God, please save me, I am dead inside!

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Lady_Love

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I have been journeying with you for so long and still I cannot see you clearly. You shine your light all around but still I can not see what you illumine. I watch the snow falling so beautifully outside my window, yet it does not delight my heart. I am so sorry that I am incapable of fully appreciating your beauty, although it seems that I am the one who suffers. I have so many wonderful gifts surrounding me every single day, I see them, and yet I remain unmoved. My heart is as cold as stone and it feels dead and lifeless.

When will I fully come alive? When will I wake from this slumber? I know that life is beautiful but why can I not experience it? I do not want to go through my entire life being unable to give you the proper praise. I do not want to go through this life missing all the good you do to and for me.

It’s as though what was once a lush garden with soft soil, beautiful colors, fragrant smells, and delicious fruit, has become a desert of ice.

Daily I receive you in Eucharist. It is like a seed falling on hard ground. I beg you to forgive me for giving you such a cold bed to rest on. I beg you to forgive me for not being able to receive you worthily into my heart. How can ice melt ice? I cannot soften my own heart. I keep receiving you in hopes that one of these days I will come alive. How can the dead give you glory?

I am scared that I have closed my heart to you, that I have locked the door and lost the key. I keep searching for the key but I cannot find it. I am like the princess locked in the tower cell, cold and lonely, waiting for her prince to find and rescue her. Every day in my locked tower cell I think of you, I call to you, I remember you, It was my choices that wound me up in this cell. You gave me directions but I did not follow them.

I understand if you are mad at me. I was with you and then I wandered, I wandered and I was injured, injured and then trapped in this tower. If I had trusted and obeyed you I would not be in this mess but now I need you to come save me. If you do not come, if you do not rescue me, I will be lost to you forever. Am I worth it? My shallow heart whisper’s that I am not, that I am getting what I deserve for disobeying you. Oh, Jesus, I am totally dependent on your mercy. It would be just to leave me to suffer the consequences of my decisions and I could not reprove you for this. But Lord, I plead to your compassionate heart, have pity on me. Have pity. If you looked on me with disgust, I would understand for I have lost my beauty and I am rather hideous to look at; ugly and cold-hearted. Your pity is my only hope. I am useless, ugly, and cold-hearted, there is no reason that you should desire me, no benefit to you to save me. Do you still love me?

You are far beyond my understanding. You have told me that you will always love me. You are good, you are merciful, you are compassionate and nothing I do or become could ever change who you are. You are a man of your word, even if my word means nothing. You have character, even if I do not. You will save me not because I deserve it but because You are good. Whereas I do not trust in my worthiness, I do trust in who you are. Yes, you will come for me because you promised you would not leave me orphaned.

I will wait here for you, my love. I will trust in you. You are holy and good and in your compassion, You will restore my beauty, my natural heart, and you will make me fruitful. You will do this because You are good.
 
Amen to your prayer.
I feel you Lady Love! It might be winter blues, and all we can do is wait for the beauty that is spring to arrive 🙂

You might feel dead inside, but you got Jesus all by your side!
 
if God should reapear and say" i want the Psalms re-done!!" YOU would get the job!!! What beautiful words! think of Job. You will get past this. perhaps it is a minor dark night of the soul. God bless.
 
That was such a beautiful confession of humility and confusion. It is not unusual to go through these times in life. This is why we have to have Faith! We are all, no exception, unworthy. God created perfect humans by which Satan has tortured in every way possible. This is the constant conflict of good and evil on earth. If you thought you were the perfect person … so alive with self-confidence and thinking you are more special to God than the rest of us, then there would be something spiritually wrong with you. You have been tested and tortured, and you will make it through this. You will have times you feel so close to God during these hard times … but they may be few. Call on your guardian angels to surround you with their love and protection to help keep Satan away from you. Also, all of our mistakes that we suffer from are usually our own fault - these are forgiven. Take solice in the fact that even when your heart feels cold, God understands and is still with you. Your honesty and openness about your feelings is a tribute to God … You will be fine, just never let go of what you know is real and keep saying “I am a child of God, I am protected from evil.” God bless you.
 
