Girlfriend Problems?

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MalachyX

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Hello,
I have much to tell you, if you are willing to read a fellow Catholic’s problem and standpoints ( I am only 14, but that shouldn’t be judged behind a computer screen).

Anyways, it’s been a while now for my Girlfriend and I, we’ve only been together in a ‘relationship’ status for three months now, and of course, at a young age that seems forever, I just can only dream of a marriage. We’ve had feelings for one another for almost four years now, she’s a lot brighter and optimistic then was originally though.

There is two-three problems however, that can be fixed…
  • She belongs to no religion, yet goes to a Non-Denominational church 4 days a week for 2-3 hours varying.
  • She lives 1/3 the way across the US now, as sad as it sounds.
  • She has never had a girlfriend, and I am worried she is only in it for the feeling of love, rather then being with me in love as a whole.
She holds a lot of characteristics I hold dear to my heart, of course… But it’s the fact she has never exactly had a boyfriend to coincide with her feelings. That being said, I feel as if over the phone and text she doesn’t tell me how she actually feels, when she gets annoyed or upset, not at me, no… But her surroundings.

She is the brightest, cutest, innocent, well-developed girl, yet I don’t feel confident of holding on to her, because of our land distance, and our development of relationship status.

Here’s another thing I would compare ourselves to…
  • I go to a private Catholic, Augustinian School; She goes to a public school
  • I’ve been in relationships before, but not as intimate as this one; She has never been in one
  • I am very well-spoken and open to conversation; She is shy and very quiet (innocence = quiet?)
  • I live in one area; She lives in another.
She said if she was old enough, and could be with me she would marry me, I would marry her if I could; I would have to convince her to Catholicism of course. She would be fine with that, as she said she would be.

How she described me…
  • Christian
  • Intelligent
  • Athletic
  • Compassionate
  • Respectful
  • Caring
  • Calming
  • Humorous
  • Comfortable
  • Attractive
  • Responsive
  • Sharing
How I described her…
  • Religious
  • Unpredictable
  • Energetic
  • Responsible
  • Forgiving
  • Smart
  • Cute/Gorgeous/Beautiful
  • Sharing
  • Comforting
  • Conservative
  • Respectful
  • Innocent
Now, I want to know how I can maintain a relationship with her, she said she’d come and see me when we got older (11th[me]-12th[her] grade), we are currently young (8th[me]-9th[her] grade), usually spend around 9-10 hours a day texting her responding fast, and when I don’t, I think about her.

I want to be with her all my life, to be perfectly honest, I have never loved someone this much, and I’d hate to loose her more then anything, besides God and my Family… She is everything and will forever be everything, as long as she doesn’t betray or hurt me too much. We have never argued in our 3.5 years of being close friends and lovers, and I wish to continue this.

We both want to have 3-4 kids, we both have similarities beyond belief… The only thing I disagree with her is her music fan, but who honestly cares? She doesn’t want fornication, something that is rare in today’s society; and which I agree fully on.

Here is my questions:
How can I keep loving her?
How will I know she wants me forever?
When is a good time to get married?
If I love her so much, should I call her and skype her more?

Thanks for reading, I hope to get some incite, it was a very long read about a relationship of a 14 year old, heh… Anyways, thank you.
 
MalachyX said:
Now, I want to know how I can maintain a relationship with her, she said she’d come and see me when we got older (11th[me]-12th[her] grade), we are currently young (8th[me]-9th[her] grade), usually spend around 9-10 hours a day texting her responding fast, and when I don’t, I think about her.
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I remember being your age, I really do. I felt the same way about a guy friend/boyfriend of mine, and I was just as obsessive. (Yes, 9-10 hours/day is obsessive. I’m married and even my husband doesn’t get that kind of time from me on a work day.) But this is not healthy. The fact that it’s long distance makes it even harder, because you are able to fill in a lot of gaps with fantasies. Whereas, if she lived near you, you would see her on days when she didn’t look so perfect, you would get into petty arguments, you would see flaws in how she treats people, etc. But when you don’t see all of that, it’s so easy to fall into a fantasy of perfection, even if you don’t realize that you’re doing it.

You’re 14. Those hours of texting and thinking about her would be better filled with homework, extracurriculars, learning a new skill, hanging out with friends, spending time with your family, and getting to know girls in your own town and learning how to socialize with them on a platonic, and flirty, basis.

Other than that, I’m going to let some parents chime in. I think that they may have a lot more (name removed by moderator)ut than I do.
 
Ah, but I am isolated at my school in the first place… ← No idea how to do quotes.

Besides, if I had homework, I’d do it, believe me, it doesn’t help I have a 4.17/4.34GPA anyways, I am fine in my works. Especially if I have succeeded to be in the 99% of adolescents. On top of that, I have never not been picked to lead a project, I’ve had 4 girlfriends before her, from goths-atheists… I’ve seen most of them.

If I love a girl, and if I want to keep it alive, we need to do this, it’s the only thing we CAN do, that’s the vulnerability.
 
First of all, you are 14, you should not be on a messqge board like this unsupervised. Do your parents know you are posting questions on a message board?

