Girls asking/proposing

[Kay_Cee]

My grandmother used to say that a man chases a woman until she catches him.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Nothing exactly wrong with it per se (at least in the moral sense), but it shouldn’t ever be necessary. If a man is interested, he will ask you. You may have to make it fairly obvious that you are interested, especially if he is shy; but still, if he is interested, he will ask. My husband is shy, but even he eventually asked me out.

To me, it just feels wrong if the woman does the asking. I wanted a man who likes me enough to pursue me a little. If he won’t do that, then he is either uninterested or hopelessly passive.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Having Aspergers makes it very tough. A woman could be giving me all the signals in the world and wouldn’t recognize them at all. I’d probably see her and think, “Damn, she’s pretty. I wish I could think of something to talk to her about.” Eye contact is also something that’s very hard. Not because I’m shy, but because it feels . . . . violent I guess, like some kind of personal violation.

I’m sure that would make it much harder; I didn’t necessarily take into account people who have Aspergers. Maybe in your case it would be better if the woman asked the first time around? Hope you find someone who “gets” you; I am sure you will.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Nothing exactly wrong with it per se (at least in the moral sense), but it shouldn’t ever be necessary. If a man is interested, he will ask you. You may have to make it fairly obvious that you are interested, especially if he is shy; but still, if he is interested, he will ask. My husband is shy, but even he eventually asked me out.

To me, it just feels wrong if the woman does the asking. I wanted a man who likes me enough to pursue me a little. If he won’t do that, then he is either uninterested or hopelessly passive.

That’s how I feel too. I’m an assertive, strong willed person, and I wanted someone who was more assertive and strong than I am. It’s sexy when a man named the first move.

But not everyone feels that way. There are as many ways for couples to come together as there are couples. If you behave in a way that’s incongruent with who you are, you’ll attract someone who’s incompatible with the real you.

As for proposing, hubby and I talked about it as the relationship developed and eventually it was just an understanding that of course we’d get married. But he did propose, and that was something that was important to both of us - he didn’t even want me to tell anyone that we’d discussed marriage until he did it. But of course he knew I’d say yes.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

*makes the first move. Autocorrect is embarrassing.

 

[E_7]

My grandmother used to say that a man chases a woman until she catches him.

Wise words. Lol.

My dad used to tell me that I should do like fishing. Let the fish(now husband, back then boyfriend ) bite the bait and let it roam free but without letting go off the bait, and he will eventually want to return to me and be eternally hooked. Or something like that.

 

[chevalier]

I know, it’s traditional for guys to ask girls on a date or propose marriage.

is there anything wrong with the girl asking though? I’ve heard many catholics say that they shouldn’t and I’m wondering if that’s just their personal opinion?

or is it another preference thing?

Despite being a traditional person in general, I’m not a big fan of traditional proposing because — supposing it actually isn’t done purely for show, in which case it’s best rid of altogether — it puts the woman in an awkward position, facing awkward pressure, as opposed to making it a joint decision about mutual future.

Re: asking out, I’m not a big fan of superficial trappings of formality at early stages at all, which should also be a partial answer to your question. Even so, it’s fine for a woman to show some initiative, and there are also ways to do just that which are different from actually asking the man. ‘So when are you going to (…),’ ‘is that a proposal?,’ ‘are you asking me out?’ etc. are all valid questions, and letting the man know that the reaction would be positive were he to ask also is a valid option that doesn’t actually run afoul of traditional constraints (too much). Why break etiquette if you can bend it? On the other hand, etiquette is supposed to serve people and not the other way round.

For the record, there’s no need to be too direct or too explicit. Just suggest meeting up some time, ‘to get to know each other better,’ if you really need to add that. But there’s no need to clarify your intentions further. You can always leave it up to the man to actually call and suggest such a meeting and restrict yourself to just letting him know the option’s on the table.

 

[MonteCristo]

Actually, I don’t really like either person “proposing”. The decision to marry is a very serious one and the couple should work through it together over time. They discern marriage together. Naturally one of them will have to be the first to raise the issue, but the issue certainly should have been raised well before any “proposal” happens.

As for asking someone on a date - go for it. No reason for women to sit back and wait for a man to ask. There are many shy men - I am one - who find asking women out intimidating. I much preferred when a woman asked me on a date.

Thought I was the only one who felt this way! I completely agree. It’s much better to do this than to plan it on your own without mentioning it to your significant other. People do stuff like proposing in the middle of a crowded resteraunt or baseball stadium and wonder where it wrong when they are rejected because they “thought” the other would like to marry them. ALWAYS talk it out beforehand.
This isn’t to say that surprise proposals cannot be beautiful and special, but make sure you have talked about marriage before!

