Go to Mass alone?

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booey99

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Hello. I’m hoping others can help me out with a major dilemma I’m going through in my life lately. I’m married with two young kids. I was born and raised Catholic, but I married a Presbyterian woman. I went to Catholic school through high school, but I drifted away during my college years, during which time I met my wife. We got married in her Presbyterian church. Being young and naive, I didn’t think the different denominations would be a big deal at the time, but it’s proving to be a big challenge to our marriage and family. Before kids, we went to church here and there, but only once or twice to a Catholic church. My faith wasn’t that big of a deal to me, but faith was more important to my wife. Once we got kids, we got more serious and after several fights on which church to go to, I gave in for the sake of the family and agreed to have our kids get baptized in her church and go there on a regular basis. My wife and kids are official members, but I wouldn’t do it which I now realize was a great decision on my part. I literally felt ill when I thought about becoming protestant and not being Catholic anymore.

Flash forward a few years to about a year ago… I started to get the urge to come back to the Catholic church, but my wife has no interest in becoming Catholic, let alone let our kids be raised in the Catholic faith. For the first time in my life, I’m really hearing God talk to me and give me the nudge to come back to the Church. I finally made the decision to go to mass by myself. It started this Easter during the Easter Vigil. My brother-in-law got baptized and joined the Church that night. The entire Mass was beautiful, amazing and made me very emotional. I now know this is what I NEED. I’ve been going to Mass by myself the last few weeks by myself, while also going to the Presbyterian service with the family to not rock the boat. However, when at Mass, I want to cry due to the Mass experience as well as the emptiness I feel of not having my family there with me. It’s a very bittersweet experience. I’m at the point where I want to join the parish, even if it’s by myself. I want to become involved in the church, join the Knights of Columbus, work at fish fry’s etc. Everything seems to be lining itself up where God is telling me this is what I need to do, but unfortunately I can’t share this with my family. 😦

This is where I need advice… Here are some of the questions I have:

First, should I continue to go to the Presbyterian service with the family if my wife won’t come to Mass and/or become Catholic?

Should I take my kids to Mass with me even if my wife won’t come with? Or would this be too confusing for them to get two different messages? By the way, my wife’s church hands out bags of toys for the kids to play with in church. How is a 5 year old not going to love that over sitting through Mass at having to pay attention? 🙂

I know joining the parish would be really good for me and my faith, but would is the potential risk to the family unit worth it?

This has caused some pretty big fights between my wife and I. She has said that she’ll never convert to Catholocism and I tend to believe her, but I’m more concerned about the kids. I’d love for them to have the same traditions and experiences that I did growing up, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. Like any marriage, ours has it share of issues on top of this, so there is a definite breakdown in communication, affection and tenderness, so sometimes we both get in our corners and don’t budge. I get very sad thinking about this, but this is my reality at this point. I apologize is this is rambling.

Is anybody else in this predicament? I’d love to hear how others are dealing with it.
 
booey99 said:
Hello. I’m hoping others can help me out with a major dilemma I’m going through in my life lately. I’m married with two young kids. I was born and raised Catholic, but I married a Presbyterian woman. I went to Catholic school through high school, but I drifted away during my college years, during which time I met my wife. We got married in her Presbyterian church. Being young and naive, I didn’t think the different denominations would be a big deal at the time, but it’s proving to be a big challenge to our marriage and family. Before kids, we went to church here and there, but only once or twice to a Catholic church. My faith wasn’t that big of a deal to me, but faith was more important to my wife. Once we got kids, we got more serious and after several fights on which church to go to, I gave in for the sake of the family and agreed to have our kids get baptized in her church and go there on a regular basis. My wife and kids are official members, but I wouldn’t do it which I now realize was a great decision on my part. I literally felt ill when I thought about becoming protestant and not being Catholic anymore.

Flash forward a few years to about a year ago… I started to get the urge to come back to the Catholic church, but my wife has no interest in becoming Catholic, let alone let our kids be raised in the Catholic faith. For the first time in my life, I’m really hearing God talk to me and give me the nudge to come back to the Church. I finally made the decision to go to mass by myself. It started this Easter during the Easter Vigil. My brother-in-law got baptized and joined the Church that night. The entire Mass was beautiful, amazing and made me very emotional. I now know this is what I NEED. I’ve been going to Mass by myself the last few weeks by myself, while also going to the Presbyterian service with the family to not rock the boat. However, when at Mass, I want to cry due to the Mass experience as well as the emptiness I feel of not having my family there with me. It’s a very bittersweet experience. I’m at the point where I want to join the parish, even if it’s by myself. I want to become involved in the church, join the Knights of Columbus, work at fish fry’s etc. Everything seems to be lining itself up where God is telling me this is what I need to do, but unfortunately I can’t share this with my family. 😦

This is where I need advice… Here are some of the questions I have:

First, should I continue to go to the Presbyterian service with the family if my wife won’t come to Mass and/or become Catholic?

