T
TeresaAnn
Guest
A bit of background… I’m a mother of 4 boys and have been longing to be a Nun (when the boys grow up) for a while now since having an awaking of sorts. I having trying to improve my relationship with the Lord and learning and praying. I read like crazy and have been going to church 4-5 week. I posted earlier about meeting with my priest about it which went well. He offered to connect me with a spiritual director (a local nun) which I was very excited about because I have an interest in their order.
I have known this priest for years and he knows about my abusive failed marriage (he married us) and some other struggles and victories I have had along the way. In this meeting I told him I was just about to see a therapist, and would be starting right from childhood when I was sexually abused. This was news to him.
He left me with the message… tackle this from all angles and deal with it first. As far as being called to be a nun, in time it will be revealed. This sounded like the right response to me.
Then I met the Therapist and memories emerged, pain and I had a glimpse of how this had formed my sense of self worth. It crushed it causing a bad series of events in my life. It hit me pretty hard.
The week following the appointment I was pretty sensitive and was pretty low. Walking to church one day I see my ex husband laying around in the park with a new girlfriend. That hurt more than usual. I hear from my two middle sons that they had run into them as well as my dad. Each instance took a chip out of me. My youngest son was supposed to go to the ex’s baseball game to be with him. I stayed around for a bit and see them all playing together like a happy family. I couldn’t handle it. I made a bit of a scene (very unlike me) and took my son home.
The two two prior nights I had been begging God to give me anything, just a spark of a feeling or anything at all to let me know that he loved me, I really needed to know. Nothing came.
After the scene, I was pretty desperate. I got on my shoes and went for a three hour walk. I had a grey fog over my mind and no matter how much I tried to think of other things ideas of ways to kill myself kept springing up in my mind. I would never do it but I was afraid. I almost went to the hospital to see if they could give me anything to calm it down. When I got home from my walk at about 11pm my sons tell me that the 3rd one had left the house 10min earlier upset. I sent the two older ones out walking together to look for him and I drove. I found him in 10min. He and his bigger brother had been fighting and he said he had a flashback to a time when his Dad abused him when I wasn’t there. This is the first he had talked to me about it! When everyone was home I talked to them all and explained that they had learned bad ways from their father and we needed to get them help. They agreed.
I have realized through discussion with my Mom that because I am new to “hearing” God and don’t do it all that well, he had to kind of hit me over the head with his message.
He wants me to put all my efforts into healing the boys and my self right now and he wants me to stop daydreaming about becoming a nun.
I partially know this because I have a semi-darkness inside about my religious life right now. I almost feel abandoned. I still pray and try to get to church as much as possible, at least on sundays. I thank Him in my prayers because I feel he is holding back the feelings I used to have just to make sure I stay on track for a bit. I hope it won’t be too long. I miss him.
It has pushed me to concentrate on us more. I found a program for the boys, started exercising again which really affects me.
I hope he still wants me in the future, all I know is I want to live by his will.
Teresa
I have known this priest for years and he knows about my abusive failed marriage (he married us) and some other struggles and victories I have had along the way. In this meeting I told him I was just about to see a therapist, and would be starting right from childhood when I was sexually abused. This was news to him.
He left me with the message… tackle this from all angles and deal with it first. As far as being called to be a nun, in time it will be revealed. This sounded like the right response to me.
Then I met the Therapist and memories emerged, pain and I had a glimpse of how this had formed my sense of self worth. It crushed it causing a bad series of events in my life. It hit me pretty hard.
The week following the appointment I was pretty sensitive and was pretty low. Walking to church one day I see my ex husband laying around in the park with a new girlfriend. That hurt more than usual. I hear from my two middle sons that they had run into them as well as my dad. Each instance took a chip out of me. My youngest son was supposed to go to the ex’s baseball game to be with him. I stayed around for a bit and see them all playing together like a happy family. I couldn’t handle it. I made a bit of a scene (very unlike me) and took my son home.
The two two prior nights I had been begging God to give me anything, just a spark of a feeling or anything at all to let me know that he loved me, I really needed to know. Nothing came.
After the scene, I was pretty desperate. I got on my shoes and went for a three hour walk. I had a grey fog over my mind and no matter how much I tried to think of other things ideas of ways to kill myself kept springing up in my mind. I would never do it but I was afraid. I almost went to the hospital to see if they could give me anything to calm it down. When I got home from my walk at about 11pm my sons tell me that the 3rd one had left the house 10min earlier upset. I sent the two older ones out walking together to look for him and I drove. I found him in 10min. He and his bigger brother had been fighting and he said he had a flashback to a time when his Dad abused him when I wasn’t there. This is the first he had talked to me about it! When everyone was home I talked to them all and explained that they had learned bad ways from their father and we needed to get them help. They agreed.
I have realized through discussion with my Mom that because I am new to “hearing” God and don’t do it all that well, he had to kind of hit me over the head with his message.
He wants me to put all my efforts into healing the boys and my self right now and he wants me to stop daydreaming about becoming a nun.
I partially know this because I have a semi-darkness inside about my religious life right now. I almost feel abandoned. I still pray and try to get to church as much as possible, at least on sundays. I thank Him in my prayers because I feel he is holding back the feelings I used to have just to make sure I stay on track for a bit. I hope it won’t be too long. I miss him.
It has pushed me to concentrate on us more. I found a program for the boys, started exercising again which really affects me.
I hope he still wants me in the future, all I know is I want to live by his will.
Teresa
Keep Him front and center in your life and let Him guide you. He knows what you need, and if you remain open to His will, and He still wants you to a be nun, He’ll let you know. Right now, just focus on taking care of your emotional stability (which is necessary if you become a nun). It’s a good thing that you are exercising because there have been studies that have proven, time and again, that exercise increases serotonin levels which affect mood. Not only will it make you feel better, but your health will improve! 
:hug1: