Girlfriend's parents' feelings regarding her marrying me

[xdrumbum]

Hello all,

As you can see, I am new to this forum. As an introduction, I would first like to say I am an Agnostic. I certainly do not discard the fact that there could very well be a God and the presence of the supernatural, but I have not been raised with any religion nor do these possibilities affect my daily life. So, I would basically call myself a secularist. I would hope that many of you can look past this and help me with my situation.

I have currently been with my girlfriend for a little over three years, and although we are both barely starting college, the topic of marriage has came up a couple of times between the two of us, but there underlies a problem that could potentially bring us to a halt.

My girlfriend is Catholic, and she has expressed that she would like our possible (eventual) wedding to be recognized by the Church, and, if possible, a Catholic wedding. Obviously, we both realize that each of our personal beliefs need to be respected, and that is definitely the case between the two of us. But then her mother doesn’t agree with the fact that her daughter wants to marry me, a non-Catholic. I can certainly see why this would be a problem in her eyes, and I ultimately respect her beliefs as well.

I certainly would do all that is possible to get the acceptance of my girlfriend’s parents, because their opinions mean just as much as my girlfriend’s to me. I wouldn’t mind getting married in a Catholic Church or in a Catholic setting, having our marriage blessed by a Priest after getting married if we decided to have a marriage outside of the Church (as in a beach, or something similar), raising our children Catholic or attending Church during holidays and the like, or attending pre-marriage classes like Pre-Cana or anything similar.

Please give any insight you may have. My girlfriend means the world to me and I would do anything to be with her for the rest of my life. And although I currently do not fully believe in God, it very well may be a possibility that I convert in the future.

Regards,

Matt

 

[Trishie]

Matt, your willingness to attend preCana sessions, to be married in a Catholic Church and to have your future children baptised and raised Catholic is admirable, and there is no problem there.
I do understand that if you cannot at this stage, or any later stage, believe, then you can only be authentic. Faith is a gift of God and please God He will give you that…in the meantime, clearly you are doing the best you can.

In relation to your girlfriend’s parents, the issue isn’t that you are doing anything wrong, only that of course they have raised their daughter in hope that she will marry a fellow Catholic. Her parents do recognise that difficulties can arise, and that there is a loneliness in unshared faith, as well as a confusion about belief that can arise in the children later on, when one parent believes and the other does not. They do recognise these issues, hence their reservations.

If you continue to show the respect you do your girlfriend and her beliefs, and to act kindly and respectfully her parents, and to follow the principles you present above for marriage and children, in respect to your girlfiend’s Catholic beliefs, there isn’t an impediment.

I guess the only other thing I can say to a sincere unbeliever, is for you to sometimes reach out tentatively to that God you do not know exists. Speak honestly to this God and tell Him, if He exists, could He in whatever time and place help you to find Him. He doesn’t tend to speak, it’s more likely than when you least expect, He claims you…but for the moment, your honesty of unbelief is the best you have. There is more honesty in that than some people’s faith! Though many people have deep faith.

I’ll keep you in my prayers. In the meantime your best efforts, kindness, and respect, are all you can do at this time, given the promises of cooperation you have made.

I don’t know if that helps. We don’t have control over other’s feelings, like her parents, we can only do the best we can.

God bless you, Trishie

 

[masondoggy]

My advice would be to take it one day at a time, since you say you’re just starting college. Continue to be respectful and keep and open mind, and you never know what will happen in the next few years while you’re in college. If you respect your girlfriends beliefs and are open and supportive of her practicing her faith, I see no problem marrying her. I can understand her parents concerns, they are very real concerns. They are worried about their grandchildren growing up in a situation that could be hostile to the faith their mother is teaching them and could be very, very confusing. Many kids that grow up in homes where the parents have different religious beliefs and fight about it, grow up hostile to religion all together. It’s a very, very hard situation for kids to grow up in and I can certainly understand their concerns. But if you go into a marriage with her with an open mind and respect for her beliefs, and show that respect in front of the children at all times, then I see no problem.

I’ll be praying for you!!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Her parents are wise people. They recognize something you do not because you are very young. A father’s faith has a tremendous influence on his children. A father’s lack of faith can undermine the example of even the most devout mother.

It’s happening to me.

They don’t want their daughter to go down that long lonely heartbreaking road.

Love does NOT conquer all.

And I would counsel any young person that marrying someone who does not have their relationship with their Creator resolved yet is going to find a spouse who does not have their relationship with their fellow man resolved either. That has devastating implications for a marriage.

You are too young to be talking about marriage. Your brains are still developing. The person you are now is not going to be the person you are 5 years from now.

I would only suggest that you study something before you reject it. Pick up a copy of This is the Faith by Canon Ripley. Read it through. If you can’t live with what you read in there, you won’t be able to live with a Catholic spouse.

Good luck.

 

[maryjk]

Her parents are wise people. They recognize something you do not because you are very young. A father’s faith has a tremendous influence on his children. A father’s lack of faith can undermine the example of even the most devout mother.

It’s happening to me.

But it doesn’t have to.

I have been married for 17 years. My spouse is not Catholic. We had our Convalidation almost 6 years ago. We have one child.

We live a Catholic life. Our son and I attend Mass every Sunday and every Holy Day. Until a recent job change for me, our son and I attended daily Mass. Our son is an Altar server. I teach Sunday School. We use NFP. There are many religious articles in our house and on our walls. We pray before meals. I work part-time for the church.

It all comes down to respect. My husband respects me and therefore respects what I do. He backs my play. If I am not around for a meal, he will make sure that our son prays. If I can’t drive due to a number of surgeries, he will take us to church. He never contradicts what I teach about God, the Bible or the Church.

Is it perfect? No. I pray everyday that the Holy Spirit will come and open the eyes of my husband. I pray that he will come to know the love of God.

Is it easy? No. He gives more in the marriage than a Catholic spouse would have to. There is no compromise on a number of things, like Mass or NFP. On the other hand, I carry all of the burden of teaching my religion to our child.

But we make it work.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

maryjk, the problem is, if you lack a spouse who really shares your faith, the glue that holds your marriage together isn’t as strong. If divorce occurs, you don’t have that backup that a married couple has. I know how it goes. I am living it.

A Catholic marrying someone who is not Christian doesn’t get the same sacramental graces in a marriage to keep it going. They already have a strike against them. Not saying it can’t work, but it makes a hard vocation harder.

And everything in our society works against solid families anyway.

Why go into something with the deck stacked against you?

 

[sanctamaria17]

Hi Matt! Welcome to the forums!

OK, barely starting college? That makes you both…18? 19? I’m only asking because I’m almost twenty myself and I’m currently in the middle of my own college years.

That said…

College is a time in your life where you really learn about who you are. It’s full of intense changes and challenges. I know I’m not the same person who left her small town for the big city nearly two years ago. I’ve changed A LOT. While I was Catholic before I went and I’m still a practicing Catholic today, I’ve had to question my faith and really make it my “own” (technically it always was, I converted at the age of 15, but it definitely matured!). I’m going in a very different direction since I’ve started and have much more of an idea of what I want in life. This will happen to you and your girlfriend. Are you sure you still want to plan on marriage? Do you feel ready to be discussing that now?

Now…Catholic thing…I can understand why her parents would be perturbed. However, if your girlfriend is Catholic, her OBLIGATION is to marry in the Church. She cannot marry outside of it. If a priest blesses it afterward, that’s not a “blessing” per se, but a convalidation, meaning that your marriage is invalid and needs to be righted with the Church. She also would have the obligation to raise any children born as Catholics. She cannot use contraception. She has to wait till she’s married before engaging in sexual activity. And while you, as an agnostic, have none of these requirements, it’s your duty to support her in all of these if you love her and want to be with her. You would have to encourage her to follow her faith and your kids to follow theirs.

If you would like resources, everyone on the forum would be happy to point you to some.

I will pray for you guys!

 

[Pro-Life_Teen]

You and I are almost in the same situation - my boyfriend [agnostic/deist with the occasional discussion about conversation as a possible eventuality] and I have been dating almost 2 and a half years, and have also often spoken of marriage. Oh, and I just started college this year ^^

First of all, you seem terribly polite and nice, a wonderful couple of traits to have in this life. You seem very respectful of her beliefs, which shall go a long way if it hasn’t already.

Just to point out- a Catholic should be married in a Catholic ceremony. It would be a grave matter to have a Justice of Peace wedding, and if she’s aware of this, a mortal sin. Yes, you can have a convalidation later, but before you do that, you would have to live as Brother and Sister- so legally she would be your wife, but in the eyes of the Church you wouldn’t be wed. So sleeping with her would be a sin as well. It’s just plain easier, and correct, to go about it with a Church wedding. You two would need a dispensation, as you’re a non-Catholic, but that shouldn’t be much of a problem.

Other than that, you’ve got everything right. Your knowledge of how this works probably beats a lot of Catholics knowledge. As to her parents, well… some people dislike interfaith couples. It does pose an issue, but as the Church doesn’t forbid it, there is nothing immoral about it. Just a bit harder. You could talk to her parents and see exactly why they dislike this, or try to explain your view of things… ultimatly, technically, you can marry without her parents liking you. But as I’m sure that isn’t a desirable option, they are family after all, it would be best avoided.

I do hope this is sorted out for y’all, I’ll pray for you two. Again- perhaps a sit down discussion among adults and young adults could solve this.

God Bless!

 

[SJG1759]

Hi Matt! Welcome to CAF!

I’m a Catholic [revert] who’s married to an atheist. Here’s what jumps out at me about your post:

1. As someone else pointed out earlier, you guys are young yet. When I was 19, I was in a relationship with a guy who I was absolutely convinced I’d marry. Fast forward to now, and I have been married four years… to someone else. (College boyfriend and I are still pals, but we live in different states.) So don’t think too hard about marriage right now; things can change a lot in college, and there’ll be lots of time for marriage afterwards.
2. As others have pointed out, Catholics are required to get married in the Church… if they don’t, they can’t take the Sacraments until the marriage is convalidated. I’m glad you’re at least open to attending Pre-Cana, having a Church wedding, etc. That says a lot about your character and how much you love your girlfriend.
3. You said you’re open to the possibility of a god and you think you might convert someday. Have you ever thought about attending RCIA classes? You wouldn’t have to convert now (or ever), but it’s a good way to find out more about the Church and what you’d be getting into should you become Catholic.

Good luck! And feel free to PM me.

 

[Catholic_JIMMY]

Hello all,

As you can see, I am new to this forum. As an introduction, I would first like to say I am an Agnostic. I certainly do not discard the fact that there could very well be a God and the presence of the supernatural, but I have not been raised with any religion nor do these possibilities affect my daily life. So, I would basically call myself a secularist. I would hope that many of you can look past this and help me with my situation.

I have currently been with my girlfriend for a little over three years, and although we are both barely starting college, the topic of marriage has came up a couple of times between the two of us, but there underlies a problem that could potentially bring us to a halt.

My girlfriend is Catholic, and she has expressed that she would like our possible (eventual) wedding to be recognized by the Church, and, if possible, a Catholic wedding. Obviously, we both realize that each of our personal beliefs need to be respected, and that is definitely the case between the two of us. But then her mother doesn’t agree with the fact that her daughter wants to marry me, a non-Catholic. I can certainly see why this would be a problem in her eyes, and I ultimately respect her beliefs as well.

I certainly would do all that is possible to get the acceptance of my girlfriend’s parents, because their opinions mean just as much as my girlfriend’s to me. I wouldn’t mind getting married in a Catholic Church or in a Catholic setting, having our marriage blessed by a Priest after getting married if we decided to have a marriage outside of the Church (as in a beach, or something similar), raising our children Catholic or attending Church during holidays and the like, or attending pre-marriage classes like Pre-Cana or anything similar.

Please give any insight you may have. My girlfriend means the world to me and I would do anything to be with her for the rest of my life. And although I currently do not fully believe in God, it very well may be a possibility that I convert in the future.

Regards,

Matt

My mom is Catholic and my dad is Agonstic. Lets just say the marriage did not end well at all. All and all you need to find God before you marry and then get in bed with this girl

 

[shacks]

