Giving children access to phones, smartphones, texting, etc

[sixeyes]

I have a 13 yo son (our oldest) who currently does not have a phone of his own, nor any other electronic devices which have internet capability. We do have several computers, a family playstation, family ipad, and a number of family ipods which we allow our children to use in the home. They are only allowed to use anything that is connected to the internet when they are in common areas of the house, and during the week (M-Th) the only electronics they are allowed to use are the computer (if needed for homework) and ipods (for listening to music). To date, we don’t believe he has needed a phone because he is never in a situation where there is no adult supervision (and, hence, an adult with a phone he can use if need be) except occasionally at home, where he can use our land line. We talk about after-school practices, who will pick him up and when, etc. so that he does not need to call us for rides.

My 13 yo’s school classmates all (literally-all of them) have phones, most of them smartphones, and many of them have other personal electronic devices at their disposal or in their rooms as well. The primary means of communication between these teens is texting- something my kid is feeling left out of because he doesn’t have a phone. I think it’s stupid that these kids don’t seem to be able to pick up a phone and use it to actually TALK to each other, but that apparently is not the way most kids communicate these days. I know that at some point, when he starts driving if not before, he will need access to a cell phone. I don’t want to be a prude, and I am not opposed to texting per se, what I am worried about is the constant need for access to each other that I see developing in these kids.

So my question is: when did you allow your child to have a phone and/or other internet-enabled device and what restrictions do you put on it?

 

[Orogeny]

So my question is: when did you allow your child to have a phone and/or other internet-enabled device and what restrictions do you put on it?

First off, I want to congratulate you. I think that you are absolutely doing the right thing.

My oldest son got his first phone when he was 18 and working so that he could pay for it himself. It was not a smartphone (this was 9 years ago). My youngest son got his first phone when he was 16. It was also not a smart phone.

We have had the internet since about 1994 or so. Neither son had a computer of their own and had to use the family computer. It was not in a common area, but the rules included no internet when at least one of us (wife and I) were at home and the door could never be closed.

Peace

Tim

 

[EasterJoy]

Our kids got phones just recently, as they are starting high school. Before that, they did not have phones and I didn’t have a phone I could use for text messages, either. It has been very handy, just sending little messages about whether I’ll be late to pick them up or if they need time to see a teacher after school. They also use them at the high school after school to send messages when they’re trying to find each other or their friends on opposite sides of the building. It doesn’t seem to have affected how much they literally talk to their friends. They have smart phones for the same reason I do: when you’re out somewhere and you could profit from MapQuest or need some other local information or a coupon or something else on the internet, it comes in very handy. We used to have paper maps and encyclopedias and phone books and hard copies of other reference books, but now we have the internet.

They have never had video games or Xboxes or the like, but their grandmother bought them desktop computers for homework when they hit middle school, and it was a very good thing. They simply spent more time writing when no one was breathing down their neck to get on the computer (which I see as a good thing, since keyboarding skills are no longer optional in those bound for higher education), and they liked working on homework simultaneously so they could do things together when the homework is done. We also just allowed them to move their study area out of the family room and into what is going to become a downstairs office, where I will also have my desk. IOW, they’re going to have somewhat unsupervised internet access, but not in total privacy.

They don’t pay for any of it, so they’ve been given to know that while we have no interest to read all their texts or e-mails, they have no “right to privacy.” It’s our job to supervise what they’re up to, and we’re going to do it as needed. In effect, then, their phones are still “family” phones and their computers are “family” computers. Their own attitude is that Facebook and so on is a massive waste of time, but they do like the internet for checking box scores.

Text messages make noise when your phone receives them, so our policy is most of the time they ought not be sent too early or too late in the day and not when they know someone is (or ought to be) busy. You don’t bring your phone to the table unless you are on call. For instance, if our kids were expecting a conference call for doing homework, which they do have these days, that would be an acceptable reason to have a phone on at the table, but that hasn’t happened yet. Their dad actually is on call most of the time, so they know from him how phone use is done politely when it has to be included at the table at all. (Excuse yourself so everyone else can resume their conversations, and get back soon.)

BTW, just to clarify: When you say your child can borrow someone else’s phone, I assume you do not foresee that happening often at all. Once your child is at an age where he will be out and about on his own, it is not polite to assume that your child can just borrow someone else’s cell phone any time that they need it, unless of course either the need is rare or else you simply do not have the means to provide one. Of course people who have phones should share them with someone else who can’t afford one or who forgot theirs, of course none of us expect our friends to pay for a cell phone they rarely use because we can’t be put out once in a great while, but it is an imposition to expect someone else to regularly provide phone service for you when you have the means to provide your own but don’t want to. It’s like bumming rides from the carpool and never offering to drive yourself. If you can afford it but *won’t *pay for it, that is fine, too, as long as you don’t mind walking your talk by acting as you would in the old days, when no one had a phone and somehow everyone survived. That is a viable (and polite) option, too.

