shows any pattern of repeating that mistake–understandable if it happens once or twice, mind you!–then he needs to conclude that these “mistakes” might actually be a strategy, instead. In that case, he needs to make an exit, and he’ll owe no one any apologies, including Heaven.

 

[marymary1975]

I agree to an extent. Marriage is different from forgiveness. We are obligated to forgive, but we are not obligated to marry someone.

With my own (2nd) wife, there were things in the past that were cause for concern. However, they happened over a decade prior to me dating her, and she was horrified of them. She had confessed these sins years ago, and the past was indeed the past.

If it happened a month or two ago while she was considering dating me that would’ve been a different story. In that case, the past is not the past, but rather the present. And it is also an issue of basic trust. Forgiveness? Yes. Marriage? No. Or maybe a reconsideration in 10 years after a change in behavior. In the meantime, there are just too many other people in the world that I could consider dating.

I am stern in my opinion simply because I ignored the warning signs up to and during my first marriage. I don’t want others to ignore those warning signs, because getting married, divorced, sitting before a Tribunal, etc. just flat out sucks.

I totally agree with this. It is very important to be able to truly differentiate between life patterns and wrongs that the person repented and worked hard to overcome that wrong and this is a perfect example. If you made one mistake and work hard to repair the mistake that is ok but certain things can very easily become life patterns (example cheating, previous abusive relationships, etc) and before marriage you have to be very aware of life patterns.

maybe I am stern too because I deal with so many divorces, but precisely because of that I think there are certain things you do need to ask and find out before marriage.

 

[marymary1975]

Thank-you. My husband is a marriage and family therapist and he sees too many situations where people ignored major red flags, got married and then have all sorts of serious problems which could have been totally avoided if the person had the guts and fortitude to back out BEFORE marriage not after and 2 kids later. This is the same sort of principal if the person drank or did drugs, warning signs are ignored, the other person thought that their finance will grow up and mature after marriage and then they get married and now are dealing with someone that abuses substances or constantly fools around etc. This isn’t about someone who maybe has made mistakes and then has changed for the better. If more people spent more time being careful about who the date and choose for a marriage partner or possible partner there would be less divorce and major heartache afterwards. This advise would be the same if she said she flew out to visit friends and got totally drunk with them and can’t remember what happen then goes to a new friend and tells him that she really not interested in her previous friends she flew out to visit and drink with.

very well put

 

[SpikeLewis]

What I find fascinating about all this (sorry OP, I know for you it’s all too real) is that it all sort of hinges on whether or not you believe people can repent of their sins and be transformed.

I think almost everyone on these forums would agree that sex outside of marriage is wrong and that having sex with your ex while you’re looking to date someone else and then being coy about it is, at the very least, disingenuous and on moral thin ice.

Where we disagree is whether or not these actions are indicative of a pattern of behaviour, or if they were mistakes which she has recognized as such and wishes to correct.

The answer may be obvious: ask her. And if you don’t trust her answer, you have it.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

I think almost everyone on these forums would agree that sex outside of marriage is wrong and that having sex with your ex while you’re looking to date someone else and then being coy about it is, at the very least, disingenuous and on moral thin ice.

IMHO, it’s not moral thin ice; it’s just flat out immoral. Furthermore, besides the trust and morality issues, her actions strongly indicate that she has not detached herself from her past relationship.

Where we disagree is whether or not these actions are indicative of a pattern of behaviour, or if they were mistakes which she has recognized as such and wishes to correct.

That’s why I stated time heals all wounds. Wait a year or more before dating her, and watch her behavior. In the meantime, consider dating others.

 

[marymary1975]

That’s why I stated time heals all wounds. Wait a year or more before dating her, and watch her behavior. In the meantime, consider dating others.

I think this is the best advice for the OP.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

That’s why I stated time heals all wounds. Wait a year or more before dating her, and watch her behavior. In the meantime, consider dating others.

If he does that he can’t expect her to be there when he’s ready to date her (I know I sure as hell wouldn’t be), and he certainly can’t expect that she won’t date other people too. She is not in any way obligated to do nothing for the next year to prove anything to him.

