God or Satan?

[HoneyBea]

Some of you probably already know that my marriage of 5yrs is pretty much in despair. I’ve been hanging in there really trying and while I’ve noticed some improvements, its very much a roller coaster ride. Some weeks will be better and then some weeks will be complete hell. Lately we have been trying for a baby (3months) because I before didn’t really understand the church’s teaching, but after much praying I was able to understand and I was willing to take the leap of faith. However, this has been complicated, because mine is not a healthy marriage, but I am of the age now that I am starting to wonder how much longer I can put off children. Long story short we have been trying with the exception of when my husband is gone which is quite often (Air Force) and this month for some reason I had decided that I just didn’t feel like being pregnant. Obviously, I’m confused, but this month hasn’t been a good one for us, so, my old fear came back and took over and I just felt like I should put it off. Also, I had a friend (hes no longer in my life) but he would constantly tell me that God does not want me to have a miserable marriage and that all these things that were happening to me was a sign that God wants me to be happy outside my marriage. Basically, “What kind of God would ask you to endure such a man?” So, that is always in mind lingering like…what if God is showing me another way…maybe I’m not meant to stay in this marriage…is it possible God wants to show me a way out of this marriage? I am so conflicted. So, when we started trying and I didn’t get pregnant right away I definitely started doubting more and more thinking God may be trying to show me this isnt meant for us to be together. So, I’m ovulating right now as most of you know there is a small window and I was going to abstain this month, because my husbands behavior these past weeks has been bothersome and I guess I’m just scared of " locking myself down forever" with a child. I know this sounds stupid, because that’s what my vows are all about, but I am just being honest with the thoughts running through my head. Ok, so I was sitting in the living room praying over my marriage (story of my life) and I felt my heart warming and I felt like forgiving my husband. So, I went upstairs (he was in the shower) and decided to take a shower with him and have sex. Well, I got in and I could tell he had masturbated dont ask me how I knew, but I just knew and I asked him if he did and he denied it and then I asked him again to be honest and he said yes, that he has been holding off for weeks, for baby making purposes its important not to and he understood that (obviously for other reasons too) but he said since I had said I wasn’t wanting to try that month he just went ahead and did it even though he knows its wrong regardless. So, I said something really stupid for the purpose of shaming him and now I feel shame for trying to shame my husband, along the lines of " I hope you are happy that was Satan in this shower with you tempting you and now you can witness first hand how masturbation comes between a marriage, you can finish your shower alone and think about that" and I left. Ok, so he obviously felt bad and came downstairs to talk to me, but I just told him to leave (he was on his way to the gym to work out) so he did and well here I am. I feel like God is trying to tell me something with this experience, because a few weeks ago someone wrote a post regarding masturbation and I commented honestly, stating that masturbation was one of the church’s teaching that I had trouble agreeing with because it was “no big deal” to me, and it didn’t even bother me when my husband did it, because I knew its a relaxing etc. How ironic that I am now presented with this inside my marriage in a way that for the first time ever I actually do care. Id like to know yalls thoughts about this and also am I crazy for thinking there could be something for me other then my marriage? I told my husband it was Satan, but truth be told the other thought running through my head was is this God trying to stop me from making a mistake with my husband? I know this sounds terrible, but I think the bottom line here is I am most confused. I try to talk about these things with my husband but he is not interested in my thoughts and struggles no matter how much he pretends to care I can see he clearly would rather be watching football.

 

[Jon_S_1]

