Giving up

  • Thread starter Thread starter outfctrl
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
O

outfctrl

Guest
I know its been a long time since I posted. Some of you might remember me back in June of 2006 coming back to the Church after over 30 years.

I joined the Knights of Columbus too.

I am really slipping back into my old routines. Missing mass, amoungst other taboo things. I carry my rosary with me, but never say them.
I have been able to maintain my Chastity with women, since I am single, but still slip in other ways. If you know what I mean.

I feel really lost now. I stopped praying. When I miss mass, I say to myself “Well, that’s one mortal sin, whats a few more on top of that”. I get further and further from God.

It seems like every confession, I report the same sins, over and over and get the same pennance, 5 Hail Mary’s, over and over.
It’s like I am in a loop. I havent been to confession in over a month now.

I have no idea why I am telling all of you this…Maybe if you can pray for me? I feel like I should quit the Knights of Columbus. I am not worthy being part of such a group of men.
 
Praying for you.

Start getting in the habbit of going to mass. And start doing all those good thing you were doing.
 
When my uncle was in the war, he had an experience very similar to what you are going through.

He was stuck up to his waist in a swamp, defending the same village from the same Japanese invaders, day after day after day. He was often tempted just to give up and let the Japanese take that village. But then he would look into the eyes of those little kids, and then he would go back into that swamp and fight again another day. Over and over and over again, week after week, month after month.

Soldiers were dying all around him. He wondered what it was all for.

Then suddenly one day, the Japanese were just gone. Day after day, they looked, and there were no Japanese any more. Eventually, someone came and told them that the war was over; the Japanese had surrendered.

So they went back to the village, and told the villagers the good news - the Japanese were gone, and were not coming back. Then, with very little fanfare, they went home. Nobody asked them where they had been, or what they had been doing. Everyone at home was talking about great battles, exciting moments in the war. Nobody really cared about a bunch of men who had spent the entire war standing in the same swamp, fighting the same battle over and over again.

Nobody, of course, except for those villagers. He still hears from the children, sometimes - they’re grown now, and they write to him, sometimes. They remember him, and they’re still grateful that he didn’t leave them to the “mercies” of the Japanese. They’re glad they got the chance to go to school, to go into business, to get married, and to have families of their own. All because he kept fighting the same battle over and over and over again, without giving up.

So, when you go into the Confessional with the same list yet again, remember my uncle, up to his waist in a swamp, fighting that same battle, over again. And know that Jesus understands that sometimes, to win the battle, you just have to stay put and keep fighting, regardless of outward appearances.
 
hi,

try to find a good confessor/spiritial director and explain your state of soul with him.

also pick up a copy of “divine mercy in my soul” by st. faustina.
i think it will help alot.

God bless,

johnco
 
I may be wrong, but what I’m “reading between the lines” is that you care… and care a lot. That’s why these things are bothering you. Don’t give up. I know exactly how your feeling and it will pass. You just have to keep at it. And talking about how your feeling can help. Seek counsel as someone else mentioned. Your very aware of where your at. A lot of people aren’t aware. To me, that says your making progress, where ironically, your thinking your stuck.
 
Hey my friend…I made a good confession about 2 weeks before Christmas after a long period of backsliding. I had cut off my relationship with Jesus in favor of making my band a success and I was a ball of racked nerves looking for that acceptance from the “elites”. I took my eyes off Jesus and began sanking…a lot like when Peter was walking on the water to Jesus and he took his eyes off Him…he got scared. What did Jesus do ? He stuck out his hand and pulled Peter up. You realize your sinfullness and you know you need mercy. Many people are so blinded by pride they dont realize this. Return to confession. The temptations wont stop but you will handle it because of your desire to conform to the heart of Jesus. Dont stay away from the sacraments of healing.
 
jmcrae said:
When my uncle was in the war, he had an experience very similar to what you are going through.

He was stuck up to his waist in a swamp, defending the same village from the same Japanese invaders, day after day after day. He was often tempted just to give up and let the Japanese take that village. But then he would look into the eyes of those little kids, and then he would go back into that swamp and fight again another day. Over and over and over again, week after week, month after month.

Soldiers were dying all around him. He wondered what it was all for.

Then suddenly one day, the Japanese were just gone. Day after day, they looked, and there were no Japanese any more. Eventually, someone came and told them that the war was over; the Japanese had surrendered.

So they went back to the village, and told the villagers the good news - the Japanese were gone, and were not coming back. Then, with very little fanfare, they went home. Nobody asked them where they had been, or what they had been doing. Everyone at home was talking about great battles, exciting moments in the war. Nobody really cared about a bunch of men who had spent the entire war standing in the same swamp, fighting the same battle over and over again.

