God does not love me. He is not perfect

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Domiy

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My depression has made me nothing but wiser on my faith.

Why do we do evil things? Because we become evil people. We are born into terrible circumstances, or suffer terrible treatment to the point that abuse of power, worldly pleasure, lying, stealing, killing etc become the only way for some of us to cope. Yes, even if we believe in God or try to offer ourselves to him. A few warm and fuzzies will not make the pain go away.

I followed God all through my younger years, and it was bad for me. It stalled my self-improvement and self-awareness to the point that I was completely lost on who I am. I still feel like this even today. Sin is the only way I find some sense of relief to cope. All the years I gave to God mean nothing. He is now gone when I need him the most. His love for me was not unconditional. It was completely 100% conditional.

It no longer makes sense. I observe all my friends and family, the ones who taught me to follow the faith devoutly. And all the best things in their life came about because they sinned. They went out, lived their own life, and did not let God dictate the major decisions of their life. They did not let the bible stop them from doing things which they thought were good for them. And they’re happy now. They have a marriage, a family, friends, a job, direction, and a purpose to live. I have none of these things, because I was too busy giving everything to God expecting everything will be OK if I follow his word. It wasn’t.

The only reason I have to live is fear of Hell. This is the only thing stopping me from seriously contemplating ending my own life. My parents and siblings are abusive and inconsiderate. They don’t respect me. I’m so lonely and neglected that any girl I try to talk to gets petrified because I eventually come off too needy or nice. Everything that happens is assumed to be my fault. Nobody gives me the benefit of the doubt or understands my concerns. I want this to stop not only because it’s doing me harm, but because I can’t stand seeing them find pleasure in my suffering anymore. I feel like ending my own life is the only thing which will make them wake up. It will make them better people, for they will learn a priceless lesson. Maybe this will help them in the future with their own kids. If it’s not me, it’s going to be someone else they love.

I just can’t stand this emotional pain any more. It hurts so much every single day. I feel like I’m in a bad dream, and there’s only 1 way to wake up. How could this happen? God is not perfect. Maybe he had some purpose or plan for me to suffer so I could acheive something great. But it didn’t quite work out. The suffering has only pushed me away from him and the faith. I can’t even find the motivation to eat right or brush my teeth, let alone laying in my bed praying to a God who has abandoned me. God’s plan was ****. Maybe it will work out 99 times out of 100, but this is not perfection.

I have started to question whether this world will be any different without me. It will not. My hundreds, probably thousands of friends, family and acquintances will definitely shed tears for me, too little too late. They will eventually get over it somehow. What they will not get over is the ongoing frustration and drama that ensues in my life and to everyone around me as a result of my existence. This will stay with them forever, and it may make those who love me most even sadder to see me constantly failing and miserable.

Maybe when I die they’ll finally realize how much they loved me. They’ll finally take a moment from their own lives and stop to realize the pain I was in. Maybe 1 day on this earth will pass, on the day of my funeral, when something is finally about me. People will wake with me on their minds, and they will change their schedule for my sake. They will shed a tear for me. They will mourn and miss me. And honestly, this is the only way I feel that I’ll have any sense of worth, even if it comes when I’m dead. I’ll finally be loved and cared for, and those that were most abusive to me will learn to be better people. Yet God will not let me do this, because I will be eternally dammned forever. He will not let me out of this nightmare. This failed attempt at a life. This dysfunctional, frustrated, neglected and disgusting series of events that is my life. Nope, I’m stuck here for the long run, and I will only make this world a worse place…
 
Dear Domiy,

I am very sorry to hear about the many difficulties you have faced and are facing still. For what it is worth, I will keep you in my Rosary intentions for the next 9 days. Also, you can pm me if you like.