 

[Kamaduck]

I’m seventeen, and I just got a cell phone a few months ago. My grandparents insisted that I needed one, since I’m driving now and have a terrible sense of direction. I think that any kid who can drive should also have a way of communicating, since otherwise, they could get into trouble and not be able to contact an adult. That said, I don’t use the phone for anything other than contacting my family (It’s not even close to a smartphone- I’m pretty sure all it does is call people, and maybe text) . My friends and I all use iMessage, since everyone at our school has been required to have an iPad since the beginning of last year. We still talk in person, but we also send messages when not in school.

I wasn’t allowed to use the internet whenever I wanted until I was about the same age as the OP’s son. Since I never abused the priviledge, I have been allowed complete internet access throughout high school. At this point, since my iPad is needed for school, none of the adults in my life could stop me from accessing the internet even if they wanted to (although none of them do). As teens enter high school, communication becomes very important, and parents are eventually unable to stop kids from accessing whatever they want. At some point, you just have to trust their judgement, especially if they do their best not to break your rules.

Basically: he doesn’t need access to a phone or to the internet now, but he’ll probably need it by the time he starts driving, if not by the beginning of high school.

 

[Cath4life]

I have 3 children. When my daughter was in her teens (she is now 22) she wanted a phone and I told her that as long as she kept her grades up and chores, she could definitely have one. This was before the smartphone era. However, she would have to pay for it all herself. The phone and the monthly plan. She refused.

My son who is almost 18 this year does NOT have a phone. He is not allowed to drive due to the high price of insurance. He doesn’t need it. Out of all his friends, he is the only one that doesn’t have one. He is used to it and knows that he can get one anytime as long as he pays for it entirely. He choses not to pay for it

My 11 year old would love to have one, but she is too young and she doesn’t NEED it. When the time comes, I will repeat my stance on it. NO REGRETS!!!

Hope you can continue to hold your ground. It sounds like he doesn’t NEED it

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m seventeen, and I just got a cell phone a few months ago. My grandparents insisted that I needed one, since I’m driving now and have a terrible sense of direction. I think that any kid who can drive should also have a way of communicating, since otherwise, they could get into trouble and not be able to contact an adult. That said, I don’t use the phone for anything other than contacting my family (It’s not even close to a smartphone- I’m pretty sure all it does is call people, and maybe text) . My friends and I all use iMessage, since everyone at our school has been required to have an iPad since the beginning of last year. We still talk in person, but we also send messages when not in school.

I wasn’t allowed to use the internet whenever I wanted until I was about the same age as the OP’s son. Since I never abused the priviledge, I have been allowed complete internet access throughout high school. At this point, since my iPad is needed for school, none of the adults in my life could stop me from accessing the internet even if they wanted to (although none of them do). As teens enter high school, communication becomes very important, and parents are eventually unable to stop kids from accessing whatever they want. At some point, you just have to trust their judgement, especially if they do their best not to break your rules.

Basically: he doesn’t need access to a phone or to the internet now, but he’ll probably need it by the time he starts driving, if not by the beginning of high school.

Yes, because they’ve pulled out all the pay phones. You have to be a dinosaur to remember what a pay phone was, and that was the way we used to communicate with our rescuers when we were stranded somewhere. Yes, people who drive need phones in the car now. When I go out without mine, my husband really gets on my case about it.

 

[on_the_hill]

We have three kids and two of them have phones.

My 15 year old daughter has a smartphone. Here’s how that started: she is very shy. We have been working her whole life to get her to interact with people. I can count on one hand the number of times she’s had a friend over to the house. She’s had phone calls from friends even less frequently than that. One time she was invited to a birthday party and I was forcing her to call the girl to accept the invitation. My daughter ended up in tears and never called. (so my wife did call for her).

Also, she’s been involved in sports since she was very young. Despite being on teams, she’s never come out of her shell.

Now–there are people who truly choose to be alone. She isn’t necessarily one of them. She’s a beautiful person, and a wonderful friend. She doesn’t necessarily like being sequestered, but she doesn’t have the forward motion to break out of her inertia.

