Giving in to despair and sin

[snarf137]

Hello,
I am currently going through what I can only call a state of deep despair in my faith. I feel lost and confused, and I need someone to talk to. I was raised Catholic, but never truly believed until several years ago when Pope Francis was elected and I began to research the faith more seriously. Since then, I have had many ups and downs. I love Jesus but I am constantly wracked by anxiety related to sin. I am also gay (same sex attraction), although that is unrelated to my current predicament, although it has sometimes caused me massive amounts of anxiety and loneliness. There is one sin in particular I continue to struggle with, which is pornography and masturbation.

I started masturbating around age 12, and several years later began viewing pornography on the internet. Since then, it has become an almost daily compulsion. I even started engaging in fornication with strangers as my thoughts became more and more sinful and disordered. After regular confession and reception of the eucharist, it felt like I was making progress. I viewed porn less, and never met anyone else for such liaisons. However, especially in periods of high stress or depression, I find myself coming back to old habits. Recently, I went to confession to confess looking at pornography. I believe I was sincere in wanting to be close to God and rid of this sin. However, after feeling anxious all day today I once again found myself looking at porn (one day after confession!). I feel so utterly defeated, like I will never even have the power to confess my sins sincerely. If I was sincere, surely I would not have mortally sinned the next day? I feel in a constant state of moral sin. I feel like I will be killed any second by God and will go straight to hell and I have no hope. I also long to eat the eucharist but I was told by a priest to not go to reconcilation more than once per week ( I was going every few days), which leaves me confused and sometimes I go for weeks without the eucharist because even after confession I find myself sinning a few days later.

I am sorry for this massive rant. I just need some answers from my brothers and sisters on how I should address this situation. I feel so very very weak and hopeless. Sometimes when I read the Bible I find that my faith is slipping away, especially in the stories of the Old Testament where God punishes evil doers. I cannot help but feel that God loves me but I have so thoroughly destroyed my brain and disposition that I will never be able to live a good life and will live permanently cut off from Him. I constantly worry that if I were to die now in my state of mortal sin, the church teaches I will go to hell. I am petrified with despair.

 

[petra22]

I can feel you are overloaded with guilt and remorse. All I can offer is advice to get back up as soon as you fall. Try try again. God will forgive you. Keep strongly avoiding what is causing you to fall. Try to go running or exercising and pray, pray the rosary… Even the Hail Mary.

I will be praying for you.

Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy.
Lord, have mercy.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou amoung women
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners, NOW and AT THE HOUR of OUR DEATH. Amen.

St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle.
Be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray and do thou, Oh Prince Of the Heavenly Host,
By the power of God, cast into hell Satan and all the evil spirits who prowl
About the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.

 

[TheLittleLady]

There are practical things. I’m guessing that you only view porn when you are alone, so, try to limit your alone time. If you live alone, spend the evening in a coffee shop or a library with a book, go to the gym, volunteer, stay very busy.

Limit or remove your internet access, trade down to a “dumb phone”.

Do you have a good male role model? Dad, uncle, grandfather, godfather who practices the Faith? Join the men’s group at your parish or the Knights of Columbus to meet men who are practicing the Faith.

Join a Courage support group.

Fast.

 

[goodcatholic]

If I was sincere, surely I would not have mortally sinned the next day?

Welcome to the human race. Many of us are fakes. We mean well but our actions often contradict our intentions. As Saint Paul said “why do I do the very thing I hate?”
Best not to have perfectionist attitude, is my advice. Reduce the sins. Then if you manage that, minimise them. Of course ideally, we would stop sinning altogether. But I don’t think God wants us to lose hope if we don’t reach sainthood… When we fall, just get up again, dust ourselves off and start again. That’s all any of us can do. Just don’t give up.
I think the better relationship we have with God, the less we will sin. Not because we have a more legalistic approach, but because we just don’t want to offend our divine saviour, the source of all goodness and love.

 

[Erikaspirit16]

I began to research the faith more seriously.