In this life, we will never fully comprehend the “mystery of iniquity.” God can give us sufficient light to know that He is Goodness Itself, but we cannot possibly exhaust the mysteries of God’s Providence, which seeks to bestow upon us the Supreme Good, namely, God Himself. If we possess God; if we are in a state of grace, we possess All. “Do you not actually possess all things, if you have Him who possesses all?” (Peter de Blois, Serm. 42, in fest. Omnium Sanct. II, col. 691)

If you look with the eyes of faith, you will see that everything which separates us from God, is evil and therefore to be shunned. If we cast a glance superficially at those around us, it may seem that many godless individuals are happy; but such happiness is false if it is founded on sin and selfishness. Sin can never make us truly happy; with sin comes a deeper emptiness and frustration, as well as remorse, a hardened heart, and inescapable (just) punishment, either here or hereafter.

In the revelations of St. Bridget of Sweden, Our Lord says that He permits certain individuals to experience earthly ‘joys’, because He foresees that they will reject Him; they will ultimately choose self over God, and will therefore be eternally frustrated with their decision. Don’t be one of these unfortunate souls, of whom Jesus says: “I showed you all the love I could in order to make you turn to me. However, since you have turned away from me, you deserve to be sentenced, because you scorned mercy. However, I am still so merciful that, if it were possible for me to die again, for your sake I would again endure the same torment I once endured on the cross rather than see you sentenced to such a sentence. Justice, however, says that it is impossible for me to die again, even if mercy tells me to want to die for your sake again, if it were possible.” (Jesus to St. Bridget of Sweden, Book 2, Ch 12)

You say that God’s love was “100% conditional.” That is not only blasphemous; it is logically impossible; God’s love is the cause of goodness in His creation. Without God it is not possible for human beings - who merely participate in being/existence - to so much as think a good thought (of themselves). Much less, then, can we love God or our neighbour - unaided by grace. Any goodness in us is a gift from God. “Everything is grace.” (St. Therese)

This world will certainly be worse off without you.** “Each soul is a matchless treasure to Me.” (Jesus to Sr. Mary of the Holy Trinity). Jesus died for you. Was it because of any pre-existing goodness in you? Impossible; every good we have comes from God. Was it because God needed you in order to be happy? Impossible; He is infinitely perfect. No, God created and redeemed you because He loves you; Love is the cause of your existence, and it is the reason for which you were created. To seek God is the purpose of our existence, even if it means denying ourselves. “Who would harm you if you sought nothing but good? … If then you return to Me, who am your Principle, as the rivers return to the sea from which they came, you will enjoy perpetual happiness, because you will live in Me – Who am the Life of your soul and your Sovereign Good.”** (God the Father to St. Mary Magdalen de Pazzi)

God still loves you. It may hard in the beginning, but if you turn to Him in prayer, He will gradually bring you the peace and joy that the world cannot give. Turn to your Our Lady, Consoler of the Afflicted, and she will help you; she will console you, she who endured more suffering at the foot of the Cross than any of us will ever have to bear.

An anecdote from St. Alphonsus:

“The devout Father John Tauler relates this personal experience: For years he had prayed God to send him someone who would teach him the real spiritual life. One day, at prayer, he heard a voice saying: “Go to such and such a church and you will have the answer to your prayers.” He went and at the door of the church he found a beggar, barefooted and in rags. He greeted the mendicant saying: “Good day, my friend.”

“Thank you, sir, for your kind wishes, but I do not recall ever having had a ‘bad’ day.”

“Then God has certainly given you a very happy life.”

“That is very true, sir. I have never been unhappy. In saying this I am not making any rash statement either. This is the reason: When I have nothing to eat, I give thanks to God; when it rains or snows, I bless God’s providence; when someone insults me, drives me away, or otherwise mistreats me, I give glory to God. I said I’ve never had an unhappy day, and it’s the truth, because I am accustomed to will unreservedly what God wills. Whatever happens to me, sweet or bitter, I gladly receive from his hands as what is best for me. Hence my unvarying happiness.”

“Where did you find God?”

“I found him where I left creatures.”

“Who are you anyway?”

“I am a king.”

“And where is your kingdom?”

“In my soul, where everything is in good order; where the passions obey reason, and reason obeys God.”

“How have you come to such a state of perfection?”

“By silence. I practice silence towards men, while I cultivate the habit of speaking with God. Conversing with God is the way I found and maintain my peace of soul.”

Union with God brought this poor beggar to the very heights of perfection. In his poverty he was richer than the mightiest monarch; in his sufferings, he was vastly happier than worldlings amid their worldly delights.”