Should I take my kids to Mass with me even if my wife won’t come with? Or would this be too confusing for them to get two different messages? By the way, my wife’s church hands out bags of toys for the kids to play with in church. How is a 5 year old not going to love that over sitting through Mass at having to pay attention? 🙂

I know joining the parish would be really good for me and my faith, but would is the potential risk to the family unit worth it?

This has caused some pretty big fights between my wife and I. She has said that she’ll never convert to Catholocism and I tend to believe her, but I’m more concerned about the kids. I’d love for them to have the same traditions and experiences that I did growing up, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. Like any marriage, ours has it share of issues on top of this, so there is a definite breakdown in communication, affection and tenderness, so sometimes we both get in our corners and don’t budge. I get very sad thinking about this, but this is my reality at this point. I apologize is this is rambling.

Is anybody else in this predicament? I’d love to hear how others are dealing with it.
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I’m not an expert, but if I were you, I’d work on you for now. I’d continue to go to Mass, I’d join the KOC and yes I’d continue to attend the Protestant Church with your wife. I’d let your wife see what a positive effect the Church is having on your life.

I’d pray and pray. I’d ask your wife how she feels about you bringing the children to Mass occasionally. I’d not let it cause discord. I’d never get in an argument with her over it.

I’d pray some more. At some point, if your wife is seeming at all willing I’d maybe ask her to read the book “Rome Sweet Home” by Scott Hahn. His wife (who co-authored it)was very upset about his conversion from being a Presbyterian (first in seminary and then a minister), but eventually she too converted.

Let your wife see the good Catholicism can do in a person’s life by being Christ like.
 
I’m kind of in a similar boat. I go to Mass alone with my son (age 4), but my wife attends no service of any kind. She was baptized in the Armenian Apostolic Church, but she’s never really attended. My mother-in-law likes to talk a lot about it, but she was raised in it and never really used the AAC for anything other than a cultural touchstone after her early twenties.

I understand your feelings. I wasn’t exactly a strong catholic when I decided to get married and I sometimes wish that I had married a catholic. I can tell you that I’m making do with the marriage that I’m in, and my wife is very supportive of my church attendance, having my son accompany me and my giving, albeit small, to the Church.

I’ve often told my wife that her attitude regarding certain issues is VERY Catholic and that if she would do some research she would find that it’s not what is often portrayed poorly in the media. She’s come a long way, though, so there is hope.

I would say, for diplomatic purposes, continue attending Presbyterian services AND Mass. Let’s face it, on our end, we have one of the shorter more predictable services. It’s not that bad and you get a more rewarding experience out of it. God knows that it’s more enjoyable than hearing some pseudo-hippie in a turtleneck deliver some pscyhobabble sermon. I was raised Protestant; been there.😉

I sometimes wish that things could be as easy as going to Mass and then God says, “Well, you’re really doing everything right. Here’s a perfect marriage, family and life!” However, that’s not the case and you have to take things a little bit at a time. Go to Mass, go to Presbyterian service so as not to seem like you’re being an Inquisitor, pray your Rosary and be a good parent to your kids. Be fulfilled. It’s all you can do.

Who knows. Maybe that fulfillment will make your wife begin to question what she believes about the Church. I know that the first thing that ever made me begin to examine the Church was the constant chatter from my fellow Protestants about what Catholics were supposed to believe and do. I just said to myself, “I don’t believe you.” I have a Doubting Thomas tendency; I have to stick my hands in the wounds.:o

Best of luck. Stay strong and know that you are not alone.👍
 
heart4home said:
I’m not an expert, but if I were you, I’d work on you for now. I’d continue to go to Mass, I’d join the KOC and yes I’d continue to attend the Protestant Church with your wife. I’d let your wife see what a positive effect the Church is having on your life.

I’d pray and pray. I’d ask your wife how she feels about you bringing the children to Mass occasionally. I’d not let it cause discord. I’d never get in an argument with her over it.

I’d pray some more. At some point, if your wife is seeming at all willing I’d maybe ask her to read the book “Rome Sweet Home” by Scott Hahn. His wife (who co-authored it)was very upset about his conversion from being a Presbyterian (first in seminary and then a minister), but eventually she too converted.

