Girlfriend's Religious Parents

[PlayingGames]

Hi,

I was hoping someone could offer some advice.

My girlfriend’s parents are very strong in their faith and I am supposed to be meeting them later this month. We are currently living together and I am an atheist, two things which will no doubt be frowned upon.

The relationship between my girlfriend and her parents has been problematic to say the least. They will sometimes not talk for months at a time, so meeting them could be a good opportunity to build bridges.

I understand this is a catholic site so I will not be critical of catholic advice. I am here to sincerely ask for advice from those with more life experience than me. I’m just looking for the best way to approach this issue.

Thank you for any responses in advance

 

[Allegra]

My advice is not to discuss the issues in contention and redirect any questions about the morality of your living situation to your girlfriend. Otherwise, be polite, compliment their home and cooking, and do the normal stuff one doesn’t when visiting someone’s home.

 

[Catholic1954]

Be the polite, respectful young man that your parents would be proud of. If religion comes up, don’t argue or make a scene; let them have their say and then let it go. Their major concern will be how you treat their daughter and what are your plans for the future. Be prepared to answer those questions!

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

In addition to the previous posts, understand that should your lack of faith come up, they may say things or ask questions that one the surface may sound insensitive, condescending, etc. Answer charitably as they may have genuine questions that are from a place of genuine curiosity or concern.

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t think it is likely they’ll corner you or confront you. They might be cold, but you might be surprised.

In the unlikely event that you are cornered as if you are the engineer of the decisions their daughter made that they do not like and assuming that is not the truth, tell them that you have tried to be careful not to pressure their daughter to do anything she does not want to do and would not do that. Direct them to her. She is not going to want you to talk to her parents as if you were making her decisions for her, so don’t.

If you have pressured her, well, I’m sure that even your non-Catholic friends would caution you against that sorry road. Let’s hope you would not do such a thing. Talk to her about that before you ever go to see her parents, and talk to her about how she would like you to handle yourself. Do stick up for her having integrity about what she believes is right in her own mind and heart, even if you wouldn’t agree for yourself. You’ll never regret doing that. I would hope she would do the same–that is, for instance, never pressuring or so much as allowing you to falsely pretend you had accepted the faith but only wanting you to join the Church because you truly became a believer.

If you have gotten serious and want to have a permanent relationship, I’d very much suggest an Engaged Encounter weekend. It is pretty much getting stuck talking to each other about all your expectations for your life together. As different as your backgrounds are, you cannot afford to go forward in any blind hopes. Know what you’re getting into, both of you.

 

[pianistclare]

Well, since you asked:I’ll be the bad guy.
Be patient with these people. They are people of faith; and their daughter has thumbed her nose at everything they hold dear and true.

Be aware that this hurts them.
Be careful of their feelings, and make sure that the conversation is cordial considering you both are going against everything they have tried to teach her. It must be very hard for them. Regardless of what the young lady thinks, no one wants to be not speaking to their child.

They are probably just as nervous as you are.
If you love her, you will try to keep peace between them.
Someday you may have a child who doesn’t think you are right about certain things either.

I’m very glad you want to bring everyone together as a family again.

Best wishes!

 

[mommy_k]

If you are staying over, respect house rules, and let your girlfriend know you will be fine with these rules as well.

 

[CthgeDelendaEst]

You say they are strong in their faith, but I’m curious about hers? A lot of people tend to fall away from their faith when they are young and feel invincible, then return later when they have kids to raise. You better make sure you are on the same page. Life is hard enough when you share the same belief system.

 

[z_0101]

Well, since you asked:I’ll be the bad guy.
Be patient with these people. They are people of faith; and their daughter has thumbed her nose at everything they hold dear and true.

Be aware that this hurts them.
Be careful of their feelings, and make sure that the conversation is cordial considering you both are going against everything they have tried to teach her. It must be very hard for them. Regardless of what the young lady thinks, no one wants to be not speaking to their child.

They are probably just as nervous as you are.
If you love her, you will try to keep peace between them.
Someday you may have a child who doesn’t think you are right about certain things either.

I’m very glad you want to bring everyone together as a family again.

Best wishes!

Yes THIS

 

[PlayingGames]

You say they are strong in their faith, but I’m curious about hers? A lot of people tend to fall away from their faith when they are young and feel invincible, then return later when they have kids to raise. You better make sure you are on the same page. Life is hard enough when you share the same belief system.

We are both atheist. She had fallen away from her faith before she met me.

 

[Irishmom2]

I am really not sure what kind of advice you are looking for.

I assume that you will be polite, have nice manners, and not start any discussions that will cause trouble.

What do you think any of us can offer?

 

[RPRPsych]

Well, since you asked:I’ll be the bad guy.
Be patient with these people. They are people of faith; and their daughter has thumbed her nose at everything they hold dear and true.