Second, you are 14. You don’t need a girlfriend at this age. Have fun with friends and be a kid for goodness sake. This is too much drama at such a young age. Go join a csome of some sort, like a Lego robotics club, Boy Scouts, Civil Air Patrol, chorus, the school newspaper, or volunteer your time somewhere.

Third, how are you possibly spending 10 hours a day texting?! Should you not be studying, sleeping, doing chores, and spending time with your family?

I think you need to have a serious talk with your parents.
 
I started posting on this forum, under another handle, at 14. I learned a lot about Catholic teaching from lurking and spending time here. I’m 24 now. I’ve also been dating my boyfriend since I was 16, and we had met and been friends since I was about 14.

OP- you seem well spoken and put together for your age. Just take it a day at a time. Don’t neglect school or friends, but you can certainly keep in contact with her on a regular basis. You’ll grow in love through time- being friends is a large part of a good relationship. Don’t worry about marriage at the moment, you do have time for that- even if you want to marry early, like 21.

Work on being a good person, and a good man. It will all be worth it for you and your future wife, whether or not it is this girl (and I’m not saying it’s definitely not going to be her). But remember that for now you can still be a kid.
 
They say that Mary was 14, and many saints performed miracles when they were in their teens, so don’t let your age alone dissuade you. Rather, recognize that society works differently than it did two thousand years ago. With our advances in medicine and technology, you now have more time to pursue and develop relationships. Take this time as a gift and use it wisely.
 
“Go join a csome of some sort, like a Lego robotics club, Boy Scouts, Civil Air Patrol, chorus, the school newspaper, or volunteer your time somewhere.”

But I am head of the robotics team, first class boy scout, alter serve and I volunteer at an Old Folk’s Home.
As long as I understand what I am doing, I am make time for someone I love, I can control text and my family life, you think I am an average child; your wrong.

I know what I am doing with my life, that’s the thing.
 
I think you need to spend a little more time with your grammar.

Who’s paying for all this? You’re 14 and you’ve had how many “lovers?”
 
You are too young to worry about a girlfriend and marriage. You may not like that answer but it is honest. She is also too young.

This does not mean you can’t be friends. But that is all you need to be at this point.

This will probably sound like a mom: You need to focus on school and get a degree. You need to think about possible careers and supporting yourself before you even start to think of supporting a wife and kids. And here is some reality: ONLY 2 out of 100 workers in this country make 250,000.00 a year and that includes all those who get at least a Masters Degree in some specialized field. The average wage is 40K a year. That is considered poverty for a family of four.

Start saving every dime you can now, get straight "A’s in school if you can, and start looking for scholarship opportunities. When, you have finished your bachelors degree then worry about a girl. Not before.
 
Also, you stated her choice of music doesn’t matter. It should.

What church does she attend for several hours every week?

You need to learn that certain words can sound the same, but mean something totally different. “Incite” and “alter” come to mind.
 
MalachyX said:
Ah, but I am isolated at my school in the first place… ← No idea how to do quotes.

Besides, if I had homework, I’d do it, believe me, it doesn’t help I have a 4.17/4.34GPA anyways, I am fine in my works. Especially if I have succeeded to be in the 99% of adolescents. On top of that, I have never not been picked to lead a project, I’ve had 4 girlfriends before her, from goths-atheists… I’ve seen most of them.

If I love a girl, and if I want to keep it alive, we need to do this, it’s the only thing we CAN do, that’s the vulnerability.
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First of all, you cannot have a 4.17/4.34 GPA. The maximum GPA is 4.0. Secondly, I’ve known a number of people who got married at 17-19. The majority of those marriages ended - and they did not end well. One person who got married at 19 told me NOT to get married at 19 (not that I had any plans to; I was 19 at that time and I’m 29 now). Her marriage ended badly. My MIL and FIL got married when she was 17. That marriage ended badly. I’ve known a few other people who got married at 19. Most of those marriages did not end well either.

To me, this sounds more similar to infatuation than real love. Let’s be honest here: you’re 14. At this point, your brain isn’t fully developed yet. Not to sound like an old fogie, but believe me, I’ve BEEN there. If I had had the insight at 14-15 that I had at 22, even, I’m sure I would have given my parents a lot less grief. At this point, you’re still figuring out who YOU are as a person - determining your own values, and what you want to do with the rest of your life. From the time I was about 9 or 10 until I was 16, I believed that God was calling me to become a religious. I had a whole plan constructed - where I’d go to get a university degree first, what I’d major in, and when I would join the order - I even had the order picked out! Fast forward to when I was 16 and my grandfather was diagnosed with and died of terminal cancer. My father was diagnosed with cancer almost 3 months after my grandfather died, although fortunately my father has been cancer-free for almost 13 years. As a result of those experiences, I decided to become a nurse. I went to nursing school when I finished high school. Today, I’m married with a beautiful stepdaughter, I’m finishing a master’s degree in nursing, and I teach practical nursing (LPN/LVN) at a college. VERY different from what I expected. Do you have it worked out what you want to do with the rest of your life? Does your GF? What if your plans change? What if HER plans change? Are you both prepared to follow each other? Have you even SPENT significant time together given that she lives a third of the way across the country? (There’s A LOT of difference between having an online or phone relationship and being together, with each other, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and having to build a home together.)