· Fast from apparent darkness; Feast on the reality of light.
· Fast from discontent; Feast on gratitude.
Code: 
  These are two of the daily thoughts to help us keep lent holy. I am finding that focusing on not only thanking God for each of the little blessings in my life, but also praising Him for all that He is, helps to lift my spirits above dark side of life.  I am praying for you that you will soon feel better (Yes! Spring is coming!)
Blessings!
 
It might help to read about the 3 stages in the spiritual journey - the purgative way, the illuminative way, and the unitive way, and the Dark Nights of the soul in between. St. John of the Cross is the original go-to source, and there are introductory materials like this newadvent.org/cathen/14254a.htm that sum it up in a concise fashion. The main thing to remember is we might not always feel consolations, but it doesn’t mean God has withdrawn His love from us. It’s His way of testing our faith in fire to make it strong and pure and true. Don’t get discouraged! :blessyou:
 
Lady_Love said:
I have been journeying with you for so long and still I cannot see you clearly. You shine your light all around but still I can not see what you illumine. I watch the snow falling so beautifully outside my window, yet it does not delight my heart. I am so sorry that I am incapable of fully appreciating your beauty, although it seems that I am the one who suffers. I have so many wonderful gifts surrounding me every single day, I see them, and yet I remain unmoved. My heart is as cold as stone and it feels dead and lifeless.

When will I fully come alive? When will I wake from this slumber? I know that life is beautiful but why can I not experience it? I do not want to go through my entire life being unable to give you the proper praise. I do not want to go through this life missing all the good you do to and for me.

It’s as though what was once a lush garden with soft soil, beautiful colors, fragrant smells, and delicious fruit, has become a desert of ice.

Daily I receive you in Eucharist. It is like a seed falling on hard ground. I beg you to forgive me for giving you such a cold bed to rest on. I beg you to forgive me for not being able to receive you worthily into my heart. How can ice melt ice? I cannot soften my own heart. I keep receiving you in hopes that one of these days I will come alive. How can the dead give you glory?

I am scared that I have closed my heart to you, that I have locked the door and lost the key. I keep searching for the key but I cannot find it. I am like the princess locked in the tower cell, cold and lonely, waiting for her prince to find and rescue her. Every day in my locked tower cell I think of you, I call to you, I remember you, It was my choices that wound me up in this cell. You gave me directions but I did not follow them.

I understand if you are mad at me. I was with you and then I wandered, I wandered and I was injured, injured and then trapped in this tower. If I had trusted and obeyed you I would not be in this mess but now I need you to come save me. If you do not come, if you do not rescue me, I will be lost to you forever. Am I worth it? My shallow heart whisper’s that I am not, that I am getting what I deserve for disobeying you. Oh, Jesus, I am totally dependent on your mercy. It would be just to leave me to suffer the consequences of my decisions and I could not reprove you for this. But Lord, I plead to your compassionate heart, have pity on me. Have pity. If you looked on me with disgust, I would understand for I have lost my beauty and I am rather hideous to look at; ugly and cold-hearted. Your pity is my only hope. I am useless, ugly, and cold-hearted, there is no reason that you should desire me, no benefit to you to save me. Do you still love me?

You are far beyond my understanding. You have told me that you will always love me. You are good, you are merciful, you are compassionate and nothing I do or become could ever change who you are. You are a man of your word, even if my word means nothing. You have character, even if I do not. You will save me not because I deserve it but because You are good. Whereas I do not trust in my worthiness, I do trust in who you are. Yes, you will come for me because you promised you would not leave me orphaned.