Some of you probably already know that my marriage of 5yrs is pretty much in despair. I’ve been hanging in there really trying and while I’ve noticed some improvements, its very much a roller coaster ride. Some weeks will be better and then some weeks will be complete hell. Lately we have been trying for a baby (3months) because I before didn’t really understand the church’s teaching, but after much praying I was able to understand and I was willing to take the leap of faith. However, this has been complicated, because mine is not a healthy marriage, but I am of the age now that I am starting to wonder how much longer I can put off children. Long story short we have been trying with the exception of when my husband is gone which is quite often (Air Force) and this month for some reason I had decided that I just didn’t feel like being pregnant. Obviously, I’m confused, but this month hasn’t been a good one for us, so, my old fear came back and took over and I just felt like I should put it off. Also, I had a friend (hes no longer in my life) but he would constantly tell me that God does not want me to have a miserable marriage and that all these things that were happening to me was a sign that God wants me to be happy outside my marriage. Basically, “What kind of God would ask you to endure such a man?” So, that is always in mind lingering like…what if God is showing me another way…maybe I’m not meant to stay in this marriage…is it possible God wants to show me a way out of this marriage? I am so conflicted. So, when we started trying and I didn’t get pregnant right away I definitely started doubting more and more thinking God may be trying to show me this isnt meant for us to be together. So, I’m ovulating right now as most of you know there is a small window and I was going to abstain this month, because my husbands behavior these past weeks has been bothersome and I guess I’m just scared of " locking myself down forever" with a child. I know this sounds stupid, because that’s what my vows are all about, but I am just being honest with the thoughts running through my head. Ok, so I was sitting in the living room praying over my marriage (story of my life) and I felt my heart warming and I felt like forgiving my husband. So, I went upstairs (he was in the shower) and decided to take a shower with him and have sex. Well, I got in and I could tell he had masturbated dont ask me how I knew, but I just knew and I asked him if he did and he denied it and then I asked him again to be honest and he said yes, that he has been holding off for weeks, for baby making purposes its important not to and he understood that (obviously for other reasons too) but he said since I had said I wasn’t wanting to try that month he just went ahead and did it even though he knows its wrong regardless. So, I said something really stupid for the purpose of shaming him and now I feel shame for trying to shame my husband, along the lines of " I hope you are happy that was Satan in this shower with you tempting you and now you can witness first hand how masturbation comes between a marriage, you can finish your shower alone and think about that" and I left. Ok, so he obviously felt bad and came downstairs to talk to me, but I just told him to leave (he was on his way to the gym to work out) so he did and well here I am. I feel like God is trying to tell me something with this experience, because a few weeks ago someone wrote a post regarding masturbation and I commented honestly, stating that masturbation was one of the church’s teaching that I had trouble agreeing with because it was “no big deal” to me, and it didn’t even bother me when my husband did it, because I knew its a relaxing etc. How ironic that I am now presented with this inside my marriage in a way that for the first time ever I actually do care. Id like to know yalls thoughts about this and also am I crazy for thinking there could be something for me other then my marriage? I told my husband it was Satan, but truth be told the other thought running through my head was is this God trying to stop me from making a mistake with my husband? I know this sounds terrible, but I think the bottom line here is I am most confused. I try to talk about these things with my husband but he is not interested in my thoughts and struggles no matter how much he pretends to care I can see he clearly would rather be watching football.

I feel bad for you, I am divorced and can relate to where you are at. DONT GIVE UP like I did.

I will be praying.

I would say using NFP and trying to avoid pregnancy would be good until you get your marriage healed. Pregnancy and hormones and sleepless nights and expenses will not help you guys get your marriage back on track.

As far as the shower issue. Can I recommend you meet your husband with grace and forgiveness when he comes home. Apologize for the shaming.

This is a sin that is hard for men and it would help him overcome it if he knew he could be honest with you without you shaming him.

Just think of what you would want him to do if he caught you masturbating. Or if you don’t do that, imagine a common female sin…maybe gossiping. Imagine what you’d want him to do to help you with that sin and try and help him in a similar way.

If you haven’t gone to retrovaille. Go.

Praying.

 

[HoneyBea]

I feel bad for you, I am divorced and can relate to where you are at. DONT GIVE UP like I did.

I will be praying.

I would say using NFP and trying to avoid pregnancy would be good until you get your marriage healed. Pregnancy and hormones and sleepless nights and expenses will not help you guys get your marriage back on track.

As far as the shower issue. Can I recommend you meet your husband with grace and forgiveness when he comes home. Apologize for the shaming.

This is a sin that is hard for men and it would help him overcome it if he knew he could be honest with you without you shaming him.

Just think of what you would want him to do if he caught you masturbating. Or if you don’t do that, imagine a common female sin…maybe gossiping. Imagine what you’d want him to do to help you with that sin and try and help him in a similar way.

If you haven’t gone to retrovaille. Go.

Praying.

I have looked into Retrovaille and was please to find out there are retreats in the Philippines, Korea and Singapore! We will be attending one soon God willing.