Nobody, of course, except for those villagers. He still hears from the children, sometimes - they’re grown now, and they write to him, sometimes. They remember him, and they’re still grateful that he didn’t leave them to the “mercies” of the Japanese. They’re glad they got the chance to go to school, to go into business, to get married, and to have families of their own. All because he kept fighting the same battle over and over and over again, without giving up.

So, when you go into the Confessional with the same list yet again, remember my uncle, up to his waist in a swamp, fighting that same battle, over again. And know that Jesus understands that sometimes, to win the battle, you just have to stay put and keep fighting, regardless of outward appearances.
Click to expand...
Incredible…just, incredible. This story is really helping me…thanks for sharing.
 
Thanks for all the support. I have got to get my heart back to where it was months ago.

It just seems like everything takes a priority over my Faith. I always have an excuse.
 
outfctrl said:
I I have no idea why I am telling all of you this…Maybe if you can pray for me? I feel like I should quit the Knights of Columbus. I am not worthy being part of such a group of men.
Click to expand...
and what makes you think any of them are “worthy”? if you mean, you are a sinnner and they are not, you are dead wrong. you joined a church of sinners so you should feel right at home. no one is worthy of the grace of Jesus, not the KofC not your pastor, not the pope, not me, not you. His sacrifice on our behalf was his free full gift of love and we did nothing to earn it. now what are you going to do with the gift is the only question? rejection should be the last thing on your mind, and dropping Mass, confession, sacraments, prayer and good habits would be rejection of that gift.
 
God has already worked absolute miracles in your soul, and He is ready to work more of them. I remember being bowled over by the graces you have been given, and so impressed by how hard you tried to correspond with those graces, and asking you to pray for my intentions. Now, I’ll return the favor. I have some things to offer up that are extremely painful, and I will offer them today for you, my friend.

One piece of advice - don’t fall into a false humility, thinking that you are not good enough to be part of the Church, or the Knights, or even a child of God, and therefore discontinuing your efforts to do God’s will. NONE of us are worthy, but God wants us anyway, inexplicably. Keep fighting - it’s worth it!!

Love,
Betsy
 
Hi outfctrl,

I agree with what the others have said, and would like to add something for you to reflect upon and a suggestion.

Are you familiar with the idea of conditioned or learned helplessness? I read about this in school years ago as demonstrated in an animal model. The process goes like this: Rats are given a mild electrical shock (not terrible, but uncomfortable just the same). Initially, they can stop the current by pressing a bar, but after a while the bar stops working. They can press all they want, but they still get zapped. Eventually, most will stop trying, even after the bar is working again. They have developed conditioned helplessness. Most animals will be so conditioned by this process, but a minority keep pressing the bar through the whole process, and eventually can stop the shocks.

These experiments didn’t impress me too much back then, but I’ve since come to think of them as a pretty good example of what happens to a lot of us in our lives. I also think this concept dovetails nicely into a couple of things people have told me: 1) that holiness is a process, not an end, and 2) that religious life is a series of falling down and getting up. The problem isn’t the falling down (we ALL do this), it’s the not getting up, and holiness is the process of repeatedly getting up and trying again and again and again…. The devil is trying to condition you to feel helpless. Don’t let him.

May I also suggest that you get your hands on a miraculous medal? I was given one by a very old and experienced priest when I was having trouble coming to grips with my faith, and it worked wonders in my life. Nothing sudden or exciting, just a slow, steady molding. I’ve given them to a lot of other people since then, and never take mine off. If you go the Association of the Miraculous Medal web page (www.amm.org) and click on “Association” in the bar on the left, there will be a link ¾ of the way down called “Free Miraculous Medal”. Click on it, enter your info, and they’ll send one out to you.

Remember what Winston Churchill said: “Never give in — never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.” You can do this.
 
outfctrl:

Ask yourself something: Why am I doing this? What you’re describing is a soul in covert rebellion against God. Try to figure out, in one sentence, what your soul’s battle cry seems to be. Something you might find helpful is C.S. Lewis’ “The Screwtape Letters,” a book about all the tricky little ways the devil finds to subvert your reaction to God’s call.
 
Actually, it was easier when I cam back to the Church after 30 years. Why am I finding it so hard to stay with Her now?

I dont understand. I thought it would become easier as time went by.

Now I am almost back to the way I was before I came back.
 
I am not sure if this dream I had last nite has anything to do with the state I am in, but here goes.

I was in my house. There was a break-in. Five or six guys and women came into the this big room.