So, we decided that a texting cell phone would be cheaper than therapy. And it has been. It opened up her social life. She still won’t talk on the phone unless she has to, but she will text her friends. She also has a Facebook account. Access to the digital world had been her only avenue to social interaction. She does, at this point, spend time with friends in real life situations.

My younger daughter (age 11) is a social butterfly. The complete opposite of her older sister. She has a phone because of sports practices. It’s an insurance policy. She rarely, rarely uses it, which is ironic considering her social life. She doesn’t spend a moment alone. But it’s all face to face with her.

Our youngest, a boy, 8, does not have a phone.

All three use the Internet. The girls pretty much have to use it to do homework and turn in many of their homework assignments.

My son uses it to play games. Mostly puzzle games. At the moment he’s all about Minecraft. We do monitor.

We do not own any sort of gaming system. I haven’t had one myself since Pong.

 

[St_Francis]

I just wanted to say I remember kids spending hours on the phone back in the 1070s when I was in high school… so the need for coninual contact is not really new

Looking back, I think that teens just don’t really trust that the future will come around and they will get the chance to have/continue the conversation…

 

[EasterJoy]

I just wanted to say I remember kids spending hours on the phone back in the 1070s when I was in high school… so the need for coninual contact is not really new

Looking back, I think that teens just don’t really trust that the future will come around and they will get the chance to have/continue the conversation…

Oh, yes. Back in the days when there was only one household phone, this was a major source of strife between teens and their parents!

 

[Orogeny]

I just wanted to say I remember kids spending hours on the phone back in the 1070s when I was in high school…

WOW, you had a phone back then? You are MUCH older than I am!

Peace

Tim

 

[Phalanx]

Without my phone my social life would slowly but surely wither and die

If im on my way somewhere and my phone battery dies… :bigyikes: I might aswell go back home because the whole day is ruined hahah… think of the calls and texts i will miss. What if the people Im meeting have decided to met up elsewhere? Or something urgent has popped up…

I’d say every 12 year old SHOULD have a phone. It doesn’t have to be a smartphone but come on. Being able to get in touch with one another wherever we are is like the most perfect invention

 

[maryjk]

Oh, yes. Back in the days when there was only one household phone, this was a major source of strife between teens and their parents!

I remember getting a second line at our house.

One for my parents and one for my sister. My sister paid for the second line, installation and all.

 

[Cat]

Oh, yes. Back in the days when there was only one household phone, this was a major source of strife between teens and their parents!

Absolutely. I was always on the phone–drove my mom nuts. I was a teen between 1970-1978. (I’m a 56-year-old mother of two grown daughters.)

In fact, if you read teen literature written in the 1950s, they were the same way about phone usage

OP, since you asked, I will answer, and I hope you will think over my words.

I honestly think you’re choosing the wrong battle.

You’re turning a simple phone, a communication device, into some kind of valuable treasure for your son. You’re making a family conflict out of something harmless. You’re turning an old teenage custom (extreme phone use) into a societal evil and giving it much more power than it has.

Just because you don’t like something, you’re sticking in the mud and denying your teenager something that almost everyone, even NUNS, have. (Did you see that Oprah episode featuring the Domican sisters in Michigan? The Mother Superior said that she was never without…her Blackberry!)

Your teenager isn’t asking for something evil. He just wants to live in THIS time period, not in your teenaged time period.

I work in a hospital lab, and plenty of our new employees are young 20-somethings who grew up using cell phones, texting, Facebook, other online tools, etc. They are great young people, and wonderful lab techs who are friendly and have good communication skills. They’re actually better on the phone than I am, since they are so comfortable talking on the phone. I think they have great social skills.

A few weeks ago, my younger daughter and I met in NYC to see my older daughter’s play. We spent four days in the city, and thank GOODNESS for my daughter’s iPhone. It was wonderful! She would look up landmarks, directions, subway schedules, theater schedules, history, names of people, information about our hometown news and weather, airline information (we checked in to our flights using her iPhone–wow!), etc. I do not have an iPhone, but after spending several days with her, I can certainly see the great value of such a fantastic and useful information device. You literally have the world at your fingertips. Without the iPhone, you’re kind of stuck in the Old Days. It’s like living on the Starship Enterprise! Wonderful, wonderful modern times! Praise God for them!