I feel awful about shaming my husband its something I never wanted to do. Especially, for masturbating when I know its something that almost everyone struggles with. I dont want him to feel shame about himself or his body. Shame is the devils tool used to keep us apart from God.
I am mostly afraid that by making him feel shame he will turn further away from God. He is already making comments to me like “please dont turn into a Jesus freak” because ever since growing in my faith, I am noticing more and more things in secular life that I didn’t notice before and it bothers me so I point it out. During movies certain things I see or messed up messages-- I will comment on it and I know hes thinking “Oh shut up and just enjoy the movie”, but I cant help it, my view has changed, my lenses are not the same and I want him to see what I see, but I fear my growth in faith is actually growing us further apart. I wonder if he feels as if he is losing me somehow, but little does he know that he already did that on his own. It has nothing to do with God and my faith, I have expressed over and over how much I want to share the faith with him. Anyways, I think he thinks I’m just going through a phase and hes like waiting it out or something hoping Ill not go to deep. He is a convert Catholic, but I am now realizing that he may not be ready or serious about practicing our faith. Everything probably just feels like “rules” to him because he hasn’t bothered to understand why and I do try to explain it to him but his eyes glaze over and I give up.

 

[Jon_S_1]

I have looked into Retrovaille and was please to find out there are retreats in the Philippines, Korea and Singapore! We will be attending one soon God willing.

I feel awful about shaming my husband its something I never wanted to do. Especially, for masturbating when I know its something that almost everyone struggles with. I dont want him to feel shame about himself or his body. Shame is the devils tool used to keep us apart from God.
I am mostly afraid that by making him feel shame he will turn further away from God. He is already making comments to me like “please dont turn into a Jesus freak” because ever since growing in my faith, I am noticing more and more things in secular life that I didn’t notice before and it bothers me so I point it out. During movies certain things I see or messed up messages-- I will comment on it and I know hes thinking “Oh shut up and just enjoy the movie”, but I cant help it, my view has changed, my lenses are not the same and I want him to see what I see, but I fear my growth in faith is actually growing us further apart. I wonder if he feels as if he is losing me somehow, but little does he know that he already did that on his own. It has nothing to do with God and my faith, I have expressed over and over how much I want to share the faith with him. Anyways, I think he thinks I’m just going through a phase and hes like waiting it out or something hoping Ill not go to deep. He is a convert Catholic, but I am now realizing that he may not be ready or serious about practicing our faith. Everything probably just feels like “rules” to him because he hasn’t bothered to understand why and I do try to explain it to him but his eyes glaze over and I give up.

When I was married. We were nominal Protestants. Church every Sunday, but you couldn’t tell us apart from a general law abiding american.

My wife started really getting into the faith. She wanted to live radically for Jesus. I saw it as an attack on our way of life and it did drive a wedge between us. Significantly.

After we separated the seeds she planted were able to flourish without her constant flooding of me. It was because of her ideas that I became Catholic ultimately, but had we stayed together and been under constant battle I very well may have left the faith entIrely. I nearly did as it was.

It’s almost like a seed that is planted and constantly watered will never grow. In fact it will die.

But a seed that is planted and given a little water and fertilizer every now and then will flourish. Mostly on its own with just a slight help from the gardener.

Try to gain some understanding on where your husband is at. Tell him what you shared here and tell him you respect his opinions and want your marriage to flourish.

You don’t have to sacrifice your principals, but you can maybe try to find out what makes him uncomfortable and ease up on some of that while still being able to share your heart with him and find things he wants to talk about to engage as well.

Just my opinion based on my own painful and seemingly similar situation

 

[ClearWater]

Why are you actively trying to conceive right now if your relationship is so unstable?

 

[HoneyBea]

Why are you actively trying to conceive right now if your relationship is so unstable?

Because I am no spring chicken. I dont really see my husband changing its been 8 years 5 of those we’ve been married. Ive put off children due to our unstable relationship. If I keep holding out for this reason I may never conceive. Ive pretty much stopped trying to prevent pregnancy and Im putting it all in Gods hands.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

If you manage to go to Retrouvaille, see what happens after. Hopefully things will improve. I think there are follow up sessions for a while. Is marital counselling an option? You could even go by yourself if he is not up for it.

I personally wouldn’t try for a baby in such a situation. I’ve yet to hear of a difficult marriage improving after the children come. Many couples who are close and have a stable relationship sometimes drift apart because of tiredness and business that babies bring.

