Giving children access to phones, smartphones, texting, etc

[Cat]

My 11 yr old has a smartphone. Got it about 2 months before he turned 11. Why? Because my dh & I were upgrading ours, prices were right, & I’d rather him have one that we can teach him to use responsibly. It doesn’t go to school with him. If we go on vacation, or he goes to a friend’s, just out for the day, etc…he can take it. He is responsible for knowing where it is, keeping it charged, etc. he knows that he can only download free apps, & that all apps must be approved visually by dh or myself. Only limited friends have his number, family has it as well. He may not delete texts, only I can. He knows that I can grab the phone at any time to check his activity. He also has an iPod shuffle, but will be getting a touch from his grandparents for Christmas. Same rules apply, minus songs off iTunes. That, he is free to choose himself so long as he has he money for it (via gift cards given to him). He also has a camera.

I’d much rather him have these things when I have more control to teach him the proper ways to use & share. No social media for him yet, I have told him that if facebooks rule is 13, then he will wait. He isn’t thrilled with it, but accepts it without complaints.

An excellent point. If you wait until the child is 16 or older before allowing them to use a smartphone, you have essentially given up any control over how they use the smartphone. Yes, yes, of course you can say that you still control him, but you really don’t, because a 16-year-old is not constantly under your supervision. They have a lot of “away from parents” time because of their age and situation. Even a home-schooled older teen is often away from parents doing independent study, research projects, field trips, sports, arts, and religious events with other homeschoolers, etc.

But a younger child IS generally under parental supervision, and it’s much easier to curtail any “away from parents” time if necessary. Also, the younger child is generally not “hormonal”, so they don’t usually have that “independent spirit” (also known as normal teen rebellion).

So it’s easier to train a younger child how to use his/her smartphone responsibility, and instill good values into them.

This principle is generally true in many situations. The younger the child, the easier it is to train them.

I am a little surprised, though, Jenn, that you don’t allow Facebook. I can see why you would have to limit the time spent, because it can become a sinkhole for wasting time. Also, I can see why you don’t want an 11-year-old on Facebook unsupervised, because it’s so easy for the child to get into trouble saying something that they should have kept to themselves, or someone else will say something to them that should have been kept quiet. I guess what I’m thinking is to allow a child to have a Facebook page so that they can begin the process of learning to communicate through it, but only with supervision, and ONLY for a few minutes a day, and mainly for “training” purposes.

But, from what everyone tells me, Facebook will be gone in few more years! So you’re probably right!

 

[Cat]

I wanted to make this a separate post because it’s a separate point.

If your child is leaning towards some kind of artistic career, it is essential that they learn from an early age how to use all the social media available, and that they be “connected” to the world around them.

This is how career artists (musicians, actors, techies, writers, visual artists, dancers, etc.) find work. It’s also how they stay informed and educated.

If they are not connected, in all likelihood, they will not find work, other than waiting tables.

Artistic careers aren’t like the “traditional” careers where you send a resume, get a call, set up an interview, do the interview, and hopefully, get an offer.

Finding work in the arts is all about WHO you know. And the way you get to know people is online.

So IMO, if you have one of those children who appears to be headed towards an arts career, then do not wait to help them to “get connected.” Train them from an early age. And the older they get, the more they will “check in” to their contacts. Don’t be surprised, and don’t be too upset about it. Just remember, it’s their lifeline to work.

 

[Kamaduck]

I wanted to make this a separate post because it’s a separate point.

If your child is leaning towards some kind of artistic career, it is essential that they learn from an early age how to use all the social media available, and that they be “connected” to the world around them.

This is how career artists (musicians, actors, techies, writers, visual artists, dancers, etc.) find work. It’s also how they stay informed and educated.

If they are not connected, in all likelihood, they will not find work, other than waiting tables.

Artistic careers aren’t like the “traditional” careers where you send a resume, get a call, set up an interview, do the interview, and hopefully, get an offer.