On the other hand, we also met up with my childhood best friend, and she didn’t even have a simple cell phone. At one point, we arranged to meet her at a store on Times Square. My younger daughter was a in near-panic wondering how it would ever work out that we would meet her without having a cell phone to confirm times of arrival, etc. But we met each other just fine. It was kind of funny–my younger daughter was quite surprised that it all worked out. HOWEVER…my friend and I grew up without cell phones, and so the “old tricks” were still in our bag! We knew how to live without cell phones because we didn’t have them growing up. But my daughter has never been without a cell phone–there’s no reason for her and the younger generation to be without one.

It’s just a generational thing. No sin or evil or societal degradation–it’s just different than what we all grew up with.

Using modern communication skills will not turn your son or anyone into an anti-social person who “needs” their friends too much . Teens have ALWAYS “needed” their friends–don’t you remember your own teen years when your friends meant the world to you?

So my advice is, Stop making such a big deal out of this. Just buy him the phone without any fuss, and without making him pay for it. You don’t make him pay for his rides to school in a modern car/bus, do you? This is just everyday life. A cell phone/iPhone is a useful tool, and someday, it might save his life.

I wish so much that these phones would have existed when I was a teenager. I would have loved them so much!!

 

[Mimi20]

I’ve seen kids younger than 13 with smartphones… Now I’m a young adult but to me, that looks ridiculous! A 13 y.o. has no need for a smart phone! Or anyone under working/driving age for that matter.

That being said my parents paid for my first phone and it was on a basic call/text plan. They bought it for me to be able to have on me when I was able to drive. I was responsible and careful not to go over my limit.
If there was any way I was going to have a smartphone it was going to be on my own.
I was slightly dizzy when I walked out of the store with my first smartphone.
As for other electronics, I’ve had my own PC since I was 13 and an ipod shuffle sometime before then. It was the first generation, the kind that look like a USB stick now.

 

[on_the_hill]

Even the Amish have cell phones.

 

[Cat]

I’ve seen kids younger than 13 with smartphones… Now I’m a young adult but to me, that looks ridiculous! A 13 y.o. has no need for a smart phone! Or anyone under working/driving age for that matter.

That being said my parents paid for my first phone and it was on a basic call/text plan. They bought it for me to be able to have on me when I was able to drive. I was responsible and careful not to go over my limit.
If there was any way I was going to have a smartphone it was going to be on my own.
I was slightly dizzy when I walked out of the store with my first smartphone.
As for other electronics, I’ve had my own PC since I was 13 and an ipod shuffle sometime before then. It was the first generation, the kind that look like a USB stick now.

How can you decide what a 13 y.o. “needs?” How do you know their situations?

My daughters were (and still are) figure skaters from the time they were toddlers. Cell phones were extremely useful for us back then.

Texting had not been invented yet in the early 2000s when they were still in high school competing. (Isn’t that amazing–texting is that new!)

My younger daughter coaches figure skating (team skating), and texting is literally a God-send for this sport.

Many of the competitions are held in large arenas with several ice surfaces and multiple locker rooms, waiting areas, coffee shops, shops, and recreational areas (games, vending, etc.)

Everyone stays in hotels, which are also large and full of many areas.

The skaters, parents, and coaches text constantly while at competitions. In the past, back when my kids competed, it was always nerve-racking for us to try to keep track of the kids, and for them to keep track of us. Yes, there were (and still are) rules to keep skaters safe. But it’s still confusing when there are thousands of skaters wandering around, and even more parents, coaches, officials, fans, etc. in the buildings.

You can see why I say that texting is a God-send! It makes the competitions much more fun for all.

Skating competitions include very young skaters, so I would say that a cell phone/texting is useful even for 6-year olds. Especially for 6-year olds who have a tendency to gawk at other skaters and then find themselves separated from their families and teams. No scary problem–just text.

As for the other function of a smart phone–they’re WONDERFUL at competitions, trips, etc.! At skating competitions, the results are posted in the hallway on old-fashioned paper , but it’s hard for a thousand people to stand in the hallway and write it all down. Results are also posted online, and THAT’S how many of the skaters, coaches, parents, and fans study the protocols (the scoring breakdown) and analyze the competition.

Also, skaters/coaches/parents check scores of other competitions that are going on around the country. That’s important information.

And they check the judges’ names and bios. And the other skaters/teams websites. And coach bios. And they have apps that allow them to learn what the name of the music is that another skater is using. And they make friends at competitions and add those friends to their Facebook friends. And they check out restaurants and make reservations for the skaters and teams. And they check out the scores from the high school basketball games that they are missing because they are at a skating competition. And…the list goes on. It’s amazing how many things you can do with a smartphone. Like I said earlier, it’s like living on the Starship Enterprise!