Research some more. You can’t commit a mortal sin without free assent of your will. So tell me, exactly how “free” do you feel you are? One of the reasons you ask God to “lead us not into temptation” is that once you begin a particular sin, you make it harder to avoid that sin. Habits are hard to break. The desire for sex is hard wired into your brain. To overcome all this would take a tremendous effort of will. That’s not to say it’s impossible; it’s just very difficult.

This is why only God can judge you–only God can perfectly understand the levels of temptation you face.

We all have weak spots. Some people can’t stay away from alcohol. For me, I can take it or leave it. I can go months without drinking anything alcoholic, and I don’t give it a second thought. But for some people, it would be on their minds throughout the day. Getting through one day without taking a drink would be a major accomplishment. For me, it’s no accomplishment at all. I don’t care. So if I get drunk how serious is the sin vs. someone who craves alcohol getting drunk? Easy question. I have full control of my will in that situation, so I am guilty.

 

[SonofJoseph]

For what it is worth, op, what you are experiencing (deep despair/guilt) is normal after viewing pornography. It is a result of the brain chemistry. After viewing porn, your brain goes into a dopanine (the feel good chemical in the brain) craving and thinks pornography is the only way to get that dopanine high again. It is extremely tempting, but it is a cyclical pattern that is essentially the reason it is so addictive. Why am I explaining this? Because your will is impaired. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to overcome it, but at the least, you can understand part of what is happening internally with it. It makes it seem less impossible when you really understand what is happening. Without full consent of your will (which I know is kinda vague) the requirements for mortal sin cannot be fulfilled. So try to not despair. You seem to be sincerely trying. That is all Our Lord asks. He is perfectly patient with us and understands addictions do not go away overnight (what sinful habit does?). Try to prayerfully walk through this with God. He’s with you.

Same-sex attraction is a very heavy cross, and it is finding those healthy male relationships in life that will make it bearable. But first, the relationship with Christ must be there. And it must be strong, which takes a long of prayer and even asking over and over again for a long time for the grace to make your relationship with God strong.

I cannot overemphasize devotion to the Blessed Mother. I simply can’t. In my own struggles, it is She who has carried me through them, sometimes overcoming them even. If perhaps you feel too guilty to go to God, approach Our Mother with your tears and all of your weakness and shame, and She will lead you to Her Son. I think as men it is easier sometimes to go to our mothers when we mess up rather than go to our fathers. Fro me, at least, that’s the case. But Our Lady will always readily help you. If you cannot manage to say the rosary, pray the Hail Mary. Those words were spoken to her by the Angel who announced her to be the Mother of God. She rejoices in hearing them! She knows what you need and how to comfort you, like any good mother does. And She, even more. It is said by the saints that all the love of the angels for God and all the mothers on Earth for the children combined cannot equal the love the Blessed Mother has for just one soul.

Praying a Hail Mary for you!

 

[misstherese]

Pray. Pray as much as you can. Any time the thought pops up in your mind to pray, pray a short prayer. Make it your goal to talk to Jesus throughout your day. He wants to hear even the little things. Talk to Him as you would a best friend, but of course use respectful and humble language. Also set apart a time to pray (rosary is good); it doesn’t have to be long if you have a difficult time with prayer. You can slowly increase your prayer time as you go.

It has been said that without prayer, we are paralyzed.

Do not let the devil deceive you. He wants you to despair, to feel as though you can’t get past a certain sin. Of course you can. God always allows temptations for our benefit, so that we gain more merit. That’s how saints are made. Our struggles always end up in reward if we persist. If the temptation presents itself, recognize it for what it is (demons about you that are putting those thoughts in your head) and say no. Then seize to even consider it anymore and begin to pray to Mary, our great advocate, who will help defend you in the battle. After the thought has gone away for awhile, go to a spiritual book that you like and begin reading it to remind you of what God expects of you.

 

[NuclearReceptor]

Hi, I’m not sure if I can offer anything of use, but I also suffer/deal with SSA (and on occasions, anxiety and despair) and face temptations of that sort.

Like you, those sins have overtaken me on countless occasions, and it always leaves me dumbfounded as to how I could’ve committed those sins again.