I will wait here for you, my love. I will trust in you. You are holy and good and in your compassion, You will restore my beauty, my natural heart, and you will make me fruitful. You will do this because You are good.
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i feel the same way too. it is truly a terrifying feeling at times. the only thing i can do is trust. trust that he can even have mercy on even a sinner like me. although i dont feel it, im gaining confidence day by day that he has not abandoned me.
 
I just found wcw website very helpful The World Community for Christian Meditation.

I am using their daily Lentern Reflections because I find the prayer life of a Christian and me don’t mix and my priest has forwarded me this website (though had been here before). May be just a little gentle time out without too many demands of rgiourous prayer patterns a lot of people have. Take time to survey the flowers so to speak and just be with God through meditation.

Some years ago a priest loaned me a book which can get via this website called Word into Silence. It starts off the process of meditation. Unfortnuately for me I got stuck on Marantha and new there must be more and read a series of things but couldn’t find it until this priest came along and simply explained about Being with God which of this same style. He a Benedictine Oblate of which this website is about.

Just try keeping it very simple with God this Lent. Not think about all the rules etc. Just be you with God. It works every time with me though yeh I get angry and stuff. But I love God now rather than just worship Him.
 
Lady_Love said:
I have been journeying with you for so long and still I cannot see you clearly. You shine your light all around but still I can not see what you illumine. I watch the snow falling so beautifully outside my window, yet it does not delight my heart. I am so sorry that I am incapable of fully appreciating your beauty, although it seems that I am the one who suffers. I have so many wonderful gifts surrounding me every single day, I see them, and yet I remain unmoved. My heart is as cold as stone and it feels dead and lifeless.

When will I fully come alive? When will I wake from this slumber? I know that life is beautiful but why can I not experience it? I do not want to go through my entire life being unable to give you the proper praise. I do not want to go through this life missing all the good you do to and for me.

It’s as though what was once a lush garden with soft soil, beautiful colors, fragrant smells, and delicious fruit, has become a desert of ice.

Daily I receive you in Eucharist. It is like a seed falling on hard ground. I beg you to forgive me for giving you such a cold bed to rest on. I beg you to forgive me for not being able to receive you worthily into my heart. How can ice melt ice? I cannot soften my own heart. I keep receiving you in hopes that one of these days I will come alive. How can the dead give you glory?

I am scared that I have closed my heart to you, that I have locked the door and lost the key. I keep searching for the key but I cannot find it. I am like the princess locked in the tower cell, cold and lonely, waiting for her prince to find and rescue her. Every day in my locked tower cell I think of you, I call to you, I remember you, It was my choices that wound me up in this cell. You gave me directions but I did not follow them.

I understand if you are mad at me. I was with you and then I wandered, I wandered and I was injured, injured and then trapped in this tower. If I had trusted and obeyed you I would not be in this mess but now I need you to come save me. If you do not come, if you do not rescue me, I will be lost to you forever. Am I worth it? My shallow heart whisper’s that I am not, that I am getting what I deserve for disobeying you. Oh, Jesus, I am totally dependent on your mercy. It would be just to leave me to suffer the consequences of my decisions and I could not reprove you for this. But Lord, I plead to your compassionate heart, have pity on me. Have pity. If you looked on me with disgust, I would understand for I have lost my beauty and I am rather hideous to look at; ugly and cold-hearted. Your pity is my only hope. I am useless, ugly, and cold-hearted, there is no reason that you should desire me, no benefit to you to save me. Do you still love me?

You are far beyond my understanding. You have told me that you will always love me. You are good, you are merciful, you are compassionate and nothing I do or become could ever change who you are. You are a man of your word, even if my word means nothing. You have character, even if I do not. You will save me not because I deserve it but because You are good. Whereas I do not trust in my worthiness, I do trust in who you are. Yes, you will come for me because you promised you would not leave me orphaned.

