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sedonaman
Guest
Do you consider her to be marriage material? If not, remember, you don’t marry someone you didn’t date.
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
3 weeks in and you have found out some very important facts:
She may be telling you in so many words, that she is available to have sex with you, should you change your mind about staying pure.
You can like her and be friendly, but go no further with this. Chances are good that you will be posting more problems here the deeper in you get.
- She is a Christian by tradition (?) but doesn’t consider herself to be Christian.
- She has had premarital sex.
- She doesn’t regret that sex at all.
She may be telling you in so many words, that she is available to have sex with you, should you change your mind about staying pure.
You can like her and be friendly, but go no further with this. Chances are good that you will be posting more problems here the deeper in you get.
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Guernica
Guest
I would say end the relationship, but for a very different reason than any previous posters have said:
You have known her for 3 weeks. She’s confided that she’s not a virgin and doesn’t regret that. You’re all up in arms because of the lack of shame and regret that she’s displayed over her past romantic relationship.
Well, clearly she has different views on sex than you do – and honestly, if you think that her “defiled” state and lack of sexual guilt somehow makes her lacking as a woman, or as a person, she’s better off without you.
Every woman deserves a significant other who loves her as she is, and does not judge her. You’re judging her. Therefore, you’re not right for her.
You have known her for 3 weeks. She’s confided that she’s not a virgin and doesn’t regret that. You’re all up in arms because of the lack of shame and regret that she’s displayed over her past romantic relationship.
Well, clearly she has different views on sex than you do – and honestly, if you think that her “defiled” state and lack of sexual guilt somehow makes her lacking as a woman, or as a person, she’s better off without you.
Every woman deserves a significant other who loves her as she is, and does not judge her. You’re judging her. Therefore, you’re not right for her.
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Kelfa28
Guest
In my opinion…it really doesn’t matter if she has had pre-marital sex or not…but that is not relevant…different people have different opinions on that topic alone.
Other people have pointed far more important red flags…
Namely, she does not regret that she had pre-marital sex and would, most likely, want to do it again.
And…most importantly…she is not a practicing Christian…let alone Catholic.
You’ve known her for 3 weeks…if you aren’t interested, and it’s perfectly okay not to be, then break it off and wish her well.
Other people have pointed far more important red flags…
Namely, she does not regret that she had pre-marital sex and would, most likely, want to do it again.
And…most importantly…she is not a practicing Christian…let alone Catholic.
You’ve known her for 3 weeks…if you aren’t interested, and it’s perfectly okay not to be, then break it off and wish her well.
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LSK
Guest
It is interesting - the number of people who have pointed out to you that your values are very VERY different are (in my opinion) the people who have a real understanding of this situation.
She deserves to be with someone who shares her values.
You deserve to be with someone who shares your values.
Thank HEAVENS you found out only 3 weeks into dating! You can be friendly, keep her in prayer and let her go so she can find that person she needs to be with - the man who shares her values.
And you deserve someone who shares your values.
She deserves to be with someone who shares her values.
You deserve to be with someone who shares your values.
Thank HEAVENS you found out only 3 weeks into dating! You can be friendly, keep her in prayer and let her go so she can find that person she needs to be with - the man who shares her values.
And you deserve someone who shares your values.
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EasterJoy
Guest
Yes.It is interesting - the number of people who have pointed out to you that your values are very VERY different are (in my opinion) the people who have a real understanding of this situation.
She deserves to be with someone who shares her values.
You deserve to be with someone who shares your values.
Thank HEAVENS you found out only 3 weeks into dating! You can be friendly, keep her in prayer and let her go so she can find that person she needs to be with - the man who shares her values.
And you deserve someone who shares your values.
I think the kind of tolerance that allows a marriage to work between people whose values differ in such fundamental ways comes in a matter-of-fact way. That is not to say that the difference is something that is not bothersome, but that the patience needed to tolerate it comes fairly easily…especially at first.
There are enough things that will be hard in any relationship. It is better not to go looking for relationships with major aspects that seem very hard from the start.
This is not to say that the OP is “intolerant”–what an overused word that is!–but rather that there will be some difficulties a particular person will find easier to contend with and others that the same person will find really try their patience, and what is on either list will differ a great deal from one person to another having the same overall “ability to tolerate”. It is best to avoid marrying someone with issues for which you know up front you have little patience or that are just hard to understand.
