Girlfriend issues

[thirsty_cherUbM]

I was wondering if I could get someone’s advice on this situation in my life:

When I first started dating my girlfriend (Tina), chastity was important to me, so I started a “no-kissing” rule. Being a guy, I did not pick up on the fact that this rule started to bother Tina a couple of months in. Tina had a friend (Katy) who would compare their two relationships. Katy always did this in areas that were private, such as the ladies’ restroom. When Katy found out about the no-kissing-rule, she saw this as another opportunity to compare relationships. Katy said something along the lines of “It sucks to be you,” to Tina. Again, this was in private.

Several months later, I was informed of this incident. Tina now wants me to “stand up for her” by approaching Katy and her boyfriend, Mark (a good friend of mine), and explaining to them that Tina is hurt that Katy put her down for trying to be virtuous and chaste.

For what it is worth, I have since lifted the “no-kissing rule”, but I don’t feel comfortable about approaching Katy and Mark about Katy’s remarks. However, Tina wants me to “stand up for her” and believes by not approaching them and continuing to be friends with them (or at least with Mark), I am “perfectly fine with them stepping all over her.”

Should I approach Mark about the remarks?

 

[Lorelei12]

How old are all of you?

No, you should not approach Mark. He has nothing to do with any of this, and he is not responsible for what his girlfriend says.

It really sounds like your girlfriend is rather immature. If Tina has a problem with Katy, she needs to take it up with Katy. And if she has an issue within your relationship, she should go to you about it.

Don’t ruin your friendship with Mark because your girlfriend cannot talk to people maturely. The person you should be talking to is her, and you should be making it clear that private relationship issues are not something you want to be discussed with her friends, and that you are uninterested in involving yourself in her girl-drama.

 

[theCrow]

I agree, how old are all of you?

Your relationship is no one else’s business and you should not worry about what others think or say, especially if they are your so called “friends.”

 

[thirsty_cherUbM]

How old are all of you?

Don’t ruin your friendship with Mark because your girlfriend cannot talk to people maturely. The person you should be talking to is her, and you should be making it clear that private relationship issues are not something you want to be discussed with her friends, and that you are uninterested in involving yourself in her girl-drama.

Thanks Lorelei,

I am in my late 20s.

I forgot to mention that my girlfriend also wants me to approach Katy to “stand up for her (my gf)”

Should I even approach Katy?

 

[LongingSoul]

Thanks Lorelei,

I am in my late 20s.

I forgot to mention that my girlfriend also wants me to approach Katy to “stand up for her (my gf)”

Should I even approach Katy?

Heavens no! This is so petty. If Tina doesn’t want Katy to comment on a thing… she shouldn’t have told her in the first place. This is their issue and not one to be involving you. If she is going to want you to ‘stand up for her’ everytime her feelings are hurt, you’re going to end up her patsy… not a white knight. It’s looking like the start of a co-dependency. Don’t go for that.

 

[Crosscut]

Since the incident happened between Tina and Katey in private, Tina needs to stand up for herself. They are friends, she can speak what is on her mind.

 

[alexandratm]

I thought you’d say you were early in high school! What a load of drama.

It’s certainly not your place to approach them. Your girlfriend should be able to express her emotions to her friend(s) without relying on you to play messenger - and thus create more petty squabbles.

 

[pianistclare]

Sharing your intimate relationship and discussing “policies” “rules” etc…
no way. She should have kept your personal lives private.
All of this sounds pretty petty and totally unnecessary. I get that some women feel compelled to share everything, but when it goes sour? It’s HER box of worms.
Stay out of it. And I would use the term “boundaries” and not rules. :twocents:
That may be the source of the upset.

 

[Lorelei12]

Thanks Lorelei,

I am in my late 20s.

I forgot to mention that my girlfriend also wants me to approach Katy to “stand up for her (my gf)”

Should I even approach Katy?

I definitely was not expecting you to say “late 20s”. Wow. This is middle and early high school stuff.

No, you should not approach Katy. The only person you should approach is your girlfriend, to tell her she needs to grow up and handle her friendships like a mature adult. (In a nicer way, of course.)

 

[thirsty_cherUbM]

Heavens no! This is so petty. If Tina doesn’t want Katy to comment on a thing… she shouldn’t have told her in the first place.

Thanks for all the advice everyone!