Let your wife see the good Catholicism can do in a person’s life by being Christ like.
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There are some days I’m SO glad I’m single
 
**Hi booey99, and a big welcome to you.
There is a group here called-

“Catholics with Unsupportive Families and Friends”

that you should join for support. They are all going through something similar to you, so they may have some good advice for you, or some ideas anyway.

I’ll pray for you and your situation.**
 
Booey99, Welcome home!!

I fell away from the Church right out of high school as well. I married my high school sweet heart at 18 in an Episcopal church. My husband’s family belonged to this church but they had also fallen away.

I came back to our Catholic faith many yrs. later. My husband will not come to Church. He is not religious at all. I went to church by myself since my two boys were 16 and 18 and would not go either. I felt so alone but very close to Jesus so I went to Adoration and joined a spiritual group that taught me all the teachings of the Church. (Sadly I and so many others were not taught our faith in many Catholic schools.) I was on fire for the Eucharist and all the teachings of the Church. I got very involved in my parish.

My husband did not want to hear about my faith. We had quite a few arguments as well. Now eight yrs later we only argue about it when he occasionally mocks my faith. I pray for him and our boys every day but I still feel very sad that they have no desire to become Catholic I am trying to be a good example but I am not a saint yet 😦

I agree with the above posters who said to go to both your wife’s church and the Catholic Church. I would have a discussion with your wife about you two alternating taking your children to the Catholic Church one week and to her church the next week as well as you being able to catechize them. Yes, do join the KOC as well as another group that you are interested in if you have the time. You will be surprised how many friend you will make. It definitely made me feel less lonely and a part of the parish family.

I have backed off of being in so many things at Church now to be home more with my husband. But now I am afraid I have become a lukewarm Catholic.:mad: So I am thinking about volunteering again and going back to daily mass.🙂

I will pray for you and your family.
 
Hi and welcome Home, Booey99!

You’re in a tough position. You’ve changed the terms since your marriage. Your wife will feel betrayed, that you have now decided your previous agreement to attend the Presbyterian church with her is up for renegotiation. Getting into fights about it will only damage your relationship and probably also affect your children as you both take your positions. With enough animosity from their parents, kids in a mixed-faith household end up atheists because neither church can be trusted. Be very careful not to do this. IMO it is better that your children have faith in God, even if it’s not in a Catholic Church yet.

I was fortunate - when I married my husband neither of us were practicing Catholics but at least we are both Catholic. So when I returned to the Church shortly after our 1st son was born, my husband could at least “fake it” and he did allow their baptism, sacraments, education to be Catholic. Yet, in 21 years, he still has not returned to the Church and is more of an atheist than anything. Our sons have no idea this is the case. We don’t argue about it, but neither does he play any part in their spiritual lives. At some point they are going to realize that something is missing, but I will just tell them to talk to him about it. Of course I worry about his soul and I pray for him daily. There is a green scapular under his side of the mattress now. (To help with conversion of non-believers) I only tell you my story to let you know you’re not alone in your mixed-faith marriage.

Go talk to your priest. Your marriage, unfortunately, isn’t Catholic in form, so that’s going to be a bit of a problem going forward. A Catholic has to marry in a Catholic Church or get a dispensation. You’ll need to address that issue before you start joining the K of C, etc. My husband and I were married civilly at first and finally married in the Church on our 10th anniversary. I hope your wife will be open to this. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, just a private ceremony in front of a priest. Anyway, don’t let my post scare you. Just go see the priest ASAP and tell him the whole story.
 
…yeah, my husband tried this one, too. (No, I’ll never leave my Faith. Period.)

I’m sure your wife has been shocked by your sudden, dramatic demand. I mean, you’re not asking to start a family “meal blessing” or “evening prayer ritual”. You’re basically asking that she walk away from her faith of a lifetime, and the children of their lifetime, and the church that they know, just because you’ve made a decision, for the moment, to be a “better Catholic”. True, you may persevere in a lifetime reversion and go forward to live your faith fully for the rest of your days. But from where she’s sittin’, you were RC in childhood, easily lapsed, sorta surged when the kids were born but lapsed again…and now you’re saying it’s all or nothing for everyone? I don’t blame her for her doubt when you have not, yourself, walked the walk for any appreciable, consistent time. If the RCC is where you belong, then stop asking/demanding things of others and just WALK YOUR WALK.

Perhaps once you’ve demonstrated a steady, unconditional life of faith, she’d be open to exposing the children. However I completely understand her reticence, since she will be the one left to explain “Daddy’s religious schizophrenia” if your newly-found, zeal-since-the-Easter-vigil should fizzle out.