They started to torture people (cut them, beat them and other things). I went into the room to stop one and got overpowered and beaten. I tried multiple times, but always got beaten.

I saw them throw my computer out the window and I saw it shatter. I was devastated.

The beatings and torture of people continued. There was fornication between the people who broke in. The beatings and torture continued, even amongst themselves.

The funny thing is, they could never leave this one room. I was safe everywhere else.

I tried to stop them again and this time, they held a knife to my throat and was about to stab me.

Then all of a sudden, some type of Police showed up and grabbed all the people who broke in. I remember looking at them as they faded away. The head guy placed his hand on my shoulder and assured me I was ok. Everything turned blue and I was walking through flowers with thorns on each side of them.

The path of flowers was very very narrow and I was afraid I was going to step on the thorns if I slipped just a tiny bit. I woke up.

I hardly dream, much less even remember them. Something is going on with me and it is scaring me.
 
I think it might be useful to just go through the motions, even if you’re not feeling it right now. People have proven time and again that if you smile when you don’t feel like smiling, your mood will improve. If you act confident when you don’t feel confident, your confidence will improve. In the same way, if you pray without feeling the prayer, it will bring you closer to God. Go to confession and say your Hail Marys even if you don’t feel it helps. Sometimes you can’t see the effects, but a good thing is always a good thing.

In the meantime, I’ll pray for you.
 
outfctrl said:
Actually, it was easier when I cam back to the Church after 30 years. Why am I finding it so hard to stay with Her now?

I dont understand. I thought it would become easier as time went by.

Now I am almost back to the way I was before I came back.
Click to expand...
Satan doesn’t want you to be with God. When you came back to the Church, it probably ticked off the evil one…and these behaviors that are or cause sin are the wedge Satan is trying to put between you and God. He’s trying to convince you that you’re not good enough, that you’re not loved, that there’s no point. DON’T LISTEN TO HIM. LISTEN TO THE VOICE OF TRUTH: JESUS CHRIST!! :yup:

There is a lot of wonderful advice on this thread, and I hope you’ll take it (I’m going to remember some of the things said too, so thanks to all who have posted.) Just remember that you were made in God’s image, and that despite our failures, He loves us – ALL OF US – and offers Himself to us in Holy Communion whenever we want! I know about confessing the same sins – I think many of us know what that’s like.:o Stay close to the sacraments and don’t give up.

Go to adoration if you can, even for a few minutes here and there if you can’t go for an hour (any closeness to Jesus is great!!) I once read something that said that when you are with Jesus in adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, you have no idea what that’s doing for your soul. You might not feel like anything is happening, but the Holy Presence of our Savior is radiating to and through your soul, just by being there. I know when I go (which is not often enough :o) I feel very peaceful, very close to Jesus (and I am: He’s right there!).

I second the suggestion to read the Diary of St. Faustina. You can get it here: thedivinemercy.org. Jesus has said that even if a sinner most hardened turns to Him at the moment of His death and genuinely asks for mercy, He will grant it.

We all struggle with living as we should and living as the world does. Jesus knows what the temptations feel like – but He gives us strength if we ask for it, and He will always offer His hand to us. Hope is never lost, so don’t give up. Jesus will always wait for you in the confessional, in the Holy Eucharist. Take His hand and don’t let go. :hug1:

Praying for you! :crossrc:
 
outfctrl said:
I am not sure if this dream I had last nite has anything to do with the state I am in, but here goes.

I was in my house. There was a break-in. Five or six guys and women came into the this big room.

They started to torture people (cut them, beat them and other things). I went into the room to stop one and got overpowered and beaten. I tried multiple times, but always got beaten.

I saw them throw my computer out the window and I saw it shatter. I was devastated.

The beatings and torture of people continued. There was fornication between the people who broke in. The beatings and torture continued, even amongst themselves.

The funny thing is, they could never leave this one room. I was safe everywhere else.

I tried to stop them again and this time, they held a knife to my throat and was about to stab me.

Then all of a sudden, some type of Police showed up and grabbed all the people who broke in. I remember looking at them as they faded away. The head guy placed his hand on my shoulder and assured me I was ok. Everything turned blue and I was walking through flowers with thorns on each side of them.

The path of flowers was very very narrow and I was afraid I was going to step on the thorns if I slipped just a tiny bit. I woke up.