Of course you’ll marry someone who requires patience–everyone does!–but try to find someone who lets you go with your gifts, because you’ll need all of them. Then you’ll have room for those things you sorely miscalculated (because everyone seems to have those, too!)
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Shannon46
Guest
Sometimes that kind of relationship can turn into an emotional roller coaster, if it were me I’d bail out before getting seriously hurt in the long run.
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EasterJoy
Guest
Seriously and honestly “count the cost”, at any rate. Take her as she is, or let her find someone who can. There is no shame in admitting that this person or that has things going that we can’t accept in a spouse, including coming to realize that there are things in us that they’d never accept in a spouse. It is very foolish to try to push past that knowledge. The initial sadness of accepting it is far less than the sadness to come if one fails to accept the obvious.
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Wampa
Guest
My assessment is that you’ve been given a gift. You’re only three weeks in and you’ve already found out two deal-breakers:
Keep looking for someone who is a better fit for you and who shares your value system. Don’t compromise. There are plenty of good Catholic girls out there waiting for you A lifetime of happiness is waiting for you when you find someone who shares your faith and your values.
- she doesn’t consider herself Christian
- she has no problem with pre-martial sex (note: not the fact that she had pre-martial sex, but the fact that, going-forward, this doesn’t seem to be a concern for her)
Keep looking for someone who is a better fit for you and who shares your value system. Don’t compromise. There are plenty of good Catholic girls out there waiting for you
A lifetime of happiness is waiting for you when you find someone who shares your faith and your values.
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Rita1265
Guest
First ask yourself what is the purpose of dating? Is it to find a spouse or just a recreational thing? If it is to find a spouse do you want to be married to a person that does not share your morals or your Catholic Faith? What is the purpose of marriage? Are children involved? Do you want this woman imparting her values and beliefs or lack thereof to your children? I overlooked a lot of red flags when I was married, Just make sure you are walking into things with your eyes wide open and with the glasses of Church teaching on to guide you. Blessings.
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Contra_Mundum_1
Guest
No need to take this personally. The OPs situation has nothing to do with you and your life choices. Maybe your path is not wrong, but at the same time you maybe could have made a different, better choice. I once asked a priest for advice regarding my then recent marriage to a non-Catholic. I was suddenly afraid I did the wrong thing. The priest said maybe I did. He also said that even if I did, God can turn the situation into something good but I must trust Him and let Him work in my life. His answer made sense to me. I very much doubt that God wants us to marry non believers. But when we make that decision, He will helps us cope as much as we let Him.
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Kindness
Guest
You guys have only known each other 3 weeks and sound very young, but lets assume that this relationship moves ahead right to the point of marriage. You are a devout Catholic and your new wife could very well still hold her current views and values - would she be willing to raise your children Catholic? Who knows? But currently it’s unlikely. However, the mother generally spends a lot more time with the children on a daily basis and so her values will be the ones the children will have the most exposure to, and as their loving mom her values are likely to win out (there is a reason the Jewish faith is passed done the matriarchal line).
If you want the values you grew up with to be the same in your future family you would be wise to seek a committed Catholic spouse and let this young lady also find a partner that is a better match. Just my 2c
If you want the values you grew up with to be the same in your future family you would be wise to seek a committed Catholic spouse and let this young lady also find a partner that is a better match. Just my 2c
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aicirt
Guest
I’m surpriesed she shared this with you having only known each other for three weeks. You consider it a sin while she is oblivious. I’d move your relationship to the back burner of friendship only.
I agree with the other posters: find someone who shares your Catholic values. You might be the turning point in her asessment of herself. She might see herself differently and that will be a good thing. Nevertheless, this girl is not for you.
I agree with the other posters: find someone who shares your Catholic values. You might be the turning point in her asessment of herself. She might see herself differently and that will be a good thing. Nevertheless, this girl is not for you.
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Rudy_Baga
Guest
Not really taking this personally. More said in irony. If you read my previous comments, I was trying to make this point exactly and found the finality of other responses a bit bothersome. It is as if many do not believe that God can turn any circumstances into good despite what is expressed in Romans 8:28. Meanwhile, I have often found it to be a true and worthwhile passage.
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dconklin
Guest
Oh to be young again. Our past and their past has a lot to do with how things will turn out. To take this to the extreme, if someone was an abuser (physical or drug even) - they aren’t now but once were - it is crazy to think they will never abuse again. If someone has or has had loose morals (premarital sex) it is very possible they are and will be still loose. In a relationship, these are the people who are more likely to cheat on their spouse.