I know that I am a little old to have this problem, but I developed rather slowly socially, and this is my first serious relationship, so I didn’t know what to do.

The unanimous consensus is for me not to get involved. That is what I thought, I just wanted a second opinion, and you have all given good logic. I thank you.

In regards to the comment that I have quoted above, Tina claims that Katy “relentlessly pulled it out of her.” I’m not sure where to go with that…

So my final question is: how do I GENTLY explain to Tina that it is not my place to get involved?

 

[Lorelei12]

Thanks for all the advice everyone!

I know that I am a little old to have this problem, but I developed rather slowly socially, and this is my first serious relationship, so I didn’t know what to do.

The unanimous consensus is for me not to get involved. That is what I thought, I just wanted a second opinion, and you have all given good logic. I thank you.

In regards to the comment that I have quoted above, Tina claims that Katy “relentlessly pulled it out of her.” I’m not sure where to go with that…

So my final question is: how do I GENTLY explain to Tina that it is not my place to get involved?

For what it’s worth, I don’t think you sound immature at all. I think that your girlfriend, however, sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do.

You can tell her that just what you said- that you don’t feel it’s your place to get involved. You can ask that, in the future, she not go around discussing the private details of your relationship with her friends. And that if Katy offended her, you’re sorry that she was hurt but it really has nothing to do with you or Mark, and that you will be staying out of it, and that you hope she works it out with Katy.

 

[LongingSoul]

Thanks for all the advice everyone!

I know that I am a little old to have this problem, but I developed rather slowly socially, and this is my first serious relationship, so I didn’t know what to do.

The unanimous consensus is for me not to get involved. That is what I thought, I just wanted a second opinion, and you have all given good logic. I thank you.

In regards to the comment that I have quoted above, Tina claims that Katy “relentlessly pulled it out of her.” I’m not sure where to go with that…

So my final question is: how do I GENTLY explain to Tina that it is not my place to get involved?

I developed slowly socially also so I can appreciate your uncertainty. It sounds as if Tina and Katy have an unhealthy friendship dynamic in the sense of Katy needing to promote herself over Tina with regards to these small things. If that is the case you could use that angle when talking to Tina. You could say to her Katy seems to have a problem with needing to feel a bit superior to Tina and it would just make Tina seem smaller if she had to get her boyfriend to stand up for her. She needs to let water off a ducks back and not let Katy’s attitude and words affect her negatively like this. That is how to ‘push back’ against someones negativity. Tell her it would be wise to be more discerning about what she tells Katy. Just to be smart and not feel she has to tell Katy anything she doesn’t want to.

You can be a great support to her growth in maturity by giving her that courage to ‘stand up for herself’.

Best wishes.

 

[PennyinCanada]

Hello and welcome!
I see you’re Catholic and is your girlfriend also?

As Catholics, we are called to be a light to the world. When you date in a way that honors God, know that others will ridicule you. That’s ok, because they have never seen chaste dating before. As you grow in your faith and get stronger, you should be able to calmly assert to others without getting annoyed, and it takes time to get there.

One thing I will suggest you do is to discuss with your gf how Jesus carried his cross and he asks us to carry ours as well. If there was a comment that stung (there seems to be no end to it if you honor God and people are watching with a critical eye), if it’s a small matter, let it go. Pray a decade of the rosary for the grace to let it go. Do it together. Go to confession with it. Ask for the grace to manage friends better. (All these things are good advice for myself as well!)

I came into the Church in my twenties and got plenty of ridicule from my family. I made the decision to go to Church every Sunday and family things suddenly had to be Sunday morning. Of course they did. It was annoying and aggravating to put up with their criticism and mocking, but good for me to learn how to stand up for myself and be the good example. Dating and sex has become the norm now but that is not what God wishes. Dating is a time to look at the other soberly, to discern God’s will. When a couple have sex before it’s time, the hormones get involved and it becomes impossible to think straight. God’s way is a very smart way. Be a light to your friends. Before they fall asleep at night they’ll be thinking about how you are living. May God touch their hearts!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

You know, I had almost the exact same thing happen to me my first year of college.

Towards the end of the school year I acted inconsiderately towards a friend. Not cruelly by any stretch, but inconsiderately. I didn’t realize my slight, and she didn’t say anything about it. The next day, her boyfriend (also one of my best friends) came over to my dorm and said “Jane is mad at you. Last night you…” I realized my error and felt bad for a very quick moment until I realized that we were 19, we had been friends for almost a year, and I did something insignificant and she sent her boyfriend to have a discussion with me about it.

