God help me, I can’t handle this

[bigmistake]

I don’t even know how I will go on. This pain is enormous. One month ago I got drunk and a woman followed me back to my hotel room. A woman I know. I don’t remember a lot but I know we had sex. I got tested for STDs they came back negative. She warned me to never tell because she would ruin my life. The pain is unbearable. I fear I can’t go on. This could crush my whole life. If I confess it could start a chain reaction of many horrible things. I hate myself. I hate what happened. God please help me. I’m so sorry for what I did. I am going to hurt so many people. My kids will be devastated. This pain is soul crushing

 

[1ke]

. If I confess it could start a chain reaction of many horrible things

I am sorry this situation happened to you. Please be comforted that you can always confess in the confessional. The seal is absolute. Confession is anonymous. Go and unburden your soul. You will feel better.

If you are talking about confessing to your spouse, that is a different matter and may not be the best course of action. Sometimes sacrificing for the other means NOT unburdening ourselves on others that will be hurt but rather sacrificing for their happiness by keeping harmful things far away from them even if difficult for us personally. Do this. For your family. Your children need you.

Your ability to consent was impaired, this really could be classified as sexual assault on the part of the woman. Stay away from her. Don’t have contact. I don’t know why you got drunk, but be very vigilant and do not drink to excess in the future, especially if you have to be around this person. Drinking to excess is never a good idea.

 

[bigmistake]

I have blocked and cut off all
Communication with this woman. She knew I was very upset. It was instant. Can I really keep this hidden inside for many years? I don’t know. It is soul crushing pain. I’m a a guy. I can’t call this assault. We all know that. I don’t even believe it was. I do believe this woman is evil and she would have stopped at nothing. If it wouldn’t have been that night then some other night. She wasn’t going to stop. I don’t know what to do. I know that I feel intense pain for what happened. And I feel like a fool for allowing it to happen.

 

[1ke]

Can I really keep this hidden inside for many years? I don’t know. It is soul crushing pain.

Yes, you can.

I’m a a guy. I can’t call this assault.

Of course you can, that is what it is. It is a huge lie that me cannot be assaulted. Men certainly can be. You were heavily impaired to the point of memory loss/time loss. This is assault.

I don’t know what to do. I know that I feel intense pain for what happened. And I feel like a fool for allowing it to happen.

Go to confession and then go get counseling. Because, yes, you were assaulted and yes you have a right to feel violated.

 

[bigmistake]

I don’t think that’s right. I blame myself. In the past I have had dreams of having sex with other woman. I think that in my subconscious I wanted this to happen. Now its a nightmare. Yes I was drunk, no I didn’t pursue this, but I did allow it to happen. I didn’t stop it. Which is guilt enough.

 

[RandomAlias]

It would appear at least that you were taken advantage of in a moment of weakness. I see 1ke’s point, and there may be state laws to the effect that having sex with someone who is intoxicated constitutes assault, but I wouldn’t dwell on that because you have more important things to worry about, like restoring and building a strong relationship with God and your wife and children.

If you are Catholic, the sacrament of Reconciliation, also known as Confession, would be a great place to start. That and repent, try to sin no more, pray for God’s assistance and guidance, and try to build a better relationship with God.

I cannot give specific advice on how to strengthen your marriage and your family life. One single instance of infidelity should not cause you to lose hope or give up on your marriage. You can make it better.

Confessing to your wife may cause things to fall apart, which would harm everyone. But here is something else to think about: Your wife may already sense that something is wrong. I doubt that you are such a good actor that you can hide your pain and fear. But what to do? Seek counseling.

Seek counseling from someone who strongly supports marriage as a solemn and lasting commitment of love. A priest or professional can discuss your situation and give you much better advice than a bunch of random people on the internet.

And pray. Pray for yourself, that you may work toward a good life and have peace and love in your heart. Pray for your wife and children. If you think about or fear the other woman, perhaps you should pray for her.

I am praying for you too. May the Holy Spirit assist and guide you always toward faith, hope, and love.

 

[bigmistake]

I already in therapy, and yes she knows I’m struggling with anxiety right now. I can’t hide that. And confessing right before Christmas just seems cruel.

 

[stpurl]

Talk to your priest. I know it’s hard, but don’t make any big and potentially irreversible decisions right now when there is so much stress going on. Concentrate on your family right now. . .if you want to be doing some expiation, really, thinking about others more than your own pain will be a good step. It’s not that you want to forget about it or excuse it, but right now you are so close to the situation you aren’t seeing clearly the effects it will have on others, and you’ll get so emotional and upset that you’ll make things worse. Pray and try to do small, easy things that make you feel more relaxed, whether it’s taking a 5 minute break to walk around the back yard, listen to Christmas music, light a candle, do the dishes, etc.

 

[bigmistake]

Ok so here’s another issue. I’m not catholic. I go to Catholic Church with my wife who is catholic. I do t even know how to contact the priest to talk to him. And then how do you sit in church with your family knowing he knows what happened.

 

[Horton]

That puts a twist on things. This is my first thought of your situation. Get over yourself. You made a big mistake yes, but nothing you can do will change that fact. Stop thinking of yourself and start thinking of others. You can make an appointment to speak to the priest but as you’re not Catholic he can’t absolve you, but he can offer some good advice of where to go from here.

And yes you can handle this, you have to handle this. Whatever you do, do not make you wife accept your guilt by telling her without appropriate guidance from a professional, like your therapist. For those who have spoken about confessing they are talking about the sacrament of reconciliation, confessing to a priest and receiving absolution, not confessing to your wife.

