God has pushed me away so hard, I feel I can't even return

[Domiy]

It’s almost as if he’s given up on me, or dare I say punishing me. I’ve lost everything, including the will to do anything except sit around all day in agony.

I’ve been suffering from an ongoing illness (non-life threatening) which has now elevated to an extreme level. I’ve been in and out of hospital due to the pain. It hurts so much, all the time. Doctors are unable to find a clear diagnosis, and traditional painkillers or symptom management is not an option. It’s forced me to cut-out essentially everything from my diet; dairy, meat, bread, and coffee, and a long-list of fruits and vegetables. Not much I can eat. I’ve lost a considerable amount of weight as a result.

I had to quit my job in the interests of myself and my employer, after labouring all year to finally find a job and kick-start my career. My family is going away for the weekend, and I’m unfit to go with them. All of this has obviously taken a toll on my social life as well.

I’m 24 years old. Dare I say, these are the years of my life for living. I want to travel, progress in my career, invest in doing something I love, and so on.

Am I supposed to thank God for taking all of that away from me? I’m ill able to fathom how he could possibly be thinking “I want this to happen. This is my will. I have a plan”. Dare I say, his plan is extremely painful and neglecting. I feel like kindly requesting to be exempt from his plan, and let me live my own life without the agony and depression that he’s cornered me into, even though I’ve worked so hard to keep my life on track.

So, this is me. Far from God. The harder I knock, the further he pushes me away. It’s less destructive simply not to knock anymore.

 

[Mystical_Seeker]

Nothing wrong with not wanting it.

Jesus asked His cup be removed, and frankly I’m not sure that when He said “why have you forsaken Me” it wasn’t at the exact time he realized the answer was to be “no”.

Just a thought – no idea whether it’s right and no valid way to prove it.

There can be spiritual advantages to suffering in the flesh, but whether this suffering is to be long term is something very important to humans, especially ones like you and me who are disabled but would love to help ourselves. Also I believe it is possible to suffer without spiritual advantage, or at least without realizing that advantage in a noticeable way during life.

There is a saying God helps those who help themselves. Maybe so, but why do they need help anyway? God clearly helps those who are not able to help themselves, or we may as well pack up and forget about God entirely.

Without knowing the specifics, I’ll just leave you with a punch line of “seek first the things of the kingdom” and see what goes from there.

Problem is, seeking things of the kingdom is where it gets complicated for the mind, and frustrating for the heart that the mind and what it has been programmed to run interference from its ability to nurture, much less exemplify, the seed of God that is planted therein. But if that mindset can be destroyed by any of several ways – which always involves some sort of suffering if to nothing else than the ego – that opens the door for the healing of the Holy Spirit, aka the Divine Therapist.

 

[fred_conty]

I can’t think of any possible thing to say to comfort you. What you are going thru is horrific and I am deeply moved at your suffering.

I can however offer you a little direction to make your suffering worthwhile. Just for one day, tell Jesus you love him and accept this for those who have lost or are losing their souls to hell. Beg him for their salvation. Offer to your Father in heaven your pain, uniting it with his beloved son Jesus’ suffering.

Your suffering will do so much good for others for our Father always answers a prayer of this nature…in more ways than one.

 

[Dorothy]

I can’t think of any possible thing to say to comfort you. What you are going thru is horrific and I am deeply moved at your suffering.

I can however offer you a little direction to make your suffering worthwhile. Just for one day, tell Jesus you love him and accept this for those who have lost or are losing their souls to hell. Beg him for their salvation. Offer to your Father in heaven your pain, uniting it with his beloved son Jesus’ suffering.

Your suffering will do so much good for others for our Father always answers a prayer of this nature…in more ways than one.

Amen!

 

[St_Francis]

St Teresa of Avila is said to have complained to God: “Dear Lord, if this is how You treat Your friends, it is no wonder You have so few!”

Imagine if Bill Gates had chosen someone for a very intensive, very high-level course which would allow you to become a trillionaire. A lot of people would like this, and double-down on the work, eschewing other things in their lives so that they could focus on this project.