I will wait here for you, my love. I will trust in you. You are holy and good and in your compassion, You will restore my beauty, my natural heart, and you will make me fruitful. You will do this because You are good.
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When we repent of our sins and begin to mature in the spirit, God can test us by withholding good feelings from us, and desiring that we act on pure faith. When I feel alone and in the dark I like to use the aspiration “Jesus I trust in You.” It certainly sounds like you are making acts of faith!
 
Lady_Love said:
I have been journeying with you for so long and still I cannot see you clearly. You shine your light all around but still I can not see what you illumine. I watch the snow falling so beautifully outside my window, yet it does not delight my heart. I am so sorry that I am incapable of fully appreciating your beauty, although it seems that I am the one who suffers. I have so many wonderful gifts surrounding me every single day, I see them, and yet I remain unmoved. My heart is as cold as stone and it feels dead and lifeless.

When will I fully come alive? When will I wake from this slumber? I know that life is beautiful but why can I not experience it? I do not want to go through my entire life being unable to give you the proper praise. I do not want to go through this life missing all the good you do to and for me.

It’s as though what was once a lush garden with soft soil, beautiful colors, fragrant smells, and delicious fruit, has become a desert of ice.

Daily I receive you in Eucharist. It is like a seed falling on hard ground. I beg you to forgive me for giving you such a cold bed to rest on. I beg you to forgive me for not being able to receive you worthily into my heart. How can ice melt ice? I cannot soften my own heart. I keep receiving you in hopes that one of these days I will come alive. How can the dead give you glory?

I am scared that I have closed my heart to you, that I have locked the door and lost the key. I keep searching for the key but I cannot find it. I am like the princess locked in the tower cell, cold and lonely, waiting for her prince to find and rescue her. Every day in my locked tower cell I think of you, I call to you, I remember you, It was my choices that wound me up in this cell. You gave me directions but I did not follow them.

I understand if you are mad at me. I was with you and then I wandered, I wandered and I was injured, injured and then trapped in this tower. If I had trusted and obeyed you I would not be in this mess but now I need you to come save me. If you do not come, if you do not rescue me, I will be lost to you forever. Am I worth it? My shallow heart whisper’s that I am not, that I am getting what I deserve for disobeying you. Oh, Jesus, I am totally dependent on your mercy. It would be just to leave me to suffer the consequences of my decisions and I could not reprove you for this. But Lord, I plead to your compassionate heart, have pity on me. Have pity. If you looked on me with disgust, I would understand for I have lost my beauty and I am rather hideous to look at; ugly and cold-hearted. Your pity is my only hope. I am useless, ugly, and cold-hearted, there is no reason that you should desire me, no benefit to you to save me. Do you still love me?

You are far beyond my understanding. You have told me that you will always love me. You are good, you are merciful, you are compassionate and nothing I do or become could ever change who you are. You are a man of your word, even if my word means nothing. You have character, even if I do not. You will save me not because I deserve it but because You are good. Whereas I do not trust in my worthiness, I do trust in who you are. Yes, you will come for me because you promised you would not leave me orphaned.

I will wait here for you, my love. I will trust in you. You are holy and good and in your compassion, You will restore my beauty, my natural heart, and you will make me fruitful. You will do this because You are good.
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That was a very beautiful prayer to our dear Lord.
I’m sure he must appreciate that very much.
 
Lady Love,

Lately you have spoken truth that many of us could not come up with on our own because we are too worldly. You have inspired and given hope to many of God’s creatures right here on CAF, including me. For example, you are one of the first I’ve encountered here who can really talk using the vocabulary of love, which I’m just beginning to learn, seeing past all the petty dualism that is so prevalent these days. Your posts have been helpful at bringing me closer to God. They have given me confidence and even a feeling of vindication because some of the truths that you and I and only a very few others have shared, are not accessible to the worldly mind but to the mind that is on Christ.