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TrixieMcGee
Guest
That isn’t true. I had a pastor ( I used to be a protestant) who was a drug user and spent some time in prison for drug possession and theft. He is an awesome loving man who has devoted his life to God and has been happily married for over 30 years. We all have sinful pasts. While some people who have bad pasts do revert to their old behavior, many do not and it is not fair to assume they will. God can sure make big differences in peoples lives. Look at Saint Paul, he was a Christian killer and persecutor. God then came into his life and changed him and he became one of our greatest Christian teachers and Saints. God can use the worst sinners to end up serving Him and glorifying him the most.
Also just because someone had premarital sex does not mean they are likely to cheat. Also most of those who do not see premarital sex as wrong, see cheating as wrong. Just sayin’.
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Wampa
Guest
While this may be entirely true, it doesn’t tell the whole story. I’d wager that if you compared those who “think premarital sex is OK, but cheating is wrong” with those who “think both premarital sex and cheating are wrong”, you’d find a significantly different infidelity rate. And that’s I think what dconklin was getting at: the person willing to wait for marriage to have sex is extremely likely to be faithful in marriage.
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Sapphiregirl
Guest
I believe in premarital sex, and I think cheating, lying, other wise deceiving a spouse is DISGHUISTING. All the people I know in serious relationships support premarital sex and absolutly DO NOT believe in cheating AT ALL. Do not paint us with such a wide brush.
My fiance has been in england on and off for a year. He explicitly gave me PERMISSION to “go elsewhere” if I wanted, and you know what, I DID NOT. Given the opportunity and the permission to do so, this heathen choose instead to remain monogamous.
premarital sex=/= breaking committments one made to a loved one about something so serious.
My fiance has been in england on and off for a year. He explicitly gave me PERMISSION to “go elsewhere” if I wanted, and you know what, I DID NOT. Given the opportunity and the permission to do so, this heathen choose instead to remain monogamous.
premarital sex=/= breaking committments one made to a loved one about something so serious.
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LSK
Guest
BELIEVING that cheating is wrong and acting in that manner are two entirely different things.
People who engage in premarital sex have a different way of defining relationships as well as the meaning and use of their sexuality. For instance, for a believing Catholic, hearing from a fiancee who is going to be gone for an extended period that it would be ok to engage in sexual intercourse with someone else in order to satisfy a sexual craving would be one of the most insulting and degrading things to hear from that fiancee.
For you, and your crowd, it is a sign of love and trustfulness - and it is interesting to note that you consider it really wonderful that you did NOT go have sexual intercourse with someone else even though your fiancee had told you it was ok. Gee, you had permission but you did not do it. That leads me to believe that you see your fidelity as a gift to your fiancee at some level. You see it as some sort of statement or high water mark that, despite having permission to let someone else put a part of their body into your body in order to reach orgasm and get an itch scratched, you chose not to do so.
Now, the confusing part for me is this: when you received permission, did you stop having the cravings or were those cravings for sex just easier to handle because you were told it would be ok?
If you are truly a liberated and free person, why would you need permission or an ok at all?
Hey, if it works for you GREAT - but please do not hold it up as some sort of standard for people. It is, rather, an example of how enslaved some people have become both to other people and to their own natural instincts. They are incapable of looking at sex as anything other than an animal act.
Catholics do not see themselves as animals. We see ourselves as God’s beautiful Creation and we are called to a higher standard of behavior. We may fall short of that behavior, but that is not the fault of the standard. We cannot deny that God has a high opinion of our ability to be something more than rutting beasts of burden.
People who engage in premarital sex have a different way of defining relationships as well as the meaning and use of their sexuality. For instance, for a believing Catholic, hearing from a fiancee who is going to be gone for an extended period that it would be ok to engage in sexual intercourse with someone else in order to satisfy a sexual craving would be one of the most insulting and degrading things to hear from that fiancee.
For you, and your crowd, it is a sign of love and trustfulness - and it is interesting to note that you consider it really wonderful that you did NOT go have sexual intercourse with someone else even though your fiancee had told you it was ok. Gee, you had permission but you did not do it. That leads me to believe that you see your fidelity as a gift to your fiancee at some level. You see it as some sort of statement or high water mark that, despite having permission to let someone else put a part of their body into your body in order to reach orgasm and get an itch scratched, you chose not to do so.
