Girlfriend Troubles

[williamdrew]

Hello this is my first post on Catholic Answers. Anyway I have been dating my girlfriend for about 4 years now and we spent much of our time together sexually active with one another. Within the past year or so we have given our lives over to Jesus and made the decision to become chaste in our relationship.

My problem is that she lives in the dorms and she sends me a text saying that she’s with some kid’s talking about their sex lives. She says that she is in a group about half girls half guys and that she told our sex stories to the group. I continued to preach to her through texts that she should probably shouldn’t be there and she said yes it’s bad but she didn’t leave, she continued. I don’t feel like our sex life (which is in the past) should be known to these individuals that are not attempting to live a chaste life and are telling their story for bragging rights. She told me the stories that she told and they were the stories of us having sex in near public places and it seems to me that she was trying to brag too. I am pretty uncomfortable about this but I just want some good answers as to how I should handle this situation. Thanks!!

 

[Viki63]

Congratulations, William, on making a great and wise decision to turn your lives over to Christ and live chastely. You will not regret it.
It does sound like your girlfriend got caught up in the conversation and was bragging a bit about her past. I can see the temptation, especially in someone rather immature.
You could just let her know that you are trying to change your life and would appreciate if she didn’t discuss your past (which is her past too). Hopefully she will understand and respect your feelings.
It’s also not charitable of her to encourage the others in the dorm in that lifestyle.

 

[Trishie]

My prayers that she will not remain so easily led and willing to betray her principles in order to be one of the crowd.
I also pray that she will become strong and trustworthy, having broken your trust as she has done in showing a shallowness with regard to her commitment, as well as placing peer-approval before your clearly stated wishes and feelings.
Hopefully upon reflection she will regret this bad witness and choose to act with integrity.
We all can make mistakes.
May God in His love and wisdom guide you both.

 

[Delaine75]

Sounds like girlfriend is caving in to peer pressure and feeling the need to tell everyone about your intimate encounters just because that’s what THEY are doing. No one needs to know about your sex life, and she doesn’t need to sit and listen to anyone else’s, either. Unless someone was holding her down and making her stay, it sounds like she made that choice to stay on her own.

It seems as though you did whatever you could do in the situation, but the choice to stay or leave was ultimately up to her. It does seem as if she was trying to brag, in which case, it may be time for her to grow up and act like a lady. If she can’t do that, you might want to re-evaluate the relationship. Best of luck to you both.

 

[1ke]

This is a major boundary violation.

Things to consider:

Is she as committed as you are to the faith?
Can she see your perspective here and why you are troubled?
Is she willing to change her behavior in the future?
Is your sexual past too much to overcome in this relationship?

 

[Actaeon]

Hello this is my first post on Catholic Answers. Anyway I have been dating my girlfriend for about 4 years now and we spent much of our time together sexually active with one another. Within the past year or so we have given our lives over to Jesus and made the decision to become chaste in our relationship.

My problem is that she lives in the dorms and she sends me a text saying that she’s with some kid’s talking about their sex lives. She says that she is in a group about half girls half guys and that she told our sex stories to the group. I continued to preach to her through texts that she should probably shouldn’t be there and she said yes it’s bad but she didn’t leave, she continued. I don’t feel like our sex life (which is in the past) should be known to these individuals that are not attempting to live a chaste life and are telling their story for bragging rights. She told me the stories that she told and they were the stories of us having sex in near public places and it seems to me that she was trying to brag too. I am pretty uncomfortable about this but I just want some good answers as to how I should handle this situation. Thanks!!

William, that’s a tough situation isn’t it: we are supposed to model our lives on chastity, so what to do about situations where discussing sexual activity comes up???

Well, the first part is to understand the proper role of sex and sexuality in relationships, and to understand that lust is not necessarily a physical act. Lust can involve images we present to others, especially when that image we present to others is very sexual in nature. Perhaps she should understand that when men hear these stories, they are thinking of her as a sexual object: not a person, but an object to be desired. In a way, she is abusing herself by allowing and promoting this behavior in telling stories about past sexual exploits to other men… and make no mistake, she’s not telling these stories to gain personal satisfaction, but to impress men who value women as sexual objects.

So what should you do about this behavior? Well, discuss with her why you’re offended: she’s presenting YOU and HERSELF to others as sexual objects, and legitimizing any mental images they might create around such a story, which is degrading to both you and her. Another thing that will help is to buy a copy of John Paul II’s theology of the body… I recommend “Man and Woman He Created Them: A Theology of the Body”. Then YOU should read it first, and then give it to your girlfriend to read so that you two can discuss it. JP II’s work in this regard is an exceptional tool for ALL Catholics in ALL marital states to read and understand!

 

[williamdrew]

I greatly appreciate the answers, they led me in my conversation with my girlfriend helped me communicate to her what exactly my problem was. However the occasion happened again, my question now is about my relationship. Why would a loving girlfriend do this to me when I’ve told her that it hurts me? I will be praying for God’s grace and guidance in my decision about where to go with my relationship.

 

[Glennford]

Why would a loving girlfriend do this to me when I’ve told her that it hurts me?

I suppose it demonstrates what her priorities are.

As a point to ponder:

I know many couples who are not religious who would never share their intimate details in public. Publicly sharing intimate details is way beyond the norm in my experience, and I’d be very cautious about what else is not normal in this situation. Good luck.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I greatly appreciate the answers, they led me in my conversation with my girlfriend helped me communicate to her what exactly my problem was. However the occasion happened again, my question now is about my relationship. Why would a loving girlfriend do this to me when I’ve told her that it hurts me? I will be praying for God’s grace and guidance in my decision about where to go with my relationship.

I suspect that your girlfriend is not in the same place or frame of mind about your sexual past. That she continues to tell others about this, in spite of your asking her not to, does not speak well of her on this issue. This is such PRIVATE information and she is talking about it expressly against your wishes. It would be one thing if she asked whether she could talk about it in order to warn other young people about the dangers of premarital sex, but from what you’ve said, that is not the context.

I will add you to my prayers. This cannot be a pleasant situation to deal with.

 

[Catholic1954]

I greatly appreciate the answers, they led me in my conversation with my girlfriend helped me communicate to her what exactly my problem was. However the occasion happened again, my question now is about my relationship. Why would a loving girlfriend do this to me when I’ve told her that it hurts me? I will be praying for God’s grace and guidance in my decision about where to go with my relationship.

It doesn’t sound like this is the girl for you, she seems to have a different view of trust and loyalty than you. Ask yourself if you were married, would you want her discussing your maritial activities with the neighbors,or her girlfriends, the next morning? Could you face them, wondering what she has told them about the intimate details of your married life?