 

[oldrover]

In 1985, my future wife and I were working at a radio station (both on-air types).

One Monday at the station, she wrote me a note asking me to her apartment where she would make lunch for me. She sealed it in an envelope, and put it in my inbox. Which I never ever checked. LOL

That Friday evening, while at my apartment, I get a call from her from the studio. (she was on the air) In a very upset tone, she said, 'You know, if you don’t want to go out with me, just say so. But don’t read my note and then ignore it."

To which I said, “What note?”

She was then mortified, stammered to ‘never mind’ and hung up.

So, I of course drove to the station and checked my inbox… found the note… which had been OPENED. (!!!) I went into the studio… she was embarrassed… and I told her, “I’d love to accept your offer… as long as you allow me to return the favor subsequently by making YOU lunch at MY apartment.”

She later told me, “That was when I knew I had you.” LOL

This year we’ll celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary. So, yeah, I’m all in favor of the girl asking out the guy.

 

[DaveBj]

As a single female I would prefer the guy to ask me out first and the guy to propose. While I don’t think it’s wrong for the girl to ask the guy I also don’t think it is quite right.

A girl can drop subtle (and I do mean subtle) hints that she is interested in a guy but a guy should be brave enough and “man” enough to ask a girl he likes out. It is a growing experience in my opinion.

The hint from my wife (of 46 years) was about as subtle as a Mack truck – something to the effect of “You’d make me that happiest girl in the world if you asked me to marry you.”

 

[Naskor]

I know, it’s traditional for guys to ask girls on a date or propose marriage.

is there anything wrong with the girl asking though? I’ve heard many catholics say that they shouldn’t and I’m wondering if that’s just their personal opinion?

or is it another preference thing?

It a tradition that largely depends on culture. For most Catholics I know of, they decided to get married together. It didn’t really matter who brought it up. If they had a proposal it was after they already decided to get married. The when and where of the proposal was a surprise, not the answer.

 

[AdamP88]

I know, it’s traditional for guys to ask girls on a date or propose marriage.

is there anything wrong with the girl asking though? I’ve heard many catholics say that they shouldn’t and I’m wondering if that’s just their personal opinion?

or is it another preference thing?

Nothing (morally) wrong with it.

I know my fiancee very much desired for me to propose. We both have the traditional idea that the man should take the initiative in this area. My personal opinion would be that it’s chivalrous and respectful for the man to do it. He takes the initiative and also the chance that he’ll be rejected upon himself. That said, I think it depends on the couple.

 

[Catholic_Lady]

I personally prefer the man asking me, but have no problem with the general notion of girls asking.

It’s a matter of opinion, not a matter of Church teaching or anything like that. It’s not like it’s a sin for girls to ask lol.

 

[LethalMouse]

This is a tricky one, because of course there’s nothing wrong with it. But, when I was single, I always just assumed that if he didn’t ask, he wasn’t interested. I’d flirt, smile, make eye contact, even playfully look for an excuse to touch his arm (only once unless he responded), etc. But I never made any moves or did any asking.

Probably more personal preference than anything.

As a man,

1. Do you know how dumb we are?
2. If there is something on our minds, something going on whatever… we won’t notice the top secret signals
3. If you throw out signals shortly after some other girls sent twice as many signals and then was like “oh I have a bf though” or whatever. We will quetion if they are really the signals.
4. I posted on CL missed connections once, unfortunately she saw it long after while I was with someone… but this girl was tossing me every possible signal and I was sick. I missed them all until I was long go e in my car and “DOH”. Turned out she was so into me she found out about my post from her sister who remmebrred how much she was into that guy she met at the store…
5. Just say something! Lol

 

[Ridgerunner]

It a tradition that largely depends on culture. For most Catholics I know of, they decided to get married together. It didn’t really matter who brought it up. If they had a proposal it was after they already decided to get married. The when and where of the proposal was a surprise, not the answer.

I’m inclined to agree with this, generally.

In my dating years, two young women did propose to me (at separate times, of course). I wasn’t ready for marriage at that time, and it was nothing but an intense embarrassment; undoubtedly worse for them than for me. They were both fine young women and I liked them a lot. I knew from childhood that I would get married sometime, but those times just weren’t the times. Undoubtedly those roles and the result are sometimes reversed.

After my wife and I had been dating awhile, it sort of became a “known” without either of us proposing to the other. It was funny. I don’t have any taste in anything, let alone jewelry, so we both went to a jewelry store together and picked out the rings, or actually, she did and I agreed with her choices. But still, neither of us had proposed or even said straight up that we were going to get married.