Now, the confusing part for me is this: when you received permission, did you stop having the cravings or were those cravings for sex just easier to handle because you were told it would be ok?
If you are truly a liberated and free person, why would you need permission or an ok at all?
Hey, if it works for you GREAT - but please do not hold it up as some sort of standard for people. It is, rather, an example of how enslaved some people have become both to other people and to their own natural instincts. They are incapable of looking at sex as anything other than an animal act.
Catholics do not see themselves as animals. We see ourselves as God’s beautiful Creation and we are called to a higher standard of behavior. We may fall short of that behavior, but that is not the fault of the standard. We cannot deny that God has a high opinion of our ability to be something more than rutting beasts of burden.
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johnsmith2025
Guest
Well that’s often the case.
Fact is, if your girlfriend is attractive, it’s usually quite unlikely that a pretty girl beyond the age of 16 or 17 is going to be a virgin by 20 or 21, with all her opportunities and guys pursuing her.
Suppose it were the other way around, that it was you who had been to bed with a girlfriend in the past, and now you had a girlfriend who had not been with anyone – would you want her to always be hurt by it?
In life we can’t let certain things bother us — first of all, it’s in her past, not the present, and 2nd, compared to a lot of life’s problems to come, REAL problems, this is not something that even deserves your worry.
If we were to be picky about every single thing about our partners, especially our partner’s past, we would never have anyone at all.
And similarly, if we were to only select our partners based on whether they have already been to bed with someone, we would be disqualifying about 95% of the population as a potential partner.
Granted, simply reading words on a screen on a message board in the internet can’t MAKE you feel better, one thing you CAN do is look at it from a different perspective.
First, if this kind of thing bothers you, it’s because you are LETTING it bother you ( you don’t need to let it bother you ). Keep in mind, the only reason you even know about it is because she told you – if she hadn’t told you, you would not know, and therefore you couldn’t let it bother you anyway. … And 2nd, if she had not been to bed with anyone to this point in her life, chances are that would only be if she were hideously unattractive, in which case you know you would not be with her anyway.
So, while this is something that does bother many people, you don’t NEED to let it bother you, and there’s nothing you can do about it anyway.
All you need to do is know that if you take her for your wife one day, only THEN do you need to know she isn’t going to bed with any other guys from that point on.
You are letting your religious way of thinking unfairly influence your feelings negatively, and also your realistic expectations of how people behave.
You don’t have to let it bother you.
If she’s your wife one day and the 2 of you are having a good time in bed one night, believe me, nothing in this world is going to bother you at that moment - you’ll be having too good a time to allow anything to bother you.
Logic
Fact is, if your girlfriend is attractive, it’s usually quite unlikely that a pretty girl beyond the age of 16 or 17 is going to be a virgin by 20 or 21, with all her opportunities and guys pursuing her.
Suppose it were the other way around, that it was you who had been to bed with a girlfriend in the past, and now you had a girlfriend who had not been with anyone – would you want her to always be hurt by it?
In life we can’t let certain things bother us — first of all, it’s in her past, not the present, and 2nd, compared to a lot of life’s problems to come, REAL problems, this is not something that even deserves your worry.
If we were to be picky about every single thing about our partners, especially our partner’s past, we would never have anyone at all.
And similarly, if we were to only select our partners based on whether they have already been to bed with someone, we would be disqualifying about 95% of the population as a potential partner.
Granted, simply reading words on a screen on a message board in the internet can’t MAKE you feel better, one thing you CAN do is look at it from a different perspective.
First, if this kind of thing bothers you, it’s because you are LETTING it bother you ( you don’t need to let it bother you ). Keep in mind, the only reason you even know about it is because she told you – if she hadn’t told you, you would not know, and therefore you couldn’t let it bother you anyway. … And 2nd, if she had not been to bed with anyone to this point in her life, chances are that would only be if she were hideously unattractive, in which case you know you would not be with her anyway.
So, while this is something that does bother many people, you don’t NEED to let it bother you, and there’s nothing you can do about it anyway.
All you need to do is know that if you take her for your wife one day, only THEN do you need to know she isn’t going to bed with any other guys from that point on.
You are letting your religious way of thinking unfairly influence your feelings negatively, and also your realistic expectations of how people behave.
You don’t have to let it bother you.
If she’s your wife one day and the 2 of you are having a good time in bed one night, believe me, nothing in this world is going to bother you at that moment - you’ll be having too good a time to allow anything to bother you.
Logic
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