I wouldn’t worry so much about joining a parish ‘club’ or working at parish fish fries at the moment. That’s fun, and social…but not so much on the spiritual edification side. Schedule a sit-down with your priest, as others have suggested. Get your personal life in order - prayer rule, readings, fasting, etc. Seek his help in developing a very basic, non-confrontational daily family ritual, such as morning/evening prayers, meal blessings, a daily reading, a saint’s life, an icon/prayer corner…it does not have to scream “CATHOLIC”, either. Start very small, emphasizing your wish that the whole family grow together towards God, without stating a particular church. In the meantime, carry on your own private devotions & RCC life without clubbing your wife over the head with it. Occasionally invite her to participate, or to discuss some aspect of faith in a neutral way (“faith” meaning “mystical” realm, not “earthly church rules”). But you can. not. drag. her. into. your. church. You will fracture, if not destroy, your marriage if you try to force her or coerce her (likewise with involving the children).

And don’t make the meeting with your priest a one-off experience. See him regularly for spiritual direction.

As for your wife/family…marriage counseling may help you both discuss this (obviously painful-for-both) impasse and find ways for the family to continue without constant conflict/tension. I would recommend a neutral counselor, not either person’s pastor.

I hope this doesn’t come off as too harsh. But having been broadsided, HARD, by my husband after many years of happy family life, I am a study in “how NOT to do it”. Avoid his mistakes! 🙂

Best wishes!
 
This is a tough situation, my husband and I were both raised Catholic, although neither of our families really attended mass regularly. His family would go back and forth between Catholic and Protestant. Well as time and struggles went on in our marraige he suggested that we start attending this Protestant church. We went there for about 5 years, during which time our youngest child was born. As soon as she was born I kept having the desire to baptize her in the Catholic church but went along and had her dedicated in the church we were attending (the whole time feeling that there was something missing). Meanwhile I kept praying that God lead me to what I was suppose to do and the desire in my heart to go back to the Catholic church kept getting stronger. Finally I told my husband “this Easter Sunday I want to go to Mass” he said " fine but I won’t be joining you and I’m taking the two older children to church with me". Well that Sunday morning came and he left to church and I was getting myself and the two younger girls ready for Mass when he returns about 1/2 hour later. I asked him why he was back so early and he said "I believe you are right, we are suppose to go to Mass and back to the Catholic church. " He said that when he got to the church, the pastor asked where I was and my husband told him I was going to the Catholic church for Mass. The pastor told him “if you let her do that then I guarentee your marriage will be over within a year. It is your responsibility to tell her where she is to attend”. Well that didn’t sit well with my husband at all so we went to mass together as a family. I will never regret our decision and btw we were only married by justice of the peace until 3 years ago. 3 years ago we got married in our church and it just feels like we are finally in communion with each other as well as with our church family. We’ve been married going on 26 years and feel very blessed.
 
sonbell said:
This is a tough situation, my husband and I were both raised Catholic, although neither of our families really attended mass regularly. His family would go back and forth between Catholic and Protestant. Well as time and struggles went on in our marraige he suggested that we start attending this Protestant church. We went there for about 5 years, during which time our youngest child was born. As soon as she was born I kept having the desire to baptize her in the Catholic church but went along and had her dedicated in the church we were attending (the whole time feeling that there was something missing). Meanwhile I kept praying that God lead me to what I was suppose to do and the desire in my heart to go back to the Catholic church kept getting stronger. Finally I told my husband “this Easter Sunday I want to go to Mass” he said " fine but I won’t be joining you and I’m taking the two older children to church with me". Well that Sunday morning came and he left to church and I was getting myself and the two younger girls ready for Mass when he returns about 1/2 hour later. I asked him why he was back so early and he said "I believe you are right, we are suppose to go to Mass and back to the Catholic church. " He said that when he got to the church, the pastor asked where I was and my husband told him I was going to the Catholic church for Mass. The pastor told him “if you let her do that then I guarantee your marriage will be over within a year. It is your responsibility to tell her where she is to attend”. Well that didn’t sit well with my husband at all so we went to mass together as a family. I will never regret our decision and btw we were only married by justice of the peace until 3 years ago. 3 years ago we got married in our church and it just feels like we are finally in communion with each other as well as with our church family. We’ve been married going on 26 years and feel very blessed.
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👍:clapping::dancing:

I love it! You just never know how the Holy Spirit is going to speak to someone!

🙂
 
booey99 said:
I want to become involved in the church, join the Knights of Columbus, work at fish fry’s etc.
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Don’t take this in the wrong way, but this type of involvement is a dated leftover from 35+ years’ ago.

If you want a better way to get involved and show your wife a different side of the church, volunteer with a religious order or other Catholic organization.