 

[PatriceA]

If he does that he can’t expect her to be there when he’s ready to date her (I know I sure as hell wouldn’t be), and he certainly can’t expect that she won’t date other people too. She is not in any way obligated to do nothing for the next year to prove anything to him.

You’re right, she’s not obligated to do nothing for the next year to prove anything to him. But that’s not what it should be about. Presuming she’s Catholic and someday would like to enter into the Sacrament of Matrimony, the time spent should be about realizing having premarital sex is not what any single Catholic should be doing at any point, whether starting a new dating relationship or not. The time spent should be about discerning what type of future wife does she want to be and working on the parts of her life that are red flags that she’s not quite there yet. The time spent should be about not being involved with an old flame while trying to start a new relationship. The time spent should be about proving to herself that she is worth more than having sex with an old boyfriend and then trying to cover her tracks with a new guy in her life. She is worth more than that, and finding that out for herself will be the best time she will ever spend not being in a relationship. If the OP and the girl in question are both free later down the road and want to reconnect, then God willing, it will happen. But neither have an obligation to be with each other, or to prove anything to each other. Its about doing what is necessary to live a moral, chaste life and discerning God’s will.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

If he does that he can’t expect her to be there when he’s ready to date her (I know I sure as hell wouldn’t be), and he certainly can’t expect that she won’t date other people too. She is not in any way obligated to do nothing for the next year to prove anything to him.

This is absolutely true. But if it was meant to be, then time doesn’t matter.

Personally, if I made a mistake, and I really loved someone, I would modify my behavior and wait as requested. The other person might not, but in this case the worse thing that could happen is I learned from a mistake, demonstrated I was sorry, and became a better person. That can make a big impression in the next relationship.

If it’s not obvious by now, I am a real stickler when it comes to trust, and have dealt with it first hand. If there is no trust, there is no relationship. IMHO, cheating destroys a relationship to the point where the it can never be the same. Regardless of all the prayer and forgiveness that occurs after such an event, the seed of doubt remains firmly planted.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

You’re right, she’s not obligated to do nothing for the next year to prove anything to him. But that’s not what it should be about. Presuming she’s Catholic and someday would like to enter into the Sacrament of Matrimony, the time spent should be about realizing having premarital sex is not what any single Catholic should be doing at any point, whether starting a new dating relationship or not. The time spent should be about discerning what type of future wife does she want to be and working on the parts of her life that are red flags that she’s not quite there yet. The time spent should be about not being involved with an old flame while trying to start a new relationship. The time spent should be about proving to herself that she is worth more than having sex with an old boyfriend and then trying to cover her tracks with a new guy in her life. She is worth more than that, and finding that out for herself will be the best time she will ever spend not being in a relationship. If the OP and the girl in question are both free later down the road and want to reconnect, then God willing, it will happen. But neither have an obligation to be with each other, or to prove anything to each other. Its about doing what is necessary to live a moral, chaste life and discerning God’s will.

I think that’s pretty condescending. She hasn’t seen her ex in 5 months and for her current boyfriend to sit her down and tell her that she needs some time to move past that and figure out what kind of wife she wants to be is very belittling.

I would probably think that I just dodged a bullet and as soon as I felt ready I would reactivate my online dating profile and fine someone who wouldn’t talk down to me and decide that because of my past mistakes I need a year off to figure out what I want. Sure when I found a good man and moved forward with him the ex who tried to put me on layaway would think I was a slut for daring to date when I had sex over 6 months ago, but by that point his opinion wouldn’t matter at all.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

This is absolutely true. But if it was meant to be, then time doesn’t matter.

Personally, if I made a mistake, and I really loved someone, I would modify my behavior and wait as requested. The other person might not, but in this case the worse thing that could happen is I learned from a mistake, demonstrated I was sorry, and became a better person. That can make a big impression in the next relationship.

If it’s not obvious by now, I am a real stickler when it comes to trust, and have dealt with it first hand. If there is no trust, there is no relationship. IMHO, cheating destroys a relationship to the point where the it can never be the same. Regardless of all the prayer and forgiveness that occurs after such an event, the seed of doubt remains firmly planted.