God has chosen you for an intensive, high-level course in holiness, so that you can become a saint. Yeah, it is the pits. But far from abandoning you, God is just on the other side of the door, waiting for you to knock and ask for His help, not in getting rid of the problem but in being able to be this sick person.

It’s awful: you didn’t chose this for yourself. You didn’t want it. You didn’t want to be sick, you didn’t want to be a burden; you didn’t want to be so different from everyone–I gather all this from your post.

But here you are. And from my experience and the experience of others, fighting it will only hurt you. Learning to live with it and use it for the spiritual benefit of yourself and of others will actually ease the pain.

I will pray for you.

 

[seagal]

I am so sorry for what you are and have been going through. Let me assure you, God is not pushing you away. You asked if you’re supposed to thank him for taking your suffering away from you. The answer is no. You’re supposed to thank him for giving it to you. That sounds perverse, but Christians are supposed to bless the Lord at **all **times, not just the good times.

I found a very good article about rejoicing in suffering. It’s by a protestant minister, but the theology is good. I hope you read it.

raystedman.org/new-testament/romans/rejoicing-in-suffering

There is a beautiful prayer at the end. I hope you read it, and I hope you pray the prayer, even if you don’t feel it. I’m praying for you.

 

[pocaracas]

An illness that causes pain, but which renders standard pain killers useless? Wow!
I was going to say something about chronic pain and… heck, maybe it’s relevant. I’ll just post a few links with info on the subject.

Research is ongoing on that subject… despair not!
webmd.com/pain-management/features/chronic-pain-new-research-new-treatments
news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2015/01/breakthrough-on-chronic-pain/

But yeah… I can’t imagine what it’s like to be in pain 24/7 and know it’s not related to any actual or obvious physical malady…

Perhaps acupuncture can help relieve some of it? Have you tried it? health.harvard.edu/blog/acupuncture-is-worth-a-try-for-chronic-pain-201304016042

Music is also known to help a bit… not much… but helps youtube.com/watch?v=QZbuj3RJcjI

 

[Irishmom2]

It’s almost as if he’s given up on me, or dare I say punishing me. I’ve lost everything, including the will to do anything except sit around all day in agony.

I am sorry for your pain. I hope that they can find a diagnosis for you. But God has not given up on you. It sounds like you have given up on him. Has it occurred to you that he is trying to draw you nearer to Him? Or that this is His way of getting your attention?

Am I supposed to thank God for taking all of that away from me? Well yes, actually you are. We are to thank God for all things, even our pain and even those things we do not understand.

I’m ill able to fathom how he could possibly be thinking “I want this to happen. This is my will. I have a plan”. It is not our job to understand everything or to question everything. We are supposed to accept and bear our crosses, perhaps asking for the strength to bear them, but always believing that God knows best.

Dare I say, his plan is extremely painful and neglecting. I feel like kindly requesting to be exempt from his plan, and let me live my own life without the agony and depression that he’s cornered me into, even though I’ve worked so hard to keep my life on track.

So, this is me. Far from God. There is a saying: “If you feel far from God, who moved away?”

The harder I knock, the further he pushes me away. It’s less destructive simply not to knock anymore. Maybe you should stop pounding on the door and instead, wait to hear God’s response. You sound a bit impatient.

 

[JM3]

Litany of the Holy Spirit

Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy.
Lord, have mercy.

Father all powerful, Have mercy on us.
Jesus, Eternal Son of the Father, Redeemer of the world, Save us.
Spirit of the Father and the Son, boundless Life of both, Sanctify us.
Holy Trinity, Hear us.

Holy Spirit, Who proceeds from the Father and the Son, enter our hearts.
Holy Spirit, Who is equal to the Father and the Son, enter our hearts.
Promise of God the Father, have mercy on us.