Hang in there. :hug1:

 

[HoneyBea]

Marital counseling is not an option at this time. I’ve also been to marital counsel several different marriage therapists over the past several years. I can’t fix my marriage alone. At this point it’s up to my husband to do some work. I’ve even talked with a priest and it was helpful but again, my husband needs to be willing and as far as he is concerned there is no problem.

He is willing to go to the retreat so that’s a blessing. Like I said he’s a good man he just doesn’t care enough to live it out daily.

 

[Jon_S_1]

Marital counseling is not an option at this time. I’ve also been to marital counsel several different marriage therapists over the past several years. I can’t fix my marriage alone. At this point it’s up to my husband to do some work. I’ve even talked with a priest and it was helpful but again, my husband needs to be willing and as far as he is concerned there is no problem.

He is willing to go to the retreat so that’s a blessing. Like I said he’s a good man he just doesn’t care enough to live it out daily.

Yeah that’s a big issue.

He needs to stop avoiding and work this out. Hopefully retrovaille will re engage him. If not you may need to work with your priest or counselor to find a way to show him how serious it is that he work on the marriage.

 

[flowerfresh]

Because I am no spring chicken. I dont really see my husband changing its been 8 years 5 of those we’ve been married. Ive put off children due to our unstable relationship. If I keep holding out for this reason I may never conceive. Ive pretty much stopped trying to prevent pregnancy and Im putting it all in Gods hands.

I hate to say it but I think that is wise. I used to think a baby might resolve certain problems or make me happy but I see it as a kind of “wherever you go, there you are” type situation now…sorta like “unhappiness now = unhappiness later + baby.”

I once heard a parent say that he was discovering and slowly learning that children are not so much “OF” you but THROUGH" you. The child you could potentially have may be nothing like you wanted or thought it might be in its temperament, personality, aptitudes, desires, abilities, even looks. Of course you would love that child no matter what - it is just that expectations invariably play a role for any parent I think. I guess I am trying to say that having a child MIGHT not do what you think it would do or be what you think it should be. And, this might sound cliche or so obvious so why mention it but IT IS ‘SO’ PERMANENT.

I guess I would make a case for adoption here based on what I said above.
I am in a similar situation. I get so panicky also… there is such a “now or never” type feeling to the whole thing. :bigyikes: (Hope you don’t mind this emoticon…don’t want to create more anxiety or depress you… I guess I just thought it so adequately captured the angst of this whole problem for me that I thought you might find it funny or get a good laugh, too…if not, I am truly very sorry. I realize none of this is very funny really. )

I don’t think any ‘right’ decision is going to come from a place of fear or anxiety for me though. I think I will feel at peace and good about myself if it is the right decision. (Hah! Listen to me! I should pay myself to counsel myself! I need to gently swallow these words myself! LOL! ) I almost even would go so far as to say that I feel that when you don’t ‘need’ kids would be the best/ right time to have kids. Crazy?

I also am trying my best to “let go and let God” … to trust God, like you.

I like that verse…something like, “If you have faith…as small as a mustard seed…you can say to that mountain ‘move from here to there’ and it will move …nothing will be impossible for you …” :getholy:
i very much appreciate your sharing. :clapping: and a great big :console:

 

[HoneyBea]

I hate to say it but I think that is wise. I used to think a baby might resolve certain problems or make me happy but I see it as a kind of “wherever you go, there you are” type situation now…sorta like “unhappiness now = unhappiness later + baby.”

I once heard a parent say that he was discovering and slowly learning that children are not so much “OF” you but THROUGH" you. The child you could potentially have may be nothing like you wanted or thought it might be in its temperament, personality, aptitudes, desires, abilities, even looks. Of course you would love that child no matter what - it is just that expectations invariably play a role for any parent I think. I guess I am trying to say that having a child MIGHT not do what you think it would do or be what you think it should be. And, this might sound cliche or so obvious so why mention it but IT IS ‘SO’ PERMANENT.