Faith in action speaks far more words than just saying to your wife that you want her to be Catholic with you.
 
JoyIsLikeRain said:
Don’t take this in the wrong way, but this type of involvement is a dated leftover from 35+ years’ ago.

If you want a better way to get involved and show your wife a different side of the church, volunteer with a religious order or other Catholic organization.

Faith in action speaks far more words than just saying to your wife that you want her to be Catholic with you.
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I agree that faith in action (like visiting the sick or making sandwiches for the poor) is a great example of Christianity.

However, I disagree that the KOC and other volunteer activities in the parish are an outdated leftover from 35 yrs. ago.

Getting involved in the parishes’ volunteer activities with his wife might make her feel welcome but also let her get to know and be friends with Catholics. Volunteering with the parish family is taking part in the of the body of Christ!

We need to do both!
 
My husband took the kids to Mass without me. He set a great example for me. We were married for 5 years before I started going with him. Then I would sit in the pew during communion and HUNGER. The next Easter I became Catholic. 😃

Don’t lose hope! Keep praying for your wife. I will add her to my prayers as well.
Steph
 
That’s one of the pitfalls of a “mixed marriage,” as it used to be referred.

My husband is Lutheran, I’m Catholic (cradle, never strayed away.) We were married in the Catholic Church. God did not see fit to give us any live children.

For awhile, at holidays we alternated going to each other’s liturgy. However, early (2:30 AM) one Christmas morning, after attending the midnight service in his Lutheran church, we nearly got kicked out of a Denny’s restaurant while we were having a very spirited (and I’m afraid, very loud) argument about the doctrine of the transubstantiation.

After that incident, we agreed to disagree on the subject of our mutual theologic differences, we agreed not to proselytize each other, and we agreed to live and let live. After all, we are both followers of Christ, and while I might feel genuine sorrow at the fact that my beloved husband is stuck at the theologic salad bar while I get to gorge myself at the theologic ten-course banquet, salvation after all is still salvation.

We’ve agreed to live and let live. He goes to his church, and I go to mine. We occasionally will attend the liturgies of each other (we don’t receive communion at each other’s liturgy, though.)

I leave my copy of the catechism laying around. My husband is a compulsive reader. He reads cereal boxes at the breakfast table! Even though he’s never asked me anything about it, I’ve noticed that when I have to work and he’s home, the catechism is in a different position than it was when I left the house.

I’m shrewd enough to avoid mentioning to him that all salvation comes from the Catholic Church. Even to Protestants (they don’t have horns, they just have rice cakes while we have the whole tamale, theologically speaking, but it doesn’t pay to try to cram Catholicism down my husband’s throat!)

The Holy Spirit needs room to work, and doesn’t need me to be cluttering up the worksite!

And every night I pray a stanza of a hymn from my own First Communion:

For all Thy Church, O Lord, we intercede
Make Thou our lack of charity to cease
Draw us the nearer each to each we plead
By drawing all to Thee, O Prince of Peace
Soon may we all one bread, one body be
Through this Blest Sacrament of unity.
 
Thank you all for your replies (even if it wasn’t what I necessarily wanted to hear). They have helped me a lot. It’s very reassuring to know that there are others that are experiencing this type of thing in their lives. I appreciate the prayers and I will pray for all of you as well.

At this point, I think I’ll attend both her worship service and Mass each week. I agree that my actions will speak louder than my words. Hopefully over time, I can show her how the Catholic Church has improved my relationship with God as well as improve me as a husband, father and person. In my opinion, a lot of my wife’s negative thoughts about the Catholic Church are based on stereoptypes and things that other people have told her. I’d like for her to just talk to a priest, come to Mass a few times or read books on the Catholic faith, like Rome Sweet Rome that was mentioned. That sounds like a great book by the way… Might have to get it for myself. 🙂 If she actually got to know more about it, I think she may warm up to the idea, although I know whatever happens is going to take time.

On another note, a few of you mentioned how the Catholic Mass is so fulfilling compared to when you have gone to Protestant services. I totally agree with this. I’m sure this comes with a little bias, but the Mass has so much substance to it compared to other worship services that I’ve experienced. The Mass is actively worshipping God instead of just singing a few songs and having a sermon. For a long time now, I’ve been yearning to go to Mass during the week. It’s just “satisfying” to me, for lack of a better term.

I would like to talk to a priest like many mentioned. However, I’ve never actually had to talk to a priest for these types of life issues before. How do I go about this, especially if I’m not a member of the parish yet? Do I just call up the church office and say I need to talk to a priest about some family/membership issues? I’m just not sure how to approach this.

Thanks again for all of the responses and welcomes.
 
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