You keep saying that she cheated, but she was single in every sense of the term. Now you may have a problem with premarital sex, but that’s different than cheating on him.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think that’s pretty condescending. She hasn’t seen her ex in 5 months and for her current boyfriend to sit her down and tell her that she needs some time to move past that and figure out what kind of wife she wants to be is very belittling.

I would probably think that I just dodged a bullet and as soon as I felt ready I would reactivate my online dating profile and fine someone who wouldn’t talk down to me and decide that because of my past mistakes I need a year off to figure out what I want. Sure when I found a good man and moved forward with him the ex who tried to put me on layaway would think I was a slut for daring to date when I had sex over 6 months ago, but by that point his opinion wouldn’t matter at all.

OK, let us say you are the woman. You either had sex with your past boyfriend with no intention of continuing the relationship or else you had sex with the past boyfriend without intending to do so beforehand. Even if your morals were of the serial-monogamous-fornication-is-OK kind, that is problematic decision-making, don’t you think? There are people out there with the morals of tomcats who believe that disclosing sexual encounters of the recent past (which is to say, the part of the past that took place since six months before the last time you tested free of STDs!) is de rigueur.

OK, but you made that decision. What was your reason for lying to anybody about it? You didn’t just maintain your privacy, but you lied to somebody’s face about your past–and your recent past, at that! Do you really think that it is out of bounds that this same someone is upset that you’d lie to him about something like that or that he dares to wonder out loud if you’re ready to date again? Under the circumstances, is he really being “condescending,” or is it perhaps that “methinks she doth protest too much”?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

OK, let us say you are the woman. You either had sex with your past boyfriend with no intention of continuing the relationship or else you had sex with the past boyfriend without intending to do so beforehand. Even if your morals were of the serial-monogamous-fornication-is-OK kind, that is problematic decision-making, don’t you think? There are people out there with the morals of tomcats who believe that disclosing sexual encounters of the recent past (which is to say, the part of the past that took place since six months before the last time you tested free of STDs!) is de rigueur.

OK, but you made that decision. What was your reason for lying to anybody about it? You didn’t just maintain your privacy, but you lied to somebody’s face about your past–and your recent past, at that! Do you really think that it is out of bounds that this same someone is upset that you’d lie to him about something like that or that he dares to wonder out loud if you’re ready to date again? Under the circumstances, is he really being “condescending,” or is it perhaps that “methinks she doth protest too much”?

I might be more inclined to agree with you if this was a recent thing. I say might because I am really hesitant to decide for myself what someone else is thinking or feeling, much less deciding where the person is emotionally. But the fact that this happened 5 months ago and he has known for 2 months makes it firmly his problem at this point.

If someone came to me and said “overall we’ve had a great relationship but months ago you did X and that makes me think you aren’t ready for this great relationship” I would have no problem calling them condescending and presumptuous, because that’s exactly what it is to tell someone else how their past is currently affecting them.

 

[dedo]

EasterJoy:

I think we are still a little ways apart.

First, I don’t believe your reference applies in this case. You are making a classic error of reading something interesting and looking for somewhere to apply it. Also, I don’t know anyone who the reference would apply to.

In my opinion this is a classic case of secular dating among normal people. I saw this kind of thing many times when I was dating among people that eventually had successful, happy, marriages that have lasted over 25 years and are still going.

What I see is a girl who went through a messy breakup. Breakups are often a little messy. Secondly, from my experience most “normal” guys are not as mature as girls who are the same age. This accounts for the OP feeling entitled to interrogate the girl about things that occurred with her boyfriend before they had even met. I would never have done that – although I have, and still do make other mistakes.

Thus, I tend to give a couple strikes to the guy: 1. For interrogating in the first place. 2. Not letting it go. 3. Not recognizing his need to improve his game.

However, this is not evidence of pathology, just normal guy behavior who has not been through the meat grinder of losing some amazing people.

My suggestion is that the two communicate, face to face, and if there is a mutual friend they both trust then bring him / her.

