Girlfriend lied about her past....second chance?

  • Thread starter Thread starter needadvice08
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
N

needadvice08

Guest
I need some advice. This girl and I have been dating for two months(we are both Catholic I am 22 and she is 19). When we first met she told me that last year she had moved in with her ex (and parents) for two months. And he forced her to do some sexual acts (but not full sex). And she nearly left the church. But she relized it was wrong and went back home. Which I didn’t mind cos it was in the past and I don’t judge people for past mistakes.

Then a few days ago I found a couple of emails (by accident) that she had sent to a friend back when she lived there. And the stuff was not forced. I confronted her with it and we argued. She told me she didn’t tell what really happened because she was ashamed and thought I wouldn’t give her a chance if I knew.

I was not upset that she had done it cos we all make mistakes. But I was real mad that she lied to me about it. But I am forgiving her and giving her a second chance because I really love her. But some my friends don’t think I should trust her now. What do you all think?

Also how can I forget that she lied? I have a hard time letting go of anything when someone hurts me. How do I work on that?
 
In her defense, you’ve only been dating her for two months. This isn’t a long time to get to know a person and she was obviously feeling guilty about what she had done and was worried about how you might react. I feel that this is understandable.

That said, starting a relationship like that on a lie is never good. It’s important that before you continue it, you’re ready to really trust her and forgive her. To tell her that you’ve forgiven her while still harboring resentment will only breed more resentment.

If I was in your position, I would forgive and forget. In life, this lie is a small one that she made simply so that you would view her more highly. I would trust her and show her that she never had any reason to lie in the first place.
 
Hi, maybe she lied to you because she was ashamed of her past and worried about sharing it with you. Many people make mistakes, maybe she didn’t want you to feel differently about her.

Bottom line, if she is a good Catholic and had gone to confession, then you really shouldn’t dwell on it. Take it slow, it’s only 2 months and you are both really young.

Also, some advice from an older person…it isn’t a gentlemanly thing to talk about your girlfriend to your friends. Please don’t do that…if you need advice seek out a good priest. A Lot of times “friends” don’t want their friends discovering girls and leaving the pack.
 
In my opinion, if she hasn’t done anything else to make you distrust her…I’d go with forgiveness.

She said she felt ashamed. Everyone feels ashamed about their mistakes, sexual or otherwise. And that can definitely keep her from telling you the full truth.

But she did show a lack of faith in you. That is what would be hurtful to me. It would have been better if she had told you herself.

But if you love her, and she is indeed changed, you should forgive.

How?

Well, think about how much it’ll matter in the future.
If you marry her, then it won’t matter to you.
Try going to a priest to work it out. Its important that you work together to get over it.
If she was emailing her friends about it, she may have had a scarring effect on her that might need help to be healed.

But the fact that she didn’t delete the emails shows that its not on her mind.

You’re best bet is just working it out with her, and a priest.

Be honest with your own failings, and openly profess how much it hurt you and that you might have trouble putting it behind you.

If it can be worked out, it will be
 
Mary_Gail_36 said:
Also, some advice from an older person…it isn’t a gentlemanly thing to talk about your girlfriend to your friends. Please don’t do that…if you need advice seek out a good priest. A Lot of times “friends” don’t want their friends discovering girls and leaving the pack.
Click to expand...
What Mary said 👍 Also, I’m always intrigued at how people discover other peoples emails by accident 🤷

In terms of propriety, I have what could be called an horrific past. Do you think Im going to blurt it all out on a first date with a guy I like - never. He might have to build trust in me, but I have to trust him too. And noone is getting the knitty gritty on me till I know I love them and can trust them, - I realise it’s going to be a very sensitive struggle with timing - I wont lead him to think Im something Im not, but I wont be letting him know it all either till we’re at that stage of trust and surity. I think 2 months is a very short time. Maybe she just didnt trust you with her past lest you judged her.

If shes been to confession and Jesus forgave her, you should too. But if the lies continue, then you do need to relook at things.
 
needadvice08 said:
I need some advice. This girl and I have been dating for two months(we are both Catholic I am 22 and she is 19). When we first met she told me that last year she had moved in with her ex (and parents) for two months. And he forced her to do some sexual acts (but not full sex). And she nearly left the church. But she relized it was wrong and went back home. Which I didn’t mind cos it was in the past and I don’t judge people for past mistakes.

Then a few days ago I found a couple of emails (by accident) that she had sent to a friend back when she lived there. And the stuff was not forced. I confronted her with it and we argued. She told me she didn’t tell what really happened because she was ashamed and thought I wouldn’t give her a chance if I knew.

I was not upset that she had done it cos we all make mistakes. But I was real mad that she lied to me about it. But I am forgiving her and giving her a second chance because I really love her. But some my friends don’t think I should trust her now. What do you all think?