Author of all good, Have mercy on us
Consuming Fire, Have mercy on us
Ardent Charity, Have mercy on us
Spirit of truth and wisdom, Have mercy on us
Spirit of holiness and justice, Have mercy on us
Spirit of understanding and counsel, Have mercy on us
Spirit of love and joy, Have mercy on us
Spirit of peace and patience, Have mercy on us
Spirit of longanimity and meekness, Have mercy on us
Spirit of benignity and goodness, Have mercy on us
Love substantial of the Father and the Son, Have mercy on us
Love and life of saintly souls, Have mercy on us
Fire ever burning, Have mercy on us
Living water to quench the thirst of hearts, Have mercy on us.
Holy Spirit, the Comforter, Have mercy on us
Holy Spirit, the Sanctifier, Have mercy on us
Holy Spirit, Who governs the Church, Have mercy on us
Gift of God, the Most High, Have mercy on us
Spirit Who fills the universe, Have mercy on us
Spirit of the adoption of the children of God, Have mercy on us

From all evil, Deliver us.
From all impurity of soul and body, Deliver us.
From all gluttony and sensuality, Deliver us.
From all attachments to the things of the earth, Deliver us.
From all hypocrisy and pretense, Deliver us.
From all imperfections and deliberate faults, Deliver us.
From our own will, Deliver us.
From slander, Deliver us.
From deceiving our neighbors, Deliver us.
From our passions and disorderly appetites, Deliver us.
From our inattentiveness to Your holy inspirations, Deliver us.
From despising little things, Deliver us.
From debauchery and malice, Deliver us.
From love of comfort and luxury, Deliver us.
From wishing to seek or desire anything other than You, Deliver us.
From everything that displeases You, Deliver us.

Lamb of God, Who takes away the sins of the world,
Send us the divine Consoler.
Lamb of God, Who takes away the sins of the world,
Fill us with the gifts of Your Spirit.
Lamb of God, Who takes away the sins of the world,
Make the fruits of the Holy Spirit increase within us.

V. Come, O Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of Your faithful,
R. And enkindle in them the fire of Your love.

Let us Pray:
Grant, O merciful Father, that Your Divine Spirit may enlighten, inflame and purify us, that He may penetrate us with His heavenly dew and make us fruitful in good works, through Our Lord Jesus Christ, Your Son, Who with You, in the unity of the same Spirit, lives and reigns, one God, forever and ever. Amen.

 

[CRATUS]

it’s almost as if he’s given up on me, or dare i say punishing me. I’ve lost everything, including the will to do anything except sit around all day in agony.

I’ve been suffering from an ongoing illness (non-life threatening) which has now elevated to an extreme level. I’ve been in and out of hospital due to the pain. It hurts so much, all the time. Doctors are unable to find a clear diagnosis, and traditional painkillers or symptom management is not an option. It’s forced me to cut-out essentially everything from my diet; dairy, meat, bread, and coffee, and a long-list of fruits and vegetables. Not much i can eat. I’ve lost a considerable amount of weight as a result.

I had to quit my job in the interests of myself and my employer, after labouring all year to finally find a job and kick-start my career. My family is going away for the weekend, and i’m unfit to go with them. All of this has obviously taken a toll on my social life as well.

I’m 24 years old. Dare i say, these are the years of my life for living. I want to travel, progress in my career, invest in doing something i love, and so on.

Am i supposed to thank god for taking all of that away from me? I’m ill able to fathom how he could possibly be thinking “i want this to happen. This is my will. I have a plan”. Dare i say, his plan is extremely painful and neglecting. I feel like kindly requesting to be exempt from his plan, and let me live my own life without the agony and depression that he’s cornered me into, even though i’ve worked so hard to keep my life on track.

So, this is me. Far from god. The harder i knock, the further he pushes me away. It’s less destructive simply not to knock anymore.

i am very sorry for your situation.