Well, I had the ring. She lived in a distant city by then, so I arranged to meet her in a city in between. I then did the “formal proposal” thing with the very engagement ring she picked out. I even did the “down on one knee” thing. I don’t know that she appreciated it especially, but she did seem amused by it.

Shortly after that, we went to the city where she lived, and I formally asked her father for his permission to marry her. My wife was in the next room, and I could hear her and her mother giggling together over it, but her father and I both played it straight.

I think people know, and acknowledge it in a lot of ways. If one of them doesn’t make it pretty obvious, then maybe it’s not time yet.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

As a man,

1. Do you know how dumb we are?
2. If there is something on our minds, something going on whatever… we won’t notice the top secret signals
3. If you throw out signals shortly after some other girls sent twice as many signals and then was like “oh I have a bf though” or whatever. We will quetion if they are really the signals.
4. I posted on CL missed connections once, unfortunately she saw it long after while I was with someone… but this girl was tossing me every possible signal and I was sick. I missed them all until I was long go e in my car and “DOH”. Turned out she was so into me she found out about my post from her sister who remmebrred how much she was into that guy she met at the store…
5. Just say something! Lol

Nope. I didn’t and I wouldn’t even if my husband died and I was single again. Flirting isn’t a “top secret signal”, though it is true that wires can get crossed. But I wanted a man who was socially aware enough and brave enough to approach me.

The beginning of a relationship is fun and exciting. I like being pursued, and it’s attractive when a man does it well. I’m not into playing hard to get, but he does have to put himself out there and try.

 

[Bataar]

I don’t recognize flirting at all. I remember being at a bar a few years with a couple of friends. I went up to the counter to get a drink and a girl came up to me and asked me how tall I am. Since I’m tall (6’6") it’s not an uncommon thing so I didn’t think anything of it. I told her and made a joke and she asked something else and I answered (I honestly don’t remember what was said at this point) and she walked away. I got my drink and went back to our table and my friends asked me if I got her number. Surprised they would even think that, I told them no and they were in shock. They both said she was totally flirting with me. I just thought she wanted to know how tall I am.

Flirting and body language in general are basically foreign languages that I don’t understand. Unfortunately, it’s hard to find “credible” classes you can take to learn those languages.

Small talk in general and getting to know people are also very hard. For me, at least with people I don’t know, talking is about the exchange of information. Let’s say I’m at the park walking my dog and I see a woman there that I find attractive. Because I don’t know anything about her, it’s pretty much impossible for me to start any kind of conversation with her. After all, I don’t know her at all. I have no idea what her interests are let alone if we share common interests to talk about. I’ve been told to ask someone like that about their job. I remember the first time someone suggested that, the first thing I thought of was, ‘Why would I want to know that?’ Assuming I never see that person again, I’ve just spent precious time and energy asking for information that is completely useless and irrelevant. I know my brain is wired wrong, but that’s just the way it is.

 

[Sarcelle]

I don’t recognize flirting at all. I remember being at a bar a few years with a couple of friends. I went up to the counter to get a drink and a girl came up to me and asked me how tall I am. Since I’m tall (6’6") it’s not an uncommon thing so I didn’t think anything of it. I told her and made a joke and she asked something else and I answered (I honestly don’t remember what was said at this point) and she walked away. I got my drink and went back to our table and my friends asked me if I got her number. Surprised they would even think that, I told them no and they were in shock. They both said she was totally flirting with me. I just thought she wanted to know how tall I am.

Flirting and body language in general are basically foreign languages that I don’t understand. Unfortunately, it’s hard to find “credible” classes you can take to learn those languages.

Small talk in general and getting to know people are also very hard. For me, at least with people I don’t know, talking is about the exchange of information. Let’s say I’m at the park walking my dog and I see a woman there that I find attractive. Because I don’t know anything about her, it’s pretty much impossible for me to start any kind of conversation with her. After all, I don’t know her at all. I have no idea what her interests are let alone if we share common interests to talk about. I’ve been told to ask someone like that about their job. I remember the first time someone suggested that, the first thing I thought of was, ‘Why would I want to know that?’ Assuming I never see that person again, I’ve just spent precious time and energy asking for information that is completely useless and irrelevant. I know my brain is wired wrong, but that’s just the way it is.

Just curious. What do you regard as small talk? The weather, current events?

 

[LethalMouse]

I don’t recognize flirting at all. I remember being at a bar a few years with a couple of friends. I went up to the counter to get a drink and a girl came up to me and asked me how tall I am. Since I’m tall (6’6") it’s not an uncommon thing so I didn’t think anything of it. I told her and made a joke and she asked something else and I answered (I honestly don’t remember what was said at this point) and she walked away. I got my drink and went back to our table and my friends asked me if I got her number. Surprised they would even think that, I told them no and they were in shock. They both said she was totally flirting with me. I just thought she wanted to know how tall I am.