So regardless of what you think of your past choices, I have personally witnessed you doing God’s work. Whether this is your intent or you don’t feel like you can will to do it – or not – the result is the same. My point is that you are a blessing to the rest of us here and are clearly doing work that pleases God, and I’m sorry that you don’t have a better feeling about your own relationship with Him. I would like to help you any way I can because I am quite sure you are very nearly in the kingdom even now as you feel so remote. I’m hoping that very remoteness is the final stage in “deny yourself” so that your eyes may be opened to the value of things as they really are, and when that happens you will not come up wanting.

Alan
 
3DOCTORS said:
It might help to read about the 3 stages in the spiritual journey - the purgative way, the illuminative way, and the unitive way, and the Dark Nights of the soul in between. St. John of the Cross is the original go-to source, and there are introductory materials like this newadvent.org/cathen/14254a.htm that sum it up in a concise fashion. The main thing to remember is we might not always feel consolations, but it doesn’t mean God has withdrawn His love from us. It’s His way of testing our faith in fire to make it strong and pure and true. Don’t get discouraged! :blessyou:
Click to expand...
Thank you so much for this! 🙂

Alan
 
AlanFromWichita said:
Lady Love,

Lately you have spoken truth that many of us could not come up with on our own because we are too worldly. You have inspired and given hope to many of God’s creatures right here on CAF, including me. For example, you are one of the first I’ve encountered here who can really talk using the vocabulary of love, which I’m just beginning to learn, seeing past all the petty dualism that is so prevalent these days. Your posts have been helpful at bringing me closer to God. They have given me confidence and even a feeling of vindication because some of the truths that you and I and only a very few others have shared, are not accessible to the worldly mind but to the mind that is on Christ.

So regardless of what you think of your past choices, I have personally witnessed you doing God’s work. Whether this is your intent or you don’t feel like you can will to do it – or not – the result is the same. My point is that you are a blessing to the rest of us here and are clearly doing work that pleases God, and I’m sorry that you don’t have a better feeling about your own relationship with Him. I would like to help you any way I can because I am quite sure you are very nearly in the kingdom even now as you feel so remote. I’m hoping that very remoteness is the final stage in “deny yourself” so that your eyes may be opened to the value of things as they really are, and when that happens you will not come up wanting.

Alan
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Thank you Alan. You are so sweet and encouraging!
 
AlanFromWichita said:
I’m sorry that you don’t have a better feeling about your own relationship with Him.
Alan
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Alan,

I just re-read what you wrote because it was so sweet and encouraging but I have to comment on this one statement you made.

You don’t have to be sorry. You can see how depressed I get when I focus on me. But there is a solution to my depression which works 100% of the time, I FOCUS ON JESUS. I will find true joy when I can keep my attention on Him always. He is my happiness. He is so beautiful, kind, masculine, tender and protective. When I focus on Him, I fall in love all over again. I forget about me and my misery. If I try to depend on myself to become perfect, I lose hope. So, I find hope again when I trust Jesus to redeem me. I am His work, not my own. Amen!
 
Lady_Love said:
Alan,

I just re-read what you wrote because it was so sweet and encouraging but I have to comment on this one statement you made.

You don’t have to be sorry. You can see how depressed I get when I focus on me. But there is a solution to my depression which works 100% of the time, I FOCUS ON JESUS. I will find true joy when I can keep my attention on Him always. He is my happiness. He is so beautiful, kind, masculine, tender and protective. When I focus on Him, I fall in love all over again. I forget about me and my misery. If I try to depend on myself to become perfect, I lose hope. So, I find hope again when I trust Jesus to redeem me. I am His work, not my own. Amen!
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Dear Lady Love,

