Girlfriend's past

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peter279

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Hi, I’m posting because I’m really struggling with this issue and I can’t find peace within myself.

I’ve been dating this girl for 3 weeks. I grew up in a very catholic household and I am a practicing catholic. She is not a catholic and grew up in a christian household, but doesn’t really consider herself a christian at all.

I just found out last night that she had engaged in sexual intercourse with her last boyfriend. We are very honest about everything so we share a lot of things. I told her about my belief that I think it’s wrong to sleep with someone before marriage. Because I have never slept with anyone before and don’t intend to do so until marriage, this came as a huge shock to me and I still feel really sick to my stomach.

I understand that we are supposed to be forgive like Jesus did and that I should not reproach her for what can’t be changed now. The thing is, it would actually make me feel better if she were regretting what she did. But she seems ok with her past and told me that it felt ‘right’. (I also realize that she might be justifying herself and does not want to blame herself, so she might make it sound like she doesn’t regret it.) And this bothers me.

How can I come to terms with this? Am I wrong to not accept what has already been done and forgive her? I’m just feeling angry, sad, frustrated, appalled, etc. I thank you in advance for the wisdom shared.
 
What has happened before you met is beyond your control and she needs no forgiveness from you for it. The real issue for you is that you seem to have a divide in what you feel is a moral line and what she does. You have to decide whether the time spent with her is worth the risk of the ensuing battle for your acceptance of her moral values and her accepting yours. You may be the light in her life. She may be the challenge that lifts you to a higher state. On the other hand, if you are struggling with this issue this much now, I think you are in for a bumpy ride. Be prepared to have your faith challenged. It is a double-edged sword that can lead to or away from growth, depending on your response. It may end up an unhappy power struggle with hurt feelings in the end. It may end up with her embracing the church and joining you in your beliefs. Are you up to the challenge?

I speak from the experience being married to someone who has challenged me more often than I care to admit.
 
peter279 said:
Hi, I’m posting because I’m really struggling with this issue and I can’t find peace within myself.

I’ve been dating this girl for 3 weeks. I grew up in a very catholic household and I am a practicing catholic. She is not a catholic and grew up in a christian household, but doesn’t really consider herself a christian at all.

I just found out last night that she had engaged in sexual intercourse with her last boyfriend. We are very honest about everything so we share a lot of things. I told her about my belief that I think it’s wrong to sleep with someone before marriage. Because I have never slept with anyone before and don’t intend to do so until marriage, this came as a huge shock to me and I still feel really sick to my stomach.

I understand that we are supposed to be forgive like Jesus did and that I should not reproach her for what can’t be changed now. The thing is, it would actually make me feel better if she were regretting what she did. But she seems ok with her past and told me that it felt ‘right’. (I also realize that she might be justifying herself and does not want to blame herself, so she might make it sound like she doesn’t regret it.) And this bothers me.

How can I come to terms with this? Am I wrong to not accept what has already been done and forgive her? I’m just feeling angry, sad, frustrated, appalled, etc. I thank you in advance for the wisdom shared.
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Break it off (at most return to the “friend zone”). If she says she thinks it is OK, she obviously is not repentant, and could be a source of temptation for you in the future. It’s hard enough with an unequal virginity yoking, but this is compounded by two things:
  1. She is not Catholic
  2. She does not have the same values system
Even if she were a virgin just like you, these two things alone could cause a strain on married life. At three weeks, it should be far easier than after becoming emotionally attached after several months.
 
Rudy said this very well. If something this important has already caused a problem, what might the future be? We all make mistakes, sometimes awful ones, but what you are describing sounds like a possible complete difference in world view. If that is the case, it would likely spare both of you a lot of grief to move on.
 
peter279 said:
Hi, I’m posting because I’m really struggling with this issue and I can’t find peace within myself.

I’ve been dating this girl for 3 weeks. I grew up in a very catholic household and I am a practicing catholic. She is not a catholic and grew up in a christian household, but doesn’t really consider herself a christian at all.

I just found out last night that she had engaged in sexual intercourse with her last boyfriend. We are very honest about everything so we share a lot of things. I told her about my belief that I think it’s wrong to sleep with someone before marriage. Because I have never slept with anyone before and don’t intend to do so until marriage, this came as a huge shock to me and I still feel really sick to my stomach.

I understand that we are supposed to be forgive like Jesus did and that I should not reproach her for what can’t be changed now. The thing is, it would actually make me feel better if she were regretting what she did. But she seems ok with her past and told me that it felt ‘right’. (I also realize that she might be justifying herself and does not want to blame herself, so she might make it sound like she doesn’t regret it.) And this bothers me.