Pax Domine!
 
I too suffer from depression. For years it went undiagnosed and a charismatic religious background made things worse by my associating an incessant inner critic with the voice of God. I tried to cope with it on my own until I realized I couldn’t and sought help. It doesn’t make one weaker. I still get angry at God and resentful for those “wasted years” but have come to see that I’m fighting my own disordered nature. Emotions won’t define me. Finding a vision or dream to work toward can help begin to make things better. Building a supportive friend network is important to both self management and personal well being. Praying for you.
 
I’m sorry for what you’re going through.

Believe me, I’ve gone through what you’re going through. While the stuff I was put through was pretty insignificant (and actually helped me in the long run) compared to what others have to go through, at about age ten or eleven, I honestly imagined myself laying in the kitchen floor with a knife wound in my chest, my family around me as they cried while I told them all the horrible things they did to me, which honestly, weren’t that horrible. I’m not saying that’s the case with you, I don’t know your circumstances; they may be a lot more abusive than the couple rounds of yelling I had to endure throughout the last few years. I imagined one of the people who yelled at me coming in the room and seeing me hanged.I tried to suffocate myself twice, but I never had it in me to knock myself out. I was angry at God for not stopping them from doing it.

Trust me, God loves you more than you can know. You are His son, and He is probably very hurt that you think this way about Him. Go to a priest and talk to him about how you feel, but please don’t take your own life, no matter how worthless or angry you feel. You’ve begun to question whether this world would be any different without you; how can that be when your death would make others better people? If your death can make people better, imagine how much better they will be because of your life. Your example to them by leading a holy life and persevering through hardship will help them more than you can know.

It’s hard. Take your suffering to God, tell Him how you feel, and trust Him. You can’t expect Him to just take away your suffering, but you have to have hope and trust in Him, and you will be rewarded.

Keep fighting, my friend. I know you can do it if you trust in God and work with the Holy Spirit. I’ll be praying for you.
 
Domiy, you will not help your self by digging your pit deeper. God is not the source of your problems. This is not how He works. You are old enough to get some faith going for yourself. Myself, I’m a slow starter. I didn’t even understand faith until I was 38, but then, no one explained. But once I was born again, it started coming together. God responds to positive faith and not complaining and negative words. Many years later, I started getting painful arthritis in my right hand. Now this could really hamper my work as a carpenter, but I didn’t let the devil get me down and tell me that this is the family disease and your mom suffered from it from a young age so bla bla bla. I said that I was healed by the blood of Jesus and kept on saying positive words until about in 6 months it was gone. God will respond to positive faith. He will prosper you as your soul prospers. 2John.v.2. Don’t keep considering the junk in your past. St.Paul said, “but this one thing I do, forgetting those things that are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before…” Phil.3:13. Don’t reach a plateau and stop learning. Keep pressing forward. I think you may find this testimony inspiring.youtube.com/watch?v=3UOJTBUsfTA&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Shalom,
Jerry
 
josephback said:
I too suffer from depression. For years it went undiagnosed and a charismatic religious background made things worse by my associating an incessant inner critic with the voice of God. I tried to cope with it on my own until I realized I couldn’t and sought help. It doesn’t make one weaker. I still get angry at God and resentful for those “wasted years” but have come to see that I’m fighting my own disordered nature. Emotions won’t define me. Finding a vision or dream to work toward can help begin to make things better. Building a supportive friend network is important to both self management and personal well being. Praying for you.
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Joseph is right on. You need a vision. Of course, you have wanted many things for yourself, but God is not into just giving us things. The one thing He desires is a personal relationship with you. That’s what He saved you for, not the things. “Delight yourself in the Lord; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust in Him; and He shall bring it to pass.” Ps. 37:4,5. All the things you need in life are an overflow of knowing Him. In this time God is getting ready to use the “outcast” and the unwanted. Check out this video. youtube.com/watch?v=n0b4Ap-r8cc&feature=youtube_gdata_player
 
God’s ways are not our own…He really does and always has loved you…He loves everyone and if He didn’t than He would not have created some of the people that He did…

Sometimes, God will allow certain sinful actions so that good may come out of them, so if your family has any truly good thing that they would not have if they had not sinned, than that is why. Some sins, like fornication are twisted versions of something good and God can bring forth from what goodness there can be within that sin (in this example, potential deeper emotional bonding and potential procreation.)