Also how can I forget that she lied? I have a hard time letting go of anything when someone hurts me. How do I work on that?
Click to expand...
I agree with Mary, too. Now your friends will think differently of her, when they see her.

But, this is not about forgiving her, for we all must forgive people who hurt us. It’s God’s law and will for us, to do so. But, you might take time to let go of the hurt, and trust her again. I agree with the poster who said this has only been two months – and this is also a time to discern who you want to continue with. While I think she deserves a second chance…it’s also your ‘right’ to break up with her, if you feel this was a deal breaker. You’re not married yet, and this is all part of the dating process…to discern who we want to continue on with.

If it were me, I’d give her a second chance. Just curious–how do you stumble upon someone’s private emails, (you’re not living with her) by accident?:confused:
 
I would also add that it’s possible that although the sex acts were not forced, she could have been pressured to do them. I had an ex (before I converted) who would act so pathetic, because of “pain” from the need to release, that I would feel guilty enough to give in and provide his relief. It may not have been physically forced or coerced for your GF, but it is possible that there was some sexual abuse going on in her relationship, as there was in mine. In my past relationship, I didn’t realize it was abuse at the time, so when I talked about it with my friends I acted like everything was just fine, even though it wasn’t.

Just thought I’d offer a different perspective.
 
Yes, it’s possible it wasn’t entirely free-willing and she exaggerated - unless the content of the e-mails directly contradicts what she told you and is more credible than that. The fact that she said she was afraid and so on, so she told you the “adjusted” version, doesn’t necessarily mean a direct lie, even if she admitted lying (direct lie is a flat out falsehood).

At any rate, she needs to deal with that and I mean it. And she has a problem. You need to think things out carefully and take a break from her for a while. If she blamed the ex for sexually abusing her when he did not, she has some stuff to sort out, preferably with the help of a professional. This is not a moral judgement of her actions. This is just a statement that she has a problem that needs to be addressed before she can have a normal relationship.
 
Just remember that dating is a trial run for marriage.

If you are being lied to now, be wary.
 
Indeed it is also wrong that she kept it from you, or rather her part in it. That kind of stuff should be told straight-out. Not in detail, perhaps, but honestly.

For many people, that would be a deal breaker. Honesty or not.
So if it isn’t a deal breaker for you, the honesty part is what you have to worry about.

As I said before, seek help.
 
Another vote here for I agree with Mary Gail.

I would also like to add though that if I was her, and I found out that you had told your friends about my past, I might be the one doing the breaking up. That’s not cool man, at all. :tsktsk:

If you care about someone you should be concerned about protecting their reputation, especially men for a woman, it’s just the gentlemanly and right thing to do.

Look at what Joseph did for Mary to protect her reputation? That should be your example.😉
 
I think that both of you have to do some growing up!
She did not have any reason to lie to you and she did so. She could have waited to discuss the topic but she did rush into it. That is strange. I think that she is too focused on herself.
You did not have any reason to go to your friend and share the information. You broke the confidentiality of a relationship. You seem more concerned with what the others think and get their approval. I think that you are too focused on yourself.
A relationship in a couple is about trust, confidentiality and above all sacrifice. Sacrifice also means keeping things to yourself instead of dumping them on someone else to feel better.
I think that both of you started with the wrong foot. You should talk about it and then decide together if to move forward.
 
I agree with the last poster–I think she told you things before she was ready to tell you the truth. That shows some bad judgment on her part.

BUT I think you showed some immaturity by discussing all this with your friends. If you end up marrying this girl, do you really want them to know all this? I would be extremely upset if my DH had decided to tell his buddies about my very personal confidences.

I’d go with forgiveness–you both made mistakes. Just make sure you learn from it. 👍
 
needadvice08 said:
I need some advice. This girl and I have been dating for two months(we are both Catholic I am 22 and she is 19). When we first met she told me that last year she had moved in with her ex (and parents) for two months. And he forced her to do some sexual acts (but not full sex). And she nearly left the church. But she relized it was wrong and went back home. Which I didn’t mind cos it was in the past and I don’t judge people for past mistakes.

Then a few days ago I found a couple of emails (by accident) that she had sent to a friend back when she lived there. And the stuff was not forced. I confronted her with it and we argued. She told me she didn’t tell what really happened because she was ashamed and thought I wouldn’t give her a chance if I knew.

I was not upset that she had done it cos we all make mistakes. But I was real mad that she lied to me about it. But I am forgiving her and giving her a second chance because I really love her. But some my friends don’t think I should trust her now. What do you all think?

Also how can I forget that she lied? I have a hard time letting go of anything when someone hurts me. How do I work on that?
Click to expand...
The lying is a red flag, but have you yourself been honest about your past?

Also, is there a potential underlying “unequal virginity yoking” issue that might be bothering you?
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top