How can I come to terms with this? Am I wrong to not accept what has already been done and forgive her? I’m just feeling angry, sad, frustrated, appalled, etc. I thank you in advance for the wisdom shared.
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I don’t consider my girlfriends past at all. I just concentrate on our relationship. Look for a partner you are compatible with will lead to the best relationship.
 
You are receiving some wonderful answers and I would like to add something based on my life. If you want to have a spiritually fulfilling marriage as a Catholic it might be a good time for you to consider whether or not this young lady is the right person for you. I married a non-Catholic and I am going to be married 40 years. Our children were raised Catholic but I was alone all the way. As you begin your life if having a Catholic marriage is important to you, date Catholic woman who share your values. God bless you.
 
Previous posters already gave some good advice. There are a few points I wanted to make.

  1. *]The past mattes, insomuch as how it impacts the present and future. After all, we’re all products of our past experiences. Yes, we’re supposed to forgive others for their past mistakes/sins, but it doesn’t mean that we have to marry them, either.
    *]You have to decide now whether this is something you can live with, for the rest of your life, if you decide to marry this girl. I know it’s thinking far ahead, but you’d be doing both of you and her a favor, if this is indeed a deal breaker for you. If you overlook it now, it’s going to wreak havoc in the future.
    *]Despite what other posters may say, I want to emphasize that it does not, in no way or form, mean you’re a bad person, if you decide to break up with her for this particular reason. We’re all looking for certain qualities in a mate, and there are deal breakers. Women may break up with guys who have been in prison or used drugs in the past, so do not let a double standard sway your decision.
    *]While it’s true that if you really, really love this woman, you wouldn’t let this become an impediment. However, knowing this beforehand may prevent you from falling in love with her in the first place.

    In other words, follow your heart. When in doubt, ask God.
 
Key: you are not at peace with her…

…her indiscretion is probably not the reason…even her values that tell her it (the sex relations with previous boyfriend) felt right and has no ill-conscience about her past immoral actions are probably not the reason…cause for heart break yes…but not the reason for a lack of peace…

…I believe your lack of peace is an inspiration from the Holy Spirit…and again, not from or because of her actions or anything about her.

The Holy Spirit is powerful for certain…but He is usually just a whisper in our conscience and heart…so as not to coerce our free will…but I believe you are getting a very important “whisper” from Him. Pray…consult a spiritual guidance type priest (one you see or know prays LOH/DO and meditates on the Scripture outside of the liturgies or spends time in front of the Blessed sacrament) for spiritual counsel…direction.

Lastly the old adage…if you want to know Who a person is…Listen to what they say…if you want to really know Who a person is…Watch what they do…and if you really want to know Who a person is in relation to youself…find out What they Believe.

We all have faults and failures…but is only the faults and failures that are directly opposed to what we Believe…that we continually try to correct and change with an enduring effort…so that we can Become what we Believe.

My guidance to my sons and daughters has always been…when someone shows you who they are by what they believe…believe it.

Lastly…this is simply for your consideration…I surely can’t tell you what to do…because God’s grace through the Holy Spirit…blows where ever He Wills…and it is powerful indeed!

Pax Christi
 
You can’t expect someone who doesn’t view themselves as a Christian to live, feel, or act like one. I know plenty of friends of mine who had sex before marriage and don’t regret it. The truth is most people now-a-days do end up loosing it before marriage for many different reasons. Some regret it, some don’t. You can expect a person who considers themselves a Christian to regret it, but if they don’t, why would you?

Now the fact that she does not consider herself a Christian could cause trouble later on in your relationship. The fact is, she just won’t share all your beliefs, you can’t expect her to. I would say that this is a bigger issue that may cause problems then her not being a virgin.

Now as far as Christians who loose it and regret it. I don’t think you should count someone out of the running due to the fact that they lost it (You would be missing out on some really amazing women of God, who like all of us have sins in their past!). It really isn’t fair to them especially if they are repentant. Also they probably feel bad enough and now other people punishing them for a past mistake over and over. Also it is treating them like used or sullied merchandise, when they are valuable unique people created in God’s image and forgiven by Him for those sins they are repentant of. I know as a rape victim it was really hard to find a practicing Christian man who would date me because I couldn’t give my virginity to him. If it was hard for me to find Christian men when I didn’t loose it willingly, I can’t imagine how hard it is for women who loose it willingly even if they regret it and are repentant.
 