I hardly dream, much less even remember them. Something is going on with me and it is scaring me.
Click to expand...
I will suggest that you should examine your conscience and identify what is between you and your relationship with GOD. You need to experience the mercy of Jesus in the sacrament of confession. I fought anxiety and depression for years and felt I could not be forgiven which just sank me deeper and deeper. The devil had me. But I wanted to live (and I dont just mean physical) so I went to my priest. GOD used him as an instrument to minister to my needs and over time I learned what relationship with Jesus was about. Now because the desires in my heart were still not completely pure I still struggle with giving in to temptation. But I am aware of what that does to my relationship with Jesus, and since I dont want to hurt Him, I ask for help. If I do give in, I waste no time returning to the sacrament. It doesnt mean it was a bad confession, it means I am weak. The temptations wont stop coming at you, but because your hearts desires will be to conform to Christ, those temptations will have no power over you as you persevere.
 
outfctrl said:
I know its been a long time since I posted. Some of you might remember me back in June of 2006 coming back to the Church after over 30 years.

I joined the Knights of Columbus too.

I am really slipping back into my old routines. Missing mass, amoungst other taboo things. I carry my rosary with me, but never say them.
I have been able to maintain my Chastity with women, since I am single, but still slip in other ways. If you know what I mean.

I feel really lost now. I stopped praying. When I miss mass, I say to myself “Well, that’s one mortal sin, whats a few more on top of that”. I get further and further from God.

It seems like every confession, I report the same sins, over and over and get the same pennance, 5 Hail Mary’s, over and over.
It’s like I am in a loop. I havent been to confession in over a month now.

I have no idea why I am telling all of you this…Maybe if you can pray for me? I feel like I should quit the Knights of Columbus. I am not worthy being part of such a group of men.
Click to expand...
Hi outfctrl! First, I want you to know that you’re not alone in feeling this way. Many saints before us have experienced periods of spiritual darkness, and yet they persevered and never gave up on God. For a most recent example, Mother Theresa was going through this for years and years, and no one knew, until after her death, when her letters were made public by the Vatican. Despite being in spiritual pain, she never wavered in her good works.

I think that it’s very commendable that you feel comfortable reaching out, and I think that is the first step. All of us need to have our faith renewed from time to time. I can’t tell you how it happens, because it’s different for each person. What I’ve found helpful is praying for the strength and faith that you need. Somehow it works! I just can’t stress enough the importance of praying. That said, I can certainly understand finding it hard to pray at times, because that’s what I’ve been going through lately, as well. I’ll be sure to say a prayer for you.

God bless you!
 
Wow, sometimes God scares me with how clear He is! Regarding the part of you dream about the thorns, I just read this story the other day about the Saint John Bosco. I got it from
www.saintmichaelusa.org/st.bosco4.php.

"In one dream, Mary led him into a beautiful garden. There were roses everywhere, crowding the ground with their blooms and the air with their scent. He was told to take off his shoes and walk along a path through a rose arbor. Before he had walked more than a few steps, his naked feet were cut and bleeding from the thorns. When he said he would have to wear shoes or turn back, Mary told him to put on sturdy shoes. As he stepped forward a second time, he was followed by helpers. But the walls of the arbor closed on him, the roof sank lower and the roses crept onto the path. Thorns caught at him from all around. When he pushed them aside he only got more cuts, until he was tangled in thorns. Yet those who watched said, “How lucky Don John is! His path is forever strewn with roses! He hasn’t a worry in the world. No troubles at all!” Many of the helpers, who had been expecting an easy journey, turned back, but some stayed with him. Finally he climbed through the roses and thorns to find another incredible garden. A cool breeze soothed his torn skin and healed his wounds.

In his interpretation, the path was his mission, the roses were his charity to the boys, and the thorns were the distractions, the obstacles, and frustrations that would stand in his way. The message of the dream was clear to John: he must keep going, not lose faith in God or his mission, and he would come through to the place he belonged. Often John acted on his dreams simply by sharing them, sometimes repeating them to several different individuals or groups he thought would be affected by the dream. “Let me tell you about a dream that has absorbed my mind,” he would say.

I hope this story will encourage you.
Godspeed on your journey, outfctrl!
 
Well, I guess its time I face my demons. Before I came back to the Church, I was carefree and did what I want.

Now, I struggle constantly.

When does it get better? Why do I constantly think about this?

I have no friends to talk to except all of you. Most of my friends…well, I say friends, have no concience and do what they please. Just like I used to do. It is so hard hanging out with them now, coming up with excuses not to participate in certain activities.

I used to have women call me all the time to get together. Now they have stopped. I kept making excuses not to see them.

Most of the guys I used to hang out with, stopped calling me too.

I hurt all the time with small things I do now.

I FEEL LIKE A MONK!!!..LOL
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top