I can’t remember where I read this, but someone told me that sin is just corruption of what was originally good. What people seek is true intimacy and friendships and companionship, but concupiscence turns even edible food rotten, and easy access to unclean materials = repeated sin.

Temptation is just a temporary illusion that preys on our weakness – each person has a different type of weakness that makes them psychologically and emotionally vulnerable to pornography.

If you are rationally inclined, tell yourself that there’s objectively no good that comes out of giving in to sin (as we have experienced numerous times). There is always regret. Shame. Darkness.

If you are visually inclined, imagine the object of your desire without skin and flesh — just bare bones. After all, that’s all we’re destined for in our mortal flesh. Or imagine chocolate-covered feces — would you eat that because the outside is sweet and looks edible??? (Sorry for the imagery for anyone reading.) Or just tell temptation that it’s not real — try literally telling it that it’s not real. Temptation doesn’t last forever, although at the moment, it feels almost impossible to resist.

I don’t know why, but apparently God is pleased when we struggle with sin…even if we fall. The fact that you care enough to write your post means you haven’t given up and are looking for a ladder to get out of the pit.

Many people have offered good advice with prayer. We need to get back up after falling to sin – yes it seems pointless after so many attempts – but don’t overthink it — trust God, go to confession, and pray.

 

[snarf137]

I think part of the problem for me is that I am worried about “wishing away” the severity of my sin by saying I was not in full control of myself. It is very hard for me to know to what degree I am in control at those moments. Sometimes I choose to have a sexual thought, but it can open up a floodgate from which I cannot escape. I am very scared that perhaps I am trying to trick myself into thinking I am not mortally sinning and further destroying my soul when I take the eucharist. Once in confession a priest became very angry with me for partaking in the eucharist, and ever since then I have been so scared that I am desecrating the host.

 

[Erikaspirit16]

It is very hard for me to know to what degree I am in control at those moments.

Good point. The question is, what you’re doing is wrong. But HOW wrong? There are people like the priest you talk about, or probably people on this site, who see things in black and white: it’s wrong; you did it; you are a sinner; you’re going to Hell; etc. But it’s not black and white at all.

This is precisely what Francis was saying when he said “Who am I to judge?” Exactly. Only God can judge, because only God knows the constraints and temptations you are under.

Now you could simply ignore the problem and keep doing whatever you’re doing. But you’re not. You’re concerned about it. It bothers you. You understand that you’re letting yourself down. You are not rejecting God, just the opposite. It seems to me (and no, I’m not God) that anyone who feels this way is a long, long way from committing a mortal sin. Just the opposite.

Hopefully at some point in the future you will look back and say “What was I thinking? How could I have done that?” It won’t happen tomorrow, but if you keep working at it, it will happen.

 

[TheOldColonel]

There is nothing in your sin that surprises a God or makes God love you any less than he ever did. But the sin is quite disturbing to you.

Reflect on God’s great love for you, even after you’ve sinned, and I think you’ll find that sin will have less and less power over you. God loves you even in your sin.

Open yourself, even your own weaknesses and flaws, to that great love and it will transform you. Look at all the great stories in the Gospels. Jesus does not demand perfect repentance before he loves his followers. On the contrary, Jesus calls and loves his followers first BEFORE they ever change. Sometimes, as with Peter, it’s a long road of change for them. In fact, it is Jesus love that changes those he calls. Sometime, we make the mistake of thinking God will not love or call us until we are perfect. But if we’re like most, perfection will never come in this life. May God bless you.

 

[Banman52]

If you were on the wrong path, none of this would bother you in the least, and you wouldn’t bother ranting, so take heart in that. You are not alone in traveling these roads. I’d suggest, in addition to some of the other comments and helps you’ve received, that you concentrate your Bible reading on the four Gospels and less on the Old Testament. And, if comfortable, find a priest you can tell about your struggles as you’ve done here.

 

[guanophore]

I love Jesus but I am constantly wracked by anxiety related to sin.

It sounds like you never had an adequate faith formation. Have you ever been to RCIA?