Rudy_Baga said:
What has happened before you met is beyond your control and she needs no forgiveness from you for it. The real issue for you is that you seem to have a divide in what you feel is a moral line and what she does. You have to decide whether the time spent with her is worth the risk of the ensuing battle for your acceptance of her moral values and her accepting yours. You may be the light in her life. She may be the challenge that lifts you to a higher state. On the other hand, if you are struggling with this issue this much now, I think you are in for a bumpy ride. Be prepared to have your faith challenged. It is a double-edged sword that can lead to or away from growth, depending on your response. It may end up an unhappy power struggle with hurt feelings in the end. It may end up with her embracing the church and joining you in your beliefs. Are you up to the challenge?

I speak from the experience being married to someone who has challenged me more often than I care to admit.
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This.
 
Lancer,
While the lack of peace may be from the Holy Spirit, it may also be due to him judging her for her past. In order to balance out all of the kick-her-to-the-curb answers here, I have to ask something. What if he is the perfect person to bring her back to God? What if God sent her to him to be looked after and guided back? If we approached missionary work with the same attitude, we would have no missions and we may all well be pagans.

Yes, I married a non-catholic with dispensation from the church. Yes it has been a rough ride at times. No I wouldn’t pick a different person or path in life. Yes, I had 2 boys and bore the weight of trying to teach them my faith alone. Yet, we are both the better for it. Sometimes challenges help us to see where we’ve boxed ourselves in and stopped growing according to our limited thinking. Sometimes growth comes in hard packages.

May God give peter279 the strength to make the most correct decision in this case. I say the most correct decision, because whatever you do will be correct for the path that you choose. Either will have challenges along the way. Either will lead you to the next hard decision.
 
Realize that forgiveness and trust are two different things. The Pope forgave the man who tried to kill him, but that doesn’t mean he’d trust the fellow alone with him and a loaded pistol.

This is the biggest red flag in your post: “…doesn’t really consider herself a Christian at all”.

Do not be unequally yoked. We are all fallable, we all need forgiveness from time to time, but the journey of life is hard enough when you’re working off of the same map. Don’t go travelling with someone whose map is so different from yours.

There are many Catholic girls looking for a Catholic man who intends to save himself for marriage. Find someone like that, someone with faith and goals similar to yours, someone who considers the same things virtuous as you do. Everyone will be happier, including your present girlfriend.
 
Rudy_Baga said:
What if he is the perfect person to bring her back to God? What if God sent her to him to be looked after and guided back?
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And what if she causes him to fall?
Rudy_Baga said:
If we approached missionary work with the same attitude, we would have no missions and we may all well be pagans.
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Dating and missionary work are separate things. Besides, 2 Corinthians states to not be unequally yoked to a nonbeliever.
 
EasterJoy said:
There are many Catholic girls looking for a Catholic man who intends to save himself for marriage. Find someone like that, someone with faith and goals similar to yours, someone who considers the same things virtuous as you do. Everyone will be happier, including your present girlfriend.
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Thank you! I was going to suggest to Peter that there is a current thread about a lady who is uncomfortable with her boyfriend’s view of sex - perhaps these two can be the solution to each others’ problems!

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=703909
 
Norseman82 said:
And what if she causes him to fall?

Dating and missionary work are separate things. Besides, 2 Corinthians states to not be unequally yoked to a nonbeliever.
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He has to discern whether he is able to trust and act on God’s words in Phillipians 4:13 and 1 Cor 10:13. It is part of the decision HE has to make. All we can do is offer guidance and yet too many here are making the decision for him. For him to make an informed decision, he has to have all sides of the discussion presented to him. Likewise, if he does not make the decision for himself, just follow the consensus, he will have lost an opportunity for discernment and growth.

As for 2 Cor. I must presume that my path has been wrong for the past 24 years. Thanks for pointing out that God cannot help me along the way I have chosen from an early age. Or has he called me to this path?
 
Rudy_Baga said:
He has to discern whether he is able to trust and act on God’s words in Phillipians 4:13 and 1 Cor 10:13. It is part of the decision HE has to make. All we can do is offer guidance and yet too many here are making the decision for him. For him to make an informed decision, he has to have all sides of the discussion presented to him. Likewise, if he does not make the decision for himself, just follow the consensus, he will have lost an opportunity for discernment and growth.

As for 2 Cor. I must presume that my path has been wrong for the past 24 years. Thanks for pointing out that God cannot help me along the way I have chosen from an early age. Or has he called me to this path?
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He will make his own decision; we don’t need to worry about that.

As for 2 Corinthians, although Paul counsels against marrying an unbeliever, he does not imply that it is forbidden. After all, in 1 Corinthians he counselled against separating from a non-Christian spouse who is willing to live in peace with the believer. According to canon law, however, even marrying a Christian outside the Church does require a dispensation. The arrangement has its difficulties; there is no way around that.