If I were the guy, I would let it go, especially since she has made it clear that she “gets it” and seeing old boyfriends while they are dating is not acceptable. I am not even sure I would bring it up again. Rather he should listen to her concerns, especially since she has listened to his. After that, I would focus on seeing if they have enough in common that they can enjoy their time together. Have some fun. Make her laugh. Over time, you will build that trust that the relationship needs to survive.

One thing I learned a long time ago is that for most normal women, the woman’s behavior is directly related to how she is treated. I think Tich Na Han, the Vietnamese philosopher called it “watering your flower” in a talk where he discussed a man’s complaint about his spouse’s behavior. Tich Na Han’s answer was “what kind of water are you putting on your flower?”

I am in an analogous situation where I am hoping to shore up a misunderstanding in a platonic relationship with some people that sort of hurt my feelings a little with some mixed messages. Basically, I was hoping to make some new friends, and although I felt encouraged to try, nothing I suggested was good enough. However, I have not heard their perspective.

So I am flying next month across the country in case they want to explain. It may be that they won’t even show up. If so, then I read the encouragement wrong, and they never were interested.

If they do show up I will be listening more than talking unless I see an opening to make someone laugh. That is what relationships are built on, good times and trust.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

You keep saying that she cheated, but she was single in every sense of the term.

If a woman contacted me for the sole purpose of dating me, and was sleeping with someone else at the same time, I simply cannot take such a person seriously. Part of that is just simple respect; who sleeps around with someone while actively considering dating someone else? Personally, I wouldn’t date such a person…period.

As far as anyone else goes, they are free to make their own decisions. But I recommend not ignoring a major red flag.

 

[PatriceA]

I think that’s pretty condescending. She hasn’t seen her ex in 5 months and for her current boyfriend to sit her down and tell her that she needs some time to move past that and figure out what kind of wife she wants to be is very belittling.

I would probably think that I just dodged a bullet and as soon as I felt ready I would reactivate my online dating profile and fine someone who wouldn’t talk down to me and decide that because of my past mistakes I need a year off to figure out what I want. Sure when I found a good man and moved forward with him the ex who tried to put me on layaway would think I was a slut for daring to date when I had sex over 6 months ago, but by that point his opinion wouldn’t matter at all.

I’m not sure why you think I meant the OP should be dictating anything I suggested to the current girlfriend. If anything I meant she should take some time for herself and do some self discovery without any (name removed by moderator)ut from any man, the OP or even the ex boyfriend. I even said she has no obligation to the OP to do anything or to prove anything to him. I only meant it could be time well spent with just being with herself and discerning what she wants in a relationship and a future spouse. If say in a year, the OP and the girlfriend find themselves talking again, perhaps they can decide to try dating, or maybe it won’t ever work. Who knows, maybe they’ll never even see each other again because she will find someone else or the OP will find someone else. But its not condescending or belittling to have a conversation with your self and tell yourself that you need a break from relationships and the time to discern why you needed to have premarital sex with an ex and why its not productive to any relationship. Its time very well spent if you are working on yourself and rededicate to living a chaste life and working on being a great future spouse BEFORE you get involved in a relationship, not AFTER you start dating a new guy.

 

[EasterJoy]

I might be more inclined to agree with you if this was a recent thing. I say might because I am really hesitant to decide for myself what someone else is thinking or feeling, much less deciding where the person is emotionally. But the fact that this happened 5 months ago and he has known for 2 months makes it firmly his problem at this point.

If someone came to me and said “overall we’ve had a great relationship but months ago you did X and that makes me think you aren’t ready for this great relationship” I would have no problem calling them condescending and presumptuous, because that’s exactly what it is to tell someone else how their past is currently affecting them.

Why is it not a “recent thing”? Only because she didn’t cough up the information at the time. If he still doesn’t trust her eight weeks later, I don’t blame him. She sat on the truth for a lot longer than that. If she finds him presumptuous and condescending because she decided to have a one-night stand with someone she’s decided she has no future with–oh, well. I don’t know how you talk about that in a way that is going to make her feel proud of herself. The “oh, well, we all make mistakes” option is for backing up your VW into a car you didn’t see parked behind you or driving off with your handbag on the top of your car, or stupidly telling someone with no discretion about your past, not your decisions about who to have sex with.