I guess I would make a case for adoption here based on what I said above.
I am in a similar situation. I get so panicky also… there is such a “now or never” type feeling to the whole thing. :bigyikes: (Hope you don’t mind this emoticon…don’t want to create more anxiety or depress you… I guess I just thought it so adequately captured the angst of this whole problem for me that I thought you might find it funny or get a good laugh, too…if not, I am truly very sorry. I realize none of this is very funny really. )

I don’t think any ‘right’ decision is going to come from a place of fear or anxiety for me though. I think I will feel at peace and good about myself if it is the right decision. (Hah! Listen to me! I should pay myself to counsel myself! I need to gently swallow these words myself! LOL! ) I almost even would go so far as to say that I feel that when you don’t ‘need’ kids would be the best/ right time to have kids. Crazy?

I also am trying my best to “let go and let God” … to trust God, like you.

I like that verse…something like, “If you have faith…as small as a mustard seed…you can say to that mountain ‘move from here to there’ and it will move …nothing will be impossible for you …” :getholy:
i very much appreciate your sharing. :clapping: and a great big :console:

Thank you for sharing!

I just feel like if I keep waiting for the right time it’s never going to happen.
As awful as this sounds…I’m not sure I even love my husband anymore. I know that if I had a time machine I would without a doubt go back and never marry him much less date him. I can’t help it I actually resent the fact that I have to have a child with him simply because I am honoring my vows. I wish it could be anyone but him! Sounds terrible I know. The flip side of this is that I have faith and I know God can do amazing works and I truly believe he can help me love my husband again and save our marriage. I really need Gods help I can’t do it alone and at this point I have nothing left to lose. I just know God won’t leave me hanging. He can’t. Right?

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I just know God won’t leave me hanging. He can’t. Right?

I absolutely believe that God can make something good out of bad circumstances.

However, if I was so miserable in a marriage that could perhaps be even invalid, and if there were no children - I would not stay.

This might upset some people who think that we must stay no matter what, but that is what I would do.

Have you ever discussed this with a priest?

 

[His_angel]

Is there any chance your marriage is invalid? It doesn’t seem like a happy or good marriage. I read your replies and keep thinking ‘well, if it’s invalid you can leave.’

I try not to jump on the ‘divorce’ bandwagon in threads, but your story in particular just seems, frankly, really sad.

Even if it’s not invalid- you would still be keeping your vows if you were civilly divorced and lived apart. God doesn’t force us to stay in bad situations. And this seems to be a real strain on your mental health.

 

[Book_Worm]

Please forgive me. I am going to be brutally blunt.

You are thinking of having a child with someone you do not even like enough to want to date? Speaking as a child of divorce, let me tell you that’s a terrible thing to do to an innocent child. It took me at least five decades to get over the harm that did to me. You are feeling pain now because of choices and decisions you’ve made. Your child’s pain will be much, much worse and s/he will be powerless to do anything to alleviate that pain. I’m a grandmother now, and remembering some of the things I felt because I didn’t have an intact family with a mother and father who loved each other can still make me weep (as I am doing now).

First, fix your marriage, if it can be fixed. THEN, and only then, welcome a child into your family. If it can’t be fixed, trust God to help you find a way to be a mother.

It took me nine years before I was able to have a child. That was an incredibly painful time for me, but please believe me when I tell you that pain did not begin to compare with that I felt growing up.

Please do not do that to a child.

 

[David011]

You are thinking of having a child with someone you do not even like enough to want to date? Speaking as a child of divorce, let me tell you that’s a terrible thing to do to an innocent child. It took me at least five decades to get over the harm that did to me. You are feeling pain now because of choices and decisions you’ve made. Your child’s pain will be much, much worse and s/he will be powerless to do anything to alleviate that pain. I’m a grandmother now, and remembering some of the things I felt because I didn’t have an intact family with a mother and father who loved each other can still make me weep (as I am doing now).

First, fix your marriage, if it can be fixed. THEN, and only then, welcome a child into your family. If it can’t be fixed, trust God to help you find a way to be a mother.

Please do not do that to a child.

I second this. The church emphasizes responsible parenthood and, although I’m new, I hardly believe that includes bringing an innocent baby into a broken or struggling marriage. Trusting God isn’t about loading up your plate filled with more than you can swallow expecting God to fix everything, it’s about using the knowledge and conscience he has given us to do our best and then when we no longer have control, trust he’ll get us through. Children are not “marriage fixers” and they aren’t commodities to have just because we want one. They deserve two LOVING parents because they themselves are supposed to represent the fruit of their love. If being a mother is God’s will for you, then trust he’ll find a way to make this happen.