IOW, this is not something to go into blindly. A great many of us who practice our faith seriously are married to people who aren’t baptised or who are baptised and never catechized. My husband was baptised but was almost never taken to church and was given essentially no religious instruction. That isn’t easy. Many of us, perhaps most, would do it again, but I’ve yet to meet anyone who says it hasn’t posed hardship. It is a difficult thing.

I wouldn’t imply that it is forbidden, particularly someone who is set on doing it, but I also wouldn’t recommend it to someone who finds the fact disturbing that a person with very different values and beliefs is totally at peace with choices quite at odds with the faith. This is something that one who marries a non-believer has to take as a matter of course, not something that would leave us “shocked” or “sick to the stomach”. It also has to be understood that there is no guarantee that this will ever change. She is what she is; she deserves to be chosen for what she is, and not as a “fixer upper.” If he is warned not to do it and does it anyway, then there is reason to believe he goes in with eyes open. As it is, though, I’m convinced he’d be happier with someone whose beliefs are more in line with his own.
 
Sounfs like your main concern is a difference in value systems. That can make for a difficult marriage, especially when rearing children. The kids wil hear different sets of values from Mom and Dad.

All I suggest is to take things slow and pray for guidance. And if it’s not right, don’t be afraid to move on. As the saying goes, there are lots of fish in the sea.
 
The OP has said that he has known this girl for three weeks. Just a little grandmotherly (or motherly) advice, you don’t know her at all. If she has told you this as early in the relationship as this, I have to wonder what her morals really are. Sounds to me like you are on a different plane with this than she is. My dear husband was not a Catholic, he was an agnostic, and while he was the best thing that ever happened to me in many ways, I missed a lot not being able to share my faith with him. Before you get any farther along with this, step back and give it much thought and pray a lot. You sound like a faithful Catholic who treasures your faith. Don’t throw it away for such a shaky relationship. May God bless you.
 
peter279 said:
Hi, I’m posting because I’m really struggling with this issue and I can’t find peace within myself.

I’ve been dating this girl for 3 weeks. I grew up in a very catholic household and I am a practicing catholic. She is not a catholic and grew up in a christian household, but doesn’t really consider herself a christian at all.

I just found out last night that she had engaged in sexual intercourse with her last boyfriend. We are very honest about everything so we share a lot of things. I told her about my belief that I think it’s wrong to sleep with someone before marriage. Because I have never slept with anyone before and don’t intend to do so until marriage, this came as a huge shock to me and I still feel really sick to my stomach.

I understand that we are supposed to be forgive like Jesus did and that I should not reproach her for what can’t be changed now. The thing is, it would actually make me feel better if she were regretting what she did. But she seems ok with her past and told me that it felt ‘right’. (I also realize that she might be justifying herself and does not want to blame herself, so she might make it sound like she doesn’t regret it.) And this bothers me.

How can I come to terms with this? Am I wrong to not accept what has already been done and forgive her? I’m just feeling angry, sad, frustrated, appalled, etc. I thank you in advance for the wisdom shared.
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You must be very young? Some advice, we all have a past including your self. Lead by example and don’t try to change. Two things will happen either she falls in love with you and will strive to live a holy life, or two she will dump you, which in that case it’s still good because you were never meant for each other. Her past is her past! As long as it does not affect you i.e. STD, crazy ex ect… then you don’t have to worry about it. Worry about the present moment and live that moment and thank God that a girl in this times is willing to be with a male-virgin (nothing wrong with that).
 
peter279 said:
Hi, I’m posting because I’m really struggling with this issue and I can’t find peace within myself.

I’ve been dating this girl for 3 weeks. I grew up in a very catholic household and I am a practicing catholic. She is not a catholic and grew up in a christian household, but doesn’t really consider herself a christian at all.

I just found out last night that she had engaged in sexual intercourse with her last boyfriend. We are very honest about everything so we share a lot of things. I told her about my belief that I think it’s wrong to sleep with someone before marriage. Because I have never slept with anyone before and don’t intend to do so until marriage, this came as a huge shock to me and I still feel really sick to my stomach.

I understand that we are supposed to be forgive like Jesus did and that I should not reproach her for what can’t be changed now. The thing is, it would actually make me feel better if she were regretting what she did. But she seems ok with her past and told me that it felt ‘right’. (I also realize that she might be justifying herself and does not want to blame herself, so she might make it sound like she doesn’t regret it.) And this bothers me.

How can I come to terms with this? Am I wrong to not accept what has already been done and forgive her? I’m just feeling angry, sad, frustrated, appalled, etc. I thank you in advance for the wisdom shared.
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Forget the forgiveness stuff and dealing with that she slept with someone else, etc. It’s not relevant. Here’s what is relevant:

She thinks pre-marital sex is okay.

Solution?

End the relationship.
 
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