First, I don’t think you’re too young to be talking about marrying each other. You don’t have to be 30 to decide to get married. Many people let the ‘right’ person bc they believed they were young. You also have the college yrs to figure out these issues. I think it says a lot about you to have the type of wedding she would like. Imo, since you’re open to these things, you may not be as agnogstic as you think. You said this is the way you were raised. That has a lot to do with it. I was raised to dislike anyone who was anything but Catholic…I’ve met wonderful non-Catholics who’ve embrased & welcomed me so much.
Her parents are trying to give advice but maybe not in the most positive/Christian manor. My deceased husband was not Catholic but went to Church w/me & our DD is baptized Catholic. It was always an issue. He was not open to be teaching or explaining things to him. I have friends who’ve married different religions and they go to seperate Churches, which I don’t understand. It’s a much better family if you are in the same place.
Now…to defend you. I was engaged many yrs ago to a non-Catholic. His father disliked me bc I was Catholic & refused him to attend Mass with me. He did once but couldn’t say he enjoyed it bc it would’ve angered his father…who never went to Church. They kept after him to end our engagement so he did and married a N-C. to me, we would’ve had a good marriage and worked through the issue. The marriage didn’t last, there was infildelity and so many things. Her parents need to realize that if they treat you with respect & gently welcome you, things will could be great & you may convert but if they condemn you (judging), it could be worse. My only regret to marrying someone of a different religion is that it can interfere eventually where you live seperate religious lives which isn’t good for the kids. You have several yrs together to make your choices. It sounds like she’s person of love & kindness who’s gently leading you. Blessings to all of you.

 

[Salonika]

Matt, welcome to this forum. Hope you find the responses helpful and informative.

And also congratulations for thinking ahead – it’s always better to look at possible difficulties (in all areas of life) when they are first hinted at. It gives time to really think about them and not to have to make rushed decisions which we may later regret and wish we had had more time to make a decision as then it might not have backfired.

Also I am most impressed with the respect you nand your girlfriend have for each other and each others views.

matt:

Obviously, we both realize that each of our personal beliefs need to be respected, and that is definitely the case between the two of us.

This gives you a basis to work from. There needs to be mutual respect of beliefs for you to work through solutions if marriage is what you both decide on. Without this mutual respect there is the danger of one party feeling disrespected or one person feeling they are the “winner” and one the “loser” – not a good basis for marriage or other close relationship.

matt:

I certainly would do all that is possible to get the acceptance of my girlfriend’s parents, because their opinions mean just as much as my girlfriend’s to me. I wouldn’t mind getting married in a Catholic Church or in a Catholic setting, having our marriage blessed by a Priest after getting married if we decided to have a marriage outside of the Church (as in a beach, or something similar), raising our children Catholic or attending Church during holidays and the like, or attending pre-marriage classes like Pre-Cana or anything similar.

It is great you are prepared to do these things. You would certainly be better informed about Catholicism as a result and the implications of promises you made if you and your girlfriend do get married.

The difficulty, as you will already have realised, that doing this is not enough for deeply devout Catholic. Only taking the next step and converting is enough for them. In my view, conversion should be because you believe not to take away disapproval.

Trishie:

In relation to your girlfriend’s parents, the issue isn’t that you are doing anything wrong, only that of course they have raised their daughter in hope that she will marry a fellow Catholic. Her parents do recognise that difficulties can arise, and that there is a loneliness in unshared faith, as well as a confusion about belief that can arise in the children later on, when one parent believes and the other does not. They do recognise these issues, hence their reservations.

I know we can’t know what is in someone else’s heart and mind but there are some parents in this situation who would consider that matt is doing something wrong by continuing the relationship.

maryjk:

Is it easy? No. He gives more in the marriage than a Catholic spouse would have to. There is no compromise on a number of things, like Mass or NFP. On the other hand, I carry all of the burden of teaching my religion to our child.

santamaria17:

However, if your girlfriend is Catholic, her OBLIGATION is to marry in the Church. She cannot marry outside of it. If a priest blesses it afterward, that’s not a “blessing” per se, but a convalidation, meaning that your marriage is invalid and needs to be righted with the Church. She also would have the obligation to raise any children born as Catholics. She cannot use contraception. She has to wait till she’s married before engaging in sexual activity. And while you, as an agnostic, have none of these requirements, it’s your duty to support her in all of these if you love her and want to be with her. You would have to encourage her to follow her faith and your kids to follow theirs.

Think the above two coments describe some of the realities between a devout Catholic and someone who is not a catholic. Some people can accept these realities and thrive with them, others can’t.
sjjg1759:

You said you’re open to the possibility of a god and you think you might convert someday. Have you ever thought about attending RCIA classes? You wouldn’t have to convert now (or ever), but it’s a good way to find out more about the Church and what you’d be getting into should you become Catholic.

Think this a good idea, not necessarily now, but if your relationship with your girlfriend continues to deepen. Better to get the information directly than second hand.