I am also gay (same sex attraction), although that is unrelated to my current predicament, although it has sometimes caused me massive amounts of anxiety and loneliness.

You may not think this is related, but it undoubtedly is. Satan always attacks us where we are most vulnerable, and our sense of anxiety and loneliness is a perfect place for an attack!

There is one sin in particular I continue to struggle with, which is pornography and masturbation.

These are insidious and far too common avenues of attack by the evil one. It really needs to be treated like an addiction. The human brain is biologically programmed to respond to these kinds of stimuli, which is why they are ensnaring.

an almost daily compulsion

This is good evidence that an addictive process is in place. In such cases, will power is just insufficient.

my thoughts became more and more sinful and disordered

This is the natural course of an addiction, the type is not relevant. It has it’s own life force that drags the victim along with it. It is not dissimilar to being caught in a riptide.

After regular confession and reception of the eucharist, it felt like I was making progress.

No doubt you were. there is no better way!

However, especially in periods of high stress or depression, I find myself coming back to old habits.

This is natural for all humans. We tend to revert to old habits when we are under pressure. This is why it is so much easier to relapse when there is a lot of stress of any kind. Have you read Romans 7 recently? This is a clear description of the spiritual battle that rages within all of us every day.

ecently, I went to confession to confess looking at pornography. I believe I was sincere in wanting to be close to God and rid of this sin. However, after feeling anxious all day today I once again found myself looking at porn (one day after confession!).

I know, it can seem discouraging. But your brain naturally wants relief from anxiety and gets that from feeding the addiction. It does not mean you are not sincere, it just means that willpower and good intentions are not enough. Your brain has been trained to respond to this stimulus and you will crave it during periods of anxiety.

 

[guanophore]

If I was sincere, surely I would not have mortally sinned the next day?

No, this is not an accurate conclusion to draw in cases of addiction.

I feel in a constant state of moral sin.

This is called “emotional reasoning”, or thought processes driven by emotions. You cannot afford to do this. You need to act in accordance with the facts, rather than feelings. When you confess, you are absolved, and must act in accordance with the absolution, even if your “feelings” are opposite.

I feel like I will be killed any second by God and will go straight to hell and I have no hope.

This is a work of the devil. He loves to rob the Children of God of their birthright, which is righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit.

I also long to eat the eucharist but I was told by a priest to not go to reconcilation more than once per week ( I was going every few days),

The priest may not have understood the situation in which you find yourself. You need a spiritual director/confessor who is able to provide you with the guidance that is suited for your situation. If you have not explained to this priest all that you have here, then do so. Print it out and take it for him to read if you feel you cannot say it. Receiving the Eucharist is key to overcoming these addictions, but you cannot do so unless you are in a state of grace, so you need a priest that will work with you and understand your struggle.

I go for weeks without the eucharist because even after confession I find myself sinning a few days later.

Healing from addiction cannot happen in a vacuum. You cannot just resist the urge by willpower and good intentions. You need coping skills other than those to which your brain has become accustomed. You need alternatives to dealing with anxiety, depression, loneliness, etc. You do not banish the darkness from a room by “willing” it to be gone, but by turning on the light. You need to cultivate positive spiritual disciplines to replace the unhealthy coping mechanisms.

 

[guanophore]

Sometimes when I read the Bible I find that my faith is slipping away, especially in the stories of the Old Testament where God punishes evil doers.

It might be more beneficial for you to get a 12 step bible, or pray the liturgy of the hours.

I have so thoroughly destroyed my brain and disposition that I will never be able to live a good life and will live permanently cut off from Him.

When you get done reading Romans 7, don’t stop there. Go on to 8:1!!!

Deliverance is near, but it comes only by grace, through faith. You are right, of ourselves, we can never live a good life, and apart from His grace, we would all be permanently cut off from Him. Jesus knew this when He suffered for us. “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Rom 5:8

His grace is bigger than all of our shortcomings, sins, and addictions to what destroys us.