Flirting and body language in general are basically foreign languages that I don’t understand. Unfortunately, it’s hard to find “credible” classes you can take to learn those languages.

Small talk in general and getting to know people are also very hard. For me, at least with people I don’t know, talking is about the exchange of information. Let’s say I’m at the park walking my dog and I see a woman there that I find attractive. Because I don’t know anything about her, it’s pretty much impossible for me to start any kind of conversation with her. After all, I don’t know her at all. I have no idea what her interests are let alone if we share common interests to talk about. I’ve been told to ask someone like that about their job. I remember the first time someone suggested that, the first thing I thought of was, ‘Why would I want to know that?’ Assuming I never see that person again, I’ve just spent precious time and energy asking for information that is completely useless and irrelevant. I know my brain is wired wrong, but that’s just the way it is.

I heard on the radio an interesting point, they were talking about smiling at random people and how it has a positive effect on people. Then a caller mentioned as how a guy has to be careful, smiling as man carries a creepy/alterior motive connotation. For me in a bar I am on my game, but in regular life I feel “beat down” to make sure not to be “offensive” and therefore am in the mindset that “how tall are you” etc. carries the same conversational means as a man asking.

One woman here mentioned arm touching, and while men and women differ on what does what for us I was mind blown when I was told by a slew of older women at work how the touch arms/chest in the same manor that a guy might touch a butt. I realized that I was regularly as objectified as women aren’t allowed to be lol (some admitted as much). Then comes the actual flirting… I can watch a man say almost completely innocent things at work and be reprimanded/lose a job while others can do so at will. I am a bit lucky as the youngest guy in my department with as one nurse put it “the all american boy look” I can say/do much that most guys in my department get in trouble for. This makes it extra strange though, as I am no Brad Pitt and can occasionally experience the whole “men are creepers” mindset which makes me spend a while back in the absolutely no flirt zone and treat women as men. Of that is when those “dude she is flirting with you” moments that I miss and from what I have heard from some women they take missed flirting as a rejection… umm sorry but I was sacred of you lol. Didn’t mean to reject you

I would say if some of us weren’t “afraid” of being clued into flirting due to societal impact, women would be less on the hook to be direct. But given the multitude of modern issues, if a woman doesn’t want to feel falsely rejected or wonder what could have been, she needs to say something more direct than “nice weather, how tall are you?”

 

[Bill_Martin]

I don’t recognize flirting at all. I remember being at a bar a few years with a couple of friends. I went up to the counter to get a drink and a girl came up to me and asked me how tall I am. Since I’m tall (6’6") it’s not an uncommon thing so I didn’t think anything of it. I told her and made a joke and she asked something else and I answered (I honestly don’t remember what was said at this point) and she walked away. I got my drink and went back to our table and my friends asked me if I got her number. Surprised they would even think that, I told them no and they were in shock. They both said she was totally flirting with me. I just thought she wanted to know how tall I am.

Flirting and body language in general are basically foreign languages that I don’t understand. Unfortunately, it’s hard to find “credible” classes you can take to learn those languages.

Small talk in general and getting to know people are also very hard. For me, at least with people I don’t know, talking is about the exchange of information. Let’s say I’m at the park walking my dog and I see a woman there that I find attractive. Because I don’t know anything about her, it’s pretty much impossible for me to start any kind of conversation with her. After all, I don’t know her at all. I have no idea what her interests are let alone if we share common interests to talk about. I’ve been told to ask someone like that about their job. I remember the first time someone suggested that, the first thing I thought of was, ‘Why would I want to know that?’ Assuming I never see that person again, I’ve just spent precious time and energy asking for information that is completely useless and irrelevant. I know my brain is wired wrong, but that’s just the way it is.

That sounds so much like me.

During my sophomore year at university, a girl I had gotten to know and I were standing at the bus stop after class. This was around 7 pm. She sighed rather loudly and said “I’m so hungry! Are you? Where’s the best place to eat around here?” I rather blandly gave her GPS-like instructions to the various restaurants in the area, wished her a good night, and got on the bus and left.

Another time I assigned to a group project. My partner, a girl (not the one above), and I were exchanging contact info. She saw that I had logged in to Facebook on my phone, grabbed the phone from my hand, said “I’ll find my profile for you”, and promptly navigated to the page to see if I was “single”. I stupidly thought she was just really excited about this project on Russian foreign policy.