But then it continued, and he brought up something equally inconsequential that had happened our first week of college during freshman orientation! (An incident I didn’t even remember.) I told him that I wasn’t going to listen to this anymore and that if she had a problem with me, she needed to come talk to me. He dropped the subject, stuck around and we played video games for a couple of hours.

The next day, he dumped her for being “passive aggressive”, “immature”, and “needy”. I was shocked by that-he never told me that he was even thinking about it. I’m still good friends with him, but my friendship with her fizzled out quickly after that.

I am begging you-please don’t confront these people and look as weak and pathetic to them as my friend looked to me when he came to my door. I knew she demanded that he do it, and I wasn’t impressed. Please don’t allow your girlfriend’s insecurities to damage your relationship with your friends or lower others’ opinions of you. Don’t let her need for incessant drama interfere with your friendships or enjoyment in life. Don’t allow her need for constant reassurance hold you back from living life to it’s fullest. Girls like this, the ones who get upset about petty things and then order their boyfriends to deal with them (all in the name of being a strong, protective man) are not worth your time or energy.

 

[Xantippe]

You know, I had almost the exact same thing happen to me my first year of college.

Towards the end of the school year I acted inconsiderately towards a friend. Not cruelly by any stretch, but inconsiderately. I didn’t realize my slight, and she didn’t say anything about it. The next day, her boyfriend (also one of my best friends) came over to my dorm and said “Jane is mad at you. Last night you…” I realized my error and felt bad for a very quick moment until I realized that we were 19, we had been friends for almost a year, and I did something insignificant and she sent her boyfriend to have a discussion with me about it.

But then it continued, and he brought up something equally inconsequential that had happened our first week of college during freshman orientation! (An incident I didn’t even remember.) I told him that I wasn’t going to listen to this anymore and that if she had a problem with me, she needed to come talk to me. He dropped the subject, stuck around and we played video games for a couple of hours.

The next day, he dumped her for being “passive aggressive”, “immature”, and “needy”. I was shocked by that-he never told me that he was even thinking about it. I’m still good friends with him, but my friendship with her fizzled out quickly after that.

I am begging you-please don’t confront these people and look as weak and pathetic to them as my friend looked to me when he came to my door. I knew she demanded that he do it, and I wasn’t impressed. Please don’t allow your girlfriend’s insecurities to damage your relationship with your friends or lower others’ opinions of you. Don’t let her need for incessant drama interfere with your friendships or enjoyment in life. Don’t allow her need for constant reassurance hold you back from living life to it’s fullest. Girls like this, the ones who get upset about petty things and then order their boyfriends to deal with them (all in the name of being a strong, protective man) are not worth your time or energy.

Yes.

Also, beware women who are always getting in fights with friends and relatives.

 

[Royalist]

I know that I am a little old to have this problem, but I developed rather slowly socially, and this is my first serious relationship, so I didn’t know what to do.

Quick word of advice: don’t let her (or any other woman you date) take advantage of you. I mention this because it is more of a risk when one person has a lot more dating experience than the other…

 

[LoveJesus13]

I developed slowly socially also so I can appreciate your uncertainty. It sounds as if Tina and Katy have an unhealthy friendship dynamic in the sense of Katy needing to promote herself over Tina with regards to these small things. If that is the case you could use that angle when talking to Tina. You could say to her Katy seems to have a problem with needing to feel a bit superior to Tina and it would just make Tina seem smaller if she had to get her boyfriend to stand up for her. **She needs to let water off a ducks back and not let Katy’s attitude and words affect her negatively like this. That is how to ‘push back’ against someones negativity. Tell her it would be wise to be more discerning about what she tells Katy. Just to be smart and not feel she has to tell Katy anything she doesn’t want to.

You can be a great support to her growth in maturity by giving her that courage to ‘stand up for herself’.**Best wishes.

I agree with LongingSoul, advise Tina that and reassure that you ARE there for her but you don’t need to do be in the middle of it. Women want to know that their bfs are there for them but just tell her nicely that to avoid this next time not to share with Katy. And if needed (when you’re with them when Tina talks to them) support her and agree with her. You don’t have to do the talking but just do the re-affirming.

God bless!