I know this was a response to Alan but you reminded me of two things I just wanted to add to your thread here.I so hope you do not mind.
When I get in those kinds of moods I try to remember what you say here too and I remember two things. 1) A story the St. Theresa used to describe how she was His toy and that if it pleased Him to play with her then ok put if He preferred she sat on the shelf she was just as ok with it because she knew it was what He wanted. 2) I have always understood these kind of moments to be much like Him saying ssshhhh to me for some reason or another and then usually it is like a light bulb will go off when I come to an understanding like you have come to and I am always reminded of this song that I break out singing to Him "you say it best when you say nothing at all. I hope it puts a smile on your face…and remember you are God’s child

youtube.com/watch?v=1SCOimBo5tg
 
simple_soul said:
Dear Lady Love,

I know this was a response to Alan but you reminded me of two things I just wanted to add to your thread here.I so hope you do not mind.
When I get in those kinds of moods I try to remember what you say here too and I remember two things. 1) A story the St. Theresa used to describe how she was His toy and that if it pleased Him to play with her then ok put if He preferred she sat on the shelf she was just as ok with it because she knew it was what He wanted. 2) I have always understood these kind of moments to be much like Him saying ssshhhh to me for some reason or another and then usually it is like a light bulb will go off when I come to an understanding like you have come to and I am always reminded of this song that I break out singing to Him "you say it best when you say nothing at all. I hope it puts a smile on your face…and remember you are God’s child

youtube.com/watch?v=1SCOimBo5tg
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I still think God loves to play the simplest of children’s games, like “peek-a-boo.” When something goes out of sight then pops back into it, peek-a-boo. Day and night. The lost is found. The dead is risen. The sinner has repented. The prodigal has returned. The whole Good News is all about reunions that follow separations.

So if we sit on the shelf, maybe that gives us time for contemplation and healing, and preparation for when He calls us to entertain Him some more! Maybe we can surprise Him by learning new tricks while He’s not looking. 😃

Alan
 
Sorry you are feeling this way. I am reading sister Faustina’s agenda, i recalled in the beginning that she went through this dark period. When she finally found a good confessor, the priest was able to guide her.

Don’t give up hope, keep going to church and go for the Holy Eucharist. The priest told sister Faustina that it could have been worst but the fact that she continue to go for the communion, spared her many grieves.

Hope you feel well soon!
 
simple_soul said:
Dear Lady Love,

I know this was a response to Alan but you reminded me of two things I just wanted to add to your thread here.I so hope you do not mind.
When I get in those kinds of moods I try to remember what you say here too and I remember two things. 1) A story the St. Theresa used to describe how she was His toy and that if it pleased Him to play with her then ok put if He preferred she sat on the shelf she was just as ok with it because she knew it was what He wanted. 2) I have always understood these kind of moments to be much like Him saying ssshhhh to me for some reason or another and then usually it is like a light bulb will go off when I come to an understanding like you have come to and I am always reminded of this song that I break out singing to Him "you say it best when you say nothing at all. I hope it puts a smile on your face…and remember you are God’s child

youtube.com/watch?v=1SCOimBo5tg
Click to expand...
Simple Soul,

Thank you. As I was reading the part about St. Therese being content to “sit on the shelf” my first reaction was, “Noooooooooooooooo! play with me!” St. Therese (my patron), she truly was/is a work of art. She has blessed us with such a beautiful example of how to truly love God for His sake alone.

Someday…

P.S. Great song! Great meditation! Brought me to tears with a smile. 😛 :bighanky:
 
Lady_Love said:
Simple Soul,

Thank you. As I was reading the part about St. Therese being content to “sit on the shelf” my first reaction was, “Noooooooooooooooo! play with me!” St. Therese (my patron), she truly was/is a work of art. She has blessed us with such a beautiful example of how to truly love God for His sake alone.

Someday…
Click to expand...
*I could be wrong on this but…what I beleive you might someday come to understand is that even when we are sitting on the shelf He is still playing with us. *
Lady_Love said:
P.S. Great song! Great meditation! Brought me to tears with a smile. 😛 :bighanky:
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I* am glad you liked it. It took me a while to understand what people meant when they said that God speaks to us in silence and so this song reminds me of that all the time now. To me it would make sense that the more silent God seems to be it is actually when He is saying the loudest what we need to hear and it is when He is saying it in the best way for us to hear it*.🙂
 
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