Finding work in the arts is all about WHO you know. And the way you get to know people is online.

So IMO, if you have one of those children who appears to be headed towards an arts career, then do not wait to help them to “get connected.” Train them from an early age. And the older they get, the more they will “check in” to their contacts. Don’t be surprised, and don’t be too upset about it. Just remember, it’s their lifeline to work.

Well.

Looks like I better learn how to use this ‘social media’ thing pretty soon.

 

[Iheartcoffee]

I didn’t get a phone until I started driving. I work in pediatrics, and I can’t tell you how many young children have their own phones now. It’s amazing. Nevertheless, I really think it depends on the family dynamics and the cost of the phones.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I’m going to say something sort of strong and blunt. So prepare yourself to pelt me with things.

I was a teenage boy once. To external appearances, I was well behaved, thoughtful, and virtuous. That said, if I had had a smartphone, I would have used it to look at porn. Often. Very often. And only in very private situations, of course, where my parents wouldn’t have a clue. Moreover, I would have done this even if I didn’t have any friends who I knew about who looked at porn. These are all simply facts.

Any teenage boy who is not a complete idiot knows how to use a smartphone to look at porn, while leaving no traces of his activity. These phones have web browsers with “privacy mode”, which sex addicts call “porn mode”. I am glad that not every teenager deals with the problems I have dealt with, but smartphones and Ipads *enable *these problems.

Would you buy your son copies of hardcore porn magazines, and keep them in a drawer in your house? I doubt it. But when you buy him a smartphone, you are doing just that. Until we have technology developed to keep these things safe from porn, such a purchase should be taken EXTREMELY seriously.

OK, I’m stepping off my soapbox now.

 

[_Jenn]

I am a little surprised, though, Jenn, that you don’t allow Facebook. I can see why you would have to limit the time spent, because it can become a sinkhole for wasting time. Also, I can see why you don’t want an 11-year-old on Facebook unsupervised, because it’s so easy for the child to get into trouble saying something that they should have kept to themselves, or someone else will say something to them that should have been kept quiet. I guess what I’m thinking is to allow a child to have a Facebook page so that they can begin the process of learning to communicate through it, but only with supervision, and ONLY for a few minutes a day, and mainly for “training” purposes.

But, from what everyone tells me, Facebook will be gone in few more years! So you’re probably right!

Just wanted to reply. Our (my husband & I) reasoning is this. Facebook’s rule is age 13. We teach our son to follow rules/guidelines. If we bend to this, which means having to lie about his age in order for him to have one, what would stop him from thinking “hey…mom & dad lied about my age for me once to get around a rule, so why not …(insert choice of poor decision here, be it fake ID, alcohol, etc)”.

 

[maryjk]

Just wanted to reply. Our (my husband & I) reasoning is this. Facebook’s rule is age 13. We teach our son to follow rules/guidelines. If we bend to this, which means having to lie about his age in order for him to have one, what would stop him from thinking “hey…mom & dad lied about my age for me once to get around a rule, so why not …(insert choice of poor decision here, be it fake ID, alcohol, etc)”.

I agree. No facebook before age 13.

I won’t accept a friend request from anyone that isn’t 13.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m going to say something sort of strong and blunt. So prepare yourself to pelt me with things.

I was a teenage boy once. To external appearances, I was well behaved, thoughtful, and virtuous. That said, if I had had a smartphone, I would have used it to look at porn. Often. Very often. And only in very private situations, of course, where my parents wouldn’t have a clue. Moreover, I would have done this even if I didn’t have any friends who I knew about who looked at porn. These are all simply facts.

Any teenage boy who is not a complete idiot knows how to use a smartphone to look at porn, while leaving no traces of his activity. These phones have web browsers with “privacy mode”, which sex addicts call “porn mode”. I am glad that not every teenager deals with the problems I have dealt with, but smartphones and Ipads *enable *these problems.