Continue to pray but pray for guidance and mercy, give it over to God.

 

[bigmistake]

I’m baptized Presbyterian. So I can’t get forgiveness from God?

Is there still a thought of my penance being to spare my family the pain and to deal with the guilt?

 

[bigmistake]

Sitting here watching the news and hearing woman talk about Harvey Weinstein. It’s very scary how similar my experience was…but I’m a man. And she was a woman so it doesn’t fit the mold.

I feel for these woman who endured this. These people are masters at getting you alone and then making you feel like you “need” to do what they ask.

Yeah I’ve had dreams about being with celebrities and things like that, but never thought about finding a way to do it. While I still accept that I chose to drink. I have social anxiety and it started with here drink so you’ll relax. Here I poured a beer into a coffe mug so no one will know. Then more, and more as I relaxed more. Then when I knew I was in trouble I left on my own. Only to be followed later. She gave what sounded legit in drunken state excuse to come in. I let her in (stupid I know). I sat away from her for a good while, that’s when she took her bra off and I’ll stop there. At each point she convinced me I wanted this and i better be quiet about it or she would ruin my career. I said once it felt like an “out of body experience” at one point. It didn’t feel like it was me anymore. Then I passed out. My Fitbit showed me going firstly to deep sleep. Then awoke to panic.

Here’s the thing folks. How would I ever prove this? I can’t prove it at all. And I fear in a effort to save her own reputation she would turn it around on me. I saved a few text that at least show I was unhappy and she was fine with it. Just as back up proof.

This woman is apparently now getting a divorce. I think she wanted an affair with me, but I wasn’t giving in, so to keep me quiet she threatened me.

And that’s whats weighing on my heart right before Christmas…

 

[DarkLight]

I don’t think that’s right. I blame myself. In the past I have had dreams of having sex with other woman. I think that in my subconscious I wanted this to happen. Now its a nightmare. Yes I was drunk, no I didn’t pursue this, but I did allow it to happen. I didn’t stop it. Which is guilt enough.

Your subconscious isn’t responsible for any sort of sin. “Thinking about sex” is a thing that happens to adult humans, not an agreement for someone else to have sex with you while impaired (and by using threats).

This absolutely sounds like you were sexually assaulted. I know that’s not a thing that everyone acknowledges can happen to men, but it absolutely does. As far as proof…unfortunately that is a common issue with this sort of crime.

Even if you are not Catholic, you can speak to a priest for advice. Generally confession is limited to those who profess Catholic belief, simply because of the desire for belief in the efficacy of the sacrament. While the seal of confessional would not apply, normal professional ethics would apply (which don’t generally involve repeating these things). Simply call the office and say you would like to speak to the priest about a personal matter.

 

[Arkansan]

The seal of confession is absolute. If you confess, the priest can’t do anything with that information, it will go nowhere and harm no one.

It sounds like this woman wants this to remain a secret. Given that, it is unlikely that your family will find out, so this probably will not ruin your life (although it easily could have). Just avoid getting drunk in the future.

 

[bigmistake]

I have had real trouble calling this “assault”. For many reasons. 1). I’m a guy. 2). I really can’t prove it. I have some circumstantial stuff. A text where I asked her if she knew why I was upset she said “because you think I took advantage of you, if that helps you deal, fine I took advantage of you. You didn’t want it. Fine.” That’s really it for “proof”

She knew I had social anxiety. I didn’t set out to get drunk. I wish I wouldn’t have been alone at this event and with a trusted friend. I’m still processing this, but you all are not the first to call it “assault”. Maybe I need to wrap my mind around that. I’m not sure it changes the tell my wife part. I know if I was her I would want to confront this woman, and if that happened a he said she said battle could ensue with legal trouble for all.

I did get STD tested and I had the most sensitive tests run. They were all 100% clear. Maybe it’s time to really understand if it was assault. And if it was that takes my brain ina whole new direction which is scary in itself.

 

[DarkLight]

It’s definitely scary.

If it helps, “it was assault, but I can’t prove it” is really, really common. I have a case of that in my own background. I don’t have any way to prove to an outside observer that I didn’t consent. But I still know that I’m not guilty for being in that situation (although that took a while too, and a major crisis of faith). I never told anyone that knew him.

I’ll be praying for you - this is a terrible situation, and it’s expected that you’re going to need some time to process.

Only thing I will say on STD’s is that it’s often recommended that you repeat certain ones around the 3-month mark, so I would check with your doctor on that.

 

[bigmistake]

Maybe it’s time I accept it for what it was. I don’t want to believe it, and I still blame myself. But when I lay all the facts out there I begin to see where the manipulation started weeks prior. It all makes sense, I just have trouble believing it. I have generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, and on and off bouts with depression. It makes it hard to think clearly. I tend to focus all the blame on every situation on myself. And I never want to put responsibility on others. I always think I should have done better.

Now how to accept this and move forward. What about my wife and kids? I blocked this woman and deletes everything (well except the one text i shares above its archived). I don’t see her “outing” me. And if she did I have some proof. I hate holding this in. I know my wife would believe me. I know that I’m my heart. I know she would want to seek justice too. She would want me to go to HR and file a complaint. And pursue criminal charges. I wouldn’t blame her. But how? With what proof? I have none. And now what? I can’t prove what happened.

Perhaps it’s just time to speak with God and a spiritual counselor and try to pick of the pieces and move on. Stay away from this woman, and learn the lesson to never drink unless I’m with my wife or a very close friend. It was dumb. And not what I normally do.

 

[bigmistake]

Really struggling the last two days. This whole thing is ripping me apart.