And God does not want anyone to go to Hell. He didn’t even want Satan to go to Hell and still loves him to this day, as He loves all of His creation. When a person goes to Hell, it’s because they chose it by their mortal sins. Mortal sin leaves a spirit dead (even if you can’t feel it) and dead spirits do not get into Heaven and nor do they want to, as they hate God. I’ve felt this in my own spirit one time when it was dead–half of it shrouded in shadow and the other half going on about wanting to serve Satan…It was scary…

I’m praying for you…
 
take a step back. Sometimes all you need is a new perspective of what’s going on without having emotion cloud your senses
 
There was a man I knew who was so depressed and broken that he thought the only answer was suicide. He was so certain that God had abandoned him that he found no reason to live. So he decided to jump off a bridge. He said that when he got half way down, he instantly regretted it and wished he hadn’t. Amazingly, he survived (obviously or else I couldn’t tell you his story) and God didn’t abandon him. Don’t give up. God is carrying you In His arms right now, that’s why you only see one set of foot prints in the sand on the beach that is your life 😉 they’re not your own footprints, they’re His. He’s with you. I’m praying for you
 
I read about a third of your post.

I am in a similar situation, and have resolved to try again to get medical treatment for depression.

Try to identify problems and work to fix them, even ‘small’ things like cleaning your room, organizing your life, eating healthy, and getting medical treatment.

Even if it were the case that the Catholic Church is wrong about God, it’s still worth living to try to make the world a better place, so you can set goals in that direction as well.
 
Why are you in a “rut” of thinking “What’s the use”
living for God, there is NO ADVANTAGE in that?
It’s the DEVIL who put those thots into your mind,
remember what Paul said about the “fiery darts” of
the Enemy of our souls(Eph.6), you have come to
the conclusion that God DOESN’T care about you.
That is a lie straight from hell!! God is infinitely
interested in what happens to ALL His children
(Ps. 139) His thots about us are more than the sand
of the sea!! May He show you that satan USES
God’s laws and commandments to hurt us, and if
we feared God’s laws and commandments, we CAN
be free of the dread of God’s judgments. The solution
is to SUBMIT to God’s will and RESIST the devil,
AND HE WILL FLEE from you!!(James 4:7)

St. Michael the archangel, defend us in battle,
be our defense against the snares and wickedness
of the devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray,
and do, O prince of the heavenly host, by the power
of God cast into hell satan and all evil spirits who
prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls!!
Amen.-
 
Never trust any of the thoughts that depression gives you. I have been there, and still am there now. It lies constantly. Someone said that normally when we’re sad we see the world through a grey veil, which lifts after a while. But when we’re depressed, it’s reversed. We think that everything is grey, and that brief moments of happiness are just a delusion–a veil of color that briefly makes existence bearable and then goes away.

Find something to accomplish today and do it. Tidying up, doing laundry, doing 10 pushups, reading 1 chapter of a book, or any one of hundreds of other things all count. It doesn’t matter how small it may seem because they all have equal importance. The point isn’t the goal itself; it’s the act of accomplishing it.
 
Sorry that you’re so down. I question God’s love sometimes myself because he sure has a funny way of showing it at times. but I do think he will show his love more in the future. At least I sure hope so! But if it wasn’t for God the good times wouldn’t be possible. So for that I am thankful.
 
littlestsouls2 said:
An anecdote from St. Alphonsus:
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Peace be with you Brother/sister Domiy.

I would point out this to your attention. Go through it and think about it.

This beggar (Mendicant) thanked God for all the things that happened to him. In our eyes these things would be bad. e.g. No food, rain/snow, insults and evictions etc. Still as he thanked and gave glory to God, he found happiness, peace and richness.

I, too, thank God for all my failings as well as successes. Thus, I am at peace with both. Try this and may you find God’s peace.

Dominus vobiscum.
 
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