 

[Joe_73]

One thing that helped me in my struggles lately, was all the sermons at the begining of lent. I decided I could use my suffering(from anxiety, and troubling unresolved questions), and accept it, and not complain about it, as a sign of love and trust for God. It’s in God’s hands, If he isn’t taking those problems away, there must be a reason, and So out of love for God I can accept the pain of the situation and be patient, instead of falling back into sexual sin, as a way to cope, and out of a desperate desire to acomplish “something”. This worked better for me than what I was doing before.

If you approach your situation with humbility, God can work with you so much better.

I’m struggling a bit too, with the guilt, regret, and despair, and feeling of insincerity your describing.

What age are you around? I’m 19. Anyway, in the last year or so, I did manage to overcome both porn and masturbation addiction for quite a few months, though I fell back eventually in stress. But I’ll say this. It took me about 1 month to quite pornography for the most part, and about 4 to finally overcome the habbit of masturbation. It’s not easy, but it does get easier after you cross certain landmarks. Getting past 2 weeks is huge. Then getting past 1 month, and then 3 months. Part of it is knowing that the emotional pain, depression and difficulty that comes from resisting your passions. is temporary. It’s a kind of drug addiction, so you can experience withdrawil symptoms, which can include temporary lack of libedo(which scares some people back into masturbating), or depression and a feeling of emptiness.
For SSA, I recomend this book: shame and attachment loss - Google Search
Don’t focus on that too much, especially during sinful periods, if you decide to get it, because it’s emotionally difficult stuff, and you don’t want to put to much on yourself, why simultaneously trying to abstain from masturbation ect.

This website related to SSA is interesting as well: THE 4T's — The 4T's
It’s not catholic, but I’s very thoughtful. There’s nothing against catholic teaching as far as I know.

 

[simonjosiah1]

There is no problem that cannot be solved by the holy rosary- sister lucia

Please try saying the rosary, pray along with youtube, it only takes 15 minutes.

I believe it has helped me stop sinning.

 

[Sugabee43]

I can’t remember where I read this, but someone told me that sin is just corruption of what was originally good. What people seek is true intimacy and friendships and companionship, but concupiscence turns even edible food rotten, and easy access to unclean materials = repeated sin.

Temptation is just a temporary illusion that preys on our weakness – each person has a different type of weakness that makes them psychologically and emotionally vulnerable to pornography.

Oh, this; THIS!! It’s exactly what “Theology of the Body” explains so beautifully!! The ache; the longing; the DESIRE we feel is truly the DESIRE (Eros) for union- true intimacy-with God!!! Pray to Him to help you turn your desires upward to Him! I highly recommend for you the book, “Fill These Hearts”, by Christopher West. His ministry in promoting Theology of the Body is phenomenal. Fill These Hearts: God, Sex, and the Universal Longing - Christopher West - Google Books Read the review posted here to give you an idea. Blessings to you!!

 

[Zerg]

Our Father…Hail Mary… Glory Be…

 

[Bluebright]

I agree, start saying the rosary every day or in the beginning as often as you can.

Praying helps as much as you can, as often as you can. Even small little prayers, my most often prayer is ‘please help me’ . If you feel tempted to sin remember it is either, your will, the devil or the world so recognise that and call to God for help and pray constantly til it passes. If you are a person with a good imagination then you may need something to distract you so read Bible verses, the psalms are nice for this, pray to Mary (she is an expert at chastity as is St Joseph of you feel you need a man’s point of view) and don’t forget you Guardian angel is just waiting to be called upon to protect you from temptations too. Also there are hundreds of Saints who will pray for you, call on them. God did not leave you without any assistance in times like this. You have the army of heaven at your beck and call 24/7 and then priests and your organisation at a more civilised time. Next time you go to confession tell your priest that a previous priest told you off etc. and you fear that and it keeps you from the Eucharist and let him explain when you should and shouldn’t, trust his reply. Let it be clear so you can have the sacrament as much as you can for His grace which you need. Treat this like an addiction and wage war on it. Like others have said, distract yourself and give yourself good and holy things to do especially during your danger periods. Do remember that despair is the devils work. God bless, i will pray for you too