Each 13 y.o. is different, but there are no doubt lots of reasons why they could make good use of a smart phone. I think it should be up to each family to make the determination whether a smartphone or cellphone is useful for their children.

 

[maryjk]

I honestly think you’re choosing the wrong battle.

You’re turning a simple phone, a communication device, into some kind of valuable treasure for your son. You’re making a family conflict out of something harmless. You’re turning an old teenage custom (extreme phone use) into a societal evil and giving it much more power than it has.

Just because you don’t like something, you’re sticking in the mud and denying your teenager something that almost everyone, even NUNS, have. (Did you see that Oprah episode featuring the Domican sisters in Michigan? The Mother Superior said that she was never without…her Blackberry!)

Your teenager isn’t asking for something evil. He just wants to live in THIS time period, not in your teenaged time period.

I agree.

As the mom of an electronically connected teen, I have taken some heat. See, I also home schooled my child.

And among the home schooling community? Cell phones and electronics are basically evil. My friends couldn’t believe I allowed my son to have a game system. Or a portable game.

Text messages weren’t that big when my son was younger. I was more in the majority by not allowing him to text. And that was just 5 years ago.

Now, I think 13 year old kids NEED to be monitored. They don’t have the maturity to have that type of permanent communication available to them, without an adult supervising. At that age they don’t realize that if they take a picture and send it, it is out there forever. And if they post, on facebook, something mean, it is there for all to see. You just need to read the news to see how many teens have not used their options wisely.

 

[Mimi20]

How can you decide what a 13 y.o. “needs?” How do you know their situations?
…
I think it should be up to each family to make the determination whether a smartphone or cellphone is useful for their children.

I don’t claim to know outright every child’s life situation etc. You summed it up best, a cellphone is useful; I don’t contest that in the slightest. It’s an exceptional tool to be in communication with the world, but that’s how I see it. It’s a tool.
Not a, “I’ll die if I don’t have my cell phone on me or communication with other people within the next 48-72 hours like food or water need.”
Simply put there are indeed exceptions to anyone at any age having a use for a cellphone, but in general the vast majority of children aren’t in any genuine need for of all things a smartphone.

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t claim to know outright every child’s life situation etc. You summed it up best, a cellphone is useful; I don’t contest that in the slightest. It’s an exceptional tool to be in communication with the world, but that’s how I see it. It’s a tool.
Not a, “I’ll die if I don’t have my cell phone on me or communication with other people within the next 48-72 hours like food or water need.”

Simply put there are indeed exceptions to anyone at any age having a use for a cellphone, but in general the vast majority of children aren’t in any genuine need for of all things a smartphone.

Yes. If your 12 yo takes public transportation by himself or herself or goes out in public without you or an adult chaperone, it would be wise to equip him or her with a phone for that, since there are no pay phones. When a child out in public alone needs a cell phone, that kid needs a cell phone.

I resisted a phone upgrade for a long time, but it finally got to the point where I was being difficult for other parents to contact–if you aren’t in the dark ages, the coach can send you all a text message simultaneously, instead of calling parents individually for players without their own phone–and I kept having situations where I could have really used internet access: for instance, I got lost, found myself somewhere I didn’t know without any idea what restaurants or businesses were nearby, and so on. So while I got by without a text-capable or internet-capable phone, and therefore can’t call it a need to have one, it has had more than entertainment value to have one.

It does depend on your child’s maturity level, too. There are some people (children included) that should not be allowed to possess a camera so small it can be used to take pictures surreptitiously. Some of those (children included) ought to have black nail polish painted over the lens on their phone’s camera!!

 

[_Jenn]

My 11 yr old has a smartphone. Got it about 2 months before he turned 11. Why? Because my dh & I were upgrading ours, prices were right, & I’d rather him have one that we can teach him to use responsibly. It doesn’t go to school with him. If we go on vacation, or he goes to a friend’s, just out for the day, etc…he can take it. He is responsible for knowing where it is, keeping it charged, etc. he knows that he can only download free apps, & that all apps must be approved visually by dh or myself. Only limited friends have his number, family has it as well. He may not delete texts, only I can. He knows that I can grab the phone at any time to check his activity. He also has an iPod shuffle, but will be getting a touch from his grandparents for Christmas. Same rules apply, minus songs off iTunes. That, he is free to choose himself so long as he has he money for it (via gift cards given to him). He also has a camera.

I’d much rather him have these things when I have more control to teach him the proper ways to use & share. No social media for him yet, I have told him that if facebooks rule is 13, then he will wait. He isn’t thrilled with it, but accepts it without complaints.