Would you buy your son copies of hardcore porn magazines, and keep them in a drawer in your house? I doubt it. But when you buy him a smartphone, you are doing just that. Until we have technology developed to keep these things safe from porn, such a purchase should be taken EXTREMELY seriously.

OK, I’m stepping off my soapbox now.

I will keep a watch out for this, but so far my sons don’t use their smartphones where I can’t see them. They still really are at the phase of being thrilled they can check the box scores for the Red Sox.

 

[Cat]

Just wanted to reply. Our (my husband & I) reasoning is this. Facebook’s rule is age 13. We teach our son to follow rules/guidelines. If we bend to this, which means having to lie about his age in order for him to have one, what would stop him from thinking “hey…mom & dad lied about my age for me once to get around a rule, so why not …(insert choice of poor decision here, be it fake ID, alcohol, etc)”.

Thanks for the information. I’m not involved with Facebook or any other social media other than a few online forums (dinosaurs), so I didn’t realize that kids weren’t allowed on Facebook. It seems that a lot of kids I know talk about Facebook, so maybe they are perusing their older siblings’ or friends’ pages.

Didn’t there used to be something online that younger kids could do that was similar to Facebook? Is it history now?

BTW, I should be on Facebook, Twitter, and all the rest, because I have novels to promote. But I’m too lazy to learn how, and I don’t really want to spend more time online. I’m already hanging around certain forums too much!

 

[Book_Worm]

When my DD began driving, back in the '90’s, my DH mentioned that he thought she should have a phone. They were fairly rare then, and I didn’t think it necessary, so I just considered it a passing comment. A week or so later he came home with brochures from the phone company. It was very unlike him to do something like this; normally he’d leave it up to me to do the research and ferret out the best alternative. It was an indication of how important he felt it was for her to have a phone, and if, as a police officer, he felt she should have one, I wasn’t about to argue and we got her one. At that time, neither of us had one. She never abused the privilege, and a few times she found herself lost in bad neighborhoods, and we blessed that phone. As we did the time she was driving home from out of state and had a car problem that left her stranded on an extremely busy interstate late at night.

If I had a middle-schooler today, I would make sure she had a phone, from a safety POV if no other.

 

[talmidim]

I had no idea that “Smart Phones” give kids access to raw sex and pornography! Guess I am telling my age…

I am a grand mother and just have a plain simple old phone, so I had no idea what these new phones can do. I discovered that you can protect your child’s smartphone in 4 easy steps. Did you know that nearly 1 in 5 searches made from mobile devices are for pornography. How are you keeping your kids safe? Every parent needs to monitor their kid’s web browsing.

Thee is a soft ware called Covenant Eyes Internet Accountability which monitors the websites your kids visit, rates them by age-appropriateness, and sends you a regular report of the websites and videos that were viewed with apps for the iPhone®, iPod touch®, iPad®, and Android™ phones and tablets are available for free as part of the membership. You can get free E books, videos, and other literature and talk with other parents on the following site: covenanteyes.com/mobile-kids/?promocode=trust

 

[Gordon_Sims]

We didn’t get our son a cell phone until he was over 18. Even then, we paid the extra $5/month to block all texting and internet. We also restricted the numbers he could call. Why? Because the first day he had it he spent over two hours on the phone with a coworker while he was at work and sent him nearly 200 texts. Adding restrictions to his phone was a lot better than him losing his job.

Our older daughters (10 & 11) feel they should have cell phones now. They’re always either with us, by a land line or with a trusted adult. They think it’s unfair that they’re just about the only kids in their class without a cell phone (most of the kids have smart phones). They also think it’s unfair that their cousin has a smart phone (unlimited phone, text and data) and they don’t. So far there haven’t been any sexting incidents at our daughters’ school this year. If that holds up, it will be the first time in the last 3-4 years. Their cousin’s class had an incident last year (9-10 year olds), and several incidents of kids looking at porn in class.

Once we do get phones for our girls, we’re hoping we can still find basic phones without cameras (they’re kind of scarce now). We’ll likely also block texting and internet access. Sure that will make us mean, horrible parents, but we’ve seen way too many problems with other kids and parents we know.

 

[HouseArrest]

My 11 yr old has a smartphone. Got it about 2 months before he turned 11. Why? Because my dh & I were upgrading ours, prices were right, & I’d rather him have one that we can teach him to use responsibly. It doesn’t go to school with him. If we go on vacation, or he goes to a friend’s, just out for the day, etc…he can take it. He is responsible for knowing where it is, keeping it charged, etc. he knows that he can only download free apps, & that all apps must be approved visually by dh or myself. Only limited friends have his number, family has it as well. He may not delete texts, only I can. He knows that I can grab the phone at any time to check his activity. He also has an iPod shuffle, but will be getting a touch from his grandparents for Christmas. Same rules apply, minus songs off iTunes. That, he is free to choose himself so long as he has he money for it (via gift cards given to him). He also has a camera.

I’d much rather him have these things when I have more control to teach him the proper ways to use & share. No social media for him yet, I have told him that if facebooks rule is 13, then he will wait. He isn’t thrilled with it, but accepts it without complaints.

Can you tell if he has deleted texts without your permission?

 

[HouseArrest]

I’m going to say something sort of strong and blunt. So prepare yourself to pelt me with things.

I was a teenage boy once. To external appearances, I was well behaved, thoughtful, and virtuous. That said, if I had had a smartphone, I would have used it to look at porn. Often. Very often. And only in very private situations, of course, where my parents wouldn’t have a clue. Moreover, I would have done this even if I didn’t have any friends who I knew about who looked at porn. These are all simply facts.

Any teenage boy who is not a complete idiot knows how to use a smartphone to look at porn, while leaving no traces of his activity. These phones have web browsers with “privacy mode”, which sex addicts call “porn mode”. I am glad that not every teenager deals with the problems I have dealt with, but smartphones and Ipads *enable *these problems.

Would you buy your son copies of hardcore porn magazines, and keep them in a drawer in your house? I doubt it. But when you buy him a smartphone, you are doing just that. Until we have technology developed to keep these things safe from porn, such a purchase should be taken EXTREMELY seriously.

OK, I’m stepping off my soapbox now.

My two oldest, high school aged kids, have regular phones, and not smart phones, for just this reason. There is no sense in dangling carrots in front of bunnies, and being surprised when they eat them.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

My two oldest, high school aged kids, have regular phones, and not smart phones, for just this reason. There is no sense in dangling carrots in front of bunnies, and being surprised when they eat them.

Moreover, you won’t even know IF they have eaten them. Kids don’t often tell parents about this stuff.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Not letting teens own a phone these days is like not letting them go to the arcade or the mall in the 80’s, or not letting them go to the roller-rink in the 70’s, etc.

There’s a whole lot of talk here about the potential dangers and rightfully so, but hardly anyone seems to have mentioned the potential downsides of isolating teens in such a way. I think that both sides need to be given fair consideration.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Not letting teens own a phone these days is like not letting them go to the arcade or the mall in the 80’s, or not letting them go to the roller-rink in the 70’s, etc.

There’s a whole lot of talk here about the potential dangers and rightfully so, but hardly anyone seems to have mentioned the potential downsides of isolating teens in such a way. I think that both sides need to be given fair consideration.

There are phones that text, but don’t get high speed internet.

Also, have you considered the expense of phones? It is a small fortune to pay a smartphone contract. What real benefits does a child have from having a smart phone instead of a dumb phone? What good things can be done on a smartphone that can’t be done on a dumbphone or a computer? (Note: Computers can be filtered and monitored; smartphones can’t.)