Be aware that this hurts them.
Be careful of their feelings, and make sure that the conversation is cordial considering you both are going against everything they have tried to teach her. It must be very hard for them. Regardless of what the young lady thinks, no one wants to be not speaking to their child.

They are probably just as nervous as you are.
If you love her, you will try to keep peace between them.
Someday you may have a child who doesn’t think you are right about certain things either.

I’m very glad you want to bring everyone together as a family again.

Best wishes!

Wise words to live by!

 

[pianistclare]

We are both atheist. She had fallen away from her faith before she met me.

I don’t think you will be blamed. I’m just saying, they are still grappling with this decision, and likely always will. Just keep it in mind.

 

[PlayingGames]

I don’t think you will be blamed. I’m just saying, they are still grappling with this decision, and likely always will. Just keep it in mind.

Will do, thanks for the advice.

My approach is a fairly obvious one, which is to not discusss religious viewpoints with her parents. If asked I will politely respond but won’t be confrontational about it.

Part of me does feel it is a huge shame, the way they have responded to her in the past. I understand their opinion is completely different to our own but I still think civility is the best way forward.

 

[EasterJoy]

We are both atheist. She had fallen away from her faith before she met me.

It could be permanent–if “former Catholic” were a denomination, it would be second in size in the US only to the Roman Catholic Church itself–but we’re giving you the heads-up that it is also fairly common for a Roman Catholic raised in the faith to fall away from the practice of the faith in young adulthood but then to return when they have children. Be ready for that.

Also be ready for your in-laws to ask for permission to take your future children to church with them if the grandchildren request it. This is a common scenario, as many children do ask to do this. As the saying goes, children and their grandparents are natural allies, since they share a common enemy. Are you going to require your children to refrain from the religion of their grandparents, or are you going to allow them to choose to be religious with their grandparents if they choose to be?

 

[PlayingGames]

It could be permanent–if “former Catholic” were a denomination, it would be second in size in the US only to the Roman Catholic Church itself–but we’re giving you the heads-up that it is also fairly common for a Roman Catholic raised in the faith to fall away from the practice of the faith in young adulthood but then to return when they have children. Be ready for that.

Also be ready for your in-laws to ask for permission to take your future children to church with them if the grandchildren request it. This is a common scenario, as many children do ask to do this. As the saying goes, children and their grandparents are natural allies, since they share a common enemy. Are you going to require your children to refrain from the religion of their grandparents, or are you going to allow them to choose to be religious with their grandparents if they choose to be?

The in-laws taking the (potential future) children to church would maybe be problematic for me. Whilst I would respect her parents to have their own religious views, Im not sure I would want my future children to be told that a religious world view is true at such formative ages.

I still want future children to be open minded and if they grow up to be religious then so be it. I’m just not sure how I feel about it, it definitely requires some thought on my part.

 

[Maol_Mhuire]

Part of me does feel it is a huge shame, the way they have responded to her in the past. I understand their opinion is completely different to our own but I still think civility is the best way forward.

I first met my wife when she was 17. We were long-distance for the first year of our relationship—and sadly it was not the last period of long-distance between us—and during that time we often spoke about any of the issues she was struggling with. Her parents, especially her father, were frequent topics of conversation.

But after meeting her parents, and spending extended amount of time with them, I realised that everything I knew about them was coloured by the perception of them that their daughter had. I began to see something that they would do or not do but in a totally different light than what my wife would perceive.

So my advice is the same advice a lot of politicians are giving Americans in regards to Trump. A clean slate. Don’t approach her parents with pre-conceived notions of who they are or how they stand in relation to their daughter. Everything you know about them comes through the prism of a daughter at strained relations with her parents. You don’t know what their point of view actually is. They don’t like her atheism? Perhaps when she was 17 she was blaring Agnostic Front at high volume, spitting on crucifixes and praying to the FSM during grace at meals. She might simply say she abandoned her belief in God and her parents oppressed her free-thinking ways. I’m not saying she did do any of that. I’m simply saying that you have to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

The in-laws taking the (potential future) children to church would maybe be problematic for me. Whilst I would respect her parents to have their own religious views, Im not sure I would want my future children to be told that a religious world view is true at such formative ages.

Parents have the right to decide how their children will be raised and educated. That means that atheist parents have a right to raise their children atheist and that should not be directly interfered with.

However if you want your children to be open-minded then surely limiting their education and experience simply to your own atheistic lifestyle and world-view will not accomplish that. Wouldn’t exposure to the religious beliefs of others work towards creating open-mindedness? “Grandmum and Grandpa believe in God, and they go to church every Sunday to worship God. It’s their way of expressing religious belief, like billions of other human individuals. Jews also go to Synagogue on Saturdays, and Muslims have special prayer services on Fridays.”