 

[ynotzap]

Domiy: God does not expect from you what you can not give. At 24 you have dreams of the future, of love, travel, career, family, good times etc. Then an illness befalls you, there is physical and mental pain. You think “God why…?” You are anxious for an answer, even though you have waited for some time, and prayed hard with no consolation. Maybe even abandoned. You pray and nothing seems to happen except the illness seems to become worse. What if by prayer you find yourself, mentally, spiritually in God’s presence, although you feel no consolation, mentally or physically, but you keep praying. Isn’t this proving to God you believe in Him, loving Him, without feelings, but by commitment. Isn’t this the proof of real love. And what if by finding your self at the feet of Christ asking over and over to heal you? What if by keeping you in this situation He desires for you to know He is your greatest need, not your dreams, your loves, your accomplishments etc. What might He do to make you realize this, not in order to cause you pain but to insure what little real happiness we can have in this life, but the greatest happiness with Him, in this life and the next. Christ always desires us to have the deepest relationship with Him. As St Augustine said “Oh rich man if you have everything but do not have God, what have you? O poor man if you have nothing but have God, what do you lack?” Don’t give into Satan, he will lead you to give up your faith, and to despair. And life without faith in Christ is empty, and fruitless, it is not “life” So be a good warrior, keep the faith, and keep on doing your best to trust and love God, His grace is sufficient for you We are with you in our prayers, and struggles.

 

[Domiy]

Theists confuse me.

I’m sad to hear about your suffering and I can imagine how you must feel. And, of course, you are not alone with your suffering…there are many in this world–past, present, and future, including myself–who suffer as you do, and sometimes/often suffer far, far worse.

But I thought the whole point about believing in God was having faith about it.

Or…does one just believe in God when things are going well and when they happily have the life and things and career and health that they want?
Let’s test this scenario out on the righteous Job.

At the same time, if God is responsible for all the good things he brings…he must take responsibility for the bad, too.
So I can understand you questioning why this all-loving God would make good, innocent, hard-working, loving people, like yourself, suffer seemingly needlessly.

This, of course, is a main reason why many people are Atheists. Because this concept makes no sense to them.

.

Thanks for your philosophical (name removed by moderator)ut, I always enjoy such topics. Atheism is the state of not beleiving in God. I never questioned my faith. I can’t make the choice of whether I want to believe in God or not: I know God exists no matter what happens to me. My problem is that right now, God is like that trusted but frustrating roomate who keeps missing his half of the rent, and then promises to make up for it by paying for the entire water bill. Most times he lives up to it, but it seems that lately he just keeps making excuses or asking for more time. Excuse the cheesy analogy, but that’s the best way I could put it in worldly terms.

Also, thank you all dearly for your heartfelt words. I’ve definitely taken some good insight into the matter. I’ve got a long (and painful) journey ahead, and I just hope that I can get through this as soon as possible. God bless.

 

[Kay_Cee]

The first thought I had on reading your OP was “I sure hope this person is offering up all that pain for a worthy cause.”

The second thought I had was “Wow! This person’s reward in heaven is going to be so great! And he’ll have it for all eternity!”

I admit to being a bit jealous.

One saint (sorry, can’t remember who) once said that if angels were capable of envying us, they would envy us two things:

The first is our ability to receive Jesus in the Eucharist.
The second is our ability to suffer, because our suffering can increase our holiness.

Are you aware that many saints–for this very reason–begged God for sufferings? That they would have been thrilled to have what you have?

I’ll probably catch a lot of flak for this from other CAF members, but have you considered thanking God for this suffering? “All things work for good for those who love God.” (Romans 8:28)
All things, including this.

 

[Mystical_Seeker]

The first thought I had on reading your OP was “I sure hope this person is offering up all that pain for a worthy cause.”

The second thought I had was “Wow! This person’s reward in heaven is going to be so great! And he’ll have it for all eternity!”

I admit to being a bit jealous.

One saint (sorry, can’t remember who) once said that if angels were capable of envying us, they would envy us two things:

The first is our ability to receive Jesus in the Eucharist.
The second is our ability to suffer, because our suffering can increase our holiness.

Are you aware that many saints–for this very reason–begged God for sufferings? That they would have been thrilled to have what you have?

I’ll probably catch a lot of flak for this from other CAF members, but have you considered thanking God for this suffering? “All things work for good for those who love God.” (Romans 8:28)
All things, including this.

ALL things, means ALL things.

 

[Mystical_Seeker]

I too have envied others’ suffering at times because it makes me seem “shallow” by comparison, and I hunger for the depth I perceive in others.

That said, I don’t think “suffering” in and of itself is enough because one can become stuck in suffering, even with “faith” but not good direction IMO. I have no desire to suffer because I think I deserve it. If I do something wrong, then all I have to know is that it’s wrong, why it’s wrong, and what would have been OK in whatever situation. Punishing has little deterrent effect on my behavior except to the degree it is observable by Those Who Care.

But suffering for the sake of learning to endure suffering and still praise God? Count me in!

But please, not as much as Job, a little less testing than Abraham, and bit of sugar on top please! And if it’s ok I’d like to have a “just kidding” button… you never know …

 

[Landon_Caeli]

Philippians 4:8
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

One of the greatest ways to overcome illess (which I suffer from myself), is to be thankful for the things which God has given us. Jesus says to love God first and foremost and that we should love our neighbors as ourselves. These are the things we can focus on and by doing so we avoid the distractions of the world and it’s flaws.

 

[Rynard]

Have you ever heard of Maria Valtorta? Yes, she’s infamous for writing “The Poem of the Man-God,” but she received a blow from a young delinquent to her back that eventually kept her bedridden.

Let me digress… your case is more severe than hers. I don’t know what consoling things to say to you, other than to attempt to quit your current state of life. Something is desperately wrong, and I don’t think God would crush you under His thumb so hard. There must be another egregious thing crushing you, though I know not what. Perhaps say the pray to St. Michael on a regular basis. My veins once felt like they were on fire, as if I was being dragged to hell, and I called out in my desperation to Michael, and eventually the burning ceased. So this could be demonic… maybe someone in your life is calling demons upon you, I am not sure. I will pray tonight that you are relieved.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I am so sorry about your troubles. Please be assured of my prayers.

I just want to suggest one thing, and I hope this does not sound too pedantic. The way you see your current troubles is that God is pushing you away. But please don’t think He is deliberately causing you all this pain. Everyone in the world is in some way affected and suffers due to original sin. It is a mystery and something difficult to accept for most of us. I went through some serious struggles a few years ago and was angry with God for allowing it to happen. But then I realised that we all suffer in some way and that I was not singled out. It is the nature of things in the world.

I know that I am not solving your problems by saying this, but I agree that for us Catholics suffering is an opportunity to grow in faith and holiness. Maybe this is the time for you to figure out God’s will for your life, especially if your plans have now fallen through.

God bless.

 

[Domiy]

Hi Contra! Thanks for your words. I trust all is good for you in our small and beautiful part of Europe? Sadly, I’m still living abroad, but I plan to return permanently very soon. I feel that my health here (Australia) has never been optimal, and only when I return do I really feel at peace. I’ve noticed the difference in quality of food definitely plays a role, as the overall standard of avaliable food here is incomparable to the fresh and clean stuff back home!. Thus, the silver-lining I can see in all of this is that it’s helped me make up my mind and remember my values.

I’m truly grateful for all the responses and recommendations in this thread. I’ll definitely be taking this “time-off” to re-evaluate some things and focus on being content with what I can do (I really do enjoy writing as well!).

 

[Rosebud77]

from my bed to your heart… I have been ill with no real treatment possible since I was your age; now well over 70 … No regrets and these years have taught me to treasure the smallest things mightily so I cannot say I am unhappy. Learn to treasure each precious day and hour. To use all you have also for other. I cannot travel etc but I can knit for sale to feed the truly needy. Love the flowers, the sky; it gives time to watch and look and value. This last week was struck down by yet another incurable, non life threatening illness so am learning endurance all over again. Look for quality not quantity! Blame not God who loves us mightily and who gives the strength to bear all and to give all. No I do not believe in offering suffering up but enduring and finding solace in Him and in the life we have .