 

[marymary1975]

I am having a similar situation to the OP, my daughter wants an IPhone because all her friends and all kids at school have a smartphone, twitter accounts, Facebook, you tube account and she doesn’t, she is only allowed on the internet in the family room and under my guidance but she is angry because she is the only kid without a smartphone and without Facebook and twitter. The difference is that in my case these are 9 and 10 years old. When my daughter was eight all the kids in her class had smartphones and my daughter said they were all on Facebook and surfing the internet while the teacher was talking. The following year the school banneded cell phones.precisely because of this problem. I don’t see why an eight year old should be at school with a smartphone (little less when instead of listening to the teacher they are surfing the internet) so I am totally against buying her an Iphone. She is still at an age where wherever she goes she is with an adult so I don’t see the need. I am thinking that at 13 I can give her a phone if needed (with no internet, just calls and text) but I don’t think kids that young should have smartphones and have unsupervised access to internet. The minimum age supposedly for Facebook is 13 but I know several kids who have Facebook and they are 7 or 8 and all they do is giving a fake birth date and some parents don’t even know. My daughter came home.one day knowing how to open a you tube account (several of the other kids have you tube accounts and when you have a you tube account you can access porn videos) all you have to do is put a fake birth date and confirm you are over 18 and bingo, a minor in you tube with full access to everything. To me that is too dangerous and opens a door for trouble so I am against all that unless there is an actual need and I am sure she is responsible enough to handle it the right way.

 

[marymary1975]

No social media for him yet, I have told him that if facebooks rule is 13, then he will wait. He isn’t thrilled with it, but accepts it without complaints.

I.would.say be careful with social.media and his friends/peers. I know 8 year old.kids who have opened Facebook accounts for friends giving fake birth dates behind the parents back and when they go to the friend’s house they open the account. Don’t trust the Facebook age limit and don’t trust that you can check the activity on the phone as what some of these kids know is scary. Make sure he fully understands why he shouldn’t be in social media and that he is very aware of all the dangers of social media, so he doesn’t have it not only because you don’t allow.it but because he doesn’t want to have it.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I am having a similar situation to the OP, my daughter wants an IPhone because all her friends and all kids at school have a smartphone, twitter accounts, Facebook, you tube account and she doesn’t, she is only allowed on the internet in the family room and under my guidance but she is angry because she is the only kid without a smartphone and without Facebook and twitter. The difference is that in my case these are 9 and 10 years old. When my daughter was eight all the kids in her class had smartphones and my daughter said they were all on Facebook and surfing the internet while the teacher was talking. The following year the school banneded cell phones.precisely because of this problem. I don’t see why an eight year old should be at school with a smartphone (little less when instead of listening to the teacher they are surfing the internet) so I am totally against buying her an Iphone. She is still at an age where wherever she goes she is with an adult so I don’t see the need. I am thinking that at 13 I can give her a phone if needed (with no internet, just calls and text) but I don’t think kids that young should have smartphones and have unsupervised access to internet. The minimum age supposedly for Facebook is 13 but I know several kids who have Facebook and they are 7 or 8 and all they do is giving a fake birth date and some parents don’t even know. My daughter came home.one day knowing how to open a you tube account (several of the other kids have you tube accounts and when you have a you tube account you can access porn videos) all you have to do is put a fake birth date and confirm you are over 18 and bingo, a minor in you tube with full access to everything. To me that is too dangerous and opens a door for trouble so I am against all that unless there is an actual need and I am sure she is responsible enough to handle it the right way.

We have the same argument, if not every week then every other week. Our girls’ school hasn’t banned phones, but they do ban them in class. Even still, kids get them taken from them regularly while detentions and in-school suspensions for repeat offenders are doled out pretty regularly. With all their safeguards in place, we’ve still had sexting issues at their school and there are several porn busts per year. I think too many parents believe that, just because Johnny down the street has one, their kid has to have one as well.

As far as underage Facebook accounts go, all but one of my friends who allowed their kids to get a Facebook account before they were 13 has now banned them from having one until they’re 18.