There’s nothing wrong with having friends at your age. But, IMHO, that’s all she SHOULD be right now - a friend. My sister went through AT LEAST 5 boyfriends in high school, reconnected with one of them in college, plus went through at least one other boyfriend in college. She’s now married - and her husband is someone she met as an adult. I don’t think she has contact with ANY of those other young men now. My point is, you’re going to go through A LOT of changes. I’m not saying that a high school romance can’t work - my brother married his high school sweetheart, after they had been together for about 3 years or so and were already in college. But they WAITED to get to that point - and had the patience and maturity to see their relationship through to the end. Plus, they were physically together for all of that time. At this point, your focus really needs to be on determining who YOU are - not who you are as someone else’s partner. Your identity has to be your OWN, not determined by who you’re with at the time. I’m not just being trite here. The reality is that even if you get married and you have a fantastic marriage, that doesn’t mean that something won’t happen to your partner. Accidents and serious illness can result in significant disability and death, and there is a very real possibility that you could at some point be left as a single parent, or at least the primary breadwinner with a disabled spouse. You HAVE to have your own identity and your own skills in order to keep your family together.
 
Actually, the GPA at my school is 4.34

Because of the 6 academic classes
An A+ is 4.34

Then it lowers.
I have a 4.17.
 
Hello OP,
Some people are being mean on here so don’t worry about them. If they have nothing better to do than to criticize you, then they are not worth worrying about.
You seem like a cool person.
Here’s my advice:
I know it would be really hard, but try not to get too attached to your girlfriend. I know you’re tired of people telling you you’re young, but you and her will change a lot over the next few years. I think you should accept the idea that people change and things change over time and you may not be together forever. That being said, maybe you will be. Only God knows so trust in Him completely. If you are having any doubts about your relationship, then she probably isn’t “the one”.
So in summary my advice would be don’t get too attached, make it a fun relationship not such an intense relationship, pray, and trust in God. After all, He is the writer of every true love story.
Hope that helped.
 
I have never heard a 14 y.o talk like this… You sound like an adult,maybe you are.
 
MalachyX said:
Actually, the GPA at my school is 4.34

Because of the 6 academic classes
An A+ is 4.34

Then it lowers.
I have a 4.17.
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And some schools also work on a scale where 5.0 is an A, 4.0 is a B, 3.0 is a C, etc. That was how it was at my high school and at my college, though that was 20 to 25 years ago.

More to the point, I agree with many other posters here that 14 is too young to get so serious about a relationship. You sound like a mature and responsible 14-year-old, and I commend you for that. But I would advise you to take it slow. I’m not saying cut off your relationship with this girl, but I would recommend keeping the communications to no more than an hour per day, rather than the 9 hours that I think you mentioned.

Who knows – you might marry this girl at age 17 or 18, and then have a happy, life-long marriage. But that is certainly not the only possible outcome here, so take it slow and be careful.

And regarding the number of kids you each want, I don’t think that is very meaningful at this point. Even when people marry at age 25 or 30, they often have second thoughts later in marriage about how many kids they want. I think it would be better if you could both agree to be prayerfully open to life, rather than agreeing on a certain number of kids.
 
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His_helpmeet:
First of all, you cannot have a 4.17/4.34 GPA. The maximum GPA is 4.0.
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I’ve seen it with “advanced classes,” where the grades are weighted differently. Thus a perfect grade in one class might be a 4.0 and in another it might be 4.5.
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EveningSkye111:
Also, you stated her choice of music doesn’t matter. It should.
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Why is that?
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MalachyX:
I know what I am doing with my life, that’s the thing.
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Then why are you looking for our advice? 🤷
 
To VeritasLuxMea

Choice of music is quite important. Do you think that satanic, rap, et
cetera is good, Christian music? It does matter. Christian folk should be quite mindful of their choices.

These kids are too young for all this seriousness.
 
MalachyX said:
“Go join a csome of some sort, like a Lego robotics club, Boy Scouts, Civil Air Patrol, chorus, the school newspaper, or volunteer your time somewhere.”

But I am head of the robotics team, first class boy scout, alter serve and I volunteer at an Old Folk’s Home.
As long as I understand what I am doing, I am make time for someone I love, I can control text and my family life, you think I am an average child; your wrong.

I know what I am doing with my life, that’s the thing.
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Then you aren’t sending text messages 10 hours a day.

Other than at 14 you should know the difference between altar and alter; your and you’re; you do sound like the average child.

Most 14 year old children think they have a good grasp on life. That they know exactly where they are going. They don’t actually know, but they think they do. Just like you.

This probably sounds pretty harsh. But you came here looking for advice and when you received it, you reacted just like a petulant child. Stop stomping your foot and telling us that you know what you